Chapter 2: Jim: What to Sacrifice

Summary: He'd ached for Bones for 9 years and now… now it was time to let it all go. The universe had given him luck in his career, and he guessed it was just karma that Jim Kirk would never find love in all the ways it truly mattered.


Notes: Chapter two is from Jim's point of view and is an interlude rather than a full-blown chapter. Thank you everyone who reviewed yesterday. I'll try to keep updates coming!


Jim shifted restlessly on the sofa. He tried to stretch out but his legs hit the arm and he ended up curling them back up again. He pulled the blanket up, over his shoulder, trying to get comfortable again without his butt sinking between the cushions of the couch.

His mind continued to race through the events of the day. The excitement on the Enterprise as they entered the lunar dock, the air tinged with sadness but no regrets. Jim remembered smiling for them all, even as his heart sank and nausea spread through him at the thought of returning to Earth. He knew many of them wouldn't return to serve under him. They would either be promoted or choose an Earth-based position for their next assignment.

He suspected Bones was amongst those who wouldn't be re-joining him. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and not dwell on it.

When Joanna had stepped forward on the transporter pad, hazel eyes bright and nervous, he hadn't known what to expect. He'd known she was Bones' daughter; she shared the same expressions of her father, though he knew that Bones would never claim to have done much to raise her. Still, Jim could see Bones reflected in her smile, her mannerisms, the way her brows drew into a slightly worried frown.

He turned again on the sofa.

Bones had been by his side from Day One. He'd sat there on that shuttle beside Jim and spewed bourbon and fast food all over his shoes. At the time, Jim hadn't been amused, but now he felt a certain wistfulness. He'd been naïve and young and hadn't understood everything that McCoy had been trying to tell him on that flight. Not that he agreed with the sentiments expressed now, of course, but he at least knew the mind-set behind them.

While they'd been waiting at the lunar dock to return to Earth, Jim knew he had acted in a selfish fashion. He had known Bones had probably not made plans to return to the Enterprise, and still he'd talked to the other like this was merely leave before they went back up into the black. He'd thought that perhaps if he needled enough, he could convince Bones to come along for another ride through space. But then Jim had seen him greet Joanna. The way his face had lit up like a thousand sons and how uncertain he looked.

Not even Jim was enough of an asshole to try to separate them again. Not just for himself.

He'd have Spock, of course. The Vulcan wouldn't dream of abandoning him, much to Uhura's dismay. She'd probably come along too, to keep an eye on Spock. Scotty would never abandon the Enterprise, so Jim supposed if he got to keep her, he'd be working with Scotty again.

But not Bones.

And that was what it came down to in the end.

During his first year at the Academy, Jim had hounded the grumpy doctor into a reluctant friendship, dragging him out drinking, forcing him to meet girls. McCoy had growled and snarled and pretty much gone along with whatever Jim wanted, letting himself be dragged into places where he had the potential to be the oldest one there and weathering it, propping himself up at the bar while Jim chatted up conquest after conquest.

In their second year, they had roomed together. Jim smiled, wearily, as he thought of himself back then. He'd so gradually become attracted to Bones that he'd not even noticed it. In his mind, everyone flirted with Bones, everyone would lean against him, seek out his company, get him drunk and crawl into bed with him… It wasn't until Gaila had pointed it out that Jim realised that he was definitely falling for his best friend.

Sex is fun, Jim, but a connection like you have with Doctor McCoy is funner. That is not the correct word, I know, but you understand its meaning I think.

Once she'd pointed it out, he noticed every little thing he did and began to conundrum of whether or not to stop. Bones had never made any overt moves showing he was interested in men as well as women and Jim didn't want to make the first move. Didn't want to push anything that might end their friendship. He pushed it down within him, forcing it away from the surface and trying not to notice when he acted on his emotional instincts.

Tried not to act too concerned when Bones worked thirty six out of forty eight hours and only had time to sleep before he was back at the hospital. Tried not to notice when Bones' t-shirt pulled tight across his chest when he was working out. Tried not to run his hands through Bones' hair on night's out, to make it mussed and sexy looking.

At the start of their third year, Bones had started dating one of the nurses. It had been a brief tryst that ended quickly but Jim had felt the burning jealousy within him, the crushing weight of disappointment that Bones really wasn't interested in him, despite him always having been there for the other.

He went back to his old lifestyle, picking up women, men, beings in bars and fucking them in alleyways, cars, toilets, before coming back reeking of sex and booze. Sometimes he'd get into a bar fight, come back with black eyes and Bones would tut at him and regenerate his face. Sometimes Jim picked fights just to feel those cool fingertips on his face and felt pathetic about it.

