A/N: Part two of I'll fight for you. I don't know. I don't like it very much. I'm hoping you will, though.
Disclaimer: I own everything. I also live in a castle with James Potter and he's always smothered in chocolate. Ah… Ignorance is bliss.
She woke up to a dark sky and wondered briefly, like so many times before, if the weather actually changed with her mood.
It had been a week since she last spoke to him. A week of silence, a week of wondering, a week of waiting and, most of all, a week of confusion.
She didn't want him to hang around her, did she?
He was still James Potter. The same annoying prat that used to drive her mad with his arrogant boasting and reckless behaviour.
And still… He wasn't.
He was so much more than she ever gave him credit for. So much stronger, so much wiser, so much more… human, than she ever thought he would be.
She hated herself for avoiding him and his friends. That she didn't have enough courage to just go up to him, apologise, tell him how she felt.
But how did she feel?
It was all such a mess.
Ever since that night when she kissed him, she couldn't get it out of her head. Everything she ate tasted dull next to him, her cuddly bear she'd had since she was two was heart-breakingly cold and nothing, absolutely nothing smelled like him.
And by god was it killing her.
She hadn't shown up in class for the last two days either. Being around him made her dizzy and confused. She needed to think, but she couldn't do that with him around.
What confused her the most was how she now missed his attention.
Because where she thought she was doing a good job at avoiding him, he was doing twice as good.
She'd never thought she'd miss the day when James Potter would be out of her way.
She sighed and turned under the covers.
She would go to class tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow she would start over. Tomorrow was going to be good. She could feel it.
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It didn't surprise her when she woke up at eleven by the thunder storm that was raging outside her window. She shuddered involuntarily.
She hated thunder.
There was a large bang somewhere and she thought it must be the weather.
The noise was heard again and Lily realised that it was coming from inside. From their dorm to be more exact, and just outside her door,
Someone was banging on her door.
Perplexed she shouted "Come in!" before she realised that there was only one other person who had access to this place.
James Potter strode into the room, dark circles beneath his eyes and a hollow, haunted look on his face.
At seeing her in bed he stopped, suddenly.
He looked confused, as if he didn't know what he was supposed to do now that he was here.
"James?" she asked, rather unnecessarily. "What are you doing here?" her voice was slightly hoarse and she wondered if it was because she had just woken up or by the way her body was heating up at his presence.
"Er, I, er, came to see, you know, if you were alright." he said softly, confused, and stepped closer so that he could kneel next to her bed.
"Are you alright?"
She nodded a bit, his smell invading her nose and numbing her senses.
"I feel better now, thanks." she said shyly. He was so close and all she could think about was the other night, when she'd kissed him.
Right before the moment when the whole world turned upside down.
"We were worried, I-" he hesitated and she found him adorable as he did "I was worried. I asked your friends if they knew anything but you hadn't talked to them and, well, I didn't know what to think."
"I was just..." she paused, searching for the right words "thinking. There's so much going on in my mind right now and I just needed a break, you know?"
"I know..." he whispered and she noticed how thin he was looking. Even though muscles were clearly visible beneath his shirt, it seemed it was all there was. He looked heart breakingly skinny, and at the same time so strong, her heart melted.
The decision was easy and all the doubts and thoughts she had about him quickly faded as she saw her opportunity.
She moved into the wall and lifted the covers.
"Lie down, James." she demanded and he hesitated again.
"Lily, you know I can't -"
"I know, James, I know. I just want to talk to you. Please?"
Reluctantly he slipped beneath the covers and she snuggled up against his chest, never wanting the smell of him to ever leave her again.
"How are you?" she asked quietly and he stiffened. She hurried to explain herself.
"I want you to be able to talk to me. I want to know how you're doing. Sometimes you just need to talk about things and frankly, I don't think you do enough of it."
She looked up at him and saw a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"I'm okay, I guess. Not bad and not fine, obviously, but ok."
