Flagarach: Autch... autch... autch... body... hurts... like… hell…
Lancer: Soooooo, how was your time with Gilgamesh?
Flagarach: Well… he killed… me… with… every… weapon… of his… Gate… of Babylon…
Flagarach: After… every kill… he resurrected… me… again…
Lancer: How often were you killed?
Flagarach: Lost count… met a nice… green-haired… girl… a "Yama"… Met her… few thousand… times…
Flagarach: Apparently… you get a… free elixir… of immortality… with every… thousand… deaths…
Lancer: Oh?
Flagarach: But it only… gives you… a single… taste…
Flagarach: So I had to… suffer it… three times…
Lancer: *snicker*
Flagarach: After that… I was simply stabbed… with everything of… his Gate of Babylon… hurts like hell…
Lancer: Well, now what?
Flagarach: Thank the reviewers…
Lancer: You mean Piterio, SuperNova23, ApologeticGuy and pltrgst?
Flagarach: Done… *Faints*
Lancer: Well then, enjoy!
[January 29th, In front of the Emiya Residence, Rin POV]
Crap. Oh crap. Ohcrapohcrapohcrap! My servant could only hold back Saber for a minute, and Emiya is in big trouble now! I run. I enhance myself with my magecraft. I run 100 meters in 7 seconds. All becomes a blur as I run to my fellow student. I will not let innocents die in this war!
I arrive at his home, only to see Saber disappear from the house. Am I too late?
What surprises me even more is that somewhat later, another servant jumped over the wall, and is heading straight to me with the intention to kill?
I use it. One of my jewels, containing enough energy to create an A-class spell. I throw it at my opponent, creating a big vortex that tries to rip that person apart… but it is not enough. No. It did nothing.
This servant… it was completely unaffected by the wind. It couldn't even scratch her. She pushes me on my back.
I look up, and see her face in the moonlight. The girl who made the golden hero retreat. Who completely annulled my magic. A young girl with white hair and green clothes, wielding a katana and a wakizashi.
"Miyamoto Musashi?"
"That was splendid magic, magus."
This girl… this girl is like a nightmare right now.
"But this is your end."
She prepares to strike. I brace myself. I look up, and I see Emiya coming out of his house while the sword is falling down upon me…
This… is the e-
"Stop it, servant!"
That Voice! "Archer!"
I look up. Archer is in the sky aiming her cannon at Emiya.
"If you don't stop now, servant, I will kill your master!"
I was almost crying. Thank you, Archer. I'm almost sorry I wanted Saber. ALMOST.
The girl in front of me understood, and withdrew her weapon, my servant did likewise.
Emiya ran towards me. "You, you're Tohsaka?"
[Same time, Same place, Emiya POV]
"You, you're Tohsaka?"
"Yes, good evening, Emiya-kun." Tohsaka replies with a big grin. She greets me so normally… it makes everything seem like a dream…
"Um, now, well, uhh… you were using magic right now, so that means…"
"I'm a magus. Well, we're the same, so that is not something I should hide."
"Guh…" When she replies like that, it makes me feel stupid for asking.
"Let's talk inside. You don't know anything, right, Emiya-kun?"
"Wait, Tohsaka!" But it is no use. She and that winged girl already went inside.
I walk inside, and realize I'm in a strange situation. In front of me is the number one idol of the school and a black-winged girl. Behind me is Saber, who calls herself a servant.
It is simply scary to walk in my house, but I shouldn't. I can't be a coward forever. Tohsaka is a magus, just like me. She acts so fearlessly, so I have to act firm too.
I can only work out a few things of this situation. First, about Saber. I believe she is some kind of familiar. She calls me Master, and I made a contract with her. It seems like the normal relationship between magus and familiar.
However, a familiar is normally a small animal, whose mind is take over by a part of the magus's prana.
A human familiar would cost a great amount of prana at all times to constrain the mind. It makes no sense for someone like me, a magus with no magic circuits, to have such a familiar, it's-
"Is there something, Master?" Saber asks me.
"N-no, nothing. You can just call me Shirou, through." Why would a superior human being be my familiar?
The only solution is that Saber is something different than a familiar. She called herself a servant. I don't know what it is, but the man in golden armor and that raven girl seemed to be the same.
So Tohsaka is a master too. someone many times better than me, and an amazing magus.
I turn the lights of the living room on, go to the kitchen, and prepare four cups of tea. when they are ready, I take them to the dinner table, and the four of us sit down: Saber and I on one side, and the other two at the other one. I noticed just now, but my broken wall is fully repaired. It's probably the work of Tohsaka.
"So, Emiya-kun, let me guess: you were fighting that golden servant Saber here, which led to the previous destruction of the room, and summoned your servant in the garden, am I correct?"
I had nothing to add, but Saber did: "That servant cannot be Saber. The only Saber here is me."
Tohsaka was less surprised then I thought, but the person next to her, probably her servant, was: "EHHH? Then who was that goldie we fought earlier?"
Tohsaka turned to her servant, and explained that it is most likely Lancer or Rider.
"Tohsaka, could you please explain what is going on right now?"
