xOxOxOx
TOO MUCH, TOO SOON
xOxOxOx
Chapter 2: What Now
"Pregnant. Three months along."
"No, no… that… I can't be, you must have it wrong."
"You're telling me you haven't had sex Mr Potter?"
"Um... well no, I did, but… shit this can't be happening."
"This obviously wasn't a planned pregnancy. I know it's a shock and you'll need time to get used to the ide-"
"I don't plan on getting used to it. I want an abortion."
"Er, Mr Potter, abortion is illegal in the wizarding world."
"Fuck! What am I going to do then?" Harry sobbed.
"Like I said, it's a shock. Give yourself time for it to sink in. If you want, you can see one of our counsellors to help you decide the best course of action."
"But I don't want a baby!" Harry cried.
"If you decide parenthood isn't for you, there's always adoption Mr Potter. I could give you all the relevant literature for you to read through. Now, would you want to see a counsellor?"
"No, I just need some time to myself first," Harry said quietly.
"Ok, just come and see us if you change your mind. Male pregnancies aren't much different from female pregnancies so there's nothing you really need to be particularly worried about. You'll already three months so you'll receive an Owl shortly with your first scan appointment and you will have regular appointments with a mediwitch thereafter. If you need to talk to anyone or experience any pain you're not comfortable with, come and see us immediately. I hope you take care of yourself as well, no alcohol or drugs should be taken during your pregnancy, no strenuous exercise and I'm afraid to tell you no quidditch or flying a broom."
"Right," Harry said dejectedly.
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How could he have been so stupid? Why did he have to drink so much at the Graduation Ball? Why did he go looking for Snape? One night and now he was pregnant. Eighteen years old, single and pregnant by the man he had lusted after for two years. He imagined going to Hogwarts and telling Snape, getting a sneer in response and told that it was his problem and to fuck off.
Harry was standing outside the house he shared with Sirius and Remus. It had been almost five hours since he left to go to St Mungos, he had been absently roaming the streets, trying to make sense of it all. Thinking about what he should do. And he had decided. The logical solution came to him like a bolt of lightning.
"Hi Harry," Sirius smiled as he walked into the kitchen. Sirius was sitting at the table reading the Daily Prophet.
"Hi," Harry replied and seated himself beside him. "Sirius I need to talk to you."
"Ok," Sirius said, putting the paper down.
"I'm... Oh God..."
"Harry what is it?"
"Sirius, I'm pregnant."
"Harry that... that's wonderful. I didn't even know you were seeing anyone."
"I'm not; I had a one night stand three months ago."
"You had unprotected sex with a stranger?" Sirius raged.
"Give it a rest with the lecture Sirius. Ok, I shouldn't have done it, but I was very drunk and the guy wasn't a stranger, he… was at Hogwarts."
"Sorry, I just worry about you… promise me you'll be careful in future?"
"I promise."
"Have you told him about the baby?" Sirius asked.
"No and I don't intend to. I want you and Remus to have my child."
"What?"
"I don't want a baby. It was a mistake, I'm only eighteen."
"Lots of people get pregnant accidentally and go on to be brilliant parents Harry."
"I don't care, it's not for me and nobody is going to change my mind. I want a career in quidditch, I want to meet a man and fall in love. I don't want nappies and sleepless nights, standing back whilst all my friends are living their lives."
"You might change your mind Harry. Give it time."
"I won't change my mind Sirius."
"Well, I couldn't take your child, it wouldn't be right."
"I don't want it. I'll give it up for adoption if I have to, but you and Remus have been trying for a baby for years, you two deserve to have a family."
"Still, I don't think I could just take-"
"Sirius, please! I'm begging you!" Harry pleaded and tears started streaming down his face.
"Hey," Sirius said soothingly, taking Harry in his arms and stroking his hair. Harry rested his head against Sirius' chest and for the first time since he found out he was pregnant, he felt better, as though things weren't as bad as he thought they were. "Everything is going to be ok Harry. I know you're all over the place at the moment, but you'll be fine. It's not the end of the world. I'm here for you ok?"
"I… I… just want…" Harry started saying between sobs before Sirius gently told him to "shhh," and rocked him backwards and forwards.