Bones blamed his third year relapse on failing the Kobayashi Maru and Jim allowed him to believe it, taking the test again just to continue to live the lie.

He'd pushed the feelings down deep inside and tried to ignore them as best he could. Over their five year mission, he'd struggled, determined to never let it slip that he might have feelings beyond friendship for his CMO.

He knew he'd slipped at times. He was certain Spock knew, had seen it in his mind, in his expression, through his touch telepathy. Even so, his First Officer had made no mention of it directly and Jim didn't even know what he'd say if he did. It wasn't like Spock was one to give relationship advice and Jim couldn't think of anyone worse to talk to about unrequited love.

He'd ached for Bones for 9 years and now… now it was time to let it all go. The universe had given him luck in his career, and he guessed it was just karma that Jim Kirk would never find love in all the ways it truly mattered.

He rested his hand on his stomach.

There was more to worry about than just his crew though. Yesterday had brought forward some interesting comments from the Admiralty. The word commodore had been bandied about, with all the ramifications such a promotion might have. Jim knew that if they acted and promoted him, he was going to lose the Enterprise.

That was a concern. He could give up Bones, because he'd never had a claim on anything other than Bones' friendship in the first place, but the Enterprise? He would rather have cut off his own arm than handed over his Silver Lady to another captain.

And Commodore usually equated desk job and Jim didn't think he could give up space. He would end up driving Corvettes off cliffs again, he knew it. He could give up one or the other, but not both.

Things had been easier on the mission. Jim would take a hundred emergencies over the decisions that were to be made now he returned.

He reached out for the bourbon bottle Bones had left on the table, snagging it with his fingertips and unscrewing the cap. He swigged it, tasting Bones on his tongue, or at least how he'd always imagined the other to taste.

"Fuck."

The next morning came too quickly. Jim had finally drank enough bourbon to feel floaty by 4am but by 7am he'd been woken by birds and sunlight and morning traffic.

He grabbed his PADD and checked his newsfeed. Stories of the Enterprise's return flooded the news channels. He was surprised to find that they'd made the front page of a lot of news sites as well.

Almost all the sites were suing the same photo, himself standing awkwardly as Joanna's arms wrapped around his shoulders. Beside her, slightly out of focus, was Bones. He wore a half-smile, half-frown that Jim was pretty sure only a McCoy could pull off.

The broadsheets ran headlines about their discoveries, the historical precedent that had been set, the career of his main officers. The tabloids speculated who the girl in the photo was, whether Jim was going to settle down and get married soon and whether or not the Enterprise crew deserved the title 'Hottest Crew in all of Starfleet'.

Jim heard the lounge door open and glanced up. It was Joanna, stepping out of her room hesitantly. Jim had noticed that she seemed uneasy, nervous, and was treating the place like she didn't belong in it. He guessed she needed time to adapt and that there was a huge difference between seeing someone through a video and seeing them in person.

She was dressed already, a yellow sundress that hugged her slight waist and flared down to the knee. Sophisticated for a teenager, but she wore it well. Her eyes darted to him on the couch as he moved and drew attention to himself. He grinned reassuringly.

She gave him a somewhat hesitant smile back. Her hair was down, carefully styled up into a bun and Jim could tell in the morning light that it was a few shades lighter than Bones'. She was also wearing make-up and it seemed to transform her face from the little girl Jim was used to seeing to that of a young woman.

He had always been able to see the features she got from her father, hazel eyes and rather full lips, but the blusher had highlighted delicate cheekbones and a fragile nose that definitely didn't belong to Bones.

"Good morning," he said, sitting up and hoping she didn't question the fact that he'd slept in his clothes from the previous day. She clasped her hands in front of her.

"Good morning Ca-Jim," she said, smiling a little hestitantly and stepping further into the room. She looked around for a moment, looking a little lost before turning back to him.

"Is Dad up?" she asked. Jim knew Bones was likely to sleep in late if he got the chance to, especially as they'd drank a fair bit of bourbon together after Joanna had gone to bed the previous night. He looked over at her, seeing the innocent expression on her face and let his lips quirk into a smile. Mischief lit up his eyes.

"Not yet, but he could be."

Five minutes later Jim had barricaded himself in the bathroom, laughing so hard that tears ran down his cheeks as Bones hollered from outside in very precise detail how he was going to dismember him and use various chemicals to dissolve the body.

"It was just ice water Bones! No one died!" Jim protested as he struggled to breathe through the laughter.

"You're dead, Jim. Absolutely, one hundred percent, dead."