"Harry? What are you doing here?"

Standing in the doorway, in her arms a parcel just like Harry's, was Hermione Granger.

"Hermione! Why are you...what...who…" Harry was at a loss for words, both from seeing the girl he had just been explicitly dreaming about and from realizing why she was here. He was paired up with his best friend!

"I met with Mr. Diyader, and he told me I had obtained the highest rank of the girls. Frankly, I was a quite surprised about that, but I'm not going to complain. He also gave me this parcel and some directions that led me here. Why are you in my quarters?" Clearly Diyader hadn't managed to inform Hermione of her pairing, as he had almost done with Harry.

"Well…" Harry searched his mind, trying to find a way to break the news. "It seems the, uh, people in charge decided that...well...they kind of paired us together!" The last part came out a bit rushed. Harry had hoped that maybe the less time he took to say it, the less awkward it would be. He was quite wrong.

"Paired us for what?" Hermione stared at Harry questioningly, not making the connection.

"You know," Harry sighed, squirming uncomfortably, "the law thing. For...doing...stuff"

"Law thing?" Hermione's eyebrows met as she started thinking. "Are you talking about the...oh...you mean we're…"

"Yeah. That." As Hermione figured out what kind of pairing Harry was referring to, Harry could see a slight blush come to her face. He could feel his face growing red too, as both of them contemplated the future. They awkwardly waited for about five minutes (though to Harry it felt like an eternity), not sure what to say or do.

"Well," Hermione remarked, breaking the awkward silence, "at least I'm not paired up with someone like Malfoy."

"One of you would be dead within twenty-four hours!" Harry chuckled.

"I mean, honestly, what would I do if that happened? He hates me as much as I hate him!"

"Maybe, after spending time with one another, you both would come to respect the other, later forming a deep bond of unbreakable love and breath-taking romance." Hermione turned to see Harry grinning innocently at her.

"And maybe Ron will realize how badly the Chudley Cannons suck" Hermione shot back, annoyed.. "Let's just drop the subject of Malfoy altogether." She shuddered, clearly disgusted with the thought of Malfoy and her paired up.

"Have you seen how nice our quarters are?" Hermione remarked, intentionally changing the subject. She started walking around the room. After making sure that his personal basilisk was safely hidden, Harry stood up to look around again too.

"Yeah, they're pretty nice."

"Must be to keep us happy. We are, after all, their most important people." Hermione smiled. "What else did they give us?" she asked, gesturing to the parcels.

"I don't know" replied Harry. "I just looked around a bit before taking a nap."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Honestly, do you want to become Ron?"

"Come on. I'm not that bad yet!"

"Not if I can help it!" Hermione walked over to one of the desks opened her parcel, carefully taking out items and sorting them into neat little piles. Harry decided to open his, too, by opening it up and dumping the contents onto his desk. Inside, he found quite a few interesting things.

The first thing Harry inspected was a magical map, similar to the Marauder's Map. This one wasn't quite as detailed-it didn't show where every single person was-but it did show plenty of secret passageways, rooms, and cupboards. There were some that Harry was pretty sure didn't even show up on the Marauder's Map. This map seemed to more for finding private places for some fun time instead of general mischief like the Marauder's Map. Harry couldn't help but notice that a few of the more obviously-placed rooms had an "occupied" symbol. Best not to think about who was in there.

Next, Harry found some keys similar to the one he had used to enter his and Hermione's quarters. Those supposedly opened hidden stashes placed within the castle. Harry wasn't quite sure he dared find out what these stashes consisted of.

The rest of the stuff looked like legal papers and other complicated forms. Harry didn't feel like reading all of those at the moment. They were probably just copies of the law, plus legal forms for his and Hermione's emancipation and marriage. On top, however, appeared to be his suggested schedule. It looked like he'd still be going to most of his usual classes. There were a couple new ones on the list, but they weren't starting up for a while. Hogwarts probably still needed to get the teachers for them.

