Not Mine, Never Mine, Usual Disclaimers


If there was one thing James Tiberius Kirk hated more than anything else, it was reporting to the brass when he knew he would be in trouble, even though it wasn't actually his fault. Within the hour of Bones submitting the report on what had really been going on, Pike had sent Jim a message telling him that they needed to talk right away. After procrastinating for an hour, Bones had finally kicked him out of sickbay and threatened him with a hypo if he didn't call Pike. This was one conversation that Jim wasn't looking forward to. Bracing himself for what promised to be one heck of a conversation, Kirk punched in Pike's number. Pike answered almost immediately.

'I've been waiting for the last hour,' Pike grumbled, clearly not in the best of moods.

'I was busy doing captain stuff,' Jim replied, trying not to sound like a child.

'Avoiding this conversation more like, and as funny as this joke has been, there is a line.'

Joke? What joke?

'I'm not sure what you're talking about,' Jim lied.

He had figured this would happen and had tried to put it off as a result.

'I'm talking about the report submitted that states you were turned into a dog.'

Why, of all times, did now have to be when his neck developed the mother of all itches?

Trying not to scratch, Jim replied, 'I was unaware that there was a joke in the report.'

'You cannot seriously be trying to tell me that you were a dog,' Pike was frowning now.

Between resisting the urge to scratch at his neck and concentrate on the conversation, Jim was coming up a little short on brain power to construct his argument.

'Technically I was a puppy.'

'...Will not be happy to hear about the lack of commitment...'

The itch was getting harder to ignore, and Jim was beginning to tune Pike out.

'Not to mention... Kirk, are you seriously trying to scratch your face with your foot?!'

Kirk stared at Pike for a second before realising that he was indeed attempting to scratch his itch with his foot. This realisation came with a loss of balance that sent him tumbling off his chair and onto the floor.

'Well Bones did say there might be side effects,' he commented from where he landed.

'You were really serious about the whole thing weren't you?'

Jim realised that Pike was now actually worried about him and returned to his seat, attempting to cling to what remained of his dignity.

'Well, if it was going to happen to anyone, it would have to be me.'

Pike laughed at that.

'Aye, it would be, wouldn't it? Seriously though, are you sure you're all right?'

'I've fallen from higher,' Jim deflected.

Pike frowned at him again, 'You know what I mean.'

'Bones assured me that the side effects should be gone after a few weeks at most, besides, what other crew can claim that they have a dog for a captain and get away with it?'

'Just take care of yourself, I would hate for you to urinate on the Enterprise's shuttle next time it lands, in order to mark your territory.'

'As long as the higher-ups don't rain all hell down for this, I promise not to start marking my territory.'

'Don't worry about the higher-ups; this wasn't your fault, although they won't be happy that this was kept from them, although I understand why. I have to go and try to sort this mess out, just keep doing what you do best.'

'What get into trouble?' Jim was rewarded with a mock glare, 'Thanks though, I really appreciate it.'

'I know you do,' and with that Pike broke the connection.

All in all, it had gone better than Jim was expecting, side effects and all. He knew that he wasn't due on the bridge until tomorrow, doctor's orders, so Jim decided to have lunch instead. Entering the mess hall, Jim spotted Spock sitting by himself, grabbing his meal; he headed over to where his first officer was sitting.

'Good morning,' Jim greeted.

'Captain,' Spock acknowledged.

Jim nearly sighed in frustration, 'it's Jim.'

'I trust all is well,' Spock continued, ignoring the correction.

'I spoke to Pike just now, why do you ask?'

'You have forgone your usual diet, and replaced it with a vegetarian alternative.'

Jim shrugged, 'I felt like a change, besides I'm sick of chicken.'