"Can I ask you how?"
"You might not like the answer." he said seriously and she smiled. He relaxed a bit and she ventured the thought that had been plaguing her mind for days.
"How did it all begin?"
"I don't really know. I guess... it all starts with my dad."
"Your dad?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, my father died at the beginning of sixth year, he was old - really, really old - and he was ill. It wasn't exactly unexpected, but still... It was my dad."
She snuggled up closer, hugging him tighter, letting him know that she was still there.
"And, well, it just broke my mother's heart. She was sad and lonely with me here and everything and since I'd grown up so loved and protected I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted to give something back to them, to her. I knew he always wanted me to be Head Boy and prefect, so I started to work hard. I wanted her to be proud of me too. I wanted her to see that even though everything in her world was shattered and broken, I was something to hold on to."
He sighed.
"You might remember that Dumbledore made me prefect in the middle of sixth year?"
She nodded into his chest. She remembered it alright, and she had been so unbelievably upset by it.
"And at the same time I was Quidditch captain, school was harder than ever, Sirius and Remus were still fighting and everything was just so stressful.
"I started skipping breakfast to get some more sleep. Prefect duties, homework and Quidditch were just too much and I needed sleep, I told myself. Loads of people didn't eat breakfast."
He stopped and she looked up, he smiled ironically.
"That was the lie I was feeding the Marauders as well."
"Oh." she said and ran her hand up his arm to sooth him.
"And you know... It was just so easy. I had total control over it. I got more time if I wasn't eating and I could relax more, I wasn't really that hungry anyway."
He paused again and she looked up.
"I don't know if you want to know the rest."
"I can handle it. I know I've hurt you and I'm so, so sorry about it. I just think that you need to talk about it more often. And I want to know how it happened, what methods you used, everything... Because I want to be there to prevent it from ever happening again."
"Why? We've never been friends, you've never even liked me until you found about my weakness."
His outburst was unexpected and she cowered a bit against his body.
"It is not a weakness. Don't you dare say that again, James Potter." she replied harshly and he looked at her with a mix of irritation and adoration in his eyes.
"It doesn't change anything." he said quietly and she shook her head.
"It changes everything." she said and anger filled his eyes as he tried to get away from her.
"But not in the way you think it does." she said, irritated at him now as she tried to hold him back.
"Then how? How does it change anything?" he snapped and she closed her eyes to find the right words.
"Because it made me realise that I was wrong about who you were! Because it formed you into who you are today! Because it made me skip classes! Because it changes everything to the better!" she exclaimed loudly and he grinned, for the first time in a very long time.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Evans, I was just asking."
"It's Lily, not Evans." she said softly and he smiled again, but softer and then he nodded.
"I... I just don't wan't to hurt you."
"You won't." she assured him and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"At the beginning of fifth year I felt something for you that I had never felt before for anyone. It was strong and it was addictive. I needed to be near you, I needed you to notice me, I needed you to look at me the way I looked at you. And then you know what happened, I asked you out a million times, and you got pissed off at me, which was quite understandable.
"I don't really know why I just didn't quit it when everything was upside down, but I didn't. It was a constant and at that point I couldn't be without familiar routines. I would ask you out, you would say no..." he paused again, closing his eyes, and then when he opened them, he looked everywhere but at her. "But you got personal. You commented on my looks, the way I talked, the way I walked and the way I played Quidditch. I was all wrong... and I just adored you too much to forget it."
He took a shaky breath before continuing.
"I trained harder after that. Quidditch became my life, I wanted to get more muscles and at the same time I wanted to be lighter so that I would fly faster... What I was eating became an obsession. I kept a journal where I wrote everything down, what I had eaten that day, how much weight I had lost and if I was stronger.
"I was sick of myself... I slept with thousands of girls just to get a boost of self confidence, that what I was doing was working. Girls liked me this way. This went on and on until one day suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. I collapsed."
"What was it like?" she asked carefully.
