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Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe
We all know of the Atlantis expedition. Expedition of smart, cunning, brave men and women, who chose to risk their lives for us, left on Earth. For us, who don't even know what' s going on. Well, we never will, but that is not my point. My point is that there are infinite variations of universe... They were smart, cunning and brave in that one alright. Sadly that's not the case in this universe....
EPISODE 3 – REALITY TV
A puddle jumper is flying through vastness of space. Inside it there are Sheppard, Lorne, Ford, McKay, Zelenka and the newly acquired asset – Teyla.
McKay (mimicking Dr. Weir): Your team will consist of six people, because six is my favourite number. Crazy bitch! Maybe next time she should go inside a puddle jumper with five other people.
Sheppard (from the pilot's seat): Come on! Calm down a bit, will ya?
McKay: Calm down? Why the hell should I calm down? I have every right to be upset! Look! (points to the space around his legs) You can't even sit normally in this flying tube!
Ford: It seems that you're the only one who has problems McKay!
McKay (irritated): Because I'm more sensitive than you are! I'm not used to all this military stuff!
Zelenka interrupts the snorting McKay
Zelenka: Guys, I'm picking up some strange readings from the planet in the vicinity.
McKay: What kind of readings?
Zelenka: Strange readings! Look, I can't be certain, but it looks like a faint energy signature from, I don't know, a computer of some sort maybe?
McKay: Yeah, you're probably right!
Zelenka: I am?
McKay: Sheppard, we should go check it out!
Lorne: What for?
McKay: Well for starters: it may be built by Ancients and therefore powered by a Zed-PM.
Ford: A ZPM powered computer?
Sheppard: I don't know about you guys, but I think it's worth checking it out.
Lorne: I don't know, man. Weir said 'go ride a puddle jumper and relax a bit', not 'go ride a puddle jumper and relax a bit, but if anything interesting comes up, go check it out'.
Sheppard: There might be a ZPM on that planet! C'mon, it'll be fun!
Lorne: Like the last time? On that hive?
Sheppard: Maybe even more!
Lorne: Dude, I'm so in!
So they fly their little space tube towards the planet and land it some half a mile away form the signal. 33 minutes and 17 seconds later they're already on their way back to the puddle jumper.
Zelenka: Don't blame me Rodney! You said I was probably right!
McKay: Yes! Probably!
Zelenka: How was I supposed to know that it's a galactic bitTorrent server?
McKay: Well if you would be smart enough you would see that those energy signatures represent data transfer and if you were really smart you would check and see what kind of data transfer are we talking about! Fuckin' torrents! Torrents! I can't believe we came here for nothing!
Ford: Well we wouldn't come here for nothing if you wouldn't mention that stupid Zed-PM of yours!
McKay: Don't blame me, you skinny little prick!
Ford: Major, permission to shoot this annoying son of bitch!
Sheppard turns around and gives it a thought but he eventually says no to Ford's proposition.
McKay: You weren't actually thinking of giving him permission, right?
Sheppard: I did thought about it, so be a nice puppy from now on or else I'll reconsider Ford's idea, OK?
McKay (with a trembling voice): OK.
The team returns to the jumper and they fly back to Atlantis. They actually enjoy the trip since McKay's mouth is shut for the entire duration of the flight. However, the journey is long and they arrive exhausted so all of them go straight to their beds. A few hours later in the middle of the night, Ford wakes up. He takes his radio and calls doctor Beckett.
Ford:
Could you prescribe some medications,
'cause I cannot sleep,
in my head all those mutilations,
they're making me weep.
Beckett: Son, why are you talking in rhymes? Have you been sniffing that drug Athosians brought with them, again?
Ford:
The drug has nothing to do with condition I'm in,
it's what have I done and where have I been.
Beckett: My lord, you're high as the sky! Come to the infirmary I'll help you out.
Beckett hurries to the infirmary, just to find out that Ford is already there, pointing a... a flamethrower at him!
Beckett: Lieutenant, what are you doing?
Ford (points away from the door, towards the center of the room):
Nice and quiet just step over there
or else you will burn - whole, not just your hair!
Beckett sees something is really wrong with the young lieutenant and figures that it's best to do as he says. Ford closes the door and smashes the console, preventing entry to any uninvited guest. But in an instant someone knocks on the door. Beckett wants to answer, but Ford hints him it wouldn't be a good idea.
Beckett(whispering): I have to say something, or whoever is at that door will know something is wrong.
Ford(also whispering):
Answer, but don't make a mistake,
or else in an instant your life I shall take!
Beckett can't believe Ford is threatening him, but even more awkward is that he's threatening him in rhymes. Ford is no poet, everyone in Atlantis knows that!
