Morbid Humour
Chapter Two: Your Fatal Loins
Naruto expected people to laugh at him when they found out but nobody laughed. They were all surprisingly kind and sympathetic with his situation even though male pregnancy only occurred when pigs grew wings and learned to fly.
"I don't understand," Naruto said as Shizune coaxed him back into bed. "It's impossible, right?"
"It's supposed to be," Tsunade replied. "But you look like a very special case in a very special situation. I suspect that it's also going to be a one-off thing, so if something goes wrong and the baby dies this first time you don't get another chance."
Naruto furrowed his eyebrows in anxiety. He didn't know why but there was a little fluttering in his stomach and a tightening in the chest followed by a skipped beat of the heart when Tsunade said that. There was something about that sentence that Naruto didn't enjoy hearing. He suddenly became frightened. There was a little thing growing in his stomach that he would have carry around for a painful nine months and then somehow get it out of his system. He didn't find that idea very appealing but he didn't like the idea that any little mistake he made could kill somebody – or at least apotential somebody.
Shizune saw the worry in Naruto's face and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Naruto," she said kindly, "we're going to help as best we can. I'm not sure how much we can do though. There are going to be a lot of issues." Shizune's face hardened slightly as she put on a serious look.
"Yeah," Tsunade instantly agreed. "Like first of all, you're male. Your body wasn't made to give birth or carry babies so I can predict so many complications already. It'll be interesting to see how the baby sits on your pelvis and there will be spinal anomalies in your lower back region so it's crucial for the weight to be distributed evenly and centred."
"What if it's not?" Naruto asked out of curiosity.
"Then you'll end up with a spinal deformity. The baby might also have a tough time growing in a male body however that shouldn't be a big problem and I doubt that the baby's growth will be too stunted."
"What about Akatsuki?" Shizune proposed.
"I was getting there," the Godaime replied.
Naruto groaned. The Akatsuki was the last thing he needed on his tail. If they found out that he was pregnant there would definitely be complications on Konoha's side. An S-rank criminal would jump at the chance to get their hands on a sixteen-year-old, pregnant boy and murder him for the demon fox inside. Tsunade could see by the look on Naruto's face that he already understood the problems in that category.
"There's also one more thing, it'll be hard for you to get around, you'll need a low profile," Tsunade added. Naruto looked up and gave her a look of startled confusion. Tsunade saw that and rolled her eyes. "You idiot! Do you expect people to look at you and say; 'Ooh, look; a pregnant boy. How interesting'? It's not exactly the normal thing and you should already know that there aren't many people in Konoha who want anything to do with something spawned by you. We might have to send you incognito or something."
"Um, Tsunade-sama, what about Suna?" suggested Shizune. "He could stay there undercover until the baby arrives. Gaara-sama and his siblings can take very good care of him seeing as Gaara is the Kazekage and all."
"What did I just say about keeping a low profile? Naruto shouldn't move out and about a lot and moving between Suna and Konoha is moving out and about a lot. Besides, Akatsuki already possess knowledge of that area: the terrain, the roads and the towns; they know it all!"
"But they wouldn't be hanging around Suna anymore," Shizune pressed. "They've already taken the Ichibi from Gaara so why would they hang around?"
"However, Shizune, they're on the boarders of Fire Country. They'll see everyone and everything that moves in and out of the country, even the ants. Naruto would never get past them."
"What if he was dressed up as a girl?"
Naruto shot up into a sitting position. "What?"
"A girl?" Tsunade repeated. "Naruto wouldn't even know how to look like a girl, let alone act like one."
"Hey! You're talking about the famous inventor of the sexy no jutsu!" Naruto retorted, pointing at Tsunade.
"Lie down, Naruto; you might cause yourself another miscarriage. But seriously, we need a solution."
"I'm not too worried," Naruto suddenly said.
"You were worried a minute ago!" snapped Tsunade.
"Hey, I've got people who care about me here to look after me. I've got Sakura, Kakashi, Iruka and you and Shizune who care about me the most. It'll be alright."
Tsunade sighed. "You only say that now…" she said, unable to keep anxiousness from creeping into her thoughts.