"Harry, have you seen the schedules?" Hermione had just seen the new classes, and began wondering aloud what they would be like. "I'm sure they'll be quite interesting, though I do wish they'd be a bit more specific in their descriptions. A few aren't even named! They're just labeled as a generic class." She continued to muse and rant for a while, with Harry just sitting back and listening to the show. After she had finished, the two noticed that they had nearly the exact same schedule. There were a couple of courses they had different, but for the most part everything was the same.

By the time they had compared notes on the things they had received, it was just about time for dinner. They were almost out the door when Harry remembered something.

"Hermione, how are we going to get back in? The portrait took my key when I first came here."

She gave him a Did-You-Really-Just-Ask-That? look. "Harry, that key that you got is just to identify you as someone allowed to enter. You don't need it to get in. The portrait recognizes you now, so all you have to do is walk up to it and tell it to open. We got a set of instructions with our stuff on using it and setting a password. Did you even read those papers you received? You got even more than I did."

Harry shook his head. "I figured they were all just legal stuff. Besides, that's what I've got you for." Hermione just rolled her eyes as they went down the stairs and through the portrait.


Dinner was rather uneventful considering all that had happened recently. Harry and Hermione still ate with their fellow Gryffindors, talking about usual beginning-of-the-year topics like activities over the holidays, new classes, and the like.

It seemed that, for now, student rankings and pairings were to remain anonymous. Harry and Hermione had agreed, before coming down for dinner, to keep their pairing a secret for the time being. Neither wanted to have to answer awkward questions or sit through weird conversations. Besides, they already spent so much time together that no one would suspect anything out of the ordinary.

Other paired students appeared to have had similar thoughts. Harry tried to keep alert for mentions of other pairings and rankings, but no one seemed interested in talking about them. He knew from his map that some students were already getting down to business, but it seemed that, in public at least, they still wanted to be normal. Though when he thought about it, students playing "holster the wand" weren't too uncommon really. It was just the circumstances that had changed.

One of the biggest topics of the night was who was going to replace Snape. A lot of people, students and parents alike, had been both surprised and angry about the fact that Dumbledore had hired a Marked Death Eater. People might have been able to understand him hiring the Moody duplicate, since that scheme was well thought out, but Snape hadn't even been a likable teacher. He'd gotten threats and lawsuits even before people learned about his past. Now that he was gone, though, there was nothing anybody could do but wait and hope the replacement was better.

After a relaxing dinner and getting back in touch with friends, Harry and Hermione went back up to their quarters. However, things got awkward again when they realized it would soon be time to go to bed.

"Harry, you don't need to sleep on the couch. The bed is plenty big enough for the two of us!" Hermione sighed, exasperated by Harry's nobility.

"It doesn't matter how big it is," Harry said. "I don't want to impose or do anything I'll regret."

"Harry, I trust you not to do anything like that."

"And I don't want to break that trust. What if turn in the middle of the night? What if I start sleepwalking or doing other...things...in my sleep?"

"Harry, no matter how we act toward each other, even if we never venture further than best friends, except to fill certain quotas," both felt their faces grow warm, "from now on we're legally married. You can't just sleep on the couch or in some other place for the rest of your life!"

In the end, Hermione's logic won out. Harry also had to admit that the couch didn't look near as comfortable as the bed. They both agreed to wear the modest pajamas that they owned. Harry got the bathroom first, and after he was done he went to bed as Hermione took her turn in the shower.

When Hermione stepped out of the bathroom, Harry tried not to stare. She wasn't wearing anything revealing on; she was wearing simply a large grey t-shirt and some red and gold flannel pants. The trouble was, Harry didn't often see Hermione in anything but her robes, which were far too loose and flowing to show off her curves. In the dim light, however, he could see the nice curve of her ass, her hips, and her breasts. Her brown, curly hair was still wet from her shower and left damp spots on her shirt, though not in any interesting places.