Tohsaka turned towards me, and started to explain. "To put it bluntly, you have been chosen as a master in the fifth Holy Grail war. The mark on your hand is proof of that." I look at my hand. Indeed, three red glowing marks are on it. "Those are Command seals, spells that rule the servants. As long as you have it, you can retain your servant." Wait… as long as you have it?
"What do you mean, as long as I have it?"
"The command seal is a spell of absolute obedience. A servant cannot disobey an order made with a command seal. You probably realized that they have their own will, but a command seal overrides that. There is no spell to it, and activates when you put your mind to it. But they will cost you one at a time, and you only have three of them, so use them with caution."
"Okay… what is this Holy Grail war you talked about?"
"In the Holy Grail war, seven people battle and kill over a single wish-granting device, the Holy Grail. They summon a Servant, and then battle until only one pair is left. That pair is chosen to make a wish."
"Wait, what?"
"You still don't understand? Listen, you've been dragged into a game. A battle royale between seven magi for wish-granting object. It won't end until all other masters are killed."
She states it like it is the most natural thing in the world.
…
The phrase still swirls in my head: Until all other masters are killed.
"No way…"
"Believe it. You have already seen it, haven't you? You have been hunted down just for interfering in it, haven't you? Even if you deny it, your opponents will not. Got it?"
"Y-Yes…"
"Okay, then I will continue: every few decades, seven masters are chosen and given servants. We're both Masters, so we both have a contract with a servant. Think of it as your familiar, a weapon for this war. You must work together with it to kill all the other masters of this war."
"Hold on. A familiar is often something like a cat or dog right? Saber and your servant, ehm…"
"Archer."
"…Archer look more like a human right, so are they really familiars?"
"That is because they are of an entirely different level. These are ghost liners, the strongest type of familiar. They are heroes from the past, a-"
"Wait. Heroes from the past? That's impossible! I've never heard of such kind of magic!"
"It isn't magic. It's is an artificial phenomenon. All beings that did great achievements in life move on to a higher plane of existence. You summon a copy of one of the heroes in that plane. When summoned, it can also take on the form of an astral being." and as she snapped her fingers, her servant became undetectable to the eye, but she could still be felt. "All these Servants are far stronger than even the best magi. Therefore, we let the Servants battle each other, and we Magi support from behind. Is there anything you don't understand?"
"In words, I understand it. But I'm not convinced. To begin with, who started such a thing, and why?"
Those are questions I don't know about, nor should I answer. If you want to know them, we can go to the overseer of this Holy Grail war tomorrow. For today, there is only one thing I want to say: let's make an alliance."
Hmm… I still don't truly know what to do, so I accept. I lead Tohsaka and Archer out of my house, and I promise to meet her tomorrow at school. Tomorrow, we go to the overseer of this Grail War. For now, only one question lingers my mind…how did my wounds heal so quickly? Also, why wasn't there a SINGLE joke in almost FIFTEENHUNDERD words?!
[January 30th, Emiya residence, Emiya POV]
Yesterday was weird. Apparently, my dreams have changed too. When I first dreamed of weapons, tonight, I dreamed of Saber, standing in a great kitchen, preparing foods for her master…
I shot up from my bed, ran to the kitchen, only to find the worst thing imaginable to have happened: Saber has made all the food for breakfast, lunch AND dinner!
"SABER!" No. My place, my kitchen… there was nothing left to cook for a whole day… "Whyyyy…"
From behind a HUGE bowl of rice, the face of my servant Saber appears. "Ah, Shirou! I have already prepared the food. Do you want some tea?"
"Saber, don't you see the problem?" She looks at me, thinking about it, before giving me an answer: "O yeah! Shirou, I'm sorry it's a little on the small side, but if you wanted more, you really should have stored more."
Does she really understand nothing? "What am I going to say to Sakura and Fuji-nee?!"
She looks at me with a questioned face, but she finally looks like she understands it.
"Sorry, but this is your fault. If you wanted me to make enough food for 4 persons, you should have the supplies for them."
"Saber…"
"Yes?"
"You can feed 5 people for an entire day with this!"
"What are you talking about? This is just enough for a breakfast for two!"
And we continued to squabble for a while. Until I made that move:
"If that is all you eat, then you eat way too little!"
"Well, maybe your metabolism is terrible! Your food doesn't go to your height,it doesn't go to your breasts, does everything go to a fat ghost cloud?!"
Saber stopped talking, but her eyes glared at me. Is she going to- oh hey, a ghost appeared around her, and she… draws… her… swords… "Saber?"
"Shirou…" She heads straight to me, and slashes me into another world.
"You BAKAAAA!"
DEAD END
…
…
…
Tiger Dojo is a strange hint corner.
If you would like to finish this fanfic by yourself,
or if you would like to keep the characters' images, please be warned.
Do you want to enter the Dojo?
[Yes]
[No]
"Yo, everyone! This is the spiritual world that takes you to heaven, Tiger Dojo! Congratulations! I'm Fujiwara Taiga, and may I introduce you to my number one student?!"
"I'm the assistant, student number one!"
"Shirou. Take some precautions! If you're alone with a girl, NEVER insult her on her looks! Do you want to die?!"
