Miss Bowen was another turning point in Leela's life. Leela had just been caught vandalising (again) and so she was moved (again). When she went to her new school, and was mandated to see yet another school counsellor, she didn't expect much. What she found was a small woman with intense brown eyes, who actually, somehow, made Leela want to talk. Although Miss Bowen didn't say much, what she did say had a way of making Leela think.
Most of all, Miss Bowen *believed*. She *believed* in Leela, that she could make something of her life. She *believed* that Leela had a sharp mind, no matter what her test scores were. And she *believed* enough in Leela that Leela started to believe in herself too.
And that changed *everything*.
XxxxxxX
"Hey," I said, putting my books and things on the table and sitting down next to her.
She did a kind of double take. "What are you doing here?"
I flicked my eyes towards the books in front of me. "Studying."
"But this is the law library," she hissed, then stopped for a second before continuing, "You aren't studying law, are you?"
"Wouldn't you have noticed that?"
"So, again, what are you doing here?"
"I hadn't seen you recently."
She looked down, avoiding my gaze. "I've been busy."
"I'm almost missing the cheery invitations to go out with your friends."
She bit her lip. "So am I."
Oh. "What's happened?"
She shrugged. "Somehow, people keep on forgetting to invite me along."
"Dan?"
"Maybe. I don't know. Does it matter?" she asked quietly.
Of course, Dan always had more time, because Alicia was bound and determined to come first in her class, and that took *effort*.
So, when it came down to it, if it was a choice between her and Dan...
I couldn't really blame the rest of them.
I completely blamed the rest of them.
"Will?" I asked.
"New girlfriend. I don't want to interfere." She sounded a little guilty just at the thought.
Mentioning that Will might not mind interference from Alicia probably wouldn't help, so I didn't.
"Well, you have me. On the rare occasions we're both free."
"Thanks," she said, smiling.
I somehow managed to avoid flinching when she moved her hand over mine.
I even managed to avoid flinching when I realised that I actually *liked* it.
"So," she said, looking over at the books I had stacked. "What *are* you studying? Since you've been so coy about the subject."
"Nothing to do with my major," I said with faint amusement.
"A clue! So your major isn't," her brow wrinkled slightly, "to do with... Literary Studies?"
"Nothing at all." I shrugged. "Unless I'm lying, of course."
She looked wryly at me. "Well, in that case, I need an investigator, don't I? Know where I could find one?"
"I've heard that there's a good one around."
"I have a case for them, if so."
"Tricky?"
"The hardest."
"What is it?"
"I need to know what one Kalinda Sharma is hiding from me."
For a moment the air left my body.
I couldn't move.
I was frozen.
And then the moment passed, and I could breathe again.
It was just a joke.
She didn't mean anything by it.
The scary part - the *really* scary part - was that one small, tiny, part of me wanted to answer.
But that was never going to happen.
And I could even fake a smile. "Some things are just too difficult."
"Pity," she said, and sighed. "And now I need to get back to this."
I didn't say anything in response, just picked up my pen, and started leafing through my books. We worked together in companionable silence.
XxxxxxX
Leela had a plan. She researched the steps necessary and pursued them with single-minded dedication.
Her grades sharply improved. Instead of being at the middle, tending towards the bottom, she started getting near top grades. She started doing out of school activities that might improve her eligiblity for college scholarships. And she started keeping out of trouble, using the fresh start to impress the teachers at her new school.
XxxxxxX
I was half way through cooking dinner for the both of us some weeks later when I realised how *normal* this had become.
Not just cooking dinner, but being around someone else. The same someone.
It was nice. It lent structure to the day. And it meant that I had a regular eating pattern, as opposed to snatching a bite to eat whenever I surfaced from work and study.
"Hey," Alicia said, moving up from behind to lean against me. "That smells nice. What's in it?"
I turned to answer, and realised that our faces were far too close together, that I could feel her breath on my face.
And I realised...
That I wanted more. That I liked her as a friend, but I also liked her in the other way as well.
That what I really wanted to do right now was tilt forward and kiss her.
And, before my self preservation could kick in to stop me, I did just that.
It wasn't one of my normal kisses.
It wasn't demanding, controlling, sexual.
It wasn't hard, promising one night of pleasure and nothing more.
It was soft.
It was the kind of kiss that might promise things, other things.
It was...
It was...
And the harsh scent of smoke almost overwhelmed me again.
When my head cleared, taking a second, just a second, I was staring at Alicia's startled, confused, shocked face from half the kitchen away. I wasn't sure if she or I or both had moved.
It didn't matter.
I had to get out of here.
Now.
XxxxxxX
Hey Sis,
You know that you're always on at me to get better grades? Well, guess who got an A for their last Math test?
Maybe you could come down for Christmas to celebrate?
XxxxxxX
This time, we made it simple.
This time, we avoided each other.
No text messages, no emails, no calls for almost two weeks.
When one finally did come, it was almost innocuous, an invite to a group meetup at a bar.
I went, of course.
The masochistic part of me compelled me. It couldn't let me stay away.
