Walking back into our condo, no Conner's condo I felt at peace with everything for some strange reason. I think it had something to do with Santana actually it had everything to do with Santana. The woman had some type of calming magic I don't think I would've opened up to a random stranger like that. I mean yes I am a people person always have been, but it was like I wanted to tell her everything. She made me feel better like yes your boyfriend is an asshole, and yes you're afraid of what's going to happen next, and yes you don't know how to take care of yourself. Despite all of those negatives she made me feel like I would be okay and I would learn to take care of me. I feel like I owe her a lot no I know I owe her a lot. Is it weird that one person made me feel like this in all of 30 minutes, who knows?
Conner is lying on the couch silently watching TV when I enter the living room. Didn't he say he was going to be late tonight? I pull my cell phone out of my pocket; it is late its 11 o'clock where did the time go?
"Hey Brittany where were you?" He didn't even say he was worried about me. Normally if I would be home at this hour he would have called or texted me, but of course he didn't. This realization is all too much for me, and Santana's calming magic is slowly losing its effect on me.
"Brittany are you okay? You don't look so good right now is there something wrong?" You're what's wrong Conner, as soon as the thought comes in my head it comes out of my mouth.
"You're what's wrong Conner" he looks at me confused.
"What do you mean Brittany what did I do?" There he goes calling me just Brittany again I hate being just Brittany to him. I can't even believe he just asked me that. What did you do Conner are you kidding me? I feel myself getting pissed off, and I know it's showing on my face.
"You are a cheater Conner YOU CHEATED ON ME, BRITTANY THE WOMAN YOU SAID YOU LOVED YOU CHEATED ON. YOU FUCKING CHEATED, CHEATED!" I'm screaming I'm losing all control, I wanted to come in here and have a conversation, or at least be civil he doesn't deserve that though. He deserves all the anger I have to give him.
"Brittany I-"
"There's nothing to say you knew I would find out, do you really think I'm that stupid. You didn't even have the decency to even try to hide it. I saw the texts the call, you smelled like perfume that wasn't mine, you haven't had sex with me in forever!" I shake my head.
"I'm glad though, I'm glad you didn't try, and hide it. I'm glad you didn't string me along letting me believe a lie. I'm glad this didn't go any farther than it could have gone because if we were married, if you would've have said those vows to me then betrayed them I don't think I would've been able to handle it at all. I'm barely handling this right now." I feel the tears come down I don't even try to fight them. I sit down on the couch so that my legs won't betray me and let me fall. My face is buried in my hands, and despite the argument I'm having with Conner now I can't help but hear Santana's voice in my head. "You're still so pretty even when you're sad."
"Brittany I am so sorry I- I don't really know what to say. I- I knew you would find out because I was reckless with it. I was hoping you would find out, this sounds so pathetic but I didn't want to break up with you. So I- I cheated, and I hoped it would make you want to leave so that I didn't have to break up with you. That sounds so stupid now that I think about it."
I want to do nothing but attack him at this point; it's getting harder and harder for me to sit still. "So instead of you being a man, and breaking up with you do something even worse than that you cheat. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my entire life Conner."
He stares at his feet; he almost looks like a little boy getting scolded by his parent close to tears.
"Britt" It's the first time he hasn't called me Brittany. "I am so stupid this is my entire fault I-"
"Why did you do it, is there something wrong with me? Was I not good enough? Did I just not make you happy anymore what is it Conner?"
"NO!" He pretty much yells it out. "Brittany there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're so… perfect you always have been, still are." I've heard that word a lot today, and for some reason I only really believed it when Santana said it. "Britt it was all me I'm such a fool, it was just we- we have always been together. You were my first real girlfriend, and everyone wanted us to be together including our families. We just fit everyone else's idea of a perfect couple so I just went with it ya know." He's crying now. "I love you so much, and still do but one day there was this woman she made me I don't know feel different I guess. I started to think what if you and I were together because everyone wanted us together, and not because we wanted to be together. Marriage was the next step for us, but I didn't want that I wanted to be free so I cheated instead."