Naruto was discharged from the hospital late that evening. He decided it was time for some real food, not hospital food or nutrients out of an IV drip… it was time for Ichiraku's Ramen!
On his way to the ramen stand Naruto passed by the Ninja Academy. The young ninja-to-be walked out of school happily talking about what they were going to do on the weekend and how to put off homework to the last minute in the best possible way. Naruto sighed and kept walking.
"Hey, Naruto," someone said with a tap on his shoulder. Naruto turned around. Iruka was there grinning at him. "You look really down today. Is something the matter?"
Naruto contemplated telling him the truth right then and there but he was stopped by the thought of his poor ex-teacher fainting in front of kids who would poke him with the nearest stick they could find. Instead Naruto shook his head.
Iruka tried to contemplate Naruto's distressed state of mind. His former student looked like the world had just dropped a ton of bricks on him. He couldn't remember very many times when Naruto had looked so down in the dumps but he did know one sure-fire way to cheer him up. "Hey, how about we go to Ichiraku's for dinner? It'll be my treat."
Just as he'd thought, Naruto instantly smiled and jumped at the invitation. "Yeah!"
Naruto grinned as his order of extra large pork and chicken ramen was placed in front of him. He leaned over to take a huge whiff of the contents of his bowl. It made Iruka smile at the fact that Naruto was looking like his usual cheery self. Iruka thanked the old man for his meal once his miso ramen was placed in front of him and picked up a pair of wooden chopsticks.
Naruto followed suit. "Thanks for treating me, Iruka-sensei," he said. "Itadakimasu!" he exclaimed as he snapped his chopsticks.
Iruka just smiled. "It's fine Naruto, just don't eat so much today. I don't want to go broke. Itadakimasu." Iruka also snapped his chopsticks and started to slurp some noodles. That's when he noticed that he was the only one slurping. He turned to Naruto, finding that the young ninja wasn't jumping into his food with his reguar gusto. Naruto stared at his food for a little bit and then picked up a piece of chicken and popped it in his mouth. He chewed on it slowly and then picked up a small amount of noodles. He slurped them up quietly and slowly. Iruka finished off the noodles he had in his mouth and stared at Naruto worriedly. "Naruto, are you alright?"
Naruto finished off another mouthful of noodles and looked up at Iruka. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
"Well, you're just not getting into your ramen that way you used to. Did you move on and find something better to eat without letting me know?"
Naruto laughed and shook his head. "No way! Ramen is always going to be the best. It's just that…" Naruto's mood fell again, "I haven't been feeling well lately. I've lost my appetite a little bit."
"Is it something you want to talk about? If it's the flu or a stomach bug I have medicine at home that will help cure it," Iruka offered. "Or if it's not that, was it your mission? Did you fail?"
"No, it's not like that at all," Naruto replied. He hopped back into his ramen, a little bit more quickly than before but was still lacking his usual enthusiasm.
Iruka turned back to his own bowl and the next part of the meal was carried out in silence. Iruka ate more slowly now, thinking about what could possibly bug Naruto so badly that he couldn't even tell one of the people closest to him. While he was thinking, Naruto was wondering why he couldn't tell Iruka: one of the few people closest to him.
"Maybe," he thought, "I'm still finding this hard to swallow myself. I still don't quite believe that I'm pregnant."
After five whole minutes of complete silence Iruka sighed. "Naruto, I don't think I'll be able to sleep easy tonight if I know there's something wrong that you can't tell me," he said sincerely. "It'll just keep eating me away. What if it kills you?"
"Iruka, it's fine. I already know that it won't kill me," Naruto said.
"Then why can't you tell me what's wrong?"
Ayame was sitting behind the counter waiting for a new customer. She got up and moved to the back room when she sensed a very private conversation coming on, smiling at Naruto as she went. Naruto gave her an appreciative nod of thanks and looked back down at his ramen. "It's a little bit hard to explain…"
"You know you can trust me to understand."
Naruto nodded and prepared himself to drop the big bombshell. "Iruka-sensei… I'm pregnant."
