AN: So this chapter is a surprise and significantly longer than the original. I added about two thousand words while I was trying to clean it up. Oops? This chapter features only the interaction between Emily and Catherine because it deals with the aftermath of my story Black Cat. Ashley will be back in the next and final chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine.


It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.

- Lou Holtz


Friday December 17th, 2010

I make it back to my room before Emily makes it out of the bathroom. In fact, I am curled up on my bed, under the covers, when Emily shows up at my door, "Go take your shower Catherine. I need to change the bandages on your back."

Ouch, my real name. I turn towards to her, "Emily I'm sorry."

Emily sighs, "Take your shower Creirwy (kree-ree), we can talk about this afterwards."

It's not perfect, but it is better; I'm back to my nickname now. I sigh quietly in relief as I climb out of my bed. I choose a pair of pajamas under Emily's watchful eye. When I walk to the door, my breath hitches at the thought of having to pass through the doorway with Emily standing there. I freeze. I can't do this.

Emily steps out into the hallway.

I try to breathe slowly as I scoot past her. I consciously control my legs, which want me to sprint for the second bathroom.

"Creirwy (kree-ree)," Emily calls out quietly, "Use my bathroom please."

Her voice stops me in my tracks. I turn back and look at Emily in confusion. I'm not usually allowed to shower in Emily's en-suite.

She raises an eyebrow at my confusion, "Unless of course, you would rather share the bathroom with Ashley."

I shudder involuntarily. Check and mate. There is no way that I want to use the spare bathroom, even though it has all of my stuff in it, if there is a chance of Ashley being on the other side of the door when I open it. So I gather the necessities and Emily follows me back to her bedroom. I stop just past the entrance to the en-suite because Emily is still behind me. I turn around and frown at her, "Emmy what are you doing?"

Emily looks at me strangely, "I'm going to help you take the bandage off."

"I don't need any help," I growl. It's not true, but I need to maintain some of my dignity.

Emily crosses the room, sits down on her bed and picks up a book, "Fine then. I'm going to wait here until you're ready for my help Creirwy (kree-ree). Let me know if you change your mind."

I close the door quickly and lock it. I can hear Emily's sigh of frustration through the bathroom door.

I almost wish that I had stayed home tonight. Jen would have left me alone after her date with Will if I had asked, and I wouldn't have met Ashley. I wouldn't have upset Emily and I wouldn't have pulled open the whip marks on my back. But then I would have been home alone and that would have driven me nuts, I would have checked and rechecked that all of the doors and windows to make sure everything was locked up tight. I probably would have barricaded myself in my room, Henry too, if he were home with me. I would have called Spencer and he wouldn't have picked up his phone. He's been MIA for the past week. I can't help but wonder what is wrong with Spencer.

I purposely take a long time in the shower, hoping that Emily will be asleep when I get out. I turn off the water when it starts running cold and glare hatefully at the chair against the wall. I know that Emily isn't asleep because I can hear classical music playing softly in her bedroom. I pull on my favorite pair of pajama pants, they're from Penelope and are covered in cupcakes. Then I grab my button-up shirt, and put it on backwards so that I am somewhat covered. I learned my lesson about not wearing t-shirts the first night after I was rescued. Emily still needs to cover my back in the antibiotic cream and gauze and I don't think I would be able to look at her if she saw the condition my front was in. I hate having to rely on someone to take care of me, but I can't do it myself. I can't even brush or blow-dry my hair on my own without excruciating pain radiating up and down my back.

After moving the chair to the middle of the small room, I open the bathroom door and see Emily sitting on the fire escape. I walk up to the window but don't climb out, my hair is still wet and I have no desire to get sick. "I know I've been acting bratty. I really shouldn't have been so rude to Ashley. I'm sorry Emmy," I whisper just loud enough for her to hear me.

Emily sighs, "It's not me you have to apologize to Catherine, you need to talk to Ashley."

I almost say that I did, but that would get me in trouble, so instead I say, "Yes mum."

Emily stands up and turns around to look at me, "I am sorry for not talking to Ashley Creirwy (kree-ree). I forgot. Honest."

"It's okay Emmy." I duck my head, "Um Emmy, have you heard from Spence?"

I can see Emily climbing back through the window with a frown on her face from under the fringe of my eyelashes, "We just finished a case Creirwy (kree-ree). Why would I have heard from Spencer?" She closes and locks the window behind her, "Was I supposed to?"

I shrug, "I guess not."

Emily gently tugs on a short lock of my still wet hair, "What's wrong?"