Listening to him explain all of that for some reason I understood where he was coming from. Not the cheating of course, but the whole we did this to please other people, and not so much for ourselves. Now when I think back I hadn't even wanted to date Conner in the beginning I was happy being free and independent. Of course though with my mother's death I knew it would make my father happy seeing me with Conner his family had money, and a good name just like ours. Brianna had Brian so it was only right that I had Conner. Everyone and I mean everyone told us how great we looked together, how beautiful our kids would look blonde and adorable. I agreed with all of them too even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I wasn't doing this for the right reasons. I ignored it all because I wanted to make others happy. When did this happen? Why did I wait so long to see? Why did Conner have to cheat on me for me to open my eyes?
"I understand what you're saying Conner" He looks at me through his tears confusion on his face. "Why didn't you just talk to me about this though you didn't have to cheat on me, you didn't have to hurt me like this?"
"I would've hurt you even if I talked to you about it Britt-"
"It would have been better than hurting me like this though I would've understood you talking about this with me communication is the most important thing you don't have to cheat to get my attention Conner." I feel drained; like everything has been sucked out of me I'm emotionally exhausted. The last time I felt this way was when my mother died, and I never ever planned on feeling like this ever again especially not because of Conner. He was supposed to make me feel the opposite of this.
"I am so sorry Brittany I don't know what to do or say about any of this. When we first started dating I told myself I would never hurt you, but I did."
"You did" He starts crying even harder, it's something about it when a man breaks down and cries because their supposed to be the strong ones and Conner never cries. I'm glad he's crying now though hopefully he feels the same pain I feel right now.
I can't stay any longer there's just too many emotions going through me right now, I can't handle his emotions too. I wipe my face I've cried so much today every time I think I've run out of tears I'm surprised to find out that I haven't. "I'm going to go pack up my stuff now." He shakes his head tears still falling.
"Are we completely done now B?" What else would we be together?
"You made the choice for us Conner when you cheated on me, you made any other options for us unavailable."
Grabbing as much stuff as I can I shove it all in a suit case. I really don't want to have to come back here so I try and stuff as much in as I can.
With my closest mostly empty I take one last look at the room. I just want to forget all of this, the memories, and what I thought was love. I sit the key down on the coffee table in front of him. He still looks so upset, but good I don't care let him cry. As I'm walking away I stop I don't want to end it like this, with nothing said I would regret it. I know that he deserves nothing from me, but I just can't leave like that.
"I could wish you the worst, hate you, and curse the fates for letting me fall for you but I don't. I wish you the best Conner I don't hate you I'm just hurt, and I don't regret falling for you because I know I will be okay. Take care Conner", and with that I'm out of the condo, and out of Conner's life.
"Santana how was work I really appreciate you doing that for me today." Mama says as I walk through the kitchen. I'm so exhausted I haven't worked in the restaurant for awhile because I'm always gone, but now I remember why I never liked working there in the first place. It's hot, I'm on my feet 24/7, I have to be polite to customers it's just a big waste of time.
"It was okay I'm going to sleep for hours I can tell you that much." I roll my eyes, and grab water from the fridge. I need to smoke as soon as possible.
"Well gracias San I'm headed to bed Diego's asleep, and Manny's out with some girl." She gives me one last look before going upstairs.
Perfect, I go upstairs to my room dig deep in my sock drawer, and find what I'm looking for. Grabbing all my stuff I peek into Diego's room not even for a reason just out of habit. I find myself in the patio doing the one thing I know that will relax me. I take one of the 6 joints out of the plastic baggy it's easy to get weed whenever I need it I can get it. I don't let myself smoke all the time, just when I need to relax a little I mean I'm not some addict. I just never really liked alcohol, most 21 year olds would be going crazy right now drinking, and clubbing but not me. I only really party in New York when I want to bring a girl home for the night. With alcohol you lose yourself and your inhibitions with weed I can relax and forget for awhile but still be in control. I light it and take a long drag.
