Author's Note: Don't excpect sanity from Soldier. You won't get it.


A row of seven helmeted heads is displayed on a fence. A BLU Spy approaches and looks disgusted. A rocket is fired from offscreen and the Spy is promptly gibbed. Screen fades

Soldier places a BLU Spy's head at the end of the row and jams a large blue helmet on it, while grinning.

-Meet the Soldier-

"Women should NEVER be admitted on the field of battle!" Soldier marches in front of a row of heads. The camera moves to follow. The majority of her head is obscured by a large, bowl-like helmet, while the back of her head uncovered by her helmet is hidden under short, messily cut brown hair.

"But I am NOT a woman! Because no woman has ever taken the name JOHN DOE!" She stops her march abruptly and raises her right arm to point dramatically at nothing, which is presumably hovering vaguely beside and above her head. She lifts her head proudly and holds the pose for two seconds.

She continues marching. "My fellow REDs are ALSO NOT WOMEN! This is because they are warriors FIRST and women SECOND!" Having reached the end of the row of heads, she sharply turns around 180 degrees and continues her march. "This is how we win FIRST and go to war SECOND! For that is the advice of Sun Tzu!"

She stops in front of the helmeted head of a BLU Scout. "Sun Tzu also advises that we KNOW OUR ENEMY! And I KNOW MY ENEMY!" She leans in so her head is level to that of the head on the fence "Those cowardly BLUs are not warriors! They are WOMEN and they do not belong on the battlefield!" Soldier jabs the head, which falls off the fence.

She continues to stare it down as it falls. "It is my solemn duty to remove those maggots with Sun Tzu's preferred weapon! A ROCKET LAUNCHER!" She picks the head up and places it back on it position on the fence. "Because Sun Tzu was a proud AMERICAN, and it is my duty to uphold his proud American traditions!"

Soldier then picks up a folded shovel from below the camera's view, unfolds it, jabs it into the ground, and leans on the handle.

"DISMISSED!"