Another five minutes passed that consisted solely of Naruto staring at his food and picking at it and Iruka staring at him wide-eyed with shock. Naruto was too embarrassed to look his former teacher in the face. Instead he ate some of his pork pieces. Iruka snickered. Naruto looked up to see Iruka giggling as if he'd just heard a funny joke.
"That's very funny, Naruto, but I was serious when I said I wanted to know what was wrong."
Naruto looked back at him incredulously. "You mean you don't believe me?" he exclaimed, although in his mind he was shouting,"Of course you don't believe me! What sane person would?" "It's true!"
"Naruto, how can I believe that you're pregnant?" Iruka sniggered. "Pregnancy can only occur in females, or did I forget to teach you that in school?"
"Yes, I know that boys can't get pregnant but believe me, I really am!" Naruto desperately pleaded for Iruka to believe him. He needed his former teacher's support or he would have any last resort to turn to if things took a turn for the worst. If Iruka wouldn't believe him he might as well just go and get an abortion and that would be the end of the story. "Even ask Tsunade-baa-chan! Or Shizune-nee-chan! They'll tell you I'm pregnant."
Iruka just stared at Naruto now. He knew that the Hokage and Naruto were friends and even though Tsunade was a gambler who had a perverse sense of humour she wouldn't just band up with Naruto and tell people the boy was pregnant for the fun of it. "I feel rediculous for even believing this... but how could such a thing happen?" he wondered aloud.
"Um…" Naruto started. Suddenly unwanted flashbacks entered his mind. Sasuke and the blood… the whole scene. Iruka could tell by the troubled look on Naruto's face that it wasn't something that should be talked about. "Is it okay if I don't want to talk about it?" Naruto said shakily.
Iruka nodded. "It's alright, Naruto." He pulled Naruto into a warm, fatherly hug. "If you need someone to confide in you know where I live."
Naruto's relief couldn't be matched by anything he'd ever felt in the past. He relaxed and hugged Iruka back. "Thanks Iruka."
Tsunade wasn't having as great a time as Naruto. Her office was once against filled floor to ceiling and wall to wall with stacks of paperwork that she'd been too lazy to complete. Shizune was on her way down to the finance department and was sure to return with even more paperwork. Tsunade would have rather been drunk right now. She sighed exasperatedly and looked up from the mission report she was reading from an A-rank mission. "Jiraiya, how many times do I have to tell you not to peep on me when I'm working!"
Jiraiya's head appeared upside down outside an open window in Tsunade's office. "I was not peeping!"
"Deny all you want, just leave me alone."
Jiraiya swung down from the roof and jumped into Tsunade's office. "Hey, I just came to see how Naruto was coming along with his missions. Has he revealed his new ultimate perverted technique yet? He never showed me."
"What?" Tsunade said with a dangerous tone.
"I can't wait to see it!" Jiraiya squealed like a schoolgirl.
"Jiraiya, I'm busy, can this wait until I'm done?"
"Come on, Tsunade, you've been working hard. Surely you have enough time to entertain an old man." Wrong thing to say. The next thing Jiraiya knew was that Tsunade's desk in all its glory – papers, stationery and all – was flying across the room and slamming him into the wall.
"Now look what's happened you pervert! You'd better help me clean this up!" Tsunade shrieked.
"Hey, hey, I wasn't the one who made the mess."
"You're the one who got this lady angry!" Tsunade growled. "If you run off I'll hunt you down."
Jiraiya sighed. He was defeated. "Okay, but seriously, how's Naruto?"
"If you must know," Tsunade sighed, "He's pregnant."
Jiraiya laughed so hard his stomach felt like it was going to explode. "Tsunade, you almost killed me with that one!"
Tsunade gave him a hard, serious glare. Jiraiya stopped laughing at stared at the female Sannin looming above him and shadowing him with her presence. Suddenly her expression lightened up and a smile spread across her face. "Oh, you actually found that funny? Well, I have been working on it for the past few hours."
Jiraiya started laughing again and had to hold his belly this time. "I must admit, it's one of the best jokes I've ever heard from you, Tsunade!"