"Shit," Harry thought to himself as he felt a familiar growth in his pants. He tried to inconspicuously turn so that his hardness wouldn't be noticed by Hermione. Unaware of Harry's predicament, Hermione walked over to her side of the bed and turned out the light, moving around a little bit before settling comfortably.

"Good night, Harry," Hermione whispered.

"Night."

"Sweet dreams."

"Oh please don't let them be too sweet," Harry silently pleaded. "I don't want to have clean the sheets in the middle of the night."


Thankfully, both Harry and Harry Junior slept peacefully and, for the most part, uneventfully. Harry Junior, like most other mornings, was standing at attention when Harry awoke, but Harry was still facing away from Hermione and he had woken up relatively early so all was fine. He solved the problem by taking a nice, cold shower.

When Harry returned, Hermione was up as well. He apologized for waking her up, but Hermione said she normally woke up at that time anyway. If she suspected anything from Harry's early, steam-lacking shower, she didn't mention it.

After they had both gotten dressed, there was still a decent amount of time left before breakfast. Not wanting sit and wait in the room, the two decided to explore a little bit. Hermione was interested in seeing the locations the maps mentioned and the stashes the keys were for. Harry was a bit nervous about what they might find, but he too was a bit intrigued.

They decided to start with one of the stashes, which was located near the Transfiguration classroom. On the way, Hermione wondered aloud what they might find. Perhaps a place for dueling, or maybe some sort of potion ingredients treasure trove. Harry wasn't sure what to expect either, but based on who he had gotten the locations and keys from, things might not be quite what Hermione was expecting..

Finally, the two arrived at their destination: a large painting depicting a nest of baby birds. Harry and Hermione each held out a key, and at once two baby birds snatched up their keys. The portrait opened up, revealing a small hallway.

Harry and Hermione entered, following the hallway until they came to an old, wooden door. With a bit of coaxing, they were able to push the door open together. Hermione cast a quick "Lumos," and both stared in amazement at what they saw. Then Hermione squealed with delight.

In front of them stood about ten shelves of books. Some looked like they had to be hundreds of years old, while others looked like they could have been purchased from Flourish and Blotts less than an hour ago. Hermione scampered off, beginning to skim titles. However, as her eyes traveled across the titles, she began to frown. She also looked to be blushing a bit, though with the odd lighting of the room it was hard to tell.

Figuring he should look at the books himself, Harry went over to a newer-looking shelf and began reading book titles. He soon understood Hermione's odd reaction. Browsing through the books, Harry found some very odd and questionable book titles: A Nymph takes some Hard Wood, The Mermaid and the Semen, and Sir Ramsalot and the Seven Maidens.

"You know, Harry," Hermione ventured, "what do you say we move on?"

"Best idea you've had all day," Harry agreed. "Maybe we can check out of those secret passageways. We've still got a bit of time, and there's one on the way."

Hermione nodded and briskly made her way toward the exit. Harry followed close behind. On his way out, though, he caught a glimpse of a book near the door. It was called The Real Wizard's Duel: A Guide To Polishing Each Other's Wands. Harry couldn't help but chuckle. He'd already found an anonymous Christmas present for Malfoy. Or maybe Ron. He'd love to see their expressions when they opened it up. Hopefully, in Draco's case, Pansy would be there with him. Maniacally laughing to himself, Harry rushed to catch up with Hermione.

"I can't believe someone would store all those books in there," Hermione wondered aloud. "What's the point? Mr. Diyader gave us those maps and keys. Do you think he expects us to, you know, just sit in there and read? I mean normally I'd be fine with that, but those books just…"

"I think they're just trying to keep us happy, but they don't know how," Harry guessed. "They probably don't know what we'd like, so they're just giving us a...er...wide range of things to do."

"Where's the secret passageway?" Hermione asked.

