Hotch and Gideon were worried and had been since Reid had returned to the unit after a minimal time of sick leave. Both men knew that Reid was an excellent psychologist and very capable of deceiving another professional into believing he was ready to go out in the field again. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder did not disappear overnight they all knew that, but it was a case of living and working with it. But the disorder was unpredictable, sometimes the sufferer did not know when the trigger would present itself to remind the sufferer of the original event. The triggers could be ordinary, even trivial, to the casual observer but to the sufferer they could be that unseen crack in the ice that sends you cascading down into the abyss of distressing memories.
It had been a learning curve for the team to have two members recovering from their time in Georgia. J.J. had taken time off but she was also more willing to confide and to feel the support of her social circle and her partner, Simon who worked in Forensic Accounting. She had been helped to see that Reid did not in anyway blame her for anything that happened to him and Simon was sympathetic over the nightmares she sometimes experienced even now 4 months later. However, Spencer Reid was a very private person, he had used his massive intelligence to control, and at times suppress, his emotions since childhood. Both senior agents knew that he had a girlfriend who was not on the official contact list, while the rest of the team thought him unattached. Hotch and Gideon had only once got him to admit her existence and Hotch was thankful that he had been able to persuade Reid to give him her number. Consequently, Hotch could not bring in the official contact team when Reid was injured. She had made her own arrangements and only Gideon had briefly met her before returning to base where the team had already arrived for debriefing procedures. On his return, Gideon had merely said that she was the quiet dependable type and not to worry, but Hotch did worry because he sometimes felt that where Spencer Reid was concerned Gideon was not objective enough. It disturbed Hotch that the experienced Jason Gideon would allowed Spencer Reid a little more leeway than the others because he was his protege.
"He deliberately didn't answer his phone," Hotch said.
Yeah, I'll deal with it when we've caught the unsub."
"We can't carry him if Morgan and Prentiss can't trust him to do his job….."
"Leave it with me Aaron," Gideon chose to use his first name with a quiet firmness that indicated he was in control of the situation and that this was an end of the matter.
True to his word, Gideon went to confront Reid once the case was solved and the team was winding down. They would be flying out the next day, after breakfast, so Morgan Prentiss, J.J. and the Detective Lamontagne were spending the evening together at some club Lamontagne was eager to show them. Reid declined the half- hearted invitation; they didn't press him because Morgan was still annoyed by his behaviour. Hotch said he was going to catch up with paperwork and then talk to Hayley. He privately told Gideon that he was not going to mention Reid's non-show in the report but that he would be keeping a closer eye on him in future. With this warning in mind Gideon set off.
He was not hard to find, he knew Reid had a musical friend called Ethan who had dropped out, almost immediately he'd begun the F.B.I. Introductory Programme. The jazz club was a popular venue; Ethan was very good and had probably made the correct decision for his life. The older man scanned the large dim room and spotted his quarry alone, totally engrossed in the music, seated in a comfortable chair near the stage. Gideon headed for the table and the spare seat beside him.
In the conversation that followed Reid admitted that he was struggling and that he had deliberately not answered his cell. However, to Gideon's satisfaction, he promised that he'd "never miss another plane again," His mentor wanted to believe him but he felt that Spencer was holding far too much inside because he feared being seen as weak. Gideon was about to take a different track with the young man when Ethan came over for a brief break. Ethan Hyde was friendly enough and Gideon was pleased that Reid had kept contact with the musician via the vagaries of eventually answering his e-mails.
Ethan wisely read the situation and turning to Gideon said, "He's his own worst enemy isn't he … but he's got a lot to offer if only he'll let you help him over this." Spencer looked shocked, the expressive eyes flashed an instance of betrayal, but the words were said with a gentleness and a reassuring squeeze of the shoulder, "Take care, Spencer, and trust your team."
"Ethan! Get yer butt over here!" a voice sounded from the stage.
"My cue…" Ethan grinned and was gone.
"Spencer, I have something to tell you, lets go back to your room," Gideon suggested.