XxxxxxX
It wasn't hard to spot the crowd of them. Dan wasn't there, of course, but most of the rest of them were. Will and his girlfriend. Alicia. And a man I didn't recognise, sitting next to her, arm around her.
As I approached, Alicia's eyes were on me and challenging.
I looked away first.
It didn't hurt.
"Hey," I greeted the group and grabbed a seat next to Will. His girlfriend glared at me, and I offered a slight smile in return.
"This is Chris," said Alicia. He waved his hand at me, and I gave what might loosely pass for a welcoming smile.
The conversation resumed, as I did my usual thing of sitting back and observing. I had formed an instinctive dislike of Chris as I had walked over, but he made my life so much easier by opening his mouth. He was loud, had a tendency to let everyone know what Alicia's opinion was for her (especially when he was wrong) and tightened his hand possessively on her every time another man so much as looked at her.
She deserved so much better than him it hurt.
He must have had his good qualities but, frankly, I couldn't see them.
So I just stayed quiet, and ignored the way that Alicia's eyes kept drifting in my direction.
She caught up with me later when I went to the washroom.
"This isn't about you," was the first thing she said.
I raised an eyebrow in her direction.
"I'm not gay."
"Never thought you were."
She continued on as though I hadn't spoken. "Not that I have a problem with people who are. My *brother* is gay. But I'm not."
"Glad we have that established."
"It was just a mistake."
That hurt. It shouldn't have done. It *had* been a mistake, after all.
But it did.
"Okay."
She stopped for a moment, looked at me. "So... are we still friends?"
I shouldn't have friends. If there was anything this mess should have taught me, it was that.
I wasn't *that* kind of person.
But... "Sure," I said.
She smiled, looking relieved. "Good," she said, bustling out of the restroom.
That was...
That was something I *had* to take at face value.
I didn't have an option.
Because if I even contemplated any other meaning to what she had said...
No.
And, besides, no matter what she said, there was no way that she was going to invite me back any time ever.
XxxxxxX
You know what, Leela?
Screw you.
You always promised that you wouldn't abandon me, not like everyone else, but you're just the same.
As soon as you had a chance at something better, you raced off after it and left me behind.
And, no, emails are not enough.
So, I repeat: Screw you.
XxxxxxX
For once, I was right. Alicia didn't offer to see me any place that wasn't public, and I didn't ask.
It hurt, but it was a good pain.
It reminded me why I was here, and why I wasn't.
It reminded me why I didn't have any friends (again).
It reminded me why I shouldn't even dream of anything more. (Though the only dreams I remembered these days consisted mostly of flames.)
Chris didn't improve on further exposure, but showed no signs of going anywhere. If anything, he seemed fixed like a limpet to Alicia, though that was possibly just when I saw them.
And, after a few months, Will lost his girlfriend again.
How positively careless of him.
And so, as though Will being on the market again gave her permission, the dance of Alicia's eyes started again.
Only this time, their targets were both me and Will.
And whenever their path crossed me, it felt like fire.
XxxxxxX
After a few weeks of this, I collared Will after we had left the bar one evening.
"You need to make a move on Alicia," I informed him.
If she was with someone she *wanted*, she'd stop *looking* at me like that.
She had to.
He looked defeated. "It doesn't work that way with her. I told you that."
"He's wrong for her."
"At least there's something we can agree on," he said, grinning a little, but his eyes weren't laughing. They were full of... what? Want? Longing? Something else?
All for Alicia.
I moved my face close to Will's, tilted up to look at him.
"What?" he asked, but I could read in his dilating pupils that he knew.
"You're a good looking guy, you know that?" I breathed.
He was, but that wasn't why I was doing this.
"How did we get..? What're we doing here?" Will this screw things up with Alicia, I could see him think.
Alicia, Alicia, always Alicia.
"What I'm doing is very simple." I went up on my tiptoes and, very slowly, kissed him, giving him every opportunity to stop me.
He didn't.
"I don't do relationships," I told him. "I'll have sex with you, or I'll have sex with someone else. Your choice."
But I wanted him, as I pressed another kiss on his lips, slow and deep and hot.
I wanted to have sex with the part of him that was forever Alicia's, the part I had seen shining in his eyes, the part that was going to be the closest I'd ever get to Alicia.
"And tomorrow?" he asked a little breathlessly.
"Tomorrow can take care of itself. This is just one night."
XxxxxxX
Nothing like this happened for Vidhya. They were still best friends, and, over the course of one glorious summer, became something more before Vidhya was moved again. But Vidhya was learning other skills, more practical skills. Always watchful, because of the life they lived, she taught herself how to be more proactive, how to find things out, how to piece facts together and how to put them to use.
In an apparently unrelated happenstance, Vidhya and Vijay were moved to the same town as Leela during this period, and weren't moved again, even after Vidhya was caught acting out again..
XxxxxxX
In the next few months, it turned out that there were a fair few just one nights.
XxxxxxX
"Oh!"
The familiar sounding gasp caused me to break off kissing Will.