"Yeah… But Shirou is so cute, dying of one slash of Saber!"
"You have a messed up sense of aesthetics…"
…
"Fuji-nee. What are you doing and why is there a girl in bloomers besides you?"
"Wait, you shouldn't talk during these sections, or face the TAIGARYUKE-"
"Don't care. Still, you're right, Fuji-nee, I shouldn't have insulted Saber… wait, how do you know Saber?"
"Shirou, I'm not your Fuji-nee. I'm the caretaker of the spiritual world who guides dead Shirous on the right path! The great Taiga! HAHAHA!"
You know what? I don't care anymore. I. Don't. Care. At. All. "Say, we made too much breakfast. Want to have some?"
"Osu! Shirou, let's get some!" And so, the three of us went through a suddenly appearing portal, and ended in my living room.
I apologized to Saber for insulting her, disposed of the me that died by Saber's katana, and cleaned up all the rest of the blood. After that, the four of use wanted to start with dinner, but the bell was ringing.
The callers were Fuji-nee, probably this world's version, and Sakura. They had many questions about why another Fuji-nee, a loli in bloomers and a samurai-girl are in my house eating a huge amount of breakfast.
"Don't think about it. The more you do, the less it makes sense."
And so the six of us have dinner. The two Taigas were eating a lot while discussing everyday business; Saber, Sakura and I were talking about various cooking recipes, and "Student number one" is busy with eating.
After dinner, one of the Fuji-nees went back through a portal with her number one student, and the other Fuji-nee went to school with Sakura. I would go too, but I first had to talk about a few things with Saber.
"So, Saber, will you go in astral form and follow me to school?"
Suddenly, Saber's face gets red, and she looks away. "Sorry, Shirou, but due to your inability as a magus, I am only halve able to go in astral form." And out of nowhere, a big floating cloud-ghost-thingy appeared.
"Wasn't that only supposed to appear in the previous route?"
Saber ignored my last question, and pointed her index finger to me, and that cloud somehow picked me up. "Shirou, if you're in trouble, then flee using my other half. you can ride it like a snowboard, an- and you have to go to school now!" And I was thrown out of the house.
[January 30th, Kotomine Church, Kotomine POV]
I didn't know what to expect when I saw that paper:
Kotomine,
Due to a certain mongrel, I lost interest in this Grail war. I have found another interest, and as such, I hereby order you to put the TV on at 12 o'clock at channel 5. Prepare for death if you dare not to follow my commands!
Gilgamesh
So, I did what the letter said. I thought that he would show me a great way to enjoy people's suffering.
I switched the TV on. zapped to channel 5, and:
"Welcome, everyone, to finals of the Mister Universe Championship!" What the heck is this? "Now, let's continue where we left off. Can I have the golden envelope, my lovely assistant?" I don't know what to make from this… "Thank you. And now, the moment you have been waiting for… the new Mister Universe iiisss… GILGAMESH! CONGRATULATIONS!"
I must say, the despair of all the losers is… very amusing… "Now, than Gilgamesh, do you have anything to say after becoming 'King of All', 'The Greatest human ever alive', 'Number 1 Archer in the World' AND 'Mister Universe' in ONE DAY?
"Obviously. Listen well, mongrels. If there is any competition in this world, then it is natural that I should become the number one. So, if anyone wants to challenge me, than I will make them suffer in front of the TV. And Kotomine, you better enjoy this!" It was at this moment that I saw flashes of pictures of people suffering from losing to Gilgamesh, and it was a great, great pleasure for me… Thank you, Gilgamesh…
[January 30th, Homurahara School, Emiya POV]
School was, for the most part… uneventful. Sure, we sent the wrong Fuji-nee through the portal, and now we have an even more hyperactive teacher, but apart from that, there was just the lunch Tohsaka and I had on the rooftop:
"So, Tohsaka, who is the overseer of the grail war?"
"Ah… say, have you heard of the church on the hill?" I search my memories. There is only one thing I remember: after the fire ten years ago, I, along with other children that survived, was put in an orphanage at that hill. I was then adopted by my father, Emiya Kiritsugu. I don't know what happened to the other children, but I'm sure they're doing fine. It's not like they are used as a prana battery or something, right? RIGHT?!
"Yeah, what about it?"
"To make sure that the war is a fairly judged one, the magus association leaves the judging to the church. In that church lives the fake priest" fake priest? "Kotomine Kirei. He is the overseer of this war."
"Why did you call him the fake priest?"
"You'll see when you meet him."
Suddenly, my arm itches. I try to scratch it, but there is something cold blocking my ability to do so. I look at my arm, and notice the problem. It seems that an icicle has pierced my arm. Ahhh, that's it… I take the icicle o-
"Wait a second; I've been pierced by an icicle!" Tohsaka notices it too.
"Assassin!"
"Da is no hash…hash…sin here, only da strongest, me!" Out of nowhere, a small girl appears. Short light-blue hair, a blue-white dress, and six icicles that looks like wings.
"Caster?"
"Hmph. Eye'm no Casta. Prepair to fight!" and a new dose of Icicles went straight towards us. But we weren't helpless.
"Archer!"