Beckett: A... (coughs) Aye? Who is it?
A semi-retarded voice is heard from the other side. It's captain Rogue - the flamethrower guy.
Rogue: Doc? Is you inside?
Ford gives Beckett a sign he can proceed.
Rogue: Doc? I has already been to your room. You was not there. Is no use hiding!
Beckett: Aye, son! I'm here! But I'm a little bit busy now, so if you don't mind...
Rogue: I just need sleep pills. Someone stole my baby. No baby, no sleep!
Beckett: Your... Oh, son! You mean your flamethrower, don't you?
Rogue(with the saddest and most desperate voice you've ever heard): Myyyyy baaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy!
With insane Ford pointing 'Rogues baaaaaaaaabbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyy' at him, Beckett knows he must send the captain away.
Beckett: I wish I could help you, but I can not at the moment. Go see that hot german psychiatrist. Go! Please!
Rogue: Nobody loves us! It is just me and my baaaaaaaaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
The flamethrower guy cries away. Desperate sounds of loneliness can be heard throughout the entire section of the city...
Beckett: Now that he is gone, could you please point this weapon away from me? I'll cooperate. Just tell me what's bothering you son!
Ford:
Doctor, your help is what I need
I have come to you because...
Beckett: Oh for crying out loud, would you please stop talking in rhymes?
Ford:
This is how I am, this is how I operate
and you will die if you don't cooperate!
Beckett: OK! I'm not playing this game anymore, either you tell me what did you take, or shoot me, or should I say burn me! And before you engage in your Poetry Mode, let me tell you this: the Ford I know CAN'T RHYME!!! He's the worst poet in Atlantis!
Ford:
Be silent now and mark my word
I can rhyme 'cos I'm not Ford!
Beckett: What do you mean you're not Ford? What the hell is going on with you?
Ford:
You seem OK, so I'll make a confession
this is the body in my possession...
Meanwhile Beckett and Ford, or not Ford, have their debate, Grodin and Weir come out of her office into the control room. It's now really early in the morning.
Dr. Weir: Oh Peter, you're such a stud! I didn't expect you to hold on almost all night! (She sees some of the technicians, who overhear her words) Khm... now go back to your fancy ancient... whatever is it called... and... you know... do what you do best. Oh, and tonight, bring me that report! You know which one don't you? (There is this smile on her face. A smile which from now on will be known as PORNO SMILE)
Grodin: We'll do! And may I say that... we have may a problem!
Dr. Weir: Peter! What are you talking about? I thought that things between us are...
Grodin: ...no, I'm talking about this! (he shows her the data projected on the screen, it's in ancient)
Dr. Weir: Oh my god, no!(a moment passes) What does it say?
Grodin: There are massive power fluctuations in the infirmary! I better call Rodney!
Dr. Weir: Oh, Peter you're so smart! Listen, I'll head back to my bed for a few hours or so, you completely exhausted me!
Grodin: What? You can't go to sleep now! We're in the middle of the situation!
Dr. Weir: We're always in the middle of a situation! Peter, if you can handle me, you can handle this too, believe me!
Grodin: Your words are most flattering my love! Very well. I'll take care for this!
Weir goes to sleep and grodin calls Rodney via the ASSS, but Rodney only mumbles something about not going to school, because there are mean kids there, and then he doesn't respond anymore. So they call Zelenka. He responds, but he isn't happy that they woke him up this early in the morning.
Zelenka (to Grodin): Yes,yes! Call the Czech guy if it is to early for the great Rodney McKay...
Grodin: I'm sorry, but you really need to see this!
Zelenka looks at the data projected in the screen
Zelenka: What is causing this?
Grodin: I have no idea!
Zelenka: What do they say in the infirmary?
Grodin: Ehm... the infirmary?
Zelenka: Yes, the infirmary. You did ask what's going on, right?
Grodin: Yeah... we kinda forgot...
Zelenka starts to speak Czech. They don't know what the words mean exactly, but they can guess it's a lot of cursing involved... So, the 2nd smartest guy in the galaxy calls to the infirmary.
Zelenka: This is Dr. Zelenka, the Czech guy, calling the infirmary, Dr. Zelenka calling the infirmary. What's going on down there?
The infirmary
Beckett: I really should respond to that or else will both be in trouble.
Ford:
You may respond and you may tell,
but betray me and this will not end well!
Beckett: Dr. Zelenka! This is Dr. Beckett!
Zelenka: Doctor, what is going on down there? We're detecting massive energy fluctuations from your position.
Beckett: Aye, the fluctuations most definitely come from this rhyming entity which, by the way, is pointing a flamethrower at me.
Grodin: Could you repeat that, doctor?