It had been one of *those* nights out, and I'd needed something to distract me, to drive unwelcome thoughts from my head. So I'd pounced on Will as soon as we were alone, and dragged him out of the way.
Apparently not out of the way enough, looking at Alicia's shocked face.
"I'm- I'm sorry," she stammered, then disappeared.
Will looked at me. "Do you want to go after her?"
I looked back at him. "Do you?"
"I don't think Chris would appreciate me doing that. What's your excuse?"
I didn't think that Alicia would appreciate me approaching her away from everyone else. But I couldn't say that. So I just shrugged. "We're not that close."
I could see Will's internal debate about whether or not he was going to ask, but in the end he just nodded. "Are you okay, then? You were pretty adamant about no one else knowing about us."
I only cared about one person knowing, and, well, there was nothing to be done about that now.
And even she shouldn't matter.
So I smiled, reached forward and gently stroked Will's cheek. "I like you, Will. But there is no 'us' for anyone to know about."
I didn't want to lead him on, have him expect anything from me. This was just an interlude, until... until Alicia finally wised up and ditched Chris. Then she could have Will, and I...
I could feel whole again.
A look flitted across Will's face, but was gone before I could decipher it. I could probably guess, anyway. "So, Alicia?" he asked.
"It was just two people kissing. I'm sure she'll get over the embarrassment." I didn't know what else either of us could do anyway.
Will seemed unsatisfied, but didn't say anything, so I guessed that he didn't have any better ideas either.
"So, shall we move some place where no one else will trip over us?" I asked him.
Now more than ever I needed the distraction.
He held up his hands. "Sorry. I think the magic of it is gone for the evening."
"Fine." It wasn't as though I didn't have other options open.
"Do you want me to walk you back?"
I gave him a tight smile. "I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Don't you think that you should see who is banging at your door?" Maria whispered.
I kissed her softly. "You've no idea how hard it is to leave you just now," I told her, before levering myself up and wrapping my dressing gown around my body.
Maria was sweet. She made it so much easier to feel like Leela again, after time spent... not.
And, especially now, I needed that.
I took a deep breath, let it out, and arranged a smile on my face before opening the door. "Yes?" I asked.
It was Alicia.
An Alicia who was looking over my sex-rumpled appearance with dawning horror and flushing cheeks.
"Kalinda?" she whispered.
I couldn't say anything, couldn't move, couldn't even think.
"Oh, god," she said, almost squeaking. "I can't believe that I've done this to you twice in one night."
I knew that I had let slip where I lived, but...
Her, here, now, unprepared...
I wasn't sure how to act, caught in transition.
"Did she call you 'Kalinda'?" asked Maria. She shuffled up the door, having apparently pulled on a long t-shirt, and looked out curiously, wrapping an arm around me.
Leela always was much more tactile than Kalinda.
Alicia's expression shifted from shock towards anger.
Both she and Maria spoke at the same time.
"Is she one of your cases?" asked Maria.
"I can't believe that you'd do this to Will," Alicia spat. And then, "What do you mean 'one of your cases'?"
Oh god, I just about had time to think.
Maria was nice, but she had very little filter, and she knew entirely too much from when I was still navigating between openess and, well, being Kalinda.
"She only goes by the name 'Kalinda' when she's investigating," Maria said brightly. "The rest of the time..."
Alicia's face went pale and angry. "So that's it? I'm a *case*? And you think that you can just string Will along, before going home to..." She gestured wildly at Maria, then shook her head and marched off down the corridor.
I raced after her, heedless of the fact that my dressing gown was flapping open. "You don't understand..." I said, grabbing her by the shoulder.
She spun around, throwing my hand off and glaring daggers at me. In far too level a voice, she said: "And I don't care to. You're a liar and a cheat, and I want nothing to do with you. Just leave me alone." She then turned her back on me and walked out of the building without looking back once.
Maria came up and tried to put her arm around me. I flinched away and started walking back to my room.
"Leela?" she asked. "What's wrong?"
I stopped. I should open up, talk to her about it, but I couldn't.
It was Kalinda's business, not Leela's.
And it was Alicia, who was still tied up in a knot around my heart.
I just couldn't.
I looked back at Maria, and gave her the best smile I was capable of just now. "I'm sorry. I'm just really tired all of as sudden."
Maria frowned, looking concerned. "Are you sure? I've never seen you all closed off like that."
I shook my head. "Nothing that a good night's sleep won't cure."
She still seemed unconvinced, but she didn't push it further. That was one of the reasons I liked her. "Well, if you're sure. I'll just grab my things..."
She dressed quickly in my room, then studied me closely, clearly giving me the opportunity to unburden myself, if I wanted to.
I smiled fondly at her. "I liked having you over and I'm sorry we had to cut it short. See you in classes tomorrow?"
She scrutinised me for a moment longer, then returned my smile. "Sure," she said. "See you tomorrow." And, with a kiss on the cheek and a wave goodnight, Maria took her leave.
I just about managed to shut the door behind her before collapsing in tears.
Being Leela was always good for that.