"Oh, no, it wasn't a joke," Tsunade said. Jiraiya looked and saw that Tsunade's face was hard set and serious. "It's going to be a problem for him. He might not be able to perform ninjutsu for a while."
"Aw, why not?" asked Jiraiya, disappointed that he wouldn't get to see Naruto's latest perverted technique.
"I wondered that too at first. Yamato reported to me that Naruto had not been eating or training well. Those are normal symptoms of pregnant women but his chakra shouldn't have been so low. I think it's because his body is having a hard time adjusting. It's normal for a woman but a man definitely couldn't get used to it. I'm guessing that when his eating pattern broke the baby started to feed directly off his chakra to maintain its own health and growth during the first trimester."
"But Tsunade, Naruto doesn't have a womb? Where would the baby grow?"
Tsuande's eye twtiched and her eyebrows furrowed. She, like all experts hated giving the answer she needed to deliver: "I have no idea."
Naruto patted his tummy. He felt better now that his hunger was fulfilled, his dinner and dinner bill were completely taken care of and he now had the full support and confidence of his former teacher and friend to help him through what would very possibly be a long, hard pregnancy. What else could any other pregnant sixteen-year-old boy ask for in one night?
As he walked back home in the dark with only the street lights to guide him he noticed a presence following him. He turned around but didn't see anything so he kept walking. The presence moved. He stopped and turned around. He knew it couldn't be Sasuke or any member of Akatsuki, he wouldn't have sensed them already. Just when Naruto started to contemplate who would make their presence so obvious to him but at the same time try to hide from him Hinata peeked out from behind a nearby mailbox that was only about three paces away from Naruto. Naruto jumped. "How the hell did she get so close to me without me knowing?" he wondered.
"Hey, Hinata," Naruto said.
Hinata blushed and smiled coyly. "Y-yes, Naruto-kun."
"What are you doing out here? It's late and your father might get worried about you," Naruto replied.
Hinata tapped her fingertips together. "Um… well… you see n-Naruto-kun… I wanted to know… I was finding out… there was something I-I needed to know…"
"This is one of the reasons why I think she's so weird," Naruto thought. "Hinata, just spit it out. I won't bite you if you say it."
Hinata blushed more and took a small step back as if she was afraid that he would bite her. "Well… I heard a rumour… I heard this from Sakura… I wanted to know… i-is it true that you're having a child?"
Naruto stared at her. "That's all she wanted to say? Why does she take so long?" "Um… well, it's a little bit hard to talk about," Naruto admitted, "and I feel awkward about it… but I guess it's not use hiding it from you if you already know."
"S-so does that mean it's t-true?"
Naruto nodded. Then his eyes widened in shock as suddenly Hinata went as stiff as a board. She fainted on the sidewalk. Naruto kneeled down beside her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Hinata? Hinata! What are you doing fainting like that in the middle of sidewalk? What did I do? Wake up! Hinata!" Naruto slapped her on the face to try and help her regain consciousness.
Hinata slowly opened her eyes. She blushed and air filled her head when the first thing she saw just so happened to be Naruto's face and the first thing she heard just so happened to be Naruto's voice calling her name. She smiled as she gazed into his eyes happily, content to just command his full attention for the moment.
"Hinata, are you okay? What happened just then? You fainted for no reason."
"I had a funny dream," Hinata muttered with her head still on cloud nine.
"A dream?" Naruto wondered how long it took for a person to have a whole dream. Hinata was only out of it for twenty seconds.
"Naruto-kun told me he was having a child," Hinata explained as if she wasn't talking to him.
"Hinata, that wasn't a dream, that just happened," Naruto informed her
"Excuse me?"
"I'm having a baby in a few months."
Hinata fainted again.
My friend thought I wouldn't get more than 200 hits for the 1st chapter and I proved him wrong. I was, however, slightly annoyed by the fact that of the four people who reviewed the 1st chapter only half of them had any real feedback. I think it's awesome that people like the story but I would like feedback from everyone, even if you don't like it because that's the most useful tool for me as a writer. Also, I don't mind if you have questions or problems with my logic (which might get a bit weird as the story progresses), I'll happily explain.
