Thaaank you guys je suis honored! xD

Chapter 2 - Let's start!

On the next day Sam tried to do his homework again. And again it was the spirit's fault that he couldn't do it. He just appeared next to the desk and bored his intense brown eyes into Sam.

"What?" Sam asked uneasily.

"Did you get a diary?"

"A journal? Yes."

"So, open it. Take a pen."

Sam sighed but did it. He held the pen over the white paper and waited for instructions.

"Now list all the problems, topics and worries you have about loving other men."

"Is this really going to be a gay thing?"

"I'm Gay Spirit Warrior. What do you think?"

"I should have given you to Blaine, that's what I think", Sam mumbled but he wrote 'My gay problems' on the first page. Then he put the pen to his mouth (a crucial thinking gesture). Now. What would be his problems if he loved other men?

Firstly, he would have to tell his family. His father didn't like Ellen Degeneres. Who didn't like her, right? It had to be because she was gay. His mother wouldn't mind as much. His siblings neither since they were ten and eight.

Second. Blaine would think Sam being a man lover meant they could braid each other's hair and do each other's nails. Sam didn't want to have girly pyjama parties.

Third. Bullies in school, obviously.

Fourth. All his former bros – Finn, Puck, Mike, Rory - what would they think? And Ryder and Jake?

Fifth. Kurt would probably want to get it on with Sam and Sam really couldn't do this to Blaine.

Sixth. Jobs. Gay people were not as easily taken as straight ones. That's a fact, right?

Seventh. SAM LIKED GIRLS MAN!

He put the pen away and stretched his arms. "That was a lot of work."

"Now your goals", the spirit said.

"What."

"Take every point from your list and turn it into a positive goal. For example, the first one, you could write 'I want to find people who support me no matter what'."

Sam pulled a face. He wrote 'I want my father to like Ellen.'

G.S.W. shook his head. "This is not about you."

"Okay." Sam sighed. First. He wanted to find people who supported him no matter what.

Second. He wanted to be taken serious as a man. (Was that even possible when he was gay?)

Third. He wanted strangers to support him.

Fourth. He wanted bros that supported him. Okay, things got repeated now but that wasn't Sam's fault.

Fifth. He only wanted attention from guys he liked back. Yeah, right, like that would happen.

Sixth. He wanted a job. Oh wow, what a great insight!

Seventh. Sam also wanted girls to like him, not to think of him only as their gay best friend.

He leaned back and massaged his hand. Man, if he would write that much for school he would be ready with his homework in no time!

When Sam looked around he realised G.S.W was gone. He shrugged and turned his attention back to his paper. It was true, there were some disadvantages when one was gay. And wasn't it weird how his best friend was gay but they had never really talked about it? Sam had never thought about it much but there had to be special obstacles for Blaine because of his sexuality. It also influenced their friendship, that much was clear to Sam. He never would be as touchy-feely with his others bros. With Blaine it was easy to ask for cuddles because he wouldn't laugh and say how gay it was. Or be awkward about it.

When thinking about it that way… maybe that special bond he had thought he and Blaine shared wasn't really a special bond? Maybe he could have it with any other gay dude?

Well, except Kurt because with Kurt Sam had had absolutely nothing in common.

And then there was the million dollar question. When he met other gay dudes… could they ever make him want to kiss them?

"And now!"

Sam jerked up and looked around. "Damn you, G.S.W.! Do you have to frighten me like that?"

"But the fun part starts now!"

"Uhu, that is?"

"Finding to your own body."

"Uh…" Sam frowned. He looked down on himself. Pretty sure he was in his own body right now.

"Your body is unique and wise. Contrary to your brain that just thinks your body experiences life purely. It reflects everything how it is and not how you want it to be. But what I see in your society is how distant you are to your own bodies. You judge and try to look like other people want it to but do you really listen to your own guidance and feelings? Do you fully allow yourself to feel everything, even the 'bad' things? You're rushing instead of being. You alienate yourself from nature, sensitivity and female principles although those are crucial for the survival of a species."

"Okay."

G.S.W. shook his head deeply moved. Sam silently clicked his fingers against the desk. This was just like school, wasn't it? Listening to people who thought they knew everything better.

Alright. He knew that something was wrong with society and stuff but… man, it wasn't his problem to solve that!

"I will leave you alone for your next task. That is to stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself. Feel and perceive. Don't judge."

"Do I have to be naked?"

"That would be best."

"And you're not going to watch?"

"Of course not."

"It's still silly, man."

"Silliness and foolishness is the best antidote against yearlong self-damnation." And with those wise words G.S.W. vanished again.

Sam stayed in his chair and stared at his fingers. They were part of his body after all.

Why on earth would he stand naked in front of a mirror and look at himself? That was… weird, silly, stupid. Nobody did that. Well yeah, okay, maybe people did it but Sam tried to avoid it. All he ever saw was how ugly and fat he was. It either made him work out more or eat less. Yes, he had body issues but so had everybody else.