Beckett: I'm here with some sort of entity, which is possessing Lieutenant Ford. It's communicating with me in rhymes.
Grodin: Was he sniffing that drug...
Zelenka: Shut up Grodin! Did you say in rhymes?
Beckett: Are you deaf? That's what I said, didn't I? Anyways, it wants me to design some sort of medicine.
At that moment Sheppard, Lorne and Teyla come to the control room.
Sheppard: What's going on?
Grodin: What are you doing up so early?
Lorne: Ha! Me, Sheppard and Teyla were...
Teyla: ...running!
Sheppard: Yup... Running (PORNO SMILE) So... What's going on?
Beckett: Is that Sheppard?
Sheppard: Yup, me, Lorne, Teyla... We're all here! You need help?
Beckett: No! No! I'm fine! Thank you very much for asking!
Teyla: Something is wrong! I can hear it in his voice!
Zelenka: He's held hostage by Ford!
Beckett: Radek!!!
Zelenka: Sorry!
Lorne: Ford? Ford! Have you been sniffing that Athosian drug again???
Sheppard: We have to get them out!
Beckett: NO! Wait!
Zelenka: Sheppard wait! Beckett's right. You can't just storm into the place!
Sheppard: Why not? Storming is fun!
Lorne: Damn right it is!
Beckett: COULD YOU ALL SHUT UP PLEASE!!!????
Zelenka: Sorry, doctor. You were saying?
Becket: Ford isn't exactly himself!
Lorne: Well, the drug is some serious shit, man...
Beckett: It's not the drug, you moron!
Sheppard: Then what is it?
Beckett: You would know already if you would let me tell you! Ford is possessed with some alien entity and that's what you see on your monitors. It's energy. And this energy is to strong for Fords body. So I need to design some sort of medicine which will help him regenerate the cells or he will die!
Sheppard: And if you CAN design the drug? Then what?
Beckett: I don't know yet. We haven't come that far.
Sheppard: Let me speak to Ford.
Beckett: He can hear you major!
Sheppard: Oh, right! Hey you alien entity! Surrender or die!
Zelenka: What are you doing?
Sheppard: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm negotiating!
Beckett: Negotiating? Call Dr. Weir, she's a renown negotiator? She should negotiate!
Grodin: Good idea!I'll go wake her up.
Lorne: Don't be to long! (porno smile)
Grodin gets Weir and after a quickie (probably) they join the others.
Dr. Weir: What's going on?
Sheppard: Beckett is held hostage by Ford in the infirmary, so we thought, since you are a negotiator, you might wanna negotiate!
Dr. Weir: Negotiator? I'm no negotiator!
Zelenka: What do you mean? You are Elizabeth Weir, the best negotiator on Earth!
Dr. Weir: Oh, no, you must have mistaken me for Elisabeth Weir! You know with the S!
Beckett: Oh my god. I'm so dead!
Sheppard: Calm down, we'll get you out of this. Both of you! Now entity, tell us what you want.
Ford:
First, the doctor will make the drug work
or else, he'll be roasted as a pork,
then you will let me through the gate
so once again I can join my mate!
Sheppard: I think it's trying to tell us something!
Dr. Weir: Yes, but what? It's talking in riddles! Maybe we should wake up Rodney!
Beckett: It's not talking in riddles. It was pretty straight forward! I must make the drug to work, then it wants us to let him go!
Lorne: I'm okay with it!
They all agree with Major Lorne.
Beckett: You don't understand it will take Fords body with it!
Sheppard: What?! We can't allow that!
Dr. Weir: No, we can't! Ford is an important asset of this expedition. But Kyoshi isn't! Peter call doctor Kyoshi! Tell him to report to the infirmary immediately!
Beckett: Hey, you can't just swap one man for another!
Dr. Weir: Yes I can! I am the leader of this expedition! AND YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!!!!!!
Lorne: Doctor, calm down, remember the anger management lessons?
Dr. Weir: Right! Sorry.
Lorne: Beckett, can you make the drug work?
Beckett: Of course I can, I'm the best bloody doctor in this galaxy. It'll be ready in a few minutes!
Sheppard: OK, get Kyoshi down to the infirmary and give him the medicine. By the way, what does Ford AKA 'The Entity' says about this?
Ford nods to Beckett
Beckett: I think he's OK with it. But just for the record, I'm not OK with it!
Dr. Weir: It doesn't matter what you think, we – the wise leaders, are here to decide instead of you! Alright company, you have a go. And I'm going back to my bed...
Kyoshi: I'm going of-world? That's great! I have never been of-world until now! I mean, we're all of-world here, but of-world of-world – that's a completely different thing! And a rescue mission... I'm so glad to be part of it... (keeps talking)
Lorne (whispering to Sheppard): You told him it was a rescue mission?
