Fantasy
Of
Utter
Ridiculousness
(Part Two)
/-/-/-/
Not for the first time, Patchouli stared up at the library's ceiling and breathed a sigh of relief that the chaos outside was finally over.
Remilia and Flandre both had been greatly unnerved by what was happening, although the Mansion's mistress hid her anxiety behind a facade of confidence. The fairy maids had been witnessed drawing straws to see who would be unfortunate enough to check the weather... with the loser, surprisingly, being the non-fairy Sakuya. Meiling relocated from the front gate to the foyer, wanting nothing to do with any of it; honestly, no one could blame her. Patchouli had been finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on her research, alternating between that and the odd card game with Koakuma.
But now, the terrible storms and inclement weather that had rocked Gensokyo had finally subsided. That meant that things could finally return to normal... at least, 'normal' for them. And for Patchouli, that meant the learning process and the tranquility that came with it.
The noisiness of glass shattering and a terrible crash reverberated throughout the library. Patchouli closed her eyes, suppressing the anger that was threatening to arise. That didn't take her long. "Marisa, how many times do I have to tell you?" she complained indignantly, starting to turn around. "If you want to visit the library, use the- - -"
But the person that had smashed into the library's floor wasn't Marisa. Patchouli floated back a bit in surprise, wondering if she was seeing things. Is this... what is going on?
Battered and looking as if she'd gotten on the wrong side of a certain super-sized oni, the unconscious Yukari wouldn't have been able to answer that question even if it had been spoken aloud. The laws of physics had claimed their next victim.
/-/-/-/
A long furrow stretched through the Forest of Magic, smashed trees and rocks littering the path on either side of it. Clusters of fairies and youkai alike dotted the area, wondering who or what had caused this level of damage. Their wonder and awe would increase as they completed their investigation...
At the end of the furrow was Megas, its systems temporarily down; the ETB-induced transit had been too much for it to take. Coop and the others were rattled, but whatever safety measure it was that had kept them alive through their adventures was still active.
"I can't tell much from here," Coop said as he looked up through the windshield, "but this doesn't look like no moon to me." He turned the ignition key, but was rewarded with silence.
"We must've ended up back on Earth somehow." Kiva tried to run an analysis of Megas's systems, but nothing was working yet. "Their teleporter must have suffered a malfunction during the fight. It's the only thing I can think of."
"So I guess that means we won't be finding out about those moon people, then?" was Jamie's question.
"Not unless you want to waste extra time by flying back there, no."
"Well, no big loss." Coop smiled as he continued trying to restart Megas. "It means we still have time to get back home for the movies." The smile became a grin as the engine finally kicked into gear; in the backseat, Kiva successfully manipulated the console to get a better read on the mech's condition. "There. That's how we do it!"
Megas hopped to its feet suddenly, startling the fairies that had gathered around it. A great number of them believed that the mighty robot was an antagonistic giant and fled, screaming in terror. Most of those youkai that had discovered the source of the furrow did the same, not wanting to pick a fight with something that big. Only a certain dollmaker remained, staying a safe distance away as she tried to determine who or what this thing was that had disturbed her morning routine, and even she had to struggle to keep her "flight or fight" instincts at bay.
Kiva was the first to hear the terrified fairies, and she looked out the side window. "..." She blinked. "Did those children have wings?"
"Winged kids?" asked the confused Coop. "C'mon, you're imagining things."
"If she is, Coop, then so am I." Jamie tapped the side window, indicating the view outside. "Check it out."
Megas turned a bit, allowing Coop to see what Jamie was talking about. There were no tall buildings to block their view. Aside from the damage they'd already done, there was nothing but beauty as far as the eye could see... a few mountains here and there, standing tall and resolute... a thick forest of bamboo off in the distance... a large mansion near a lake, some mist partially obscuring the structure... and trees everywhere they looked, with a few clearings here and there. The overall splendor of the area had no equal anyplace else on earth.
"It doesn't look that great to me," Coop complained, shaking his head.
Kiva didn't believe what she'd just heard. "What are you talking about? I haven't seen this sort of beauty in all my life. If there was anyplace like this in the future, it was gone long before the Glorft arrived!"
"It can't be that great." As Coop spoke, Megas gestured at the surrounding area. "I don't see a convenience store anywhere. How am I supposed to get any meatball subs when all the good places are gone?"
Jamie smirked. "The world doesn't revolve around fast food, Coop- - -"
"It does to me."
"- - -and anyway, I wasn't talking about the forest. I was talking about her."
/-/-/-/
Alice floated up to shoulder height, still staying far enough away from the metal monster that she could react in case it turned out to be hostile. Her emotions shifted as she continued to observe it. She felt nervous, believing that if it were malevolent and showed no regard for the Spell Card rules, the chances of her holding it off weren't good (unless she tapped into her grimoire's full power, something that she preferred not to attempt). There was some anger when she remembered that the thing had barged rudely into the territory that she'd claimed for her own (although to be fair, it wasn't like she minded having an occasional visitor; she just preferred that they didn't bother her while they were present).
