He woke the next day still tired, but forced himself to get out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and wasn't shocked at all at how tired he appeared. He splashed water on his face and straightened his hair as best he could before deeming himself acceptable and moved to get dressed and then headed for the bridge for his shift.
When he arrived on the bridge he noted that he was the last one to arrive and he tried to ignore the glare he received from Uhura. He didn't even try to look over at Spock before settling down in his chair.
"Sulu, report," Jim said, doing his best to pretend there wasn't any tension between him and his crew.
"We're currently traveling in warp one toward..." Whatever he was going to say was cut off by a voice from Jim's right.
"Jim!" He didn't have to turn to know it was Bones.
"Doctor, Sulu was in the middle of a sentence and I'm working. Surely this can wait?"
"Actually, Captain," McCoy said and suddenly he was right in front of Jim. "I insist you come with me."
"Bones, can't we do this later?" Jim hissed at him.
"You can either come with me, or we can have this conversation here in front of your crew. Your choice." Jim could see that Bones was completely serious and sighed.
"Fine," Jim huffed. "Mr. Spock, you have the conn," he said, still not looking at Spock, not wanting to have to face him. He got up and quickly left the bridge, McCoy right behind him.
They walked in silence to sickbay and if McCoy noticed Jim's slower pace he didn't mention it. When they walked in, McCoy signaled to his office and Jim moved to it without a sound, sitting himself down in one of the chairs in the room. McCoy closed the door and locked it before speaking.
"What the hell are you doing?" McCoy demanded.
"Sitting here talking to you, Bones," Jim said innocently.
"Smart ass. What were you doing on the bridge?"
"Umm, working? You see, I'm the captain of this ship and..."
"You should be resting, Jim," McCoy said, his voice softening. "Did you sleep at all last night? You look exhausted."
"I am exhausted," Jim admitted. "And I slept, just not very well."
"Which brings me to my next question," McCoy said and Jim cringed.
"So you heard?"
"It's amazing how fast gossip travels on a starship amongst adults. What were you thinking, Jim?"
"I was thinking that this is what's best. This way he'll think I don't love him and by time I'm gone he'll have gotten over me. We were getting too close, too attached. I want him to be able to easily go on after I..." He trailed off
"Goddamn it, Jim," McCoy sighed. "He's going to find out, you know."
"Not from me, he isn't."
"You're going to get sicker, Jim. Right now you're just tired, but it won't take long for your condition to deteriorate and you won't be able to work anymore."
"I know."
"Jeez, kid," Bones said. "You're going to need him through this. It's not going to be easy."
"Yeah, I read the information you gave me. I'll manage and then you'll sweep in with your miracle cure and everything will be just fine. But on the chance that that doesn't happen, I want to make sure he'll be alright."
"Do you really think this is fair to him? I know he's a cold-hearted bastard, but..."
"He feels a lot more than you think, Bones, trust me."
"All the more reason to rethink this! How would you feel if the person you loved was... how would you feel if he were the one doing this to you?"
"God, Bones, I know," Jim breathed, running his hand over his face and slumping further into his chair. "I know, alright? I just... I can't do this. I know how I would feel if it were him, how I would feel having to watch him... I don't want him to do that, alright? I don't want this to be harder on him than it has to be."
"And it's not hard on him you just dumping him like that?"
"Bones..."
"Fine, Jim, we'll drop this. Just... think about it, okay?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Good," Bones said. "Now, how are you feeling. And don't try lying to me because I'll know if you are."
"I'm tired," Jim said with a sigh and shifted in his chair. "And I'm sore."
"Sore?" McCoy asked, stepping out of best friend mode and into doctor mode. "Sore how?"
"Just achy, like when you have the flu, you know?"
"Okay," McCoy nodded. He stood up and grabbed his tricorder before walking back over to Jim and scanning him. "You have a bit of a fever, too. I can give you something for that."
"Thanks," Jim said, closing his eyes.
"I can give you something to make you less 'achy', too," McCoy said. "But it'll make you tired and I don't suppose you'd listen to me and take the day off to rest, would you?"
"Yeah," Jim said after a moments hesitation. "As long as I don't have to rest in sickbay."
"Seriously? You'd take my advice and skip work today? You must feel worse than you're telling me," McCoy said skeptically.
"No, I'm telling you the truth, really," Jim promised. "I just... I'm too tired to face him right now."
"Oh."
"Yeah, so just give me your damn shots and I'll be on my way."
"Alright, just hold on," McCoy agreed and went to gather the appropriate drugs. He quickly, but gently administered the drugs before setting the empty hypos aside and helping Jim to stand. "C'mon, I'll walk with you, make sure you don't pass out on the way there."
"Thanks, Bones," Jim said, already feeling the effects of the drugs and becoming drowsy. They walked in relative silence through the halls, McCoy only making enough small talk to keep Jim alert and not saying a word when Jim started to lean on him as they walked. When they reached the door McCoy punched in the code that Jim gave him and all but carried Jim to the bed. He helped him dress down to underclothing before settling him into the bed and folding up the clothes.
"Okay, I'm going to let you rest, Jim," McCoy said as he stacked the clothing up on the dresser. "I'll let Spock know you're feeling a little under the weather and I've ordered you to rest. Page me if you need anything, understand?" McCoy nodded at Jim's nod and moved to leave the room, but stopped when Jim spoke.
"Bones?" Jim said sleepily and McCoy moved back over to the bed and sat down on the edge.
"Yeah, Jim, right here," he acknowledged and, noticing a tear rolling down Jim's face, brought his hand up to brush it away.
"I do love him, you know," Jim said, leaning into McCoy's touch.
"I know you do," McCoy answered.
"When I'm gone, can you make sure he knows that I loved him? Make sure he knows that I just want him to be happy?"
"Jim..."
"Please, just say yes, Bones."
"Yeah, Jim. I'll make sure he knows."
"M'kay, thanks," Jim mumbled before drifting off to sleep.
"Fuck," McCoy muttered before straightening the covers that he'd messed up and walking quietly out of the room. When the door shut behind him he leaned his back against it, closing his eyes tightly and letting out a deep breath before heading back toward sickbay. He never noticed Spock watching him.
