Edward moved faster than the Enterprise from Star Trek on one of its missions. As soon as he reached the beautiful house of the Cullens', he pushed the door open with such force that it was ripped off its hinges. Esme stood near by with obvious alarm.
"Edward, what's –" she started, but Edward cut her off.
"Captain's log, star date one two three four five, Bella has turned me on once again and I must satisfy my needs," he muttered.
He raced upstairs, leaving Esme standing there, mouth open, flabbergasted.
Edward burst into his room and in one second had changed into a pair of tight Speedo's that left nothing to the imagination.
He ran to his bed and looked under the pillow. Sure enough, there were the ten cans of whipped cream Alice had strategically placed there in advance.
Laughing maniacally, Edward lathered himself in the cream until he was completely covered from head to toe and situated himself on his bed in a provocative position.
The door suddenly opened. Emmett walked in, took one glance at Edward and swiftly walked back out.
Scowling at the intrusion, Edward picked up his phone and dialled Bella's number.
Little did he know that Jacob was hiding in Edward's wardrobe, watching the whole affair.
"Oh, Bel-la …" Edward cooed into the phone, once his love had picked up.
"Yes, my love?" Bella replied, her mouth obviously still filled with cream.
"Prepare yourself," Edward paused, smiling to himself again. "For the most delicious night of your life."
"Does it involve Splitz ice-cream? God, Edward, can you buy me some? Also can you get me a pizza? And, ooh, some Willy Wonka delectables!"
Bella continued to list many other foods whilst Edward's mind wandered around aimlessly, picturing what was about to happen.
"Edward? EDWARD!" Bella yelled, so loudly that Edward almost became deaf.
"Huh?"
"Edward, what did you mean by the yummiest night?"
"You'll see," Edward replied in a seductive tone. "See you in approximately ten minutes. Meet me in my bed. You won't be needing any eating utensils … except for your tongue."
"Oh, Edward!" Bella giggled. "I'll be there momentarily."
"Okay, my love."
Edward hung up the phone and sighed. He yawned and turned away from the door, closing his eyes in anticipation of his kinky afternoon.
Without any warning, Edward found himself kicked off the bed by a fuming Jacob.
"Take off your clothes," Jacob growled.
Edward looked down at his Speedo's and gulped. Jacob growled again, so Edward quickly disrobed.
"Good!" Jacob said. He then proceeded to throw Edward out the window.
Jacob quickly donned the Speedo's and took Edward's place on the bed, lathering himself in cream. He grinned, and prepared himself for the best night of his life.
"Edward, I'm coming!" Bella giggled as she stood outside Edward's bedroom door. She pushed it open quietly, and when she saw her true love lying nearly naked on their bed, covered in cream, she gasped in arousal.
She unexpectedly pounced upon him, licking every part of his body furiously.
"Edward," she moaned. "I can't believe you did all this for me, it's just so good of you … oh, you taste so GOOD!"
She seductively ran her tongue down his stomach, below his navel, lower and lower …
"Oh, God, Bella, that feels good," Edward growled in a husky voice.
Bella momentarily paused, confused. Edward didn't usually growl in a husky voice. She shrugged and continued her journey downwards.
"Ooh," Edward let his breath escape into a moan, in obvious orgasmic pleasure.
Bella got bored with what she was doing, so produced her index finger. With this, she began making patterns and swirls on Edward's chest, then licked her finger in delight.
"Oh, Edward, why didn't you think of this before? This is so much fun!" Bella squealed.
She dived in, crashing her lips onto his creamy mouth – at least, she hoped it was his mouth.
After many minutes of this, Bella drew back, waiting for her breath to return.
A scream of agony pierced the air. The noise was coming from outside.
"What the pluck was that?" Bella cried out in surprise.
"Erm, nothing …" the husky voice replied.
"Edward, what is wrong with your voice today?" Bella demanded.
"Err, nothing … my voice is always like this, Bells."
Bella froze. Edward NEVER called her Bells! She was not some jingly device used on Santa's sleigh! Her eyes widened.
"Who are you?" she shrieked, pushing the cream-clad, unidentifiable body away from her.
"IT'S JACOB!" a voice screamed from outside the window.
Bella ran over and undid the latch, pulling it open to discover that the real Edward had scaled the wall to his window.
It didn't escape Bella's notice that Edward was very naked.
Her jaw dropped. "Edward! What – how?"
Edward scowled and swung himself into his room, hurriedly grabbing a stuffed animal to cover himself.
Jacob giggled.
"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" Edward roared at Jacob, who had wiped the cream off his face to make his identity apparent, now that the cat – or in this case, the dog – was out of the bag.
Jacob hung his head and muttered something unintelligible.
"How dare you?" Bella whispered, tears running down her cheeks. "How dare you even TRY to apologise to me, Jacob Black? You used me! You fooled me into believing you were Edward just so that you could get a little touch!"
Bella collapsed into Edward's arms, sobbing. Edward cradled Bella to his chest, causing the stuffed animal to fall to the ground. Edward found that he no longer cared.
"Jacob," Edward growled in a cold, deadly voice. "You'll get the fuck out of my house right now, and you will never touch MY Bella again. Got it, pup?"
Jacob gulped and nodded. "Yes, sir!" he squeaked nervously.
Edward lifted his leg and kicked Jacob right in the gut, giving the werewolf an unpleasant (or, for Jacob, very pleasant) view momentarily before he flew out the window.
They heard him hit the ground with a painful-sounding crunch.
Bella turned to Edward and looked up at him with a tear-stained face.
"I'm so, so, sorry, Edward," she whispered.
"No, my love," Edward said, brushing Bella's hair behind her ear. He kissed her softly on the lips and subtly tried to pick up the stuffed animal at the same time. "It's not your fault. I still love you."
"I'm still sorry," Bella said regretfully. "Is there anything I can do the make it up to you?"
"Well, actually …" Edward said, stroking his chin.
Bella was obviously thinking the same thing.