Out of nowhere, Archer appeared. "Yes, Master!" And she used a single blast of energy to melt all icicles.
It was then that the two servants looked at each other, both thinking that the other looks very familiar…
"Y-y-you're that Fire R-R-Raven lady!"
Suddenly, Archer's expression changed, like someone put a light bulb on top of her. "Now I remember! You're that foreign nuisance! Let's see if you will melt again this time!"
The enemy servant took a step back, another step, another one… and fled. Victory for us?
"Whose servant would that be?" Tohsaka looked at me with tired eyes, (probably from this battle):
"Emiya, who else but an idiot would summon another idiot?" Ahhhh…
"Shinji?"
"Shinji."
We decided not to mind Shinji. He wouldn't beat a servant anyway, even if that servant really is "da strongest"...
So, after school, we went to the church, with Saber riding high in the air on her ghostboard (which is called Myon, by the way). When we were near the church, Tohsaka warned me:
"Emiya, be warned for that horror of a priest. Even though he may not look like it, he is a person who is capable of making you wish you were never born while you still thank him for doing so."
I gulped. I opened the door… and what I saw there would be forever etched on my mind…
January 30th, Kotomine church, Rin POV]
I couldn't believe it, I couldn't understand it, I couldn't grasp it and I couldn't make anything out of it.
If the church was raided by a Caster-type servant, I would believe it.
If the church was overrun by all the evils in the world, I could understand it.
If Kotomine kept tons of children as almost-death beings, I could grasp it.
If Kotomine had two servants under his command, I could make something out of it.
But nothing like that happened.
Kotomine was sleeping on one of the church benches, but that is not the strange part. It was the church itself.
Why is the church adorned with pink frilly accessories? Why is Kirei's mantle pink? With is his face full of childish scribbles? "It doesn't make sense!"
It seems I was a bit too loud, and Kirei woke up, saw what happened an-
"9th holy sacrament; memory manipulation!"
[January 30th ,Outside of Kotomine Church, Emiya POV]
We finally arrived at the church, and I am surprised it took so long! It's already dark outside! I also seem to lack some memories… anyways, I step into the church, and Tohsaka follows me closely after.
"Oi! Fake priest! Are you here?"
Out of nowhere, a tall man with shoulder length hair is standing before me, and he talks to the one behind me. "Rin, you didn't answer my calls, and now you bring a strange man before me… So, is he the seventh?
"Yes, he is a magus, but he lacks the knowledge of the grail war." And she turns to me. "Emiya, ask any questions you have to him."
The priest called Kotomine slowly turns to me.
Without realizing, I take a step back. I don't know why. I don't sense any hostility. It's just that the air around him feels heavy.
"I am Kotomine Kirei, the one entrusted with this church. What is your name, seventh master?"
"Emiya Shirou."
"So, you are Saber's master?"
"I think so. Still, why did the grail choose me as a master? I'm sure there are much more competent masters than I."
"I see. This is serious. Does he really understand so little, Rin? First, let's correct your misunderstandings. Listen, Emiya Shirou. Master is not a role you can give to someone else nor can you stop being it after being chosen. Those who have the command spells cannot resign. Accept that fact."
"If you wish to retire, then obtain the Holy Grail and wish for it. If you obtain it, your desire will be made reality, no matter what that desire is."
"So, I can wish for something, like, saving everyone?"
"Yes, Emiya, if you would obtain the Grail, you can wish for the salvation of manki-"
"I'm in!" I will win this grail war, and I will become a superhero who saves everyone! "Now, can you teach me the rules?"
A small smile appeared on Kotomine's face, and Tohsaka looks shocked. "Emiya Shirou. You are a master in the Holy Grail war. You have a heroic legend at your side, just like the six other masters. Your goal is to kill the other pairs so that you can manifest your wish upon the world. A pair is defeated if the servant or the master is killed, but the survivor can make a new contract with another survivor of the other type."
"So, Emiya, if I lost my servant and you died, then I could make a contract with your servant to continue fighting."
"A servant who goes too long without master will fade from existence. When there is only one Master-Servant pair left, that pair will be the winner of the grail war."
"There are seven types of servants, and one of each type is summoned in the war: Saber, the sword-wielding servant. Lancer, the lance-wielding servant. Archer, the-"
"Bow-wielding servant?"
"Indeed, Emiya. Now, let me continue: Rider, th-"
"Mounted servant?" This gets really obvious, really fast.
"Since you seem so knowledgeable, the other three are Caster, Assassin and Berserker. You can guess what they are. Anyway…"
"The Grail War must be kept hidden from the public. All who interfere should be killed or have a memory alteration. You don't want your non-magi friends to die, do you?" he has a point there.
"The church is neutral ground. Masters who lost their servants can go here to protect themselves from the war at the cost of giving up on the Grail War. Also, servants may not come near here. Do you have any other questions, Master of Saber?"
I do. "Two, actually. First, if what you told me is correct, you don't need to kill the Masters, but just the servants, right?"
"Indeed, Emiya, but do know that that is much more difficult, and not all Masters will come through unharmed. Now, rejoice, Emiya Shirou, and ask your last question."
"Well, did we meet you before in a pink mantle?"