Reid turned big hurt eyes on to his mentor; Ethan had seen right through him but still wanted his friendship but would the team forgive his weakness. He followed silently, lost in his thoughts about not pulling his weight and lying.
"Will the team forgive me?" he simply asked as they turned into the main street for the short walk back to the hotel.
"Spencer, they care, we all care about you, they just do not know the best way to help. They see you pushing them away but that's one of the symptoms of PTSD. Morgan has been in stressful situations but he's never been kidnapped and tortured, he has found he own way of dealing with his stresses but they may not work for you." Gideon soothed, he knew that Reid would have the book knowledge concerning the disorder but when you experienced it you couldn't always put the written academic wisdom into practice. "You are a totally different personality, you have to find what is best for you in this situation. You have talked to Catherine haven't you?" Gideon challenged.
"I've had too, at first I was afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. Then there have been the flashbacks, the first time we went on one of our favourite walks I just lost it…. There is an avenue of trees whose branches arch over the path and it had been raining …the smell it was like the rotting leaves in that old burial ground…. He stopped speaking lost in the memory, remembering how later he had been grateful it had been early morning and there had not been anyone else to witness his loss of control. But more importantly, he remembered Catherine's intuitive response, her re-assurance, how she had got his shaking, terrified form back to her apartment and above all he cherished the smell of her rose based perfume. He would always associate that smell with her and everything that was warm and loving and good. A car horn brought him out of the reverie, he glanced at the older man keeping pace with him.
I've found having one of Catherine's linen handkerchiefs with me…. I've put it in a plastic bag so her rose perfume doesn't contaminate the rest of my clothing," he continued to explain, " but smelling her perfume brings back the good memories of being with her, especially if I have a nightmare or just can't get to sleep. Sorry, that must sound so pathetic…"
"No it doesn't," Gideon asserted, "it sounds like you have an effective copying procedure. That's what you are supposed to do… your are a good psychologist and you should put all that knowledge now into helping yourself and helping Catherine to help you and your relationship."
Their conversation naturally stopped as they closely passed several people but Gideon was not going to let his prodigy so easily off the hook.
"Is she coping with the impotence?" Gideon suddenly asked, he heard a sharp intake of breath at that unexpected question but he was unrepentant, as a psychologist you had to sometimes ask those embarrassing questions. "Spencer, I've been there, it is a common side effect and it will be very unusual if the men in our work don't at some time suffer from impotence…. We have to deal with extremely distressing cases, the scenes we witness, the traumatised survivors and their families, it goes along side expecting the occasional nightmares." He tried to make it sound normal; academically Reid could possibly reel off the medical studies in the effects of PTSD and related conditions, but this time it was personal.
Reid's soft higher pitched voice finally struggled to answer, "At first," he hesitated to find the words to discuss such intimate details of his life, "I felt terrible about it. I wanted that closeness that Catherine and I had before, it was such a warm and pleasurable part of our relationship and when I couldn't I felt I was failing Catherine, you know, that she would feel I didn't love her as much as before… You don't need to worry, if anything I'll think what we have been through together as strengthened us. Catherine wouldn't let me wallow in my doubts and kept telling me that our relationship had been firmly in place before the physical one. She is quite an old fashioned girl, she firmly told me on our first date that just because she was going out with me that night it didn't mean an automatic pass to her bed. Believe me, Catherine has expected to be courted and I have played by her rules."
"And now?" Gideon pressed.
"Sometimes its OK, I think things are getting better but Catherine never complains, she's too nice," Spencer confessed "Sometimes, I wish she'd have a good rant at me but she says that if she has a rant to head for the hills and to remember Lizzie Bawden did it."
Gideon chuckled, "She loves you Spencer, you'll come through this together as long as you confide in her," Gideon counselled, " Just trust her and above all don't shut her out like you do your colleagues."
"Is Hotch pissed off with me?"
Gideon sighed, typical Spencer tactic, changing the subject when anyone got too personal.
"He knows what you did, but he understands, its not going in his report this time but you do that again and Hotch will have you in his office and you might find yourself off the team…."
