"Please, Carson!"

"Jennifer, I have enough of my own patients tae see without seeing one of yours."

"Last week he came in with a splinter and claimed he was dying. He's probably a really nice guy, but as a patient he's just so annoying. I'll take Mr Wraith off your hands."

At this, Carson finally gave her his full attention. Todd Wraith was an unpleasant man at the best of times, born with a terrible genetic condition that affected his appearance. "You really are desperate tae be rid of him, aren't you?"

"Yes. He takes hypochondria to a whole new level and, to be honest, he makes me feel uncomfortable. I think he's trying to flirt, but he just comes across as a sexist sleaze."

Carson relented. "Fine. But in the future, if you start with the fact he makes you feel uncomfortable, you won't have tae resort tae begging."

"Thank you, Carson."

His eyes widened as she handed him a very large file. "Hypochondriac, you say?"

"The worst I've ever seen."

Guid Lord...

. * * * .

"Meredith McKay to Room 4. Meredith McKay to Room 4. Dr Beckett will see you now."

Carson could hear the PA from his room, and quickly scanned through the most recent entries in Mr McKay's file.

"Where's Dr Keller?" his patient asked as soon as he walked in. "I usually see her."

"I'm afraid I've had tae take over some of Dr Keller's patients," he lied smoothly. "I hope that's alright?"

"Yes, yes. You are familiar with my history, aren't you?"

"You're most recent history, aye."

"I'm deathly allergic to citrus."

Carson blinked twice. "I'll bear that in mind, Mr McKay."

"Doctor."

"Yes?"

"You called me 'Mr'. It's Dr McKay."

"I'm sorry. Medicine?"

"Real science. I'm an astrophysicist."

Jennifer hadnae been lying when she called him annoying. "Well, Dr McKay, medicine is a 'real' science, and you'd dae well tae remember that as long as you're under my care."

Dr McKay swallowed. "So, ah, no comments about voodoo, then?"

Carson narrowed his eyes. "Certainly not. Now, Dr McKay - or can I call you Meredith?"

"Certainly not," Dr McKay echoed back at him. "But you can call me Rodney. It's my middle name, and I prefer to go by that."

"Rodney, then. What brings you tae my wee clinic today?"

"Well, I was... I guess you could say having sex with this guy..."

"Unprotected?"

"Ah, no, not really, no."

"Either it was or it wasn't," Carson said.

Rodney looked uncomfortable. "It was... we didn't touch each other."

"But there was another man involved, yes?"

Rodney looked affronted. "Of course there was!"

Carson held his hands up in a peaceful gesture. "Alright. I just want tae make sure I have the full picture."

"Well, anyway, he noticed this lump, and..."

Rodney gestured at his crotch and Carson's mouth went dry.

"He said he was a doctor and that I should get it checked out, and I just know I've got cancer but—"

"Rod?!"

His patient froze and stared at him wide-eyed. "You're... You're not... But you're Scottish!"

"Aye." Carson cleared his throat and put on an American accent. "Most of the time."

"Oh, God," Rodney said weakly. "You... You're... Scott."

"Aye."

"You're Scott. Scottish. Scott is because... You're Scottish."

"Aye. It's Carson, normally."

"Oh, God."

"Would it make you more comfortable if I asked another doctor tae take a look at you?"

Rodney let out a hysterical laugh. "You've already seen me! Why should it matter if you see me again?"

"Well, then, Rod - Rodney," he corrected himself, "if you'd just like to get undressed behind the curtain and I'll be with you in a minute."

"I bet you're wondering how many aliases I have," Rodney said as he got undressed.

"Not really, no."

"I haven't gone by Meredith since I was eight years old and got beaten up at school for being gay. I denied it at the time, of course. Turned out they were right."

"That's terrible. I'm sorry you had tae go through that."

"It only got worse when I did come out, but I've since learned it's better to keep my mouth shut and flirt with women to fit in. I might have hit on Dr Keller a bit too heavily sometimes. But you never know how people will react, do you?"

"Aye, you do have to be careful," Carson agreed. "But Dr Keller's very open-minded."

"Anyway, I go by Rodney because it's my middle name but, ah, the other night... I wasn't expecting you to ask me for a name. I thought 'Rod' sounded cooler."

"I think you're more suited to Rodney than Rod, if you don't mind me saying," he said, pulling back the curtain when the sound of rustling clothing had stopped. "It was the left testicle, wasn't it?"

"Uh, yeah. I wasn't expecting you to remember."

"I'm a doctor. Just because I wasn't your doctor the other day, doesn't mean I wasn't concerned." With a gloved hand he carefully poked at the lump. "Does that hurt?"

"No. It's cancer, isn't it?"

"I don't know yet. As I said on on the website, there are other things it could be."

"Yeah? Name one of them."

"A cyst."

Rodney pressed his lips together as Carson continued his examination. "You know, when I imagined your hands on me, this wasn't quite what I had in mind."

Carson chuckled. "I know what you mean. Alright, I'm going to close the curtains, turn off the lights, and perform a transillumination test."

"What's that?"

"If you'd let me finish explaining, I'd tell you."

"Sorry. I did tell you I was annoying, didn't I?"

"You did. Now, a transillumination test is where I shine a light through your testicle to see what's going on inside."