"9th holy sacrament; memory manipulation!"
[January 30th, outside of Kotomine church, Emiya POV]
I don't truly know what happened, but I believe I now know all that happened, and that if I enter the church, my memory will be destroyed, so we leave, and go back to my house.
It was a nice evening. There was a small breeze, a full moon, a master and a deadly servant right in front of us, no clouds, a su… wait.
A master and deadly servant right in front of us? That can't be right… I rubbed my eyes, but it was true. Two little girls were standing in front of me. the one that felt as a very powerful master looks just like (is?) 'student number one', and the servant… well, you immediately notice the giant horns, big sake gourd, chains around her arm and the sudden triplification of her height.
"Onii-chan! You finally summoned your servant." and Saber suddenly stood right in front of me, and Archer in front of Tohsaka. "Now let me introduce to my servant: Berserker, get them!"
"ROOOOOOOO*hic*OOOAAAAAAAAARRRRR" with a very human-like roar that sounded like the combination of a kid's animal roar and drunken cry, Berserker moved against us and tried to kill us.
Saber drew out her swords, and swords clashed against gourd. While Saber was quick, Berserker was keeping up. And while Saber is strong, Berserker is stronger. MUCH stronger. And one of Berserker's hits sent Saber flying in the wall.
"SAAAABEEER!"
Tohsaka, however, wasn't staying quiet. Her servant already climbed to the roof of a nearby building, and was preparing a shot: "GIIIIIIGAAAAAAA FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE" and a huge beam shot at Berserker, creating an explosion (and almost took me with it!).
There was fire from this explosion. I tried to see through this explosion, but I couldn't. When a single sword slash from Saber dimmed down the flames, the results were visible:
Saber was still standing upright, with a bit of scorched clothes and blood where the gourd hit her. Berserker… was unharmed.
"Ha! you don't stand a chance against the greatest demon, Shuten Doji!" The Berserker interrupted her master with a "It's Sui*hic*ka, mastaaaaa…"
Servant stats:
Servant: Berserker
Master: Illyasviel von Einzbern
True Name: Suika Ibuki
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Parameters:
Strength: A+
Endurance: A
Agility:B
Mana: B
Luck: A
N. Phantasm: A
Class skills:
Drunk Enhancement: A+
Personal skills:
Battle continuation:D
The ability to continue fighting even when taking great wounds. On this level, only works when said wound is soberness.
Danmaku Magecraft: B
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Those of this level have some variety in spellcards.
Flight: A
Like all Gensokyan residents, she has the ability to fly. At this level, one is able to fly as long as there is mana in the air.
Migraine: C
Lowers the success of mental skills. Only happens when she is not drunk.
Noble Phantasms:
[Ibaraki Doji: Inexhaustible Gourd of the Oni]: C
A legendary gourd of the oni, its special ability is that it never runs dry and thus will always contain sake. Its true power however lies in the other ability: When one is offered a drink from this gourd, one cannot refuse to drink from it. It is at the levels of a very strong curse, so it would take a will like that of Gilgamesh to deny the drink.
[Deep Fog Density: One Million Demons]: A
The natural ability of Suika, to change her own density. This can have various results: She can use it to change her height, change herself into a mist, or create an army of mini-me's. The maximum number, how misleading the title may be, is only twenty.
"Now, do you understand how futile it is to face my servant? You should just give up!" She may have said so, but Saber and Archer won't. If Saber left an opening, Archer closed it, and vice versa. They are currently on the upper hand, slowly but steadily creating scratches on the body.
"Berserker, stop playing! Kill them already!" And with a drunken woman's cry, Berserker once again tripled her own height, and thus increased her own punching power.
The negative part of it is that she became much easier to hit. Now, Saber's sword stuck deeper, and instead of scratches, it left cuts.
"Berserker!"
It's no use. Berserker is certainly the strongest of these three heroic servants, but she faces two at the same time. She is losing through strength in numbers.
Suddenly, a voice talks out of nowhere: "Well then, why not let this vampire have some fun and make this a 2 against 2?"
Next to Berserker another girl appeared, this one too feeling like a servant she was dressed in pink, with short blue hair and spear in hand flew down using her wings.
"Lancer?"
"Vlad Tepes?" Tohsaka asked.
"The young descendent of Vlad Tepes. Now then, Berserker, let's combine our power to kill these two." Her spear charged with energy. "Gungnir the Spe-"
"Now, Berserker!" Wha? Berserker suddenly grasps Lancer, and swung her at Archer.
"Lancer, what the hell are you doing?"
"I have no idea!"
After missing, Archer steps back, but Berserker throws Lancer at Archer.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
Status update:
Spinning Assault: Pink Lancer B+
Uses Lancer as a weapon by throwing her. While Suika normally doesn't have access to this noble phantasm, this Noble phantasm is created by using Lancer. It has a critical effect on Archer. It emits pink light and starts to spin rapidly, striking everything in its path without fail. While it has the effect of a penetrating javelin of death, it does not return to the thrower like a boomerang does.
"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"What's up with this unknown Noble PhantUNYUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" And Lancer and Archer flew off like a piercing spear of death through the night sky.