They walked through the hotel doors. Gideon watched the younger agent as they made their way through the foyer to the elevators in silence. He knew the truth of his words was sinking in and, after this talk, he felt he had a better assessment of Reid's mending. Overall, he felt things were getting better. Reid breathed, letting go of some of his inner tension. He was grateful that Gideon had asked him such intimate questions as they walked; at least the physical activity had dissipated some of the embarrassment rather than being tightly coiled in an office chair under the psychologist's scrutiny.
They did not speak again until they entered Reid's room.
"Shall I order something from room service?" the younger man asked.
"Not unless you want something," Gideon replied as he settled himself into the room's easy chair.
He shook his head but went over to the small fridge and retrieved a bottle of mineral water,
"So what's so important that it must be in the privacy of my room?" he was puzzled considering the rather personal subject that they had touched upon walking back. Spencer sat upon the double bed facing his mentor and took a drink from the bottle.
"I've spoken with your father," Gideon quietly stated and watched the young man's face mirror the emotions he usually hid: shock, disbelief, a flash of anger, sadness."
"How… Did you contact him?"
"No, he asked me to go and see him … "
"When ….. I don't understand?"
"Neither did I until I was contacted," Gideon began, "Your father works in government security. He's in a protected environment because of his skills ….. it's not for me to tell you what he does …
but he'd heard that you had been hurt, he wanted to know from me that you were all right ….."
"He left when I was 10 …. No contact ….." Spencer was struggling with the years of loss, the sense of abandonment welled up. He could feel tears forming, "I'm sorry, " he mumbled, reaching into his trouser pocket for a tissue. He blew his nose a couple of times and tried to reel in his emotions.
Gideon patiently waited while he regained some composure, eventually he looked up into his mentor's compassionate gaze.
"It's all right to cry, you know ….. you've suppressed too much, had to cope with adult situations at
far too young an age, but eventually it catches up with you," Gideon soothed, "I was as surprised as you by your father's approach, but I don't doubt the genuine love he has for you and your mother .."
Haunted brown eyes widened in the longing to believe these words.
"He was in an impossible position, and a lot rested on his shoulders. He believed that your mother would have killed herself if he'd taken you with him but, because of the security work, you would not have been together. He made the decision to leave and thought a total break would be best for you…it wasn't, but he's only human. Your father told me about how your mother was a drug addict as a student – he'd paid for rehab several times in Mexico to keep things quiet. His family disowned him because he loved your mother…he still does, still financially makes funds available to pay for the best…"
Spencer sat spellbound at this news, he couldn't believe the tremendous potential in his life that this revelation could bring.
"Do you think her addiction triggered the schizophrenia?"
"Your father thinks her problems are self inflicted; you ought to talk to him, there are things you couldn't have understood as a child, or were kept secret. This could give you the opportunity to fill in the gaps, see that your father is not a cold hearted monster…just a man with an ability that this country needed to use and he couldn't concentrate on his work with your mother's problems…"
"Did you like him?"
"I didn't dislike him," Gideon answered evenly, "I found I was seeing a lot of you in him. He didn't want to cause you any distress by approaching you but I think he's kept tract of you over the years;
I suspect he's extremely proud of you. I've not exactly had the best relationship with my own son, so I can understand some of the difficult decisions he made and you got caught in the middle."
"You think I should see him?"
"That's really up to you. I hope you will one day, you are old enough now to understand the wider canvas; his work is classified so don't even ask. See him as a father who feels the guilt, has felt it from the day he left, nothing will or can make up for those years but perhaps as adults you can come to an understanding."
"Where does he live?" asked Spencer, trying to put more detail on the sketchy picture that was emerging.
"I've no idea, probably a safe place considering his position, but he gave me a number if you want to contact him."
"But your meeting," the younger man pressed.
"Your father rang me, I was met by an agent and taken to an empty office in Langley. Our meeting was interrupted by his work but he wanted to know you were all right," Gideon stressed again.
Spencer Reid's mind was analysing the meagre details; over the years he'd imagined several scenarios for a more satisfactory reason for his father's disappearance from his life. His mother had
only ever raged about him 'being weak' but Spencer had distant memories of a gentle, playful man who had taught him to ride and shared nature books with him. When he had left, Diana had destroyed all the photographs with William in them to the extent that Spencer sometimes wondered if he had imagined the times with his father. He mind suddenly took another path.
