Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Lee the Therapist

Chapter Two: Victims: Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, Gaara, and Kin

"So, what are your problems?"

"I—being an Inuzuka!" Kiba confessed. "I want to devote my life to something other than DOGS! I mean, I've grown used to eating dog food out of a dog dish for dinner, but I want to be something more!" he got a dreamy look in his eyes. "I've always wanted to be a ballerina, and wear a pink tutu and play the Plum Princess in the Nutcracker. I also want a cat. A big one, with orange stripes and a creamy white stomach and wise, large almond eyes that I don't need to tend to all the time. And I want to become a citizen of France and grow a mustache and carry a baguette and look really cool next to the Eiffel Tower!"

"YES! THAT IS SO YOUTHFUL! I HAVE AN IDEA TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM!"

"YES!" Kiba cried, excited now. "YES! WHAT SHOULD I DO!"

"RUN AWAY AND HITCHHIKE UNTIL YOU GET TO THE OCEAN AND SAIL ON A CANOE TO FRANCE! THEN BE THE BEST BALLERINA YOU CAN BE! THEN SETTLE DOWN, GROW A MUSTACHE AND BUY A BAUGETTE, MOVE TO PARIS AND BUY A CAT, AND THEN WALK BY THE EIFFEL TOWER EVERY DAY WITH YOUR MUSTACHE AND BAUGETTE!"

"YES!" Kiba ran away, shrieking in pleasure.

"GAI-SENSEI, I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN SPREADING THE YOUTHFULNESS! YES!"

"Hey…guy…thin-guy…"

"Eh? MY FIFTH CUSTOMER! SIT DOWN! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS!"

"Well…um…I want to eat more! I'm hungry all the time! I want to eat lots, lots! But there isn't enough food! I NEED MORE NUTRITION! HELP ME!"

"YES! WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT! MOVE TO ITALY! PEOPLE EAT LOTS THERE! TAKE A BOAT! A CANOE! CANOES ARE YOUTHFUL!"

"Uh…do I have to row the canoe?"

"…" Lee pondered this a moment. "Get…A CANOE WITH A MOTOR!"

"YES! OH YEAH! ITALY, HERE I COME!" Chouji ran off too.

"A SUCCESS! GAI-SENSEI, I AM ON A ROLL!"

"…troublesome therapist…"

"SHIKAMARU! SIT DOWN! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS!"

"I…troublesome sitting…" but he sat down anyway. "I…I want to have a different troublesome outlook on the world. I think everything is troublesome…because it is troublesome…I think it's too troublesome to think of another outlook and it's far too troublesome to force myself to look that way…so I had to force myself over here even though it was troublesome…"

"YES! THAT IS A HORRIBLE OUTLOOK UPON THE WORLD! YOU MUST LOOK AT THE WORLD AS YOUTHFUL! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL! GAI-SENSEI IS YOUTHFUL!"

"I…I…troub—YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT! I WILL GO AND SPREAD THE UNTROUBLESOME WORD! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL!" Shikamaru skipped off.

"OH, GAI-SENSEI, I HOPE I HAVE MADE YOU VERY PROUD OF ME!"

"Hey, you…eyebrows…"

"UH…?" Lee's eyes widened and he pointed at his customer. "IT'S YOU! THE GUY WHO BEAT ME UP AT THE CHUUNIN EXAMS!"

Gaara looked at him. "You beat yourself up. I just helped a little."

"I—NO, Gai-sensei would not approve! I—I must…" his face brightened considerably. "Sit down! What are your problems?"

Gaara looked at the seat, and sat down. "I…want to stop killing people. I'm running out of people to kill. I want the population to rise again before I start killing them off again."

Lee stared at him and immediately cried, "NO! KILLING IS NOT YOUTHFUL! YOU MUST STOP FOREVER! THE WORLD IS YOUTHFUL, SO YOU MUST BE, TOO! IT IS THE YOUTHFUL THING TO DO!"

"I…stop killing?" Gaara's face brightened, or at least as much as it could. "YOU'RE RIGHT! THAT'S SO RIGHT! I'LL STOP IT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!" he got up and shook Lee's hand vigorously. "I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND JOIN A BAND OF HERMITS! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!" he ran away, waggling his arms, and he threw his gourd at somebody and it went CRUNCH.

"GAI-SENSEI! YOU MUST BE PROUD, FOR I HAVE EVEN TURNED THE BLOODTHIRSTY GAARA TO YOUTHFULNESS!"

"Hey, er, guy that I beat up…really badly…"

"Huh?" Lee cried out and pointed. "You're Zaku! The other guy who beat me up bad! With that other guy, Dosu!"

"Me." Dosu raised his hand.

"That's not fair! I wanted to beat the guy up, too…" Kin pouted.

"Dumb Kinny."

"Errrrgggghhhhh…"

"So…er…I SHALL YOUTHFULLY STAND! YOU THREE CAN TAKE THE SEATS! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS?" Lee then stopped. "WAIT! ALL OF YOU ARE DEAD! GAARA KILLED DOSY, AND OROCHIMARY KILLED ZAKU AND KIN!"

"IT'S DOSU!" Dosu yelled angrily.

"It's Orochimaru!" Orochimaru yelled angrily.

"THANK YOU! WHAT ARE YOUR PROBLEMS?"

"Me first! Ladies first!" Kin raised her hand.

"Lady. Hah." Zaku mumbled. "EEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"STOP TEASING ME OR I'LL MAKE YOUR NOSE THE SIZE OF ALASKA!"

"YYEESSSSSS! YES! STOB! STOB!"

"Yay. Now where was I?" Zaku nursed a nose the size of California while Kin continued. "I…" she put one foot on the table and flipped her hair. "Want to be a movie star. I want to star in LASSIE! And in the TITANIC II, in which the Titanic rises from the depths as a ghost ship and man-eating monkeys terrorize the world! I WANT TO BE A CELEBRITY, IF ONLY I WASN'T DEAD AS A DOORNAIL IN NARUTO! It was my first big shot, and now I don't exist anymore!"

"WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF YOU ARE YOUTHFUL! IF YOU ARE YOUTHFUL, THEN YOU ARE YOUTHFULLY ALIVE! JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO NARUTO, AND MAKE YOUR BIG COMEBACK! JUMP RIGHT BACK IN!"

"YES! I WILL! THANK YOU! MY FANS, STOP PINING OVER THE LOSS OF KIN! I WILL MAKE MY COMEBACK AS DRAMATIC AS POSSIBLE!" Kin ran away, with her ponytail whipping in the wind. A random person cried out in pain as the ponytail hit his/her face.

"Wow, she's happy…" Zaku and Dosu sweatdropped. "Okay, my turn," Zaku said.