Archer defeated
Lancer dead
"You aren't human!"
"Well, I'm a homunculus, and she's a heroic spirit, so yeah, we aren't human, onii-chan!" Well, that explains a lot. "But Berserker, use it!"
I didn't know what she was going to use, but I didn't trust it. Berserker changed back to normal form, and lost all killing intent.
"Master, watch out! I don't know what is going to happen, but it can't be good!" She took out her weapon, her gourd, and… poured sake?
She looks at my servant. "Saber!"
Berserker takes two steps to Saber. Saber, on guard, assumes a defensive position.
"Heeeeee*hic*ey, want to have a *hic* drink?" What the heck?
"Saber?" She took it? She drinks it? And now she turns to me:
"Yuuuuuyuuuukooooo-saaamaaaa… I'm a goooood girlllllll…" and she falls unconsciously on the ground.
"SABER! You, *looks up name in status report* ehm… Illyasviel von Einzbern, What did you do to her?"
"Well, apparently, your servants gets very drunk, very easily. Now, Berserker, kill them!"
…
"zzzz"
…
Is Berserker sleeping?
"Moh, Berserker, get up! Get up!"
Well, I guess that was the fighting for today. I walk up to my servant, put her over my shoulder, a-
"Yosha! All three knight classes and Berserker down! Look like today is my lucky day, da ze!" I look to my right, on top of one of the buildings is a… witch? Big black witch hat, witch robes, witch boots, witch broom… where is the witch cat?
Tohsaka looks up to the building too. "An European witch?"
Meanwhile, in Rin's head:
Saber: Miyamoto Musashi (drunk)
Lancer: Vlad Tepes the umpteenth (dead)
Archer: Houyi (defeated)
Rider: probably Goldie (not a girl!)
Caster: Some European medieval witch (missing a cat)
Assassin: Baka (not worth mentioning)
Berserker: Shuten Doji (sleeping and drunk)
I'm pretty sure I got it all right. (Sure you did.)
"You have quite some magical energy. So, are you Caster?" she asked to the person on the roof.
"You would wish I am the servant. But sadly for you, I am just the Master. Come on out, Caster!"
Next to that master, another figure appeared. A female that could be called the top of Japanese beauty: "Let me introduce to my awesome servant Kaguya, ze!"
"Like in Kaguya-hime? the princess of the moon?" Tohsaka asked.
"That would be me. Here let me introduce myself:"
Servant stats:
Servant: Caster
Master: Marisa Kirisame
True name: Kaguya Houraisan
Alignment: Lawful neutral
Stats:
Strength: E
Endurance: B
Agility: B
Mana: A+
Luck: C
N. Pantasms: ABCDE
Class skills:
Item creation: C
Terretory creation: B
Personal Skills:
Charisma: C
The natural ability to command: On this level, it is enough to lead a great amount of people… or rabbits.
Danmaku Magecraft: A++
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. People on this level are near the maximum amount of spellcards one can obtain in live.
Immortality: EX
The inability to die. Even a lack of prana or complete annihilation won't kill this servant. Apparently, some people don't die when they are killed.
Knowledge of the NEET: A+
Ability to recognize any game character in an instant. People at this level have spent an eternity playing video games.
Regeneration: EX
No matter what state she is in, she will ALWAYS reform into her old state, no matter the prana necessary. How unfair.
Noble Phantasms:
[Swallow's Cowrie Shell: Life spring infinity]: E
The fifth impossible request. Technically, a panacea. Due to being immortal and having the world's best doctor at ones side, she didn't have much use for it, thus its low rank.
[Robe of Fire Rat: Salamander Shield]: D
The third impossible request. A Robe created from the fire rat. It is greatly fire-resistant, but lacks any defenses on other parts. Kaguya didn't mind that, until she was punched in the face by her rival.
[Buddha's Stone Bowl: Buddhist Diamond]: C
The first impossible request. It is an unbreakable bowl, and as such, can stop any attack, due to its inability to break. Its only flaw is that it only has the size of a human hand, and attacks can still go over, under, or past it…
[Dragon Necklace: Brilliant Dragon Bullet]: B
A branch with five glowing energy balls to it. Unlike what the name says, it fires brightly colored laser beams. It also has nothing to do with dragons. Perhaps the world's first known attempt of false advertisement
[Hourai Barrage: Dreamlike Paradise]: A
The second impossible request. Kaguya's best Noble Phantasm, it blows away all things around oneself with tons and tons of colored energy bullets, until all that is left around her is a sphere of nothingness with a radius of thirty meters. I have nothing funny to say about it. Truly her strongest ability.
Me, Tohsaka and Illyasviel were looking at the stats, and we all had the same thought:
"What the hell is up with her immortality?!"
"Well, if you're going to participate in a death match, then having a servant who cannot die is a sure victory, ze!" Well… she does have a point there…
"But how did you summon an immortal being as the spirit of a DEAD hero?!"
"I'm pretty sure a very convenient plot twist is going to happen in 3… 2… 1…"
…
"I said: 3… 2… 1…"
… still nothing.
"Oi, Flagarach! Hurry up and give me my convenient plot twist!"