"Did you mention Catherine?" he enquired, and noticed a moment of surprise in Gideon's features.
"No, but he probably knows about her…"he replied carefully, aware that the younger man was coming fast to his own conclusions about his father's work and security meant that even the estranged son's life came under scrutiny.
Spencer nodded, assimilating all of these details. It was a totally unexpected turn of events and he wished that he had Catherine there with him, just to feel her warmth wrap around his spare frame.
There was a knock at the door.
Gideon rose, "Shall I?" Spencer nodded and the older man opened the door.
"Is Reid OK?" Hotch enquired.
"Yeah, come in," Gideon assured with a closed smile, which only made Hotch wonder what secrets the senior profiler was keeping safe.
Hotch entered; he looked more approachable without his dark suit jacket and sombre tie. He gazed at Spencer sitting slightly hunched on the bed and sensed the torrent of emotion the young agent was wrestling to control. Hotch gave Gideon a questioning stare.
"I'll go and get some sleep," Gideon said meeting Hotch's scrutiny. " 'Night Spencer,"
"Goodnight," came the automatic response. But he seemed not to care; his inner battles demanded his attention.
Aaron Hotchner was clever, sensitive and every inch the leader of the team. The sensitive element of his personality he carefully protected from the everyday turmoil of work, but his wife and friends knew he would reach into this well of experience and compassion if he judge the situation needed it. He was unsure of Gideon's actions but he had come with his own agenda and decided upon a different approach. He moved to sit beside his agent upon the bed; this unexpected movement startled Spencer who moved to face him.
"I'll not do it again," he said, reminding him of a small boy who had been found out by his father for some misdemeanour.
Hotch's face softened, "I know you won't; we all have a breaking point, Spencer, I've met mine…you need to trust Gideon and myself. We have both been there, with PTSD … and come through it, but you just can't keep pushing your emotions away behind that big wall of intelligence all the time. Hayley's been asking about you," Spencer's face registered surprise, "She's a bit of a mother hen, always asking about you…. Wants to know if you and Catherine would come for Sunday lunch."
"How does she know about Catherine?" he asked defensively.
"We've seen you shopping in Alexandria and a couple of times in Washington… Hayley saw you before I did…well it's a woman thing isn't it, when I'm off duty I do switch off a little bit," he confessed with a twinkle in his eye.
Spencer managed a weak smile.
"It would be good for Catherine to have a bit of support too … the rest of the team are out of this loop," Hotch added.
Spencer nodded his understanding feeling honoured that the Hotchner's were reaching out to him in this way. They did not usually welcome junior BAU members into their home.
"Catherine like children?"
"Oh yeah, she's a doting auntie,"
"Good, she won't be scared of Jack then,"
Spencer managed a chuckle, " No…not at all and she's made sure that I could pass the child-friendly test with her brother's children."
Hotch was pleased to see his mood lifting, "Oh, I see I've got to revise the 'Reid Effect' principle."
Spencer grinned and the room light up with its warmth, "We've been trusted to babysit all day," he confided.
"I'm impressed, see you midday Sunday then,"
"Yes, thank you, I'm sure that Catherine will enjoy meeting Hayley and Jack."
"Good," Hotch squeezed Spencer's shoulder before he rose from the bed, "Now try and get some sleep, we're homeward bound tomorrow after breakfast and we've the weekend off."
Hotch left, leaving a totally drained Spencer still sitting on the bed mulling over the events of the evening.
He eventually glanced at the clock and decided it was too late to call Catherine. He got ready to go to bed, finally taking out of its plastic bag the lace trimmed linen handkerchief. He lay on his back breathing deeply as the rose perfume washed over him, filling him with the happy memories that he shared with this special woman. As he drifted to sleep, another memory surfaced from long ago, he thought of the tall thin man he called Dad, racing beside him in the park as he rode his bicycle for the first time without stabilisers.