"Should be just around the corner, through a false wall in the broom closet," Harry replied. "Supposedly it leads a secret room with a one-way mirror into one of the classrooms."

"I wonder what the point of that would be," wondered Hermione.

As Harry and Hermione neared their destination, however, they heard something out of the ordinary.

"Yes, Frank! Right there! Yes! Keep going! Oh my god! Don't stop I'm so, so close!

"That's it, bitch. Keep it up. You like that, don't you! Yeah? You want me to fucking knock you up! Is that right?

"Yes...just don't...keep…please...so…almost...YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!"

"FUUUCCCK!"

Harry and Hermione were too shocked to move. Harry recognized the voice of one of the Ravenclaw Seventh Year guys. Some of the students were definitely enjoying these new laws. Not daring to look Hermione in the eye, his face burning with embarrassment, Harry quickly stammered, "I need t-to use the ba-ba-bathroom. Don't wait up!" Without looking back at Hermione he raced away, desperate to relieve himself.


After that, Harry and Hermione stayed clear of any passageways or stashes recommended by Diyader. In fact, they tried to avoid most broom closets and other small rooms altogether. As the days went by, students seemed less and less reserved, and now it wasn't uncommon to hear students screaming in the distance.

More than ever, Harry and Hermione tried to stay within their group of Gryffindor Fifth Years. Ron didn't seem to even mention anything, though whenever he heard students talking about rankings or pairings his mood turned a little sour. Harry got the feeling that Ron didn't quite agree with how the Ministry had ranked him.

Neville, on the other hand, seemed more confident than ever this year. He was starting to do better in a lot of his classes, especially Potions. That might have had something to do with the new Potions Master, Horace Slughorn. Without his worst fear, Snape, watching over his back, Neville was able to correctly brew every assigned Potion. He'd set a new personal record of zero explosions in the first week of school. Harry wasn't sure if Neville had been ranked highly or was just growing up, but he did notice that Neville and his Herbology partner, a Hufflepuff named Hannah Abbot, seemed to be on very friendly terms.

Since there hadn't been any Quidditch the last year, everyone was determined to make up for the loss of time. Angelina Johnson had already started training, and Harry had workouts and practice in the evenings. Even though Harry was still in decent shape, thanks to lots of flying during the summer, he still found the workouts quite tiring. Oliver Wood was gone, but it seemed his drive for total Quidditch obsession was still lingering around.

Things with Hermione were hard to describe. Both Harry and Hermione, by unspoken agreement, had decided to never mention what the heard inside the broom closet. Things were awkward enough between them, especially with the recent heat wave. Normally the castle didn't get too hot, and Harry wondered if Diyader and his assistants were trying to affect the clothing of witches. In the case of Hermione, much to Harry Junior's delight, it was working.

"It's not like it's a big deal or anything, Harry" she had explained to him a few nights ago. "We'll be underneath the sheets anyway, so it won't be any different. We can even turn the lights out before slipping into bed. I just can't keep wearing these hot pants to bed. If I do, I won't be able to sleep at all!"

After that, Hermione and Harry stopped wearing pants to bed. Just the thought of Hermione in bed with only her knickers covering her lower regions, showing off her ass and legs even more, made Harry's basilisk more active than ever.

Harry tried many methods: reminding himself she was his best friend, thinking about what she would say if she knew, and even trying to pretend that it was Ron on the other side of the bed. Nothing worked. Harry Junior, now restricted only by Harry's boxers, pitched his tent and demanded intense handling. Harry made absolutely sure that he was as far away from Hermione as possible at night.


On Thursday night, Harry had a long essay due the next day that he had to write for McGonagall. Stupidly, he'd put the work off off until the night before. If he had expected any pity from Hermione, he was disappointed.

"It's your own fault for not doing it until now. I know you've had Quidditch training, but there's still been plenty of time to do it. I'm going to bed."