The nervousness and anger gave way to curiosity when the thing turned to look at her. Is that really its head? It looks out of place. ... And are those... humans inside it? ...So if there are people in it, does that mean... that it's a golem of some kind? A giant puppet, and they're the ones holding the strings?
A sweatdrop. Wait... why are they looking at me like that? It's as if they... Deciding to take a risk, she floated closer so as to make herself heard. "What's wrong?" she asked, trying to keep a note of anxiety from entering her voice. "You're acting like you've never seen someone fly before."
One of the windows on the head opened, and the black-jacketed male leaned out of it. "Um, last we checked, people couldn't fly. Is gravity optional around here?"
Alice was starting to get a sneaking suspicion about them. "Answer this question, and I'll answer yours. Where are you three from?"
"Jersey City," the fat male answered, opening the other window. "Why?"
...That answers that. Outsiders, then; I've never heard of that city before. "Well, if you came here hoping to see the sights, good for you. You may have a slight problem, though..."
"What could be worse than missing The Rogue Wrestler? I've been waiting to watch it for weeks, we go up to the moon, and now here we are at who-knows-where!"
Any anxiety that Alice felt was gone, replaced by complete confusion. ...I guess we both have some things to explain...
/-/-/-/
"So, is she alright?"
Sakuya looked back into one of the Mansion's guest rooms, where the unconscious Yukari had been placed. Satisfied, she turned to face Patchouli and Remilia in the hallway. "She will be fine, as far as I can determine. I don't have much advanced medical training, so I don't know when she will wake up. Could be a matter of minutes... or, maybe hours."
Patchouli had no real feelings one way or the other for Yukari, but she knew that something capable of one-shotting the overseer posed a serious threat to Gensokyo. Judging from Remilia's thoughtful look, she figured her friend was thinking along similar lines. "So, what do you want us to do?"
"We'll need information." Remilia began pacing the floor. "And quickly. Sakuya, the responsible party is likely still in the vicinity of the Lake or the Forest of Magic. Find out what you can and tell us promptly about your discoveries. Try to keep whoever it is from seeing you; I don't want you to meet Yukari's fate, or worse."
"At once, my lady," Sakuya acknowledged, disappearing in a ripple of time.
"...Why can't she just walk out of the room like a normal human?" Patchouli muttered, shaking her head.
Remilia smirked. "How many normal humans do we know?"
The number of full-blooded humans that the two of them personally knew in Gensokyo could be counted on one hand, and none of them met humanity's standards of normality. Patchouli shrugged and moved on. "Dismissing that for now, Remi, what about me?"
Stopping her pacing, Remilia stared down the long hallway. "Set whatever project you're working on to the side for now. I'll meet you in the library once Sakuya returns. I need to check on Flandre first."
Beat. "Any particular reason why, or is this just a social visit?"
"I want to be able to let her outside of her room more; you know that. It was a mistake for me to forget about her for half a millennium. I admit it." Remilia stared her best friend in the eyes. "But what with her control issues and general immaturity, allotting her additional freedom hasn't been an option... until now."
Patchouli regarded her concernedly. "Did the weather really scare her that much? I'll admit it was the worst that I've ever seen in all my life, but..."
-?-
"Accckkk!" A skull-splitting shriek, blaring from no more than a dozen feet away, caused Remilia to flinch as thunder, lightning and rain warred with each other outside. "Man your battle stations! Sound the alarm! I need five pastries on aisle five, stat!"
Remilia wondered where Flandre had picked up such odd terminology. It certainly wasn't her, and it couldn't have been the others... "Get out from under your bed!" she shouted, fists tightening at her sides. "Are you going to let some bad weather get the better of Flandre Scarlet? Get out from there, I say- - -"
A lightning flash that felt much closer to the Mansion than the others, followed by an explosive BOOM of thunder that caused the room to shake, and suddenly Remilia was much less inclined to chastise her sister. Deciding to follow her lead, she dived under the bed as well.
"Make way for the inspector general! Be arrogant, be elegant, be smart! Brodny, to the sky!"
"Flandre, stop your rambling and get your wing out of my eye!"
-?-
"That's probably an understatement," Remilia uttered dryly. "I think she'll be much more likely to focus on your lessons now. But that'll be for later." She walked off down the hall, the very picture of poise and dignity. "I'll see you shortly, Pache."
"Likewise."
Once Remilia was out of sight, Patchouli took one more look at Yukari and shut the door before flying back to her preferred sanctum. Her instincts told her that it was going to be a long and restless day.
