A/N: This, and all further chapters (unless otherwise noted) are written with the help of Tumblr users NickistheWalrus and QueenPrincessKiara.
Morticia rolled her eyes at Sam, and sighed. She sat back next to Slik.
"YEHEHEHEHEHE MORTY KISSED MEEEEE" Sam giggled like some one who just met their celebrity crush.
"Shut up, weedwhacker."
"It's not Weedwhacker, bitch"
"I didn't call you bitch, weedwhacker."
Sam pouted like a baby.
"Oh quit pouting, weewhacker." Skreek said "Just because my sister kissed you doesn't make her yours."
"Yeah, you kissed my gf, bud." said Slik, judging Sam, with his sexy, sexy eyes.
Sam frowned loudly. Slik squinted at him sexily.
"Ahahahahaha! Kittens, and rainbows, and SUGAR FISH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Trekk like a maniac.
Optimist Prime "accidentally" knocked over his twelve gallon gasoline smoothie onto Trekk. "Oops" (When he says "Till all are one" he doesn't include Trekk since he's an ass licker.)
"AHHHHHH! IT'S BURNIN', IT'S BURNIN', OH KITTEN JESUS HELP ME!" screamed Trekk, running around and trying to find some water to extinguish the flames, screaming like skeletons out of hell.
Morticia got up, closing her laptop and running off.
She accidentally dropped her receipt, which had many questionale purchases on it...let's see...
-A giant cucumber
-Lotion
-Season 1 of Phineas and Ferb on DVD
-Some raw meat
-A teal fur coat
-and an industrial sized package of skittles
okay well enough of that, let's follow her.
She sighed, and went to her apartment. Hopefully the Moo-Crew (that's what I call them, don't ask) wouldn't follow her. Well, except Slik. She wouldn't mind Slik following her.
She thought about Slik for a second. God damn, he was so sexy. He was so sexy, just thinking about him made you realize how sexy he is. He was so sexy, he put the sexiest man alive to shame. He was so sexy, he-Well, that's beside the point.
Morticia nearly jumped hearing the rev of a motorcycle behind her, as she was about to walk into the corridor to the apartment
"Slik?" she turned around. It wasn't Slik. It was Sam Wotm8. On a pink barbie motorcycle, that looks like he got it on sale from Wal-mart for 5.88 plus tax.
"Dammit, Sam, why did you follow me?"
"Because I wuv you"
"THAT'S WHATCHA ALWAYS SAY!" she crossed her arms. "And I see you bought a motorcycle. What next, are you gonna start dressing like Slik too?"
Sam laughed, and then revealed he was dressing exactly like Slik as well.
"I spoke too soon." Morticia sighed "And why are you here? And because you love me isn't an answer." She crossed her arms. "Wait...It's because you think that you dressing like Slik and getting a motorcycle will just make me love you. But the thing I've been wondering since the day you walked into my lab...Why do you want me so badly?"
"I just do. you're soooooooo beautiful" responded Sam.
"No!" she slapped him "What's your reason? You have some ulterior motive. What is it?"
"I have to fart" And alas, he ripped one.
"DAMMIT! No! TELL ME SAM!"
"Bumblebee is gone and I'm alone..."
"So you persistently persue me and all because your little friend is gone? Dude, you were being a creep, that's probably why he left you." she said, not knowing Bumblebee is a robot.
"Bumblee is an autobot." said Sam."and my gaurdian."
"Oh. Still. Do you act this way around him?"
"No. But we're the best of friends. We like to eat Papa John's pizza and watch Seth Rogen movies together. But one time I had sex inside of him in car form and well uh...that's why my other girlfriend is gone."
"And what? You wanna fuck me inside of him so I can go the way that girlfriend went?"
"Yeah...n-no..I want to sex you, but...not inside Bumblebee."
"Oh shut up, Sam Pigsmacky. What next, am I gonna find out that you're a cannibal?"
Sam pulled out a couple of chunks of human flesh and threw them in his mouth, chewing.
"Seriously? SERIOUSLY?"
"This is why I got Even Stevens cancelled. I ate everyone on set."
"What? I thought you were Sam Witwicky, not Shia LaBeouf"
AND THEN SOME DECEPTICONS STARTED ATTACKING! They were about to kill Morticia when Sam jumped, pushing her out of the way. However, he tackled her a little too hard, giving her a slight concussion, and knocking her out.
She woke up in a hospital, with Shia-I mean Sam looking at her.
"What happened?" she asked, drowsy.
"Decepticons attacked."
"Why am I in the hospital?"
"I tried to get you out of the way, but I tackled you too hard and gave you a concussion"
"You asslicker!"
"Hey I only licked ass once and that was a dare!"
"YOU GAVE ME A CONCUSSION! I thought my student loans were bad, and now I have to pay a HOSPITAL BILL!"
Sam whimpered like a guilty dog. "I'm sorry sweetie" He said.
"Sorry enough to pay the bill for me?"
Sam nodded his head. "I'll give you every single cent and dollar I have"
He then pulled out two dollars and a penny. "Will this cover it?"
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A JOB!"
"I do...I fight evil robots sometimes, but I don't get paid for it."
"BUT IN THE THIRD MOVIE YOU HAD A JOB!"
"I got fired, because I missed work too many times"
"Ugghhhhh. You're lucky my dad can pay for this. Now, hand me my cell phone."
He threw the cellphone and it fell to the ground and shattered.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have a phone?"
"I have an IPod." He didn't want to admit it, but the IPod was full of Justin Bieber songs.