Sam looked around. Nobody was in his room and he hoped that would stay like that. He got up, took off his clothes except his boxer shorts and then dared to look into the mirror.

Okay. He was a boy. A boy who had some wobbly flabs on his belly. Sam poked into them. Shit, he shouldn't have done this. He didn't like his body. Who would ever want to see him like that? Or touch him? Or even more, love him? Nobody ever, that's who.

Some girls had but that was long gone. He had probably changed since then. Or they had been blind, who knew.

Sam looked himself into the eyes. What did he like about himself? His hair? It wasn't even real, he had lightened it up with lemon juice. His eyes? Boring. His mouth, well, let's not talk about it. Why did he have to be the only boy with big fat lips like that?

He thought of his positive goal list. How he wanted – and needed – people to support him. Maybe other people would see better things in him. Like… Blaine once had said he would love Sam even with seven percent body fat. Seven percent! Judging by his belly Sam was close to that now. He went to get his phone, dialled the number and got back in front of the mirror.

"Yeah?"

"Blaine? Uhm…"

Maybe he should have thought it through. He couldn't just ask Blaine for compliments. Well yeah, he was gay but he wasn't there to lighten up Sam's spirits whenever he needed it.

"Is something going on, Sam?"

"It's just… I look at myself and I hate my body."

"Oh. Well, don't. You –"

"I think I'm at ten percent body fat now. Or twenty, actually. How much is morbid?"

"The last time I saw you, you were perfectly fine, Sam."

"This isn't even how I should do it. I should be alone in this", Sam realised. "Damn, why did I call you. It's like I can't be on my own. I'm so depended on people."

"Stop it, Sam. It's okay to ask others for help. Do you want me to come over and comfort you?"

"I…" Sam looked at his flabs and felt like he should be alone. Forever. He didn't deserve comfort, he hadn't earned it. He wasn't perfect.

"I'm coming over", Blaine said.

"No."

"Yes."

Sam shrugged. When he couldn't keep Blaine away… well, at least he had tried.

For fifteen or twenty minutes he just sat on his bed and stared at himself in the mirror. Finally the doorbell rang. Sam still didn't move and after another minute Blaine poked his head in.

"Are you decent – no, you're not", he said. "Should I even ask?"

"Huh?" Sam released his gaze and slowly turned his head, looking at Blaine who closed the door and came nearer.

"It's the spirit", Sam explained. "He… oh, he's mean. Wait, he said something about not judging but I can't stop. I mean… look at me."

"What about you?"

Blaine sat on the edge of the bed and raised his eyebrows.

"Here, and here…" Sam poked his fingers into his fatty tissue.

Blaine scoffed. He actually scoffed. Sam turned away and grabbed his shirt. Even Blaine laughed about him so something had to be seriously wrong. From now on Sam would only consume fruits and vegetables. And run every morning. Twice as much.

"Sam. Not that I'm trying to keep you from getting dressed but… your body is perfect. Look at it through loving eyes."

Sam put the shirt down again and turned to his friend, disbelievingly frowning. "Loving eyes?"

"I mean even through unloving eyes you'd be perfect since this is how every man wants to look. But is that really the scale you want to be judged by?"

"I… I'm just trying to be good enough."

"Do you think I'm good enough?"

"Of course. You're more than that. You're, well, I don't know what perfect means but I don't see any flaws on you."

"You've seen me shirtless, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I don't have very defined abs, Sam. I'm not –"

"Blaine, shut up. Don't talk yourself down."

Blaine raised his eyebrows. And yes, Sam saw where this was going. Alright, so maybe it was a matter of perspective. Maybe he was good enough for some people. Even with more weight. (That he still didn't want to gain.)

"Why did the spirit ask you to do this?" Blaine wanted to know.

"Something about nature and aliens. Blaine, I need to write in my dia- in my journal now. I hope you don't mind."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No, just sit there and be quiet." Sam pulled his shirt over his head, got up and sat down on his desk, pulling his notebook closer. He glanced at Blaine but he was busy with his phone. It was weird thinking of private and intimate things when somebody was in his room. Sam was used to being focused on others. But that probably was something he had to work on, too.

'Body experience: not so good, I'm judging myself. Best friend said I'm okay. Ex-girlfriends never complained. Maybe other people are seeing something I don't? bf said loving eyes. Can't do that to myself, will practise with him.'

Sam put the pen down and massaged his temples. He actually was doing what G.S.W. had wanted him to. Why? He still wasn't gay. Though this body stuff did kind of apply to him anyway.

Sam turned around in his chair.

"Blaine? What else don't you like about yourself?"

"Uhm." Blaine put his phone away and sat up. "I'm very hairy."

"What's wrong with that?"

"I could ask you the same. You shave your chest."

"Hm… that's…" Sam rubbed over his chest.

"Different?"

Sam shrugged. Why did he do it? Because it was the thing to do.

"But you do, too. So it's okay, right?" Sam asked.

"It's not only my chest. My arms and legs and…"

"Did anybody ever complain?"

Blaine shrugged.

"I never noticed", Sam said.