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Sirius was pacing his lounge. Remus was due back at any moment. He was tempted to send him an Owl to explain the situation, but knew this was something they had to discuss face to face. His head was all over the place. He felt so sorry for Harry; he'd had his world turned upside down and was like a frightened little boy. For the first time, Sirius felt needed as a parent. They'd always been more like friends than a guardian type relationship. Sirius heard the door open and looked up to see Remus appear in the doorway of the lounge.
"Hiya," Remus greeted Sirius, walking towards him. He went to give Sirius a hug but was stopped by a shaking head.
"What's the matter?"
"Harry's pregnant."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Deadly serious. His three months along, the result of a one night stand he says. He found out when he went for that medical."
"Blimey. Is he ok?"
"Not really. It's been a huge shock; he was exhausted after he told me. I've made him go to bed for a while."
"Wow. That's not something you expect to be lumbered with at eighteen."
"Remus he… wants us to have his child. To be the parents."
Remus was silent for a few moments letting the words sink in. Had he heard correctly? Harry wanted to give up his child? Surely they… couldn't… could they? He sat himself down on the sofa and Sirius joined him.
"Sirius… we couldn't."
"That's what I said. He's adamant that he will have it adopted if we don't agree to take it."
"But he's only just found out. He needs time to let the news sink in. He's got to go through six more months of pregnancy, have scans, feel the baby moving, give birth, see the baby for the first time… he could change his mind at any time. Now it seems as though it isn't real, but-"
"I've said all this to him," Sirius cut in.
"When he wakes up we'll have to talk to him, make him see sense. Tell him to wait until the baby is born to make a decision."
"If he did that and still wanted us to have the baby, would… would you want us to?" Sirius asked hopefully.
"Er, yeah… of course," Remus replied. "I want to raise a family with you more than anything else in the whole world."
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Harry managed to get about an hours sleep. For a split second when he woke up everything seemed normal, but then it hit him: he was pregnant. He groaned and put his head in his hands. He wished he could get his hands on a time turner and make everything as it was before that fucking Graduation Ball.
Slowly getting to his feet, Harry could hear voices drifting up from downstairs and knew Remus must be home from Hogwarts. He didn't bother trying to guess what they were talking about. As soon as he opened his bedroom door, the voices died down.
"Harry are you up?" Sirius' voice travelled up the stairs.
"Yeah," he called back. "I'll be down in a minute."
Several minutes later Harry entered the lounge and smiled weakly at Sirius and Remus sitting on the sofa together. Declining Sirius' offer of tea, Harry sat in the comfy arm chair and waited for the lecture to begin, which it did.
"Harry, Remus and I both feel that you should wait until the baby is born before deciding for definite what you would like to do. If you did still want us to raise your child, then we can discuss it if and when it comes up."
"No," Harry replied quietly.
"What do you mean no?" Remus asked. "I thought you wanted Sirius and me to-"
"I don't mean about that. I mean about waiting. I'm sorry, but I'm not prepared to wait until this thing is out of me. I've made up my mind and I don't need anymore fucking time to "think it over" ok."
"We think it's better for everyone like this," Sirius told Harry, smiling at him. "This way if you did decide to keep the baby you don't have to feel pressurised and Remus and I won't have any expectations about being possible parents."
"I've looked at the adoption leaflets. I'm not going to wait until after the birth for you guys to be satisfied with my decision. I'll have no control over the adoption if I wait until it's born. If I start the adoption process now I get to choose the people my baby goes home with."
Sirius and Remus looked at each other and then back at Harry. Silence followed whilst Sirius and Remus mulled over what Harry had just said. It was clear to them that his stubborn nature was not going to be persuaded otherwise. He wasn't going to change his mind and they would have to play along.
"Ok," Sirius finally replied. "We'll be the parents to your child."
"Thank you," Harry said, tears welling up in his eyes.
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"So when will you start showing?" Fred asked Harry as he and George stared at his flat stomach.
"Any day now," Harry replied. "I've just gone past three months."
Harry was at work. He'd asked Fred and George if he could work in their joke shop for a few months and they had immediately said yes. Harry was extremely grateful and was nervous when he explained about the pregnancy, but Fred and George had been great. They thought it was fascinating and were looking forward to watching Harry's stomach grow.
It had now been a week since he found out he was pregnant. He was getting used to the idea now and it was a huge relief to him that Sirius and Remus had agreed to take the child from him once it was born. It gave him something to look forward to, a light at the end of the tunnel. He couldn't wait to be back to normal and accepted into a quidditch team. Then he could start living his life properly.