/-/-/-/
Humming a tune, Reisen ventured forth from Eientei to sell Eirin's medicine. For the sake of an unimpeded flight, the lunar rabbit flew up and over the Bamboo Forest; at her speed, it wouldn't take too long to reach where she wanted to go. She was honestly interested to see how this business venture would turn out, overall lack of fondness of humanity notwithstanding.
None of the former moon residents had taken the news of the lunar explosion gracefully, so they were happy when they learned that the place was put back together. Reisen had considered getting into contact with her fellow rabbits back in the capital to get some news, but decided not to risk outing herself. Still, it would've been nice to learn what had transpired.
Before her thoughts could get much further on the matter, she glimpsed something that was terribly out of place in Gensokyo. She rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't imagining things, then took another look: yes, a giant robot was standing in the middle of the Forest of Magic. The Guardsman unit had been in use on the moon for a while even before she had run away, so she had no trouble recognizing a machine made for war.
She halted in mid-air, looking in the direction of the Human Village, then back at the robot. She lingered a few moments more as she considered what to do, then sighed reluctantly and flew on towards the Village. Information gathering could wait until she finished the task that Eirin had assigned her to carry out. If it was still there by the time she finished, she'd worry about it then.
Occupied by her thoughts on her upcoming job, Reisen didn't see Sakuya passing by in the distance.
/-/-/-/
...Seriously, these people... Should I put up with them, or shouldn't I?
Alice had dealt with outsiders several times since she first settled in Gensokyo. Even if they weren't put off by her hospitable-yet-cold attitude, they would draw the wrong conclusion from misinformation about youkai and quickly desire to make themselves scarce. These people are not your average outsiders. Not at all.
Since both parties wanted to learn more, all of them had relocated to the clearing where Alice's home was located. The four of them now sat at the golem's feet (she felt that its controller would probably destroy her door frame if he tried to walk inside, hence why she didn't invite them in), enjoying some admittedly delicious drinks and exchanging information. She'd been cooped up indoors for too long, anyway.
The fact that they offered me something to drink instead of the other way around is proof that they have no idea what life is like in this part of the world. Perhaps I should instruct them a bit before I send them off to the shrine maiden... Still, this "Orange Craze" is tasty. I'll give them that much.
The way Alice had understood the redheaded human- - -Kiva, she corrected herself- - -the golem (the fat one, Coop, had been adamant about referring to it as "Magus" for some reason) had been stolen and altered to save the human race's future generations from an invading army. Various things went wrong, and not only did the golem end up in an incorrect time period but also in the hands of a pair of lazy slackers. Hmm...
Her disbelief only got worse when they described how they'd arrived here, and she very nearly had a conniption when she discovered that Coop had been responsible for the recent weather. It took all the control she had not to dispatch her dolls after them; they were speaking of this as casually as one would describe a mid-day stroll.
As Jamie had pointed out, though, if the invaders had their way then the entire planet would've been smashed to pieces. Knowing that someone out there would stoop to such an act and had the means of backing up their threats was a very sobering thought, and it made the cataclysmic weather seem trifling by comparison. And at any rate, Coop did at least try to put the moon back together... although judging from his tone, it must have been too much work for his liking.
On the conversation's flip side, telling them about the existence of magic had been more difficult. Coop outright refused to believe it ("Are you kidding me? I've seen movies with better plot than that"). Kiva was just as jaded, but at least gave a reason for her disbelief ("I'm sorry, but I've never put much stock in magic. It seems a little far out to me"). The discussion looked like it was going to go nowhere, when...
"I believe her."
Alice, Coop, and Kiva turned their heads towards Jamie. "Huh?" they chorused.
"Come on, you guys. We've faced alien squids, a floating head with tiny arms and legs, a spider that wouldn't die, a planet killer, and a planet monster. We should be used to stuff like this by now. Even discounting that," and here Jamie raised his voice for emphasis, "this chick can flippin' fly! I mean, how cool is that?"
A long moment of silence ensued as Coop and Kiva mulled this over, and as Alice tried to discern what Jamie meant by "this chick can flippin' fly". The temporally-displaced soldier was the first to come to the right conclusion. "Well, I suppose it would explain those winged children, at least..."
"The fairies," Alice supplied.
"...I dunno," Coop said, still hesitant to admit the existence of magic. "Can we see a demo of some kind? You know, something that doesn't involve pulling a rabbit out of a hat? Otherwise, it doesn't count."
Alice was struck with a mental image of her pulling that lunar rabbit they'd met out of Marisa's hat. Disregarding it, she remained silent for a few moments as she wondered what sort of demonstration to give them. If Marisa was here, she'd probably just demonstrate her Master Spark or that laser attack she stole from the librarian. I need to show them something more elegant than that.
...Where is Marisa, come to think of it? I thought she would've been eager to see this for herself.