Sheppard: Well it is! In a way...
Kyoshi: ...never wanted to be a scientist anyway, but my mom didn't want me to enlist, so I...
Sheppard: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're here! (bangs on the door) Beckett, open up!
McKay comes around the corner and sees the team standing before the infirmary door, so he goes and asks what's going on.
McKay: Hey, what's going on?
Kyoshi: I'm going of-world!
McKay: Ha! (But as the faces of his companions stay serious...) You're serious?
Kyoshi: I'm going on rescue mission!
McKay: A rescue mission? Did I miss something while I was asleep?
Sheppard: Enough of this chit chat! Beckett! Open the god damn door!
Beckett: We're trying, but it might take a while, the console is fried.
McKay: Then there is no way to open this door!
Kyoshi: Ofcourse there is. You can open any door in Atlantis from the main tower.
McKay: I knew that!
Lorne (to Sheppard): Maybe McKay should go on a 'rescue mission!'
Sheppard: No, Weir made up her mind, we're not waking her up because of a problem as small as this. Zelenka, do you read?
Zelenka: Yes, this is Zelenka,
Sheppard: Could you open the infirmary door for us?
Zelenka: How would I do that? I'm in the cont...
McKay: You can open any door in Atlantis from the main tower, you idiot!
Zelenka: I knew that...
Zelenka manages to open the door, they step into the infirmary and they see Beckett and Ford. Ford is pointing his weapon at them and he doesn't let them out of his sight.
Beckett: I managed to design the medicine, it's all set.
Sheppard: Take him!!!
Lorne and Teyla grab the poor guy
Kyoshi: Wha... What are you doing???!!!
Teyla: Calm down! We're only sacrificing you for a greater purpose!
Beckett: Some being is possessing Ford, we can't loose Ford, so you will be 'lost' instead! I did not agree though!
Because of shock and fear, Dr. Kyoshi loses his consciousness
Ford:
Fat body, weak mind,
that is what you have brought to me?
So far I have been kind,
But now I'll unleash my power upon thee!
Kyoshi regains his consciousness
Kyoshi: Please! I don't wanna die!
Sheppard: I'm sorry, it's the only way!
Ford: Oh c'mon! You are one dumb species!
Sheppard: Mind your... Why don't you talk in rhymes anymore?
Ford: You see! Dumb as hell! How could you even think that someone or something would constantly speak in rhymes?
Beckett: Then why did you...
Ford: For the DRAMA! I thought it would add some mysticism to the whole situation, you know?
They all look at him with eyes wide open, trying to comprehend what they just heard...
Ford: Let me start from the beginning. My name is Shkwoharatelionuasafangeirontela Cromantistosallamehjaris. It means 'The one with a strong energy signature' in my language. I come from the beings known as the Cromantistosallamehjaris'alk Skrabaltharessafirdass, which means 'Energy signature people' in my language. I come from the planet you recently visited... the one with the server. There I got myself in this meat...
The others stand there with their mouths open...
Ford: Anyway, I and my wife are the caretakers of that server, and we also upload contents, so that other may download it. The process I believe you are well acquainted with, as I can see from the mind of this body.
Beckett: You can read Ford's minds?
Ford: Yes.
Sheppard: Then why didn't you just go to the gate enter the address and go away? Why this kidnapping, threatening...
Ford: You really don't get it do you? Purpose of me being here is filming you! All scared, angry, captain Rogue without his love (Waves with the flamethrower) little Jinto locked in the storage room and his father's desperate search of his son... Do you know how many downloads from our server that means?
McKay: Filming us?
Lorne: Downloads?
Teyla: Jinto lost?
Ford: Yes! Reality TV! People love it!
After a while, when they all starting to understand that none of this is real, that it's all just a show and that the entity really doesn't want to harm anyone, they decide to invite 'The one with a strong energy signature' to the mess hall. There it explains that they don't need the medicine and that there are 67 cameras placed all arround Atlantis. In the end they all agree they will let him go home, back to his wife and their server. Under one condition:
Sheppard: We'll let you go, but you must give us a copy of the show.
Ford: No problem. Just go to our website and download it!
Then the stargate activates and this energy reveals itself, when it leaves Ford's body
McKay: Is that...
Zelenka: ...an ascended being?
Lorne: They're making shows now?
Shkwoharatelionuasafangeirontela Cromantistosallamehjaris: Good by!
Ford awakens in front of activated stargate, thinking he and the team just came from another mission.
Ford (to himself): Never again I am sniffing that drug again. I can't even remember what planet we've been to, let alone the purpose of the mission. Hey, who dragged me through the gate?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The End---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