Flagarach: fine, fine…
Out of nowhere, a girl appeared with long white hair, carrying some shopping bags, smoking a cigarette and singing some yakisoba song. She suddenly stopped, and looked at the situation in front of her:
"What the heck is going on here?" and then she looked to the roof: "Kaguya? How are you still alive? Didn't I kill you with my new "super-extreme-move-that-I-cannot-say-at-all-because-of-copyright-laws-and-Flagarach-his-unwillingness-to-explain-any-formed-loopholes-in-here"?
"There's my convenient plot twist!" The witch cheered in joy.
"Oh, Mokou, how nice to see you again!"
"Ah, Kaguya! It got a bit boring without you. I don't hold any grudge anymore, but still, want to relive the old days?"
"Oh, do you think you can beat me, who has been strengthened through the Holy Grail? You're on, fallen noble!"
"Just as I like it, hourai NEET!" And the two flew off in the sky, giving a nice amount of firework in the night sky. And the witch Marisa was left alone, and Illya and Tohsaka are looking… VERY scary now.
"Say, Illya, should we hurt this person for wanting to kill weakened servants?"
"Hmm? I think that someone needs to be thought a lesson, right, Rin?"
"Right…" Women are scary…
And thus, Marisa is going to be kille-
"Stop it!" On top of the building Archer climbed, another young woman was standing. This one has brown eyes and brown hair going to the waist. She is clothed in a red, armpitless miko outfit with a HUGE ribbon in her hair, and she has a gohei in her hands.
"Ah, Reimu! How are you doing!" It seems the witch knows this shrine maiden.
"Clearly much, much better than you." And the shrine maiden turned to the Illya and Tohsaka. "Could you please stop harassing my friend?"
Tohsaka looked at her and took something out of her pocket. "This jewel worth 10,000,000 yen is for you if you let us torture her… a lot."
The shrine maiden's eyes changed into yen signs. "OK, go ahead! But do it quickly. We're far over the 6 mille word count."
"So, even Reimu betrayed me, ze. Well, at least I have one last option." She cupped her hands together, and energy started to gather in her hands. "I am Son Marisa, a saiyan from planet Vegeta, and I am the protector of Gensokyo, da ze. I am the hope of the universe. I am the answer to all living things crying out for peace, ze. I am protector of the innocent. I am the light in the darkness. I am ally to good, and a nightmare to you, da ze! Kaaaaa…" Wait, "Meeeeee…." is this "Haaaaa…" the legendary "Meeee…" super saiya-
"MAAAAASTER SPAAAAAARK!" Nope, it was all just a lie… still created a giant energy beam, though.
Yet before it hit Tohsaka, something blocked it until no energy was left. Standing there was the shrine maiden, who… was also standing on that building?
"Why are there two of you?"
"If you want to do something…"
"…do it yourself." The other one finished.
So technically, "You summoned yourself in this war?"
Both nodded, and the one on the roof jumped (flew) next to herself. "Now then Marisa, time for your punishment."
"And don't even think of trying magic," The other added, "My B-class magic resistance makes me immune to all of yours."
"Well, ehm… I… flee!" and she escaped far, far aw-
-GAP-
Or at least, she would have were it not for the giant gap that gobbled her up.
"Umm… now what?"
The shrine maidens turn to me: "Trust me…"
"…those who end there…"
…will most likely never see the light of day again." And they both turned to Tohsaka: "Can we have our jewel now?" Obviously, Rin complied.
Soooo, what now? Luckily, one of the shrine maidens, the servant, continued the conversation: "Say, master?"
"Yes, Rider?"
"Well, if you're here, and Marisa is here, then who is taking care of Gensokyo now?"
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
A gigantic explosion. Like an enormous bounded field was ripped apart, and all the magic inside has been freed.
"What Gensokyo?"
Flagarach: And we end this story with a bang! So yeah, Caster is now in the story. Clearly most Caster servant guesses went to Patchy and Alice, but it was Kaguya. Surprise! I think she reflects Marisa's way of fighting the best: Putting all your trust in a single move that's almost considered cheating, da ze!
Lancer: Answer me, Flagarach!
Flagarach: Ah, it's Lancer! What is it, Lancer?
Lancer: Isn't it obvious? Gensokyo exploded! There is an immortal servant in the war! But most of all, I died! I didn't sign up to become the pierrot of this fanfic!
Flagarach: Let's go over all three points: First, it wasn't an explosion. It was an implosion.
Lancer: YOU. DESTROYED. GENSOKYO.
Flagarach: Pff, big deal. If you complain, blame Reimu and Marisa. They just HAD to leave Gensokyo to participate. Next point after the omake that I couldn't finish due to a certain AUO:
I walked upstairs. I don't know what I had summoned, but it was the strongest class, Saber for sure. I tried to open the door. Tried, because the door broke down. I couldn't believe what I saw…
"A bunny girl?"
The bunny girl looked towards me. "Say, please tell me that you've been called more than just a 'bunny who is only good for her sex appeal'…"
"Well, that is what Tewi always called me, so… I guess not?"
…
That morning Tohsaka Rin was found in her own room. She had commited suicide: her last words were not that special, except for the "Sorry, Father. All I summoned was a little bunny girl" part.