I mumble, "He hasn't called me in a week."

Emily frowns, "We were on a case almost all week. Creirwy (kree-ree) please look at me when I am talking to you."

I look up but I can't meet her eyes, "I know that Emmy, but Spence usually texts me to say good night or good morning. And this time he didn't do that at all. He also hasn't called or texted me to let me know that he has gotten home safely."

With a smirk covering her face Emily raises an eyebrow.

I blush.

Emily smiles at me, "Come on silly girl, I'll blow-dry your hair and then we can talk while I re-bandage your back."

I hate that I flinch when Emily walks past me. I can't control my involuntary reactions but damn it, this is Emily! She's family, she doesn't even mind when I call her mum. I shouldn't be afraid of her.

"Come on Creirwy (kree-ree)," Emily holds out her hand to me.

I have to suppress my desire to run before I can reach out and lace clasp Emily's hand. I am disgusted with my hesitation.

Emily laces out fingers together before gently tugging on my arm.

I follow Emily to the en-suite and sit down on backwards on the chair placed in the middle of the en-suite for this specific purpose, presenting my back to Emily.

Emily inhales sharply a few times while she is blow-drying my hair.

I don't bother to turn my head to look at Emily; I just raise my eyes to the mirror.

Emily is paler than usual.

I cock my head, "What's wrong Emmy?"

Emily blinks and comes back to herself, "Creirwy (kree-ree) did you look at your back after your shower?"

I frown, "Of course not. I haven't looked at my back since the hotel."

Emily frowns, "You haven't looked at all?"

My brow furrows in confusion, "No. Why would I?"

Emily bits the corer of her lip, "Creirwy (kree-ree), Jennifer hasn't said anything to you?"

I narrow my eyes, "Why would Jenny say anything about my back Emmy?"

"Catherine," Emily says cautiously.

"Mum?" I ask warily.

Our eyes lock in the reflection provided by the mirror, "I think you need to look at your back."

I cross my arms even though it's painful, "You're scaring me Emily. Why do you want me to look at it?"

Emily bites her lip, "I really think you should."

I look away, "Before or after you clean it up?"

I can still see Emily's frown in the mirror, "So you do know that you're bleeding again?"

I roll my eyes, "I'm not stupid Emmy. I can feel a little bit of blood trickling down my back."

"Creirwy (kree-ree)," she whispers, "Please stand up. "

I frown, "Emmy?"

Emily closes her eyes, "Just stand up. Please?"

I narrow my eyes, "Not until you give me a real reason."

"Catherine. Stand. Up. Now," she commands.

I rise from position, straddling the chair placed in the middle of the bathroom.

Emily sighs, "Creirwy (kree-ree), you need to be prepared. It's not just a little bit of blood."

I shrug, "So?"

Emily spins me around, "I'm pretty sure you have been ripping your wounds open fairly often."

I am thankful that Emily said wounds and not whip marks, but I still have no idea where she is going with this.

Emily fixes me with an unreadable gaze, "You have a choice to make Catherine, you can either stand with your back to the mirror, facing me, and I will hold up a mirror so that you can see your back or we can do the opposite and you can stand with your back to me."

I shudder at the thought of showing my back to Emily, even though I have done it before, but I don't really want to look at her either. Her eyes are scaring me. I know that I should recognize the emotions displayed so clearly in her eyes but I'm so very tired and half way to a panic attack that I cannot.

"Alright, option number one it is," says Emily quietly. Her eyes never leave me as she reaches around me to pick up her round mirror sitting on the vanity.

I twitch slightly.

Emily steps back, "Are you ready Creirwy (kree-ree)?" Emily asks calmly.

I shake my head.

Emily sighs before trying again, "I need you to trust me Creirwy (kree-ree), can you do that?"

I bite my lip and nod once.

"Good." Emily smiles down at me, "Now I want you to take a step towards me so that we can get a better angle okay?"

I close my eyes and follow her directions.

Emily fiddles with the mirror for a bit, "Okay you can look now Creirwy (kree-ree). Let me know if I need to move the mirror."

I open my eyes and look into the mirror. A gasp escapes my throat. My back is a mess. It should have healed at least a little bit by now; it's been three weeks. And I can see evidence of healing at the bottom of my back, right above my pajama pants but my shoulders and the middle of my back is completely covered in vicious red wounds. Whatever white skin I might still have on my back is obscured by dark red blood. I gag.

Emily frowns, "I want to see something, raise your arms please Creirwy (kree-ree)."