"You can't call people on an iPod, you iShitHead."
"Wellllll soooooooooorry Miss Judgementicia Auminox!"
"I'm not judging you! You're just a moron!"
Sam whined, "But I know what 2 + 2 is! It's 69!"
"IT'S FOUR! DUMBASS!"
"Not when it's you n me bby"
She slapped him.
"Is this foreplay?" Sam asked.
"Just help me get out of this hospital bed!" she reached out for him to help her up.
He touched her booby, the part of it that connected with her arm.
She slapped him, again.
"MY ARM. GRAB MY ARM."
Sam grabbed her leg.
"GRAAAAAUGH MY ARM! MY AAAARM!"
He grabbed her hair
She grabbed his hand and put it on her arm. "Now pull me."
He pushed instead, falling on top of her.
"You are a fucking idiot. You know that?"
"I know I'm a genius!"
She face palmed. "Look, we have to get out of here before-"
"Ms. Auminox!" a Nurse came in, looking down at her clip board, she looked up "AAHH! I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR FURIOUS BABY MAKING, I'LL JUST EXCUSE MYSELF!"
"How are babies made?" Sam asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" Morticia screamed in annoyance. "I will explain it to you later. JUST HELP ME GET UP!"
"No. I wanna make a baby."
"Oh hell no." She pushed him off of her. "Help me up or I won't help you find Bumblebee."
"Y-you'll help me find Bumblebee?"
"Yes. I will. But only if you help me get up, and get dressed."
"Can I make a baby first? Baby making is fun."
"NO! I have a boyfriend. His name is Slik. Remember him?"
"Is Slik the one with the Pikachu shirt?"
"No, he's the sexy one."
"The robot?"
"NO!"
"The cute one?"
"The sexy one! You know! He's sexy! And he rides a motorcycle!
"Oooooh, so I'm your boyfriend?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
She punched him in the jaw.
"Ouch!"
"HELP ME UP YOU PUSSMUNCHER!"
"I would never do that to a cat!"
Morticia sighed. "Just help me up, help me get dressed, and I'll help you find your guardian."
"Aww, thanks, hun."
"Well help me!"
"I'll give you the kiss of life."
Sam's eyes suddenly widened.
"What?"
"You're aDdecepticon, aren't you!?
"Of course not! The Decepticons destroyed my lab, tried to kill my cousin, and want me dead!"
"Are you super sure you're not one?
"Yes. I'm super sure. NOW HELP ME UP!"
Sam helped her get up.
"Where's my clothing?"
"I made a cape with them."
She facepalmed.
"Give me your clothes." she said to him
"But I'll be NAKED!" he whined.
She sighed. Then she started pulling the fake leather jacket he was wearing off of him. Being that she was really petite, it covered her naked body well enough that once she wrapped it around herself, it looked like a dress.
Sam whined, but then suddenly grinned and winked. "But you know what I also wanna take off?"
"What? Just what do you wanna take off?"
He winked, "My boxers"
She sighed. "Not now."
Sam whined, "But sex is magic!"
She slapped him. "I liked you better when you were inexplicably in the fourth Indiana Jones movie!"
"You should have seen me in Nymphomaniac then."
She slapped him again. "C'mon." she grabbed his arm. She pulled him and he wouldn't move. "I SAID MOVE SHIA-I MEAN SAM!"
"Ooookkaaaaayyyy" He said, getting a move on.
She tripped and landed in his arms. "You tripped me!"
"Sorry!" whined Sam.
"Ugh whatever!"
"I'm sorry Mort!"
"Just hand me my bag." she held her hand out.
He handed her the bag.
She pulled out a gun. "Take this" she tossed it to him. "I think I know where your friend is."
"Oookkaaayyyy!" said Sam, taking the gun. "Oooh, what's this do?"
"It's a fucking gun, weedwhacker!"
"Don't call me WEEDWHACKER!" whined Sam like a baby.
"Ugh. Men." she took the gun from him. "I guess I'll be the weapons specialist." she pulled out a gun holster, wrapping it around her waist, and putting a gun in the holder. "C'mon, let's go."
Sam then stumbled along with her.
"I think my dad kidnapped Bumblebee. Something about government experiments and world domination. You see, he's got a few screws loose, but if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be a scientist. Not many labs would be interested in 19 year old women with green hair."
"Ooohhhhh, he did? Wow!"
"Yes. But we can rescue him."
"Okay then, cool, but first, let me take a selfie!" said Sam, pulling out his IPhone and smiling like an idiot for his selfie. "Mort, take the picture with me!" He pulled her into the shot, putting his lips to her cheek, then taking an obnoxious amount of photos.
Morticia was embarrassed.
"You...you aren't going to post that, are you?"
"Oh, it's going to be up on Instagram sometime soon" he said, tapping away on his phone. "Oh oops...I just sent it to my whole contacts list."
"What?!"
"I repeat, I just sent it to my whole contacts list."
"Sam! How did you even-?"
"I did. I just did. Well, I'll probably get lots of COOL COMMENTS ON IT!"
His phone suddenly turned into a Decepticon frobot. He had a cool 'fro. Too bad he's evil. That 'fro is so cool.
"OH NO! LET'S RUN!" cried Sam.
Morticia shot the robot with her gun, until he was totally destroyed.
"We don't run. We fight." she said, putting the gun back in the holster.
"Oh, soooo cool!"
"Now c'mon Witwicky" she said, pulling his arm. This is the first time she said his name correctly.
