Asuka took a sip from her drink and glanced around the restaurant having finished her bowl of ramen. She carefully placed her glass down and clenched her right hand into a fist afterwards. The cold from the glass felt unusual when she gripped it with that hand. It was a strange almost foreign feeling, yet it was also completely familiar. It was a feeling she hadn't felt in that limb for a number of years.

Asuka had long gotten used to having a prosthetic limb. She had had to have her original amputated four years ago due to the injuries she had sustained during the fight against the Eva series. At first it had taken a lot of getting used to. Without any nerve feedback the false limb felt alien to her. There was a lot of frustrating moments when performing simple tasks.

She had had to adjust a great many things. Relearning how to write with her other hand as an example. Adjusting to picking up objects or operating devices had a learning curve. Evan playing a games console, one of the few things she actually enjoyed doing could become a hellish experience.

Yet she had persevered and mastered it all just as she had attempted to do with everything else thrown at her. Still when the opportunity presented itself for an upgrade she had taken it. It was something she was actually thankful to her stepmother for. If it wasn't for her she wouldn't have it now, Asuka was the first to have this sort of technology.

Now for the first time in four years she was actually able to feel things again in that hand. She could feel how hot or cold an object was, she could feel how rough of smooth it was. She had only had it for a couple of days but it had already made an impact.

Whilst it wasn't perfect, there were still a few issues to work out it was significantly better than what she had before. Besides Asuka had had to deal with much worse things in her life than this.

With a sigh she finished the rest of her drink and pushed the bowl and glass towards the centre of the table. She rose and put the earphones of the SDAT back in and switched the device back on. This time she selected track 27 and as the music of this song flowed into her ears she thought once more about the boy whose birthday it would have been today.

Activities like this had become her own personal ritual over the last four years. Coming out on what would have been his birthday to celebrate it in some way, she supposed it was a tribute to him and a way of keeping him in her memory. Not that she ever thought she could forget about him.

Last year she had been to see a cello performance by one of Berlin's local musicians. It had been a lovely performance, certainly worth of acclaim but all she could do during it was just wish that it was Shinji sat their playing the instrument.

Asuka could still remember with stunning detail the day she had walked in on Shinji playing the cello in Misato's apartment. She could even remember just how annoyed she had been when he told her why he did and continued to play it. Shinji always had a habit of annoying her like that. It was clear that he had talent for the instrument and he just downplayed it by claiming he wasn't very good. He even went one step further by claiming he only played it because no one had ever told him to stop.

Even now, as she looked back on it little things that that infuriated her. The idea that Shinji would just go along with what others wanted with no thought to himself. Hoping that he could please everyone just so that he wouldn't be hurt and would continue to feel needed.

It was unfortunate how the memories of that day were not happy ones. It was on that night she baited him into kissing her. She still cringed as she thought of how she used the memory of his dead mother to taunt him.

She could still remember just how soft his lips were against hers and how much she had enjoyed it at the time. She could remember how she had been waiting for his hands to come around her waist and old her closer to him and give her what she had always wanted.

Yet that never came, instead he had pulled away from her struggling to catch his breath before of her holding his nose. This was followed by her running away pretending to be disgusted by it all and blaming Shinji for everything.

'Urgh damn it, why the hell am I thinking about that for now? I'm better than this! It's his brithday isn't it? I shouldn't be thinking about moments like that, I should be thinking about the happier times before we all got so fucked up.'

Finally she moved out of the booth and checked her handbag contained everything she needed. She zipped it up and slung it over her shoulder and then fasted up her jacket. She got about half-way to the exit when she spotted the man entering.

Almost instantly she felt her eyes widen and her stomach twist itself into knots. Her mouth opened ever so slightly as he too caught full sight of her. All she could do was mutter to herself.

'No... impossible...'

XXX

Shinji turned onto the street and once again checked the directions on his phone. He looked up and found himself in front of the small mock-Japanese restaurant. This was definitely the right place. He came to a stop and apprehensively glanced through the window.