One thing I can't get out of my mind is Brittany. I just can't forget everything that happened, why did I help her? Why did she tell me so much when she didn't even tell her own sister? Why did I feel so… drawn to the woman? The physical stuff of course I can understand that I see hot women that I would want to take home and have crazy sex with all the time. Brittany is definitely one of these women. I can handle the physical part of it all I just don't understand the emotional attachment I felt towards her. I didn't just want to get in this girls pants I wanted to get to know her, make her feel better, show her there's other people besides that idiot boyfriend. I'm worried about her though what if she went back with him, what if she's in trouble, she said she couldn't take care of herself… The sliding glass door opening breaks my train of thought.
"Give me a puff"
I scoff at him as he goes to sit down next to me. "Why would I do that?"
"Cause no one likes to smoke alone."
"Whatever" I say as I hand him the joint. "Since when did you start smoking the green stuff?"
"Eh I've been doing it every now and then for awhile with my friends at parties and shit. This stuff is pretty easy for you to get huh?" He takes one more puff and hands it to me.
"What do you think Manny obviously it is." I blow out an O.
"I figured as much." We sit in silence for awhile longer. The thing about weed is it makes me want to talk for some reason. Like a deep conversation, food, and sex are the three things that I want when I'm high. I can at least satisfy two out of the three things I want right now.
"Manny do you believe in fate?" His head is against the chair, and he's staring at the sky. I copy his position.
"Yeah sure San I believe in fate why?"
"Today I met this girl, and I don't know it's like I was supposed to meet her, like meeting her was going to change something I just don't know what."
He sits up and looks at me "What happened why do you think that?"
"I'm not exactly sure why" I close my eyes and see Brittany's face. Is that weird? Of course it's fucking weird. "She was crying at the restaurant everyone was staring at her so I helped her and brought her out back so she could cry in peace. You and I both know that I'm a bitch, and I would never help anyone-"
"That's definitely true" he interrupts me.
"Oh shut up do you want me to finish or no?" He nods his head for me to continue.
"Anyway I lead her out back and she just started talking to me telling me about her idiot boyfriend who cheated on her, and how she couldn't take care of herself because she let other people do it for her. At the end when she was leaving I had never wanted a girl to stay with me and not leave as much as I had Brittany."
"Hmm Brittany was she hot?" This time I punch him hard in the arm.
"Is that all you can fucking think about when I'm trying to have an honest conversation with you."
"Ow! Shit Santana I was only messing around! You don't have to hit me goddamn it!"
"Well how the hell was I supposed to know that?" That's as close to an apology as he will get from me. "She was smoking hot though I mean she was like a real life angel or something."
"Really, that's pretty awesome San. I've never heard you talk about a girl like this before are you going to see her again?"
"I don't even know she has a boyfriend." I roll my eyes at the idea of Brittany being with that cheater.
"Didn't you say that he cheated on her, and that she can't take care of herself? If anything this girl should be begging to see you again because you're good at taking care of everyone besides you remember?"
"Oh fuck you Manny leave me alone."
"I'm kidding Santana who knows you may see this girl again sometime you never know."
"Yeah I guess." There was silence for a little while longer.
"Hey San"
"What?"
"You wana go get some food I'm so hungry, and considering the weed we just smoked you probably are too. "
"Hell yes."
2 weeks later
"Britt you can't just lock yourself up in your room all day. I mean I know life sucks right now, but don't you think a shower, or a walk outside would do you some good." Brianna calls out from the hallway.
"Yeah Brittany why don't we go out to lunch or something" my father says right after her.
I say nothing; just sink down further in the covers. When did this become my life? A few weeks ago I thought I had everything now I have nothing, and I'm back sleeping in my old room at my parent's house. It's like instead of moving forward I've done the exact opposite I'm embarrassed, hurt, sad, depressed, and a ton of other emotions wrapped into one. I can't help but feel like all of this is my fault even though it's not it kind of is. I'm the one who lost my independence, my identity, and everything else. I don't think I ever want to go through this again giving up so much of myself for a relationship it's not worth it because what if I end up in the same predicament? It's not worth the heartache.
I've been like this for 14 days now, locked up in this room. I just don't see a point of coming out I'm fine right here. I hear the door knob jiggle, and the lock pop open then Brianna's face at the site of me. I probably look terrible, but I don't even care. There are tissues all over the bed, and my hair looks greasy, I feel dirty but I've done nothing to change the situation.
