The rain was ephemeral, starting suddenly and then gone within seconds. Maura woke to the bullet-like sound, her eyes wide, her forehead beaded with sweat. Her dream still clung to her heart, weighing it down and leaving her breathless. Jane. It was always about Jane.
It takes her a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dark, but it takes her only seconds after that to recognize the hand that rests lazily on the side of the bed.
Dark, coffee-brown hair splays down Jane's back, its tousled, curled ends disappearing beneath a blanket that wraps around her middle. She's still asleep; Maura envies her, her own eyelids still heavy, but she is simultaneously grateful for the rare opportunity of observing Jane uninhibited. She looks so carefree, so young, as though sleep renders her childlike.
Maura is also caught speechless by Jane's presence at all. She hadn't expected Jane to pick her, to choose her surgery, to lay here in wait. Casey was somewhere in the hospital as well. Perhaps he was still in the operating room; Maura had no concept of time, no way of knowing how long she had been asleep. She had arrived early in the morning, before the sun had a chance to rise up from a grassy bed, and the deep plum of the sky outside her window was no significant clue. It could still be morning, she reasoned. Casey could still be in surgery. His would have been much longer than hers.
Her mouth is dry and chalky. She tries to reach for the cup of water at the side table, but fails. Lying in defeat, her eyes trace what her fingers can't; the strong, smooth jaw of Jane's face, her rose-petal lips, the little dip between Jane's bottom lip and chin where, had she not an affinity for high heels, her lips would press when she stood flat. She lifts her eyes away as Jane begins to stir, broad shoulders shaking out sleep while her hands find the ends of the blanket that had fallen so low down her back.
The room, Maura notices for the first time, is cold.
"You're awake," says Jane quietly, still half asleep. She smiles; it's lopsided, it's drowsy and lazy and ultimately very Jane-like.
"You as well,"
"How long have you been up?"
"Just a few minutes. What time is it?"
Jane makes a show of adjusting the watch on her wrist, squinting against the darkness. "A little after seven. Wow, I've been out for a while." She stretches again, yawns, then rests her head on her hand. "So have you. Your surgery went well, by the way. In case you were wondering."
"I assumed as much, seeing as I am alive."
"Any pain?"
"Yes," says Maura. "But nothing that I didn't expect. Is Cailin doing alright?"
Jane nods tensely. "She's okay."
"And Hope? Has she asked about me?"
"She, uh..." Jane frowns. "She hasn't been in here. But we've been asleep awhile, Maura. She could've come in and left us alone."
"She could have." Maura knows she didn't. Jane wraps Maura's hand in her own. "I didn't expect you to come, either. Casey's surgery...I just assumed,"
"Well you know what they say when you assume," Maura tilts her head to the side, curious. Jane rolls her eyes. "It makes an - you know, nevermind. Of course I'm here. I wouldn't..." she bit her lip, mulling over her thoughts. "I would never not be here, Maura. Casey's fine. Ma said he's in recovery right now. It's pretty remarkable."
The pain in Maura's side shoots straight to her heart. A sick feeling rises in her stomach; how horrible, how horrible she is for feeling so disappointed. How horrible it is for her to not have wanted to hear those words. She hears Paddy's voice, thick and gruff, in her head and she feels his poisonous blood rushing through her veins.
"You okay?" asks Jane. Maura shakes her head, her shoulders fall and hot tears burn her eyes. Caught off guard, Jane quickly scoots herself up onto the bed, nudging Maura over gently with her hand. And Maura, ridden with guilt and disgust at her own self, collapses against Jane's shoulder, her tears soaking the sleeve of Jane's old, wrinkled shirt. "Shhh," hums Jane as she presses her lips to the top of Maura's head. "Shhh, it's okay. You're alright."
"I know you know. I know he told you," says Maura, her voice muffled by Jane's shirt. "Months ago. Casey told you that I went to his apartment."
Jane stiffens.
"He told me."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Maura pulls back to look up at Jane, though her eyes are murky with tears. "Yell at me? Something? Why are you here, still?"
Her eyes close. "You just went there to defend me," says Jane quietly.
"I didn't and you know it."
"You were right. He was treating me bad and you told him that."
"Badly,"
"Really? Now?"
Maura ignores her. Her voice softens. "I am not a good person. I am selfish. I am unreasonable. I rely far too deeply on logic and it causes me to sacrifice things that I love. You and Casey, Jane... you're a wonderful match. Your children will likely be very good at athletics and superior to their peers in physical exertion. Both of you have ties to this city and your children would have a built in support system that carries back generations. Financially, you could support yourselves until retirement. It is a perfect, logical match.
But that isn't what I want for you. I went to Casey's thinking that I was doing something good, that I was offering up something that you hadn't recognized yet. And I thought, Jane, that I was simply sacrificing my own happiness and you would reap benefits. I was wrong. What I did was selfish, because our lives aren't supposed to be easily matched. Things have to be messy and, and different for life to be interesting and I was taking away your opportunity for interesting. And I am sorry that I wasn't brave enough, and I am sorry that I am selfish. Mostly, I am sorry that I ever thought I knew what was best for you in your life, because I don't.
I'm sitting here disappointed that Casey is alive. What does that make me, Jane? It doesn't make me worthy of your friendship or anything beyond that, and it certainly doesn't make me wise enough to know where your future should lie, or with whom. I'm so sorry, Jane. I'm so sorry that I fell in love with you."
It brings Jane to tears. She scoots a few inches away from Maura and pulls herself up into a sitting position. Her fingers pinch her nose and she bows her head, eyes closed. A throbbing begins to pulsate behind her temples. Maura, for all that it is worth, begins to scoot even further from Jane, hoping that the distance will relax the detective and soothe the words that still hung miserably in the air.
But just as Maura, grimacing with each little scoot, feels her hip hit the side of the rickety hospital bed, Jane rolls to her side and captures Maura's bottom lip with her teeth, nibbling lightly while her hand steadies Maura's shaking shoulders. They kiss and take turns pulling away first, pausing to pepper faint kisses on the other's neck, cheeks and collarbones.
"Don't apologize for loving me," says Jane, her tears washing away Maura's kisses. She pulls back and slides off the bed, wringing her shirt with her hands and looking down at the pale, shocked Maura laying on the bed, still breathless. "Please don't apologize for loving me. Just..." Her face is pained. She grimaces and turns to leave. Her hand is on the doorknob when Maura finds her voice to ask,
"Where are you going?"
Jane pauses; she doesn't turn enough for Maura to see her eyes. She tilts her head only enough that Maura can see the silhouette of Jane's face.
"I need to go check on Casey."
Chapter 3 (the final chapter before the epilogue) will be up sometime before Sunday.
Please review and tell me your thoughts. I'm enjoying writing this.