I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from crying out in pain.

Emily isn't looking at my back though; she's looking at my stomach.

I drop my arms.

"Creirwy (kree-ree), what is that on your stomach?" asks Emily, concern colouring her voice.

"Nothing," I say defensively.

Emily places a finger under my chin and raises my head to meet her gaze.

I look away as much as possible.

Emily takes her finger away and crosses her arms, "You have two options, Catherine you can either show me yourself or I will lift the hem of your shirt."

I take a step back, unnaturally afraid. "No!" I say hoarsely, "You can't!"

Emily takes a step forwards, "I need to make sure you didn't do that to yourself."

I glare at her, "Wouldn't my word that I didn't be good enough?"

Emily raises an eyebrow and looks pointedly at my left arm.

I can't believe this, "Fuck you Emily! It was one time and it's been almost thirteen years! I told you in confidence and you're actually using it against me!" I try to walk out of the bathroom. I'm ready to go home to Jennifer now, she wouldn't ask questions like this.

Emily shuts the door and stands in front of it.

I know that there is no way I would be able to get out of the bathroom window so I glare hatefully at Emily.

"Choose Catherine," she says firmly.

"No," I spit out.

"All right then," Emily takes a step towards me.

I take a step back and wince as my back touches the roman white blinds covering the window.

Emily looks sad, "Creirwy (kree-ree) just let me look. I won't have to touch you if you lift the shirt."

I shake my head.

Emily sighs but continues to walk towards me, "I don't want to scare you."

"Well you're doing a piss-poor job of it aren't you," I growl. I hate being cornered.

She lets out a single bark of laughter, "Only you would dare say that to me." By now Emily is less than a foot away, "Are you going to show me or am I going to have to look for myself."

I'm so scared I'm crying, "Don't touch me! Please Emmy! Please don't touch me!"

Emily kneels down in front of me and tugs at the hem of my shirt.

I am so ashamed; I start crying even harder when Emily succeeds in lifting up my shirt and exposing my stomach. I know what's there, even if Emily and the rest of the team don't. I've spent so many hours staring at in the past few weeks. I see it every single time I get dressed and sometimes even after I close my eyes. There are numerous cuts and bruises littering my torso in the process of healing. On one hipbone, the monster, my captor, carved his initials: CD. On the other hip I have small cat. In the middle, just above my pajama pant's hemline are two words, the first on is MY and the second one is ALICE.

Emily's voice is filled with pain, "Oh God Creirwy (kree-ree) I'm sorry. Why didn't you just tell me?" Emily backs away from me and leans over the toilet, losing the food she had consumed earlier. Emily frowns, "That wasn't in you medical report. Why wasn't it in there Catherine?"

I slide down to the tiled floor look at the door.

Emily sighs, "Does Jennifer know?"

I shrug.

She frowns, "That was a yes or no question Catherine. Not an 'I don't know' one."

My voice is barely above a whisper when I answer Emily, "It was caked in blood when we were at the hospital. Jenny didn't leave me, but she couldn't look while they cleaned me up. I can't imagine that she would forget what I looked like the first time either."

Emily's jaw drops, "He did something like this before?"

I look away before nodding once.

She whispers in a horrified voice, "But you were just a baby then." Emily gags and leans over the toilet again.

I frown, "Emily you deal with horrible things every day. Why is this so difficult for you? It's not like he killed me."

Emily flinches, "No, he just tortured you and r-"

I cut her off, "No he did not!"

Emily stares at me, "You honestly don't understand do you?"

I cross my arms, "No I don't."

Emily runs a hand through her hair, "Work is easier to compartmentalize because I don't personally know any of the victims in the case files.

I frown.

Emily sighs, "Catherine, Creirwy (kree-ree), it's different because it's you."

I blush.

Emily helps me stand up and wipes away a few stray tears on my cheek.

I only flinch a little at the physical contact.

"Can I hug you Creirwy (kree-ree)?" she asks quietly.

I raise an eyebrow, "I don't know, can you?"

Emily's lips twitch, "May I hug you Creirwy (kree-ree). Please?"

"I'm not happy with you," I glare at Emily for good measure.

She flinches, "I know. I'm really sorry. I've screwed up everything tonight. Please accept my apology, I swear I won't do it again."

I frown, "I suppose I can forgive you if you really won't try anything like that again."

Emily opens her arms.

I step into them.

Emily wraps her arms around me gently.

I rest my head just above her heart.

"Are we okay now?" she asks quietly.