"Of course you didn't. People mostly look at what's wrong with themselves."

Sam chewed on his lip. "But it's not wrong."

"And don't get me going about the hair on my head." Blaine sighed and drove a hand over his head.

"Oh my God, do I sound as whiny as you? I will never complain again."

"Hey!" Blaine grasped a pillow and threw it at Sam. He caught it and jumped at the bed, banging it against Blaine's shoulder. Blaine laughed and tried to fend Sam by pushing him away. But since he was a tiny little boy it didn't accomplish anything. Sam let go of the pillow and went over to tickling Blaine. The other let himself fall back and didn't even try to escape.

"Oh come on, this is so turning you on", Sam said.

"It's not", Blaine gasped.

"It is. Uh, Blaine…" Sam stopped the tickling and pushed his hands under Blaine's shirt. Yeah okay, maybe partly it was because he wanted to see what Blaine had talked about. Sam had never really watched him but in his mind Blaine had normal abs just like him. Now his hands drove over a soft, round little tummy. Odd enough he didn't think it was bad. It was nice.

"You wouldn't even know what to do with a boy, Sam Evans."

"Yeah? You think so? Because, I have to inform you, I'm a boy too. I know how it works."

He pulled back one of his hands and groped Blaine's balls. Alright. Maybe he should stop now. But the way Blaine drew in air was too good.

"I will sue you for sexual assault", Blaine said, pulling Sam's hand back.

"Uhuh. You haven't gotten any for God knows how long, you would never throw me out of your bed."

Sam laughed and let himself fall down next to Blaine, catching his breath. Poor Blaine, he had to endure so much with Sam.

"That's true", Blaine gasped. He held his stomach and panted just like Sam. After a while they calmed down and Sam drove his hands through his hair.

"Man, look at us. So desperate. We should go out more and meet some people."

"Yeah? You'd want a girlfriend?"

"Mh… I don't know." Sam wondered what G.S.W. would think of all that. Talk about getting a girlfriend. G.S.W. wanted Sam to be gay. And, to be honest, that kiss with that dude in Kentucky had been, like, not bad.

"I once kissed a guy." Sometimes Sam just spilled out what was on his mind. He couldn't stop it. That wasn't always a good idea so he really had to learn to control it.

He dared to look at Blaine only a few seconds later. The black haired boy stayed serious.

"When?"

"Back in Kentucky, two years ago."

"And?"

Sam shrugged. "It was okay."

"Huh."

Blaine looked at the ceiling again and Sam did the same. He stroked over his shirt and felt his abs beneath it. He had never thought about it but was it really that great for sex if he was that muscular? Maybe girls liked it better when he was soft and cuddly.

"Blaine, uhm… I don't want pyjama parties though."

"Well, that's okay."

"I mean we could have a pyjama party if you want to but a manly one. Like, without getting my nails done."

Blaine moved his arm. He took Sam's hand and held it in front of his face.

"Nah, that won't do. You need a decent manicure."

"Shut up!" Sam pulled his hand back and poked against Blaine's nose. Blaine only laughed again and tugged on Sam's arm until he let it go. Blaine enclosed Sam's hand with both of his and rested them on his chest, warm and comfy.

"So you're kissing guys and I'm kissing girls. Looks like the universe has gone crazy."

"Who have you kissed?"

"Not recently, but I mean, back in the days… I once kissed Rachel."

"And?"

"It was okay."

"Are you bi?"

"No. Are you?"

"Maybe."

Blaine turned his head so Sam copied the gesture and caught Blaine's eyes.

"Really?" Blaine said after a while.

"I don't know. I mean it's not excluded. But please… don't tell anyone yet."

"Sam, I would never tell people stuff about you. You can trust me."

"And I do."

"Awww."

"That's what the spirit is all about."

"About trust?"

"No, about my possible bi leanings."

"Is it a gay spirit?" Blaine asked with a hushed, plotting voice.

"Yes! He calls himself Gay Spirit Warrior and he's an Indian. First I wanted to give him to you but he said I need him more."

"Sam, I need some Gay Spirit as well. Maybe we could share him."

"Oh yes, sure he's up for a threesome."

"Right?" Blaine laughed. He squeezed Sam's hand and inhaled deeply. "Ah, with you it never gets boring."

"I love you, too. But I'm still not done with my homework and it's already Saturday afternoon."

"Okay, okay. I'm gone." Blaine let go of Sam and stretched out his arms.

Sam rolled aside and got up, stretching his whole body. "Be gone with thee! Hey, what are we doing tonight?"

Blaine stood up and shrugged. "Do you want to go out?"

"Again? Remember, we're not adventurous. We're boring." Sam went to his desk and looked at his school book. Oh, how much fun that would be. Not.

"But there's a carnival in Lima and Artie and Tina are going."

"Are they dating?"

"How would I know?"

"You and Tina are besties. And they are doing everything together, always."

"I really don't know, Sam. Yes or no?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Blaine smiled and eventually left. With the goal to finish his homework today Sam sat down. Time to focus.