Regardless, Watanuki had thought when he'd wake up he would be different. That he would look more impressive, have extra skills, feel changed. Or that, a fearful part of him whispered, his personality would be completely mutated into what he had been and not what he was.
But when he'd opened his eyes the first morning in his apartment after the whole terrible tragedy at Yuuko's, he'd been the same. There was no voice that suddenly appeared in his head; he couldn't turn invisible or make things move with his mind, though how much he tried for that latter one didn't bear thinking of; no angels or demons barged down his door at 6 am and he couldn't read minds. The only thing he could do, or so Yuuko told him after she had laboriously helped him get rid of them, was summon his wings at will.
It was all a strange letdown, said a portion of his mind that he quickly stamped out with panache. No need to jinx the good things. Letdowns were good, he reminded himself as he almost merrily went to the bathroom before his mood plummeted back down to his feet at the inevitable reminder that there was nothing to be happy about.
Two weeks he'd stayed at Yuuko's, ostentatiously on Yuuko and Doumeki's insistence that he 'recover'. He hadn't realized how physically demanding his grief had been. For nearly a week he hadn't even tried to sit up, didn't want to, but when he had, he had almost collapsed back down. Yuuko had insisted that it wasn't his grief that had taken such a huge toll on his body, but his experience with the crown's manipulation of it.
He hadn't argued with her, too tired and sick to his stomach to even care.
The only bright spots that had been in his life had been Doumeki. For once, he was glad that his boyfriend never said much. He never had to explain the complicated feelings that brought him down. If he told anyone, he was sure they would go into a long spiel about how special he was and he didn't want that. He didn't want a pep talk, so he didn't talk about it.
Doumeki didn't ask.
Watanuki left the bathroom a few minutes later, going through mechanical motions of getting ready for school. The routine was far more comforting than he would have ever thought and by the time he left his apartment, he felt a little less like a zombie.
He didn't understand why he caused the people around him to die. He had never taken life for granted, given that he was always about to be eaten by spirits ever since he was a child. If he had never taken it for granted, then why was death always taking away his friends? Was it some sort of lesson for something that he took for granted? A lesson for being happy when he had no right to be? Taking happiness from others more deserving of it, like Himawari-chan?
"You're thinking something stupid again."
Watanuki nearly jumped, not having even noticed Doumeki had fallen in step beside him toward school. He whirled, getting himself dizzy in the process, and would have tripped over his own feet if Doumeki hadn't reached out at the last second to grab his elbow. "What the hell do you think you're doing, scaring me like that?!" he demanded, routine falling into place of yelling at his boyfriend before he thought about it.
"You're thinking something stupid again. Your face got more depressed by the second," Doumeki reiterated and calmly ignored all his shouts about scaring him and how he should have more respect for him because he was the idiot archer's boyfriend and just how he'd fallen in love with him, he had no idea.
At length, his ranting subsided and he didn't miss the fact that Doumeki seemed vaguely happy about it, but he didn't know if he dared to ask about it. In fact, he didn't want to open his mouth at all. He just wanted to get through what would no doubt be a very painful day at school. The Morning-Routine had felt good and solid against him emotionally, but the Lunch-Routine would no doubt be an exercise in torture. It would always remind him of Himawari and the fact that she would never be there and it would be his fault.
Watanuki knew that her sacrifice for him had not meant that she wanted to be a saint. He knew her mind and her heart and knew that all she had meant by it was that she wanted him to be happy. But it was having the opposite effect on him, causing him to feel even worse. She had loved Doumeki too, just as much as he did. She deserved to be happy, more so than he ever did. He should have backed down, let her have him, but he knew she never would have gone for it even if Doumeki hadn't chosen Watanuki. She wouldn't want Doumeki to get hurt and she didn't want Watanuki to get hurt. So she had stepped out of the picture entirely to let them be happy.
Someone had once told him, someone that had been embittered by time, that there were no truly selfless people in the world. He couldn't remember who told him, just someone he had asked if they were all right as they passed on the street. Watanuki had thought at the time that the old man had been right. He had been too jaded on his life then, unhappy and making no move to change it. He had nodded anyway, even when he knew that the old man paid him no more attention except to utter those depressing words.
Yet now he couldn't believe that were true anymore. How could Himawari's actions and, on top of that her sacrifice, be anything but entirely selfless? Or maybe, he thought with mounting horror, it had been entirely selfish. A selfish wish to get away from her pain, as she had to watch her two best friends in love and knowing that one of them was the object of her affections?
He could think of nothing but that terrifying thought all day during school.
---
"Yuuko-san?"
The witch looked up and for a second, Watanuki swore he saw a flash of displeasure on her face. She dropped the magazine she had been clutching tightly in her hands and he noticed that several pages had been ripped and mangled beyond repair. Perhaps it was not the best time to ask…
"What is it, Watanuki?"
Now he knew something was wrong when the words were said without any inflection whatsoever. "Maybe I should ask later…you seem in a bad mood."
"Ask me now."
He winced at her flat tone that brooked no contradiction and it was the first time he had ever seen in her such a bad mood. "I wanted to ask about Himawari-chan," he whispered. "Why did she do it?"
Yuuko's eyes narrowed a little and she straightened in her chair, throwing the phone a disgusted look as if it where the worst creation ever made. "You make it sound like the answer would be a loaded question, Watanuki. I already told you that she did it because she wanted to save you." Her trademark smirk settled in its familiar place, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Or do you have some extra knowledge that I'm unaware of?"
Though it pained him to do so, though it physically hurt to make himself utter the words, he said it. "Himawari-chan said she loved Sh-Shizuka. And I thought…"
"You thought that maybe she did it selfishly because she couldn't stand seeing you two happy?" Yuuko shrugged and picked up her pipe, lighting it and making her pale skin seem even paler in the low illumination of the room. "That is a possibility, I suppose. However, I think you'd be belittling her character and choice if you thought that way. Seriously, Watanuki, don't you have enough problems at the moment without adding more to them?"
It was then that he realized in a moment of lightning white clarification just how much the ordeal of the crown and the past two weeks had hit everyone, even Yuuko. She moved a little slower now, even after two weeks that he'd heard from Doumeki that she'd been slammed into her sofa and broke it. She hadn't replaced it yet either and he had been too wrapped up in his own grief and self-hatred to notice before now. Her thin frame had never looked very substantial, but the look in her eyes lately made her seem gaunt even though nothing physically seemed to have changed.
"Beautiful, aren't I?" she teased when he was found out to be staring too long. "Trying to make Doumeki-kun jealous, are we? Too bad he's not here."
He ranted just for show, but his heart wasn't in it. There was a place missing where Himawari used to be and with her gone, it had affected everyone. He couldn't help once again blaming himself for inevitably causing it. Despite Doumeki's words, he couldn't say that he had never considered more than once the idea of breaking them up just so nothing bad would happen. The only reason he hadn't was because he knew that Doumeki Shizuka would never leave him alone anyway.
"Oh by the way."
Her voice caught him just as he was making a show of stomping to the door and cut his 'introspection' short. "Yes?"
"Be here on the dot tomorrow and bring Doumeki-kun. I have some people I want you to meet."
The way she said people was the only forewarning he had for what he soon learned was going to be one of the most horrible days at Yuuko's wish granting shop.
End