After hours of grueling research, writing, editing, and revising, Harry finally finished writing the essay. There wouldn't be time in the morning for Hermione to proof-read it, so he made sure to find every error that there was. By time he had cleared off his desk, it was almost one in the morning.

Exhausted both physically and mentally, Harry quickly changed into his "pajamas" before diving under the covers and falling into a deep sleep. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), Harry forgot to put a pillow between himself and Hermione. He also forgot to place himself as close as he could to the bed's edge.


"Harry!" Hermione whispered.

"Whu...is it...still dark...why" Harry, confused after being partially woken up, had no idea what was going on.

"Harry!" Hermione whispered more loudly this time, fully waking Harry.

"What is it, Hermione? If this is about the essay, I finished it. You don't have to nag me."

"It's not that. It's...um...well...Harry, you're kind of poking me." She shifted a bit, which felt nice.

"Wait," Harry thought, "why does that feel good?" Harry's eyes widened in fright, realizing for the first time that his basilisk was resting contently against Hermione's lower back, no doubt hoping to discover the real Chamber of Secrets.

"Oh fuck! I mean, no, not that, just, well, crap!" Quickly, full of both embarrassment and shame, Harry turned over and shifted as far as he could from Hermione. "You know, maybe I'll just go on the couch tonight."

"Harry, it's fine. You don't have to do that." Hermione tried to reassure him. "I know it was just an accident. Just forget about it."

"I can't, Hermione. This is the first time it's happened, but if we keep sleeping like this it probably won't be the last. That's why I always sleep so far on the edge. If I didn't, this would have already happened days ago." He couldn't see her in the dark and because he was turned away, but Harry had a feeling that Hermione was deep in thought.

After an awkward silence, Hermione asked, "So you mean it gets big like that every night?"

Harry Junior swelled with pride, much to Harry's shame. He sighed. This was his own fault, he knew. He had thought there would be nothing more embarrassing than getting caught. It seemed that he was wrong.

"Yes" Harry muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Yes, it gets big like that pretty much every night."

"Hmmmm." Hermione was spending a lot more time with this then he'd thought. Harry was almost wishing she had just yelled at him and then went back to sleep. "Is that because of me?"

"Not really. I pretty much get hard every night, girl in my bed or not. Though you being here certainly doesn't help." If Harry had been paying attention, he might have noticed Hermione perk up at that. (In more ways than one.)

"Well," Hermione replied. "There must be some way to get rid of it. We can't have you poking me with it, and we also can't have you practically falling off the bed like you've been doing lately. How do you usually get rid of it?"

Harry's face felt like it was on fire. "Well, normally I'm alone, so I kind of...I sort of...well...rub on it."

"You what?"

"I rub it for a bit, and then when it's satisfied it goes back down." Yes, a quick angry rant would have been so much easier.

"So you masturbate until ejaculation?"

"Uh, yeah." Leave it to Hermione to know all the fancy, scientific words.

"Well, why don't you go in the bathroom and do that then. That should solve our problems."

"Oh, uh...yeah. Sure."

Ashamed yet thankful that the ordeal could finally be over, Harry climbed out of the bed and went to the bathroom to appease Harry Junior. He turned the water on in the shower so that Hermione couldn't hear him rubbing one out. When he returned, Hermione was already sleeping. Harry crawled back under the covers, still wary of being too close to Hermione, and fell asleep.

Had Harry done some "undercover" work, he might have been surprised at what he found. But he didn't. He failed to notice Hermione's new position in bed, as well as the sweat on her body and the unusual dampness of her knickers.


/:Note:/ Well, readers, there you go. Another chapter completed! Hope you all enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know how much you love/hate it. Critiquing is always nice. By the way, I was thinking about this earlier today, anybody know about how many total students Hogwarts has in a given year? I was trying to think of what number dead last would be. I'm sure there's some expert among you who knows that off the top of his/her head. Anyway, have fun. I'll try to bring you more chapters and terrible puns soon!