"Britt you don't deserve any of this, I feel so bad." I shake the tears away, if there is one thing I am sick, if of it's the tears. I try and change the subject.
"Since when do you know how to pop a lock?" She shakes her head.
"I don't know Brian taught me, stop deflecting B. I will not let you live like this because if I do you won't ever pick yourself up. You need to do something Britt leave, take a vacation, go someplace else. You need to do something that will help you get better. "
"What can I do Bri? There's nothing I want to do I just want to lie here, and sleep. I mean what would you do if you found out the last 6 months you've spent with Brian were nothing, but a lie." She looks at me sadly.
"Probably the same thing you're doing now, but I know you would be doing what I'm doing for you. Pulling you out of the darkness and bringing you into the light wouldn't you?" I nod my head, of course I would.
"What made you happy? When is the last time you felt at peace without Conner B?"
As soon as she asked me I knew exactly what the answer was. Between all the tears, tissues, and memories of Conner she didn't really leave my mind, and I don't even know why. I've never thought about a woman the way I think about Santana. I experimented a little in high school with girls a little a few make out sessions here and there, but nothing like this. It wasn't like I wanted to get with her of course she's absolutely stunning, but it wasn't just about that. She made me feel so special, and I couldn't help but to want to know more about her. Leading me through the kitchen I'm pretty sure you can't do that , what if she lost her job because of me? Shit I really hope she didn't I'm not worth that. Then she told me I was pretty, it was like she couldn't take her eyes off me. Conner use to look at me like that I think? She wiped the empty crate off for me I don't think she was even going to at first but she looked at me and then did it. Like she knew I didn't want to sit on that dirty thing, and ruin my skirt. Santana put some type of trance on me and it's like I can't get out of it, I don't want to either. Despite all of the shit that's happened to me Santana is the only good thing that's come out of these 14 days. I just need to see her one more time then I'll be okay.
"I have to get dressed!" I blurt out a little too loud.
"What have you been listening to anything I've even been saying to you?"
"Yes I have, and I know what would make me feel better right now so I'm going to hop in the shower." I'm out of the door before she can ask any more questions. For some reason I don't want to tell Brianna about Santana. I know she will call me crazy I just broke up with Conner, but it's not that want to be with Santana I mean I'm sure I might want to. It's not about that though I need to feel better and she'd what made me feel better without even trying to she just did, and that's what I need right now.
I manage to slip past Brianna and my father silently open the front door and pull out of the driveway.
30 minutes later
I don't even know if she's here, something in my gut tells me she is but my gut told me to keep going forward with Conner so I know I can't rely on it. I walk through the doors of the restaurant. A younger boy maybe 17 or 18 greets me. I know what Santana looks like I even see her when my eyes are closed it's like she made a permanent imprint on my brain. Seeing this boy instantly makes me think of her.
"Do you know Santana?" The words pop out before I can even register them. He gives me a confused look.
"Maybe, why who's asking?"
"I- uh- I'm Brittany she did a favor for me the other night, and I just wanted to uhm thank her again." I awkwardly stand there why this boy looks at me like I'm crazy, he's not the only one I feel crazy.
"You're Brittany?" A wide grin forms on his face.
"Yes I am."
"I'm Manny it's nice to meet you." He holds out his hand for me to take.
I take it and smile at him.
"It's your lucky day Brittany because I just so happened to not only know Santi, I'm her brother."
Hell yeah! "I knew there had to be some kind of relation, you guys look a lot like."
"Yeah she gets her good looks from me I-
"Manny I'm taking Diego for ice cream before I leave do you want to come with us, I'll let you drive." Santana emerges from a door behind the counter that I assume leads to the kitchen. As soon as I hear her voice I have to stop myself from running and hugging her. I don't think she's even noticed my presence yet because she's looking at her iPhone.
"Uh San I don't think you want to get ice cream right now."
"What why can't Santi and me get ice cream?" A little boy emerges from the same door Santana came out of. I just stare at all three of them; it's almost scary how much they all look alike.