For a moment he thought he could see just a flicker of red hair but on second glance there was nothing there.

This was going to be it, he thought to himself. He would step through that door and he would have his chance to see her again. He looked down at his phone, this was definitely the place. He felt a bit strange about going about things in this fashion. He had at first asked his contact if it wouldn't have been better to call Asuka or e-mail but they had assured him that doing this in person would have been better.

As he glanced through the window looking for any sign of her he cast his mind back to the brief time they had spent together four years ago. The two of them had gone through so much in that short space of time. They had fought together and with one another. They had managed to save one another and hurt one another. They had laughed together and they had almost died together.

In simple terms Shinji knew he loved her, he had done for a long time despite all the pain they had put one another through. He longed to be beside her, to talk to her and hold her. He had never told anyone his feelings for her. Misato of course knew, she had never questioned him on the subject but it was obvious that she knew.

He readied himself to see her once again and wondered just what sort of reaction he might get from Asuka. He had prepared himself for her to hate him. In his mind that was exactly what he deserved. Back in those days he had done terrible things to her. He had ran to her for help when she clearly needed it too. He had left her to die in the fight against the Eva series and he had nearly finished the job on their return.

When he was faced with all of that Shinji couldn't help but feel that it had been for the best that Asuka had returned to Germany. He wondered if maybe all he could ever offer Asuka was pain and suffering or if maybe all they could do was hurt one another. They were both victims of what Misato called the hedgehog's dilemma, both so scared of being hurt that they hurt others to keep them away.

Still Shinji wanted to and had to do this. He had not made the decision four years ago to return to his life just to run away and continue being afraid of being hurt. He didn't want to be hurt any longer and he didn't embrace the idea of being hurt but he knew that to find happiness he would have to run the risk of pain.

In his heart he knew the same had to be true of Asuka, otherwise she would have have returned as quickly as she had done.

He started to approach the door and placed his hand on the handle. In doing so he came to a sudden realization. He actually had no idea what he was going to say or do when he finally saw her again. Shinji had so much he wanted to say yet he had no idea how to convey it to her.

He thought that perhaps he could start with a simple hello followed by an apology but then Asuka always hated it when he apologized. He then thought that maybe he'd tell her what he had realized so many years ago and had wished he had said to her back then, the three simple words 'I love you' but then he thought that'd be too strong.

Finally he ended up settling on the tactic he tended to use when he was an Eva pilot. He'd just make it up as he went along and hope he didn't do something stupid.

He pushed the door open and instantly his nostrils were filled with the various smells of the food offered in the restaurant. He looked amongst the sea of patrons trying to find her and finally he saw her exiting a booth along one of the walls. She had turned around just as he started to walk forward.

As their gazes met he felt his mouth go completely dry. The first thing he noticed was the eyepatch covering her left eye and his stomach twisted with guilt. Shinji had not seen what she looked like now, he knew when they had returned she had some injuries but the severity of them was unknown.

For moments they continued to stare at one another. She was a little bit taller now and her hair was a little bit shorter now yet still coming down to her shoulders. She had aged a little bit as would be expected but she was just what he had expected.

After a time Asuka pulled two earphones out but did not take her gaze off of Shinji. Finally he weakly raised his hand and waved, "Um... Hi Asuka."

She blinked and stood perfectly still for a moment. He wanted to say something else but no other words could come out. All he could do was wait for her reply and slowly drop his hand from the attempt at a wave. Almost instantly he got the feeling that this wasn't going to go as he hoped and finally that confirmation came.

He had barely any time at all to react as she suddenly dashed forward and shoved him out of the way. He struggled to regain his balance and watched as she exited the restaurant. Around him he could feel the glare of the patrons but he did his best to ignore it as he too took to the door.