Flagarach: So, yeah Reisen was my second choice, but I'm afraid Rin would earlier commit suicide then have a bunny girl as her servant.
Lancer: Forget that! You summoned an immortal servant! That goes against every Holy Grail war rule!
Flagarach: As a famous king of heroes once said: "Screw the rules, I am the rules!" Besides, maybe people will find out how Mokou truly killed Kaguya and maybe it will be used once again on her… Anyway, next Omake.
I looked at what I summoned. Clearly, it was a sailor, one with much experience on the sea.
"I am one who has wrecked many ships, I cause all sailors to fear the sea itself! I am Minamitsu Murasa, and I have been summoned as the servant Rider. I ask of you, are you my master?"
…
…
…
"Where is the pun of this omake? I can't find it!"
Flagarach: The reason she is the first servant I replaced. I had a hard time finding good riders, and this was the first one I found. Due to a lack of jokes, she didn't make the cut.
Murasa: Whaaat?
Lancer: Anyway, what about the last part? I, Lancer, have died!
Flagarach: You aren't huma-
Lancer: Obvious jokes aside; I don't want to die every chapter.
Flagarach: Don't worry, you won't die after this.
Lancer: Really?
Flagarach: Yep, because it's permadeath.
Lancer: Ohhhh… It's permadeath. How could I have been so s- Wait, permadeath?!
Flagarach: For now, next Omake!
Lancer: Wait a se-
"Sakura, you better summon the best servant possible for me!" I looked at my sister. Well, her cooking is good, and she has some magic potential, but she isn't nearly as great as me, Shinji! "Gramps, start the ritual!"
The ritual continued. I waited in excitement at which servant I would get. Lancer? Archer? If I'm lucky, I would even get Saber! But no matter which servant it is, it will surely be the best servant!
The circle crakles. The room get's foggy. I try to see what was summoned. It was a girl, with silver hair, in two short braids. knifes are strapped around her legs, and she wears a maid outfit.
"Upon your summoning, I have come forth. I ask of you: are you my master?"
…
"Gramps, are you sure we summoned the right sort of servant?"
Flagarach: Look, Lancer, we could have had Sakuya as an Assassin! I wanted to do a Caster omake, but Mokou would have the same jokes as Kaguya, so it wasn't worth writing.
Lancer: I don't care! Am I not one of the four characters promoting this, next to Gilgamesh, Shirou and Rin?
Flagarach: Yes…
Lancer: Didn't you promise me that I will be one of the major roles last chapter?
Flagarach: I did…
Lancer: So why did you do this?
Flagarach: I lied.
Lancer: What?
Flagarach. I lied: I mean, Gen Urobochi does it all the time, so why couldn't I? What are you going to do about it? Kill me? Oh wait, I became immortal after my 3000th death!
Remilia: But you can still feel pain, right?
Flagarach: Hold on, there are now two of you?
Lancer: No, I am the heroic spirit that died in this war.
Remilia: And I am the Remilia that died with the explosion-
Flagarach: Implosion.
Remilia: -Implosion of Gensokyo.
Lancer+Remilia: And together, we're going to kill you!
Flagarach: Next omake!
L+R: Hold i-
Illya was looking at what she summoned. It wasn't Berserker, but Saber; which, while not as Loyal was at least as powerful.
It was male, with long silver hair, black leather suit with boots of the same material an insanely long and slim nodachi, and a single wing to boot.
"Who are you?"
"I am the son of the Heaven's Dark Harbringer, JENOVA. I… am-
Flagarach: Sephiroth?
"Indeed, that is me."
Flagarach: What the heck are you doing here? This omake was meant for Flandre!
Sephiroth: I do as I please. Watch this:
Flagarach: What?
The great son of the Heaven's Dark Harbringer, The One-Winged Angel, Sephiroth: This!
Flagarach: You can't just appear in any crossover! This is Fate/Touhou! I haven't even played Final Fantasy 7! Get out of here!
The greatly angered great son of the Heaven's Dark Harbringer, The One-Winged Angel, Sephiroth: YOU DIDN'T PLAY FF7? VAMPIRES! HELP HIM WITH PAYING FOR HIS SINS!
R+L: Any last words?
Flagarach: Uhm…help me, Eirin!
Eirin: Why should I?
Flagarach: Eh?
Eirin: You let Kaguya die, destroyed Gensokyo, and I'm lower on the Archer list than Reisen!
Flagarach: Oh…
Eirin: Besides, every single Gensokyan resident wants you dead, isn't that right, guys?
Patchouli: Indeed.
Chen: *nods*
Wriggle: Yeah!
Shikieiki: He will be judged!
Aya: News flash: Writer gets brutally humiliated!
Satori: For what you have done and are thinking, die…
Kogasa: Surprise!
Mamisou: You're supposed to say yes, Kogasa…
Every other Gensokyan resident: YES!
Flagarach: Can this get even worse?
Bazett: I should kill you too for the first chapter!
Cloud: 'sup? I was supposed to kill some Flagarach guy.
Flagarach: F*ck my mouth.
…
…
…
The rest of this chapter has been cancelled due to technical difficulties.