"Who are you?" The little boy asks me, he looks so cute with his full black hair almost covering his eyes. He moves it out of the way and studies me more. After his question Santana's head shoots up to look at me to. As soon as our eyes lock I have to force myself to not shutter, and to stay still.
"Brittany?" She's gorgeous it's the first thing I notice. She was pretty the last time we met, but now that I can see her in the light of day she absolutely amazes me. My eyes couldn't possibly compare to hers they're big and brown I love them. I don't even think I'm breathing anymore I'm just taking in Santana and all of her glory.
"Santana" I whisper, but I know she heard me. She heard my whispers last time, if feel like if this room was filled with people Santana would still hear my whispers.
"What are you doing here?" She shakes her head I think she's scolding herself. "No I didn't mean it like that, I-I'm happy to see you again actually." I smile at this.
"Really?"
"Of course" It's her turn to smile and I felt my heart stop beating, her smile it was I can't even describe it. "What made you come back here though?"
"I told you I owed you remember."
"Why don't you go get ice cream with San? Santana's brother Manny says.
We just stare at each other I don't know what to say, and I don't think she does either.
"Who are you?" The little boy asks me again, and I look down at him.
"I'm Brittany." I smile at him shyly while he just stares back at me. There is no doubt that this is her brother too.
"Are you Santi's girlfriend?" He looks up at Santana. I knew it I knew it I knew it! No one even had to tell she wasn't straight I just knew it. "Why didn't you tell me you had another girlfriend Santi? She looks pretty to me." He turns around back to me. "You can get ice cream with us, but we have to hurry Santi has to go on a airplane soon." He grabs Santana's hand and pulls her forward then goes for my hand.
"Hold on a minute Diego!" Santana says, Diego that's so cute and fitting. "You don't know if Brittany has plans or something, she might be busy." She gives me an apologetic look.
I would've gone if they said they were going up to the roof to jump off. "I'm not doing anything." Way to sound desperate B.
Santana, Manny, and Diego all smile at me at the same time, I try to hold in my laughter it's like they all wanted me to say yes.
"Okay but Diego Brittany isn't my girlfriend." He looks down "oh I'm sorry."
"It's okay were friends though" she immediately looks back at me. "if that's okay with you that is."
I nod my head, "I'd like that." She smiles at me again I don't think I'll ever get tired of her smiling.
"Let's go get ice cream then." We arrive at Santana's car, and I'm so surprised at how nice it is. I thought my Range Rover was nice but Santana's car could easily compete with mine and probably win.
"I don't want to impose I can take my car, and just follow you there."
"Nonsense why would you do that?" Even when she's not trying she still makes me smile.
"Okay"
"Diego hop in the back little brother." Diego looks at me and is about to protest, but for some reason he doesn't. I feel bad for taking his spot and I'm about to tell him he can have it.
"It's okay Brittany you can sit by my sister." He's the cutest kid ever.
The car ride is silent except for the radio, and the dinosaur noises Diego makes while playing with his toys.
"Is this weird?" The question has been in my head since I met this woman.
"Is what weird?" She looks over at me before turning back to the road.
"All of this" I look back at Manny; I don't think anything could take his mind away from his triceratops right now. "We met 14 days ago because I was an emotional wreck, and now we're going to get ice cream with your little brother. Is that weird, or am I just crazy?"
"You've been counting the days?" Her face looks completely serious, and I feel so embarrassed. I'm about to come up with and excuse when a smirk forms on her face. I playfully hit her on her arm.
"It's not funny Santana that wasn't nice. I mean I wasn't intentionally counting it just… happened."
She laughs a little. "It's okay Britt don't worry I don't think you're that much of a crazy stalker." She smirks again… Wait did she call me Britt? She did, she called me Britt a fuzzy feeling goes through my body.
"To answer your question though I'm not really too sure, I don't feel like it's weird. Besides you weren't an emotional wreck your boyfriend-"
"Ex-boyfriend" She looks at me but quickly turns her head back.