"You can do that?!"

"Aye. Now lie back, please."

A moment later the room was in darkness, save for the small light beside Rodney's testicle.

"You now I'm not normally into medical roleplay," Rodney rambled as cock started to take an interest in proceedings.

"It's a totally normal reaction, Rodney. Don't worry about it."

"Oh, so it's normal for you to talk a man through his masturbation and then poke at the genitals in a professional capacity, is it? Because I don't know about you, but that's what I'm thinking about!"

"That's what I was trying not to think about." Carson turned the lights on again.

"Well? Am I dying?"

"No. You have what we call a spermatocele, which is where sperm pools in the epididymis. Now, we have no idea what causes it, but it is perfectly treatable."

"Is that cancerous? Because I'm losing enough of my hair without having chemo—"

"Rodney, you do not have cancer," he told his patient firmly. Opening a drawer he pulled out a sealed packet, which he opened to reveal a syringe. "I'm going tae drain some of the fluid out, and prescribe you some antibiotics. You should be absolutely fine."

"You mean you're going to poke that needle in me... in my..."

"Yes."

Rodney whined unhappily as Carson eased the needle into the build-up of fluid gathered in his testicle. "You know, I think I'll add some medical info to the site. It'd be good if people had a reminder to check themselves when their hands are already in the area. Though I suppose it would be a bit of a turn-off... 'Cancer is not your masturmate!'"

Carson snorted, trying to hold his hands steady until his laughter ebbed. "You might want tae hold off on the jokes while I have a needle in your testicle."

"Yes. Right. Good idea."

Then Rodney's words sank in. "Wait, you'd add it to the site?"

"Yes."

"I thought you were an astrophysicist?"

"I am. But computer programming and website building are hobbies of mine, and I decided to put my skills to good use."

"So you—"

"Created and run Masturmate, yeah."

"And I asked you what kind of a person comes up with such a concept," Carson recalled with embarrassment.

"You thought I'd memorised the advertising."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I am a very busy, very lonely man, who is very bad with people."

"I might have found you a little annoying when you came in today, but you're not that bad."

"You're the only one who thinks so, then. Oh, are you done?" he asked as Carson held the needle up.

"Aye."

Rodney pulled a disgusted face when he saw the whitish, cloudy fluid the syringe contained. "That was inside me?!"

"Aye."

"So I'm not going to die?"

"Not from this, anyway."

"Good. So, uh, what are the chances you'll be back on Masturmate?"

Carson raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Ah, for customer research purposes, of course."

"I cancelled my free trial."

"Oh. Can I ask why?"

"I only tried it because I was curious. I shouldn't have even seen the ad anyway, if my adblocker was doing it's job."

Rodney smirked, and pulled his shirt wider open to reveal the t-shirt underneath that read, 'I'm with genius' - an arrow above pointing to himself. "Adblockers are surprisingly easy to get around."

Carson let out an exasperated chuckle. "Well, it was certainly an enjoyable experience - though that was more tae do with the person than the platform, So, when I was told I was statistically unlikely tae match with him again... I saw little point in paying for the service."

Rodney bolted upright and snapped his fingers several times, pointing at Carson as inspiration hit. "What if you could friend users, and keep a list of Masturmates you'd like to masturbate with again? Oh, I need to get home and start working on this..."

"You might want to put your pants back on, first."

"Right. Yes, yes..." Rodney grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed. "But this could be really good. Sort of like a social media aspect. I said it wasn't a dating site, but maybe it could be. Unofficially, of course..." He froze, one leg in and one leg out of his jeans. "Wait, you wanted to match with me again?"

Carson smiled, a faint flush colouring his cheeks. "Aye."

"Huh." He resumed dressing. "I guess you really didn't find me annoying after all."

"No."

"So, ah, what if I asked if you wanted to go for a drink?"

"I'd have tae decline."

Rodney's face fell. "Oh."

"I am your doctor, after all. But, if you promise tae stop flirting with Dr Keller, I might be able tae persuade her tae take you back as a patient."

"Deal. So what time do you finish tonight?"

Thinking about the man's earlier enthusiasm for Masturmate, Carson asked, "Why do I have the feeling you're going tae be very busy tonight?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes! The site! Tomorrow, then?"

"Aye. Tomorrow. Leave me your number so I can get in touch with you."

"Can't you just take it out of my file?"

"That would be unethical."

"Even if you had my permission?"

"Aye."

"Oh, fine," he said, pulling out a business card. "Give me a pen." Rodney's fingers snapped again when Carson wasn't quick enough to put a pen in his hand. A few scribbles later, he exchanged a business card with his personal number scrawled across the top for his prescription. "Right, there you go. So, tomorrow, then?"

"Providing you're no longer my patient by then, aye."

"So it would be unethical for me to kiss you right now, then? Just in case you are?"

Carson chuckled. "It would be unethical for me to kiss you."

"Right." Rodney lowered his head and pressed a chaste, lingering kiss to Carson's mouth. "Hopefully I get to use my mouth on other parts of you..." His eyes raked down Carson's body, stopping at the slight tent in his pants. "...tomorrow."

Carson watched him leave, a dazed expression on his face. "Tomorrow," he echoed.