Harder than telling Fred and George, had been telling Ron and Hermione. Harry had to explain what happened at the Graduation Ball with Snape. They were both really shocked and he was sure he heard Hermione mutter something about "teacher student relations." But again, they had been great and were really supportive, even though they couldn't understand why he was giving the baby up; they didn't pressure him into changing his mind.
If Harry was honest, he was a little jealous of Ron and Hermione. Towards the end of their three month travelling trip the two of them admitted their feelings to each other and were now a couple. They were so loved up and Harry didn't feel right asking if they wanted to hang out, thinking they'd probably prefer to be "alone."
"Harry, why don't you go on your lunch break?" George suggested, looking at the huge clock on the wall. It was almost one o'clock.
"Ok, thanks," Harry replied, setting off out of the shop and onto Diagon Alley.
It was a Saturday in the middle of September and the weather was still really warm. Harry enjoyed the feel of the sun on his face for a few moments before walking down the cobbled street, but something made him freeze on the spot. Up ahead he could see Snape, carrying a shopping bag and headed straight in his direction.
As soon as he had clapped eyes on Snape, all the old feelings rushed back. He'd thought once he was away from Hogwarts he'd get over it. That he'd start fancying other men. But no, Snape did things to him he couldn't explain. He was half contemplating ducking into a shop to hide but too late, Snape had spotted him and was walking over.
"Hi," Harry said, trying to sound cheerful.
"Good afternoon Mr Potter. I must say Hogwarts has been quite uneventful without your presence." Harry laughed. "Would you… like to join me for a drink? I was on my way to the Leaky Cauldron."
"Oh, sure," Harry replied before he could stop himself.
They walked in silence together to the Leaky Cauldron, ordered their drinks and sat down. Harry didn't know what to say and he could feel his heart hammering. Snape was wearing muggle clothing and he looked so good out of those black robes he favoured so much.
"I just want to take this opportunity to apologise… for what happened. I acted extremely unprofessionally and took advantage of your intoxicated state. I am truly sorry for that."
"It's ok, really," Harry managed to get out. Snape was not only apologising to him, he was being nice, what was going on? "It was more my fault than yours and I knew exactly what I was doing."
"I heard you were trying out for quidditch teams," Snape said, changing the subject to something more light-hearted.
"I was going to, but I've decided to take it easy for a year. I'm working in Fred and George's joke shop."
Snape stared at him for longer than was perhaps necessary and Harry wasn't entirely sure that he was even listening to what he had just said.
Snape didn't know what it was, but Potter looked… beautiful was the word that came to mind. He looked radiant. Mature. When they had sex it was really just that, sex. But seeing Potter, no Harry, as an adult in the adult world gave him a whole new perspective. He was interested, very interested. The question was, would Harry ever be? There was only one way to find out. What was there to lose? A dent in his pride for a few days?
"You said… when we, that you'd been interested in me for a while. Was that true?"
"Yes," Harry said quietly. He could feel his cheeks going red and hated himself for feeling embarrassed. After all they'd had sex with each other, albeit a very drunken encounter.
"I see. Would you like to accompany me to dinner one evening?"
Harry felt like crying, or laughing. He didn't know which. The man he wanted, the only man he wanted, was sitting in front of him and asking him out on a date. And here he was carrying his child, a result from their one night stand three months earlier. It was completely laughable. If only Snape knew the situation, he wouldn't be so interested then. Harry wanted to say yes so badly, but he couldn't. It was impossible.
Only a week ago and he would have given anything to start a relationship with Snape. To get to know him properly, to go out together, to make love over and over.
"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm kind of seeing someone."
"Understood," Snape replied, sounding a little disappointed. He drained the rest of his drink and stood up. "It was a pleasant surprise seeing you again. Goodbye."
"Bye," Harry said, as Snape went to the door and disappeared from sight.
Harry could feel the tears threatening to flow. He felt like hitting something. Really hard. He never thought he could hate something so much, especially something that didn't even exist yet. Why couldn't life be simple?
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- (This chapter was first posted on April 18th 2007)
- (This story was first completed on January 6th 2008)
- (This chapter was edited and re-posted on October 15th 2010)