"Ex- boyfriend" I see her smile to herself. "Cheated on you, you deserve to be a little sad because of that. If I'm not mistaken Diego practically forced you to come so there wasn't really any other options. If this is weird than I'm okay with being weird" she makes everything feel so easy.
"I'm okay with being weird too."
When we arrive at Dairy Queen, and order our ice cream cones Santana chocolate, Diego vanilla and strawberry for me. Santana says that we don't have that much time because she has to be at the airport in 45 minutes.
"So Diego how old are you" I ask.
"I'm this many" he holds out 4 fingers.
"Oh wow you're so big, and so smart, and very handsome" I mean every word.
"Santi says that when I get bigger I can get any girl I want."
"Oh really, I think she's right. All three of you could probably get any girl you wanted." I looked Santana dead in her eyes when I said the last part. I have no idea why but I quickly looked back at Diego.
She clears her throat, "I'm sorry to cut you guy's little date short but we have to wrap this up." Diego looks sad, I am too.
The ride back is silent she says nothing, and neither do I. We steal glances at each other it's almost like a game who can steal the most glances without getting caught. I look, then she looks, then I look and she looks I shouldn't be enjoying this as much as I am.
When we get back to the restaurant Diego runs out of the car something about needing to feed his dinosaurs. It's just us in the car.
"So…" She starts off.
"So…" I repeat back to her.
"You're okay right Brittany? I mean I know you broke up with your boyfriend and all, but you're taking care of yourself and stuff right?" I give her a sad smile.
"Yes I'm okay Santana it's still really hard, but I know it will get better. Today proved that to me."
She looks at me like she's so happy. "You had a good time?"
"The best time"
"Well you deserve that ya know, the best." I feel my face heat up at those words.
We get out of her car, and she walks me to mine. "Well I hope you had a really good date with Diego I was glad I could be your chauffeur." I laugh, and roll my eyes.
"You're not even funny Santana."
"Yes I am your laughing."
"Let me see your phone." She doesn't even ask why, or question me she just reaches in her back pocket and hands it to me never breaking eye contact. I type in my number and save it as Britt.
"Hit me up sometime Santana."
"Will do Brittany" We stare at each other for a little while longer. I have to do it, if I don't do it I feel like it will be one of the biggest mistakes ever, so I just go for it. As soon as I wrap my arms around her neck I'm met with a vanilla scent, probably the best smell ever. My heart is beating so hard, I'm scared she won't hug me back. To my surprise a second later her arms wrap around my waist. I can't help but think about how I feel in her arms. Safe, secure, happy, we fit together just right. That's the perfect word to describe all of this: right. It feels so right I can't help but think all my other problems completely vanish.
She let's go first, but I don't think she wanted to. I didn't want her to let go either, but all good things must come to an end.
"So I guess I'll see ya around."
"Yeah I guess" I look down at my feet.
"What's wrong Britt?" This time it's her turn to whisper.
"I-It's just is it weird that I don't want you to go." I whisper still looking down. "You've made me feel so much better Santana I don't want to lose this feeling because I don't know when I'll get it back again."
"Look at me please Brittany." I slowly lift my head up to look and my favorite brown eyes. "Brittany you're going to be okay I know you are, and no it's not weird because I don't want to go either. I'll be back soon though, and we will hang out I promise, I really don't like it when you're sad especially when it's my fault."
My heart is beating so fast I don't know why I haven't dropped dead yet. She looked at me like she meant every word she said, and I believe her too. "I understand Santana thank you for everything, and for ice cream."
"No problem." She smiles at me.
Before I get in my car I turn around one more time. "Hey Santana" she turns around almost before I even said anything.
"Yeah Brittany?"
"Take care of yourself while you're gone okay."
She winks at me and I laugh. "You take care of yourself too Brittany" and with that she went back into the restaurant.
Pulling out of the parking lot I start to think. The same day I find out Conner is cheating is the same day I met Santana there's got to be some sort of coincidence in that right? Most people would call me crazy I just left my boyfriend of 6 months, and now I'm doing whatever this is with Santana. All I know is whatever this is with her is the only thing that is making me happy right now.