/-/-/-/
Unlike Sakuya's last solo investigation, it didn't take her most of the day to find what she was looking for. Quickly locating where the trench began almost half a kilometer away from Misty Lake, she followed that trail to its end. From there, whatever it was had gotten up and walked off through the Forest, bent trees and immense square footprints marking its path.
Most of the fairies she saw didn't bother her, surprisingly; those that did were quickly dealt with. She wondered about their sudden cowardly streak; normally, "reckless" didn't even begin to describe them. What could've spooked them so badly that they would forego their usual boldness?
She neared the edge of a clearing that she remembered as belonging to the Seven-Colored Puppeteer. Sakuya heard four voices, recognizing one of them as Alice's but not knowing any of the others. Wanting to see them and not just hear them, she started to peek around the monstrous statue that was taking up a good deal of space...
Sakuya was intelligent and extremely capable, but even she had her moments of the exact opposite; it took a few seconds more before a feeling of wrongness settled in. Finally realizing that there was something to this statue, she looked up. ...And up.
...And up.
...And still up.
...
...What... is... this...?
...
"...something that doesn't involve pulling a rabbit out of a hat? Otherwise, it doesn't count."
The maid snapped back to reality as one of the strange voices spoke. There was a minor pause before Alice replied: "I guess I could do a Spell Card demonstration, if you don't mind taking control of... 'Magus' again."
...This statue's a magus? An honest-to-goodness MAGUS? And it's under their command? Oh, dear...
"Spell Card?" the unfamiliar female was heard asking. "What's that supposed to be?"
"The basis of how we settle disputes in Gensokyo, Miss Andru. Amongst other variations, one person creates a complex energy pattern that targets his or her opponent. The other person dodges and fires back as much as possible until the Card is broken, on the condition that getting hit at least three times results in a defeat. There's more to it, of course, but that's the gist of it."
"...So, it's like a game, then?" the deeper-voiced male asked. Another beat, then: "Rock on! Now that's something I can understand!"
Who are these people...? Sakuya tried to get a good view of the proceedings again, this time being able to see who the puppeteer was talking to without being noticed. The fat one seemed harmless at first glance, but...
"Coop, don't forget that you wanted to watch those movies when you got home. I bet the first one's started by now."
Strangely dressed... outsiders?
"No prob, Jamie. Before we went to the moon, I went ahead and set up the VCR. If I miss 'em, it'll record 'em on its own."
...They were at the moon?... Sakuya paled as she heard this. Were they the ones who...?
"But you were making a big deal about missing them just a few minutes ago! Why'd you change your mind?"
'Coop' brushed off his reminder. "Don't get me wrong; I don't want to miss my films. But I'm not about to miss out on a fun game, neither."
"Like that containment cartridge that Grrkek was imprisoned in?" 'Miss Andru' dryly reminded him.
"Yeah, exactly. It would've been more fun if he wasn't so much of a game breaker."
"Coop, you're the one who broke it."
"So?"
Sakuya felt that she had heard enough. She backtracked as quietly as possible to the point where the magus's footprints began, getting her thoughts in order. These people were too dangerous, and what was worse was that Alice had apparently allied herself with them for some reason. As much as she wanted to solve the problem at the source, however, her mistress's order was to keep from being seen by them; she had never disobeyed an order from her in all her years of servitude, and she wasn't about to start now. Jumping into the air, she arrowed back towards the Mansion as fast as she was capable.
/-/-/-/
I can't believe this. I refuse to acknowledge it!
The inside of Marisa's home was a complete mess even on the best of days. Today it looked even worse, if such a thing were possible.
Terrific. What would Reimu and Alice think if they saw me now? Or Lady Mima, for that matter? Even Patchy's asthma would have nothing on her laughter. That's not how I'm going to go down in history!
One of the windows had been destroyed, the glass smashed into a multitude of shards; unbeknownst to her, it was due to a stray branch that had been snapped off of a tree when Megas plowed through the Forest. The branch had hit one of Marisa's stolen books, knocking it over, and that in turn had provoked a series of small-scale disasters that ended with all the junk she'd accumulated falling on top of her. She'd never had any serious problems with it before, as difficult as it was to believe, so saying that she was both surprised and hurt by the occurrence would have been safe.
How would that look in their minds? "Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician, brought low by kleptomania"? C'mon, not likely! I'd sooner call Yuuka a pansy than allow that to happen to me, ze! And I have, too. Why she took that as a compliment, I'll never know!
Just a half meter away from her nose was her mini-hakkero, completely free of the junk around it. Struggling, Marisa tried to work her arms free of their entrapment. "C'mon, little by little. Work with me here..."
While she struggled, a gust of wind blew into the room through the shattered window. It disturbed the contents of a flask that had been broken during the mishap: a bluish-gray powdery mix created from the surrounding area's plethora of ingredients. As the air circulated, the powder swirled around a few times and drifted out the window deeper into the Forest...