"Collapsing? Awful. I couldn't breathe, I was aching everywhere, my head was pounding and I couldn't even scream for help... Sirius and Remus found me and they took me to madam Pomfrey who sent me to a sort of clinic."
A tear was leaking from his eye and she brushed it away.
"You must think I'm such a girl. It's the second time you've seen me crying in less than a week."
"Didn't I tell you? I like sensitive guys, girly boys are an obsession of mine."
He laughed a dry laugh and she smiled.
"What happened next?"
"I went to the clinic, I spoke to a psychiatrist, I met other people in my position, mostly girls."
"Did it help?"
"I understood that I had a problem and that I had to do something about it if I wanted to survive."
She brushed away his fringe that persisted on falling down and covering his beautiful eyes.
"Are you doing better now? In spite of everything, in spite of me?"
He smiled.
"I'm not half as bad as I was before, I've gained weight, even though I know you don't believe me. Sure you turned my world upside down there for a while, but you've managed to straighten it out quite well."
"What about Sirius, Remus and Peter? Didn't they suspect anything?"
"There's a reason to why we're legends here, Lily, we can be very sneaky. I ate with them all the time, I just went to the bathroom afterwards to throw up. I told them that I was going to the kitchens for a late night snack, and instead I went for a run. I came up with all sorts of lies..."
"Is that why Sirius feels so guilty? Is that why he wants to look after you?"
"I think so, yeah. He's my best mate and we've known each other since forever, you know, he's like a brother. I don't blame him for not finding out sooner or anything, I'm just thankful he dragged me to the hospital wing and then hexed me so that I would go to the clinic. He was there when I needed him and never once backed down. That's what counts for me."
"I wish I was as close with some of my friends as the four of you seem to be."
"It can be a pain too. They know everything about you and by god do they act like overprotective mothers sometimes."
She laughed and he grinned at her.
"You know what?" he said and brushed a strand of hair from her face.
"What?" she smiled.
"I think you may have been right. Because either you're really good at making people feel better, or it helps to talk about it."
"Oh, James, I'm always right." she sighed and he wrinkled his nose as he shook his head.
"Way to ruin a moment, Lily."
The sound of her name from his lips made her heart skip a beat.
"And you just brought it back." she said, and he smiled a wide, genuine smile, taking her breath away.
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She was up, she was dressed, she was showered and most importantly, she was no longer in her room.
Instead, she was on her way to the Gryffindor common room.
After assuring her friends that she was okay and that all that had happened was a bad case of a cold she'd gone looking for him.
She was starting to understand the whole being-addicted-to-people-thing. He was addicting. His smile, his smell, his lips, his hair, his voice... everything.
She was just about to turn down another corridor when the voice she was longing to hear rang down the corridor.
"Why is it such a big deal that I talked to Lily?"
"She's Lily now?"
Remus sounded personally offended. So did Lily, she'd always gotten along well with Remus.
"Yes."
"Look, Prongs, this is Lily Evans, not just some random girl. You were obsessed with her during fifth year, she caused half of your... problems."
"Well, that proves how much you know." James snapped, his voice like ice. "Don't you think I appreciate everything you do for me, Sirius? Remus? Personally I think I'm the luckiest bloke in the world to have such friends who support me this way. But that does not mean that you can run my life for me."
"Look, James, we just want you to get better-"
"She makes me feel better. She makes me open up, she makes me confront things I've been ashamed to talk about. She does not treat me like glass, and she makes me happy. Can't that just be enough for you?"
His statement seemed to hang in the air and Lily took the opportunity to enter.
"James, there you are!" she exclaimed and all three boys turned to look at her.
Sirius face was contorted with anger as he saw her, Remus just fixed her with an icy glare.
But James... His body relaxed and his face softened.
"Lily." he replied and smiled.
"I've been looking for you, everywhere!" she said and approached them
"And why is that?" he said grinning, as she neared him.
