Dear Diary,
I look in the mirror, and stare at my face. I don't recognize it. The face that looks back at me is mine, yet it's not mine. My eyes are large blue, but I see narrowed gray. My mouth is a wide grin, but I see a grim slash. My face is open and soft, but my reflection's is guarded and hard.
I'm wearing a mask of stone, a defense against the world. I try to take the mask off, but I can't. The mask has become part of me, and I can't pry it off. It's like a second skin.
Sometimes, the mask will crack, and I can see my blue eyes and wide smile. But then the cracks will repair themselves, be filled in again, and my mask is firmly in place again.
I don't like my stone mask. It may be a defense against the world, but it is also a prison, hiding me from the world. The world sees my mask, the cold, hard, passive gaze, and they don't see me behind it. I'm trapped beneath the mask. The mask of Fearless Leader, and Leonardo hidden beneath.
Perhaps my mask is why I struggle with finding my identity, with knowing who I am.
I have a cover, a layer, a barrier, the appearance of the Fearless Leader. Inside, at the core, I am Leonardo. But the core is small, and buried deep. Too often, I play the part my mask casts upon me, and the mask is a fake. Most of me is fake, the Fearless Leader. How can I truly know who I am? How can I be Leonardo, when I wear the mask of Fearless Leader? How can I know who I am at the center, who I am when I am laid bare from masks, burdens, and responsibilities, if I always wear the mask?
I yearn to take it off, to strip away the hardness in my gaze. But I cannot. My role has been cast in this play, and it is that of the leader. I must continue to play my part. But I'm afraid. If I continue to submerge myself into this role, will I become the role I play? Will Leonardo be buried so deep he is no more? All that's left fake?
If I could, I would recast myself. I'd like to play myself for once in my life. I want to break the stone mask and show my real face to the world.
How can I do that, though? My brothers need Fearless Leader more than they need Leonardo. They need me to play my part and make the decisions, take responsibility.
I have to wear this mask, the mask that looks like me but is sharper, harder, harsher. It defines me, and protects me. But I don't like it. I'd rather show my true face, hidden away deep inside.
It is my duty to wear the weathered mask of Fearless Leader, carved from my choices and experience. I just hope that Leonardo will survive, hidden beneath the rocky surface.
Sayonara for now,
Leonardo