I nod, unable to find my voice.

Emily kisses the top of my head, "You need a different pair of pajama's Creirwy (kree-ree) and I need new ones too. The ones we're wearing are covered in blood."

I step back and mumble, "I'm sorry I got blood on you Emmy."

Emily rolls her eyes, "Creirwy (kree-ree) I don't care that you got blood on me."

I look over at the sink; "I should wash my clothes now."

Emily raises an eyebrow, "Oh no you don't. I'm going to wash them all myself. You my darling Creirwy (kree-ree), are going to find some clean pajamas to wear after I wash and bandage your back."

"I don't have any clean ones left Emmy," I blush, "I need to do laundry."

Emily sighs, "Alright, I'll find you a shirt to sleep in. Do you have a clean pair of boxers?"

I shrug and sit back down on the chair, "I don't know."

Emily frowns and collects the supplies from my bag, "Do you want to me to see if I have an extra pair of pajama pants?"

I wince as Emily runs a warm washcloth over my back, "They won't fit Emmy."

Emily starts covering my back with an antiseptic, followed by the antibiotic cream and some sort of local anesthesia. I can see her smirk in the mirror, "That's what drawstrings are for Creirwy (kree-ree)."

The antiseptic hurts the most. I roll my eyes, "And what about when I trip over the pant legs and land on my face?"

Emily laughs as she reaches for the gauze and tape, "You're usually quicker on the uptake than that Creirwy (kree-ree). Sleep deprivation must be catching up to you. You need to roll the pant legs."

I huff, half in amusement and half in annoyance.

"All done," says Emily after she fixes the last piece of tape in place.

I frown, "That was fast. Did you use two layers Emmy?"

"Um no." Emily bites her lip, "Was I supposed too?"

I sigh, "Yes. Or I'm going to bleed through it."

"Alright," She sighs, "Second layer coming up."

It takes a while, but both Emily and I are finally ready for bed. Emmy is wearing her usual pajamas but I am wearing one of Emily's button-up shirts and pair of Emily's pajama pants. Getting the pants to stay up sure was interesting. Emmy braced one foot against my hip and pulled at the drawstrings until it was snug enough. I'm not sure if Emily will be able to wear this particular pair ever again; we had to knot them really tightly.

I'm at the door to Emily's bedroom when her voice stops me, "Creirwy (kree-ree)?"

I turn around, "Yes Emmy?"

Emily is biting her lip, "Do you want to stay with me tonight?" She blushes, "It might help with the nightmares."

I don't say anything; just climb on the bed and mirror Emily's position of sitting on the duvet and leaning back against the pillows.

Emily is only silent for a few seconds, "Will you tell me what you saw earlier when Ashley frightened you?"

I frown, "I thought you weren't going to push anymore?"

Emily raises an eyebrow, "This is something completely different and you know it. Besides, I already promised you a conversation about it, you're being difficult on purpose."

I cross my arms, "No."

"Please tell me?" she asks sweetly.

"No," I answer mulishly.

"Creirwy (kree-ree)," she sighs.

I purse my lips, "No Emily."

"Tell me now," she commands.

I growl angrily, "Fine you want to know what I saw? I'll show you." I throw one leg over Emily and straddle her hips. My anger is running through me like fire. I wrap my small hands around Emily's neck. I have just enough control not to squeeze or put any real pressure.

Emily sighs quietly and makes no move to remove neither my hands from her throat nor my trembling body from her's.

My anger dissipates. I let go quickly and move away, I feel like I've been burned. I'm so embarrassed. I blush, "I'm sorry Emmy. I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay Creirwy (kree-ree). I trust you. I know that you would never intentionally hurt me," Emily says gently.

I look away, fresh tears filling my eyes.

Emily reaches for my hand, "Hey now. It's okay Creirwy (kree-ree). I'm a little surprised but definitely not angry."

I clasp her hand as if it were my only lifeline.

Emily squeezes my hand, "Was it your monster that was doing that to you?"

I nod.

Emily sighs before asking in a low soothing voice, "Do you still want to sleep here with me Creirwy (kree-ree)?"

I nod.

"Come here then," Emily opens her arms, "I love you Catherine, nothing will every change that."

I curl into her, ignoring the pain in my back, "I love you too Emmy."


Once you had put the pieces back together,

even though you may look intact,

you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.

- Jodi Picoult


AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. The final chapter will be posted August 1st.

AN3: I haven't finished editing the final chapter. If there is anything in particular that you would like to see please let me know and I will take it into consideration.