"Well," she said and hooked her arm into his "I've been in a mood of breaking rules these past, er, seconds. So I thought to myself, who do I know who breaks rules all the time? And then your face popped into my head."
"Did you just say that you wanted to break rules. As in not follow them?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying. It's my seventh year at this school and I still don't know where the kitchens are... Show it to me?" she pleaded and he smiled.
"Of course, we never know when you might be in the mood again." he said, amused.
"Exactly." she nodded and smiled. "Sirius, Remus." she acknowledged them with a nod and then proceeded in dragging James with her.
"I'll see you two later." he called over his shoulder as they left for the kitchens.
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"I did not say that!" Lily laughed and swatted James across his arm.
"Oh yes you did! You said that you felt sorry for Filch because his nostrils were so big all his magic had been blown out of him!"
"Shut up! I haven't said anything of the sort!" she giggled and he nodded vigorously, trying to catch his breath from laughing so much.
They were sitting in front of the fire in their common room, talking about old times at Hogwarts. What it had been like their first year, what the sorting hat had said, everything.
It was simply... amazing, the way something as simple as talking had brought the old James back. The James that used to laugh, have fun and tease her endlessly.
He was still laughing, and grumpily she hit him over the head.
Immediately he sobered up.
"You know you're going to regret that."
"How?" she challenged and a smirk slid across his face.
"Like this."
As graceful as a cat he lunged himself onto her and started tickling her mercilessly.
"Please, James, stop!" she said in-between laughs and he wrinkled his nose.
"Say you're sorry."
"I'm sorry!" she panted and tried to get his hands off of her.
"Apology accepted." he grinned and stopped.
She was suddenly aware of how close they were, when his delicious body weight was pressing her down into the couch and her gaze slid automatically to his lips.
"Kiss me." she whispered and pulled his head closer to hers.
He was barely a breath away and any movement on his part would make their lips meet.
His eyes bored into hers, searching her eyes for something.
She wasn't entirely sure what it was he was looking for, but he must've found it, because the next second he was pressing his lips against hers.
His lips were softer than she remembered, and his kisses were much more passionate than they had been in the dark of her room.
He ran his tongue along her bottom lip and she moaned, granting him access in doing so.
This time he didn't pull back at her moan but instead deepened the kiss further. He rested his arms at the sides of her and grinded his body into hers, making them both moan in unison.
She shivered and brought her arms around his neck, playing with the hair on his neck, earning a groan from him.
Their kissing became more frenzied and more passionate for every touch, every stroke, every second that passed.
He let one of his hands travel down her side and then play with the hem of her shirt before slipping it under.
She gasped at the new sensation as he traced small circles on her bare skin.
Without a warning he pulled away.
"Lily, you know that I want you... By Merlin, I want you..." his voice was a strained whisper, deliciously hoarse in her ear. "But you know I can't... Not now anyway... And I don't think that I could have you for one night and then never have you again in my life. It's not fair to you or me."
"James?" she said, forcing him to look her in the eyes. "When can you start seeing girls again?"
"In about four months." he said, his voice painful.
"I'll wait for you," she whispered "I'll wait four months until you're healthy again."
"I can't ask you to do that for me..." he whispered and closed his eyes as he pressed a kiss onto her neck.
"You don't have to. I don't want anyone else. I want you, and you alone."
"You're so beautiful... did you know that?" he whispered against her skin.
"Whenever I'm around you, I feel like it." she said and then whimpered slightly as his stubble grazed her neck.
"I'll count the days." he said against her mouth.
"I'll count the hours." she replied and he smiled.
"I'll come up with babies names."
"I'll run away."
"I'll chase you."
"I'll fall."
"I'll be there to catch you."
"Oh, James," she laughed and kissed him lightly "you already have..."
A/N: I know, I don't even think it's half as good as the first one. But this was all I could come up with. Anyway, tell me what you think or I might, er, not do anything. Except kill you. And that's always a bummer.