XXX

Asuka ran out of the restaurant and quickly made her way into the small alleyway besides it. She leaned herself against the wall and took a deep breath hoping that he lunch wasn't about to force itself out of her stomach. That had been Shinji, he had entered that restaurant and he had waved to her. He had spoken her name. It was Shinji.

She was terrified by the sight of him, all she could do was go over it in her head and wondering if she was perhaps going mad.

'No no no no no! That's not possible… Shinji is… they told me he was dead! Shinji is dead! It's a trick, a hallucination! It's just… I'm going mad… I'm so fucked up about it all and it's finally happening to me! I'm going to end up just like mama did… I'm…'

Eventually she started speak aloud, trying to rationalize it.

"It wasn't really him, it was someone who looked like him. Shinji is dead! He's dead… he's dead…"

She turned herself around and leaned her back against the wall taking a few more deep breaths. She looked down at the artificial hand. The medication she had to take to ease the pain of the operation. She had had the limb less than a week! Maybe that was the cause of this. She clenched the hand into a fist and then released it before looking back towards the alleyways entrance only to once again find herself gazing straight ahead at the ghost of Shinji Ikari.

She started to back away from him but found herself bumping into the wall at the opposite end. Shinji made no attempt to move towards her but instead he looked at her, a look of concern written all across his face. This time she took the time to actually study him properly.

It was an eighteen year old Shinji Ikari was stood before her. He had on a clean pair of light blue jeans and a buttoned up short sleeved dark blue shirt. She noticed that his hair was a little bit longer than it used to be. Not quite as long as Kaji's was but certainly progressing that way, his fringe was still somewhat messy though. He was clean shaven, even from her she could spot a small mark on his chin from where he must have cut himself.

She was starting to come to terms with it. Shinji was alive, ghosts didn't cut themselves shaving. Yet this didn't make any sense to her. When they had picked her up she had been told she was the only survivor.

"A-Asuka… I…" His voice trembled as he spoke. It was clear that he was nervous. How could he not have been, she had just reacted to him as if she had seen a ghost.

"Y-You!" She didn't avert her gaze from him for a moment. She didn't even care that she sounded terrified right now.

"Hey I…" Shinji trailed off not exactly sure of what to say to Asuka. He had played out a number of scenarios in his mind of what might happen if they were to see each other again. It was always cheesy little situations, they'd pass each other by and smile at one another. They run into each other's arms or have some meaningful conversation. Nothing of course could have prepared him for the reality of it. He had known that all along.

Finally Asuka spoke again but what she said to him was definitely not what he was expecting to hear.

"This… this is impossible!"

He raised an eyebrow curiously, "Asuka I…"

"Shut up!" She spat back at him, "Just… shut up! This is… you're… you're supposed to be dead!"

Shinji stepped back in complete shock at what she had said. He mustn't have heard her correctly. She had just said he was supposed to be dead. Why would she think that? He swallowed realizing that this must have explained her reaction to seeing him again. If she thought he was dead then him turning up like that must have been a huge shock.

He carefully chose his next words, trying to not upset the situation any further.

"Asuka, I… I don't understand? What do you mean I'm supposed-?"

She brought he hands up to her head and shook her head shooting back at him, "Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up idiot Shinji, just… Shut up!"

Staring down at the floor she took another breath to calm herself and slowly looked up. Her mouth was open ever so slightly in shock. For over four years she had believed him to be dead. She had never contemplated that the people who rescued her might have been wrong or even worse that they had lied to her.

She had never contemplated that there would come a day where she would see Shinji again. She had just tried to continue living her life trying to remember him as best she could. Yet here he was, in front of her.

"I-It really is you isn't it?" She spoke softly.

A small smile spread across his face as he nodded, "Yes… It's me."

She had played out moments like this in her own mind over the course of the past four years. A reunion with Shinji, the one person who she could ever say she had actually loved in this world. In her own mind she had always pictured something silly like her running into his arms and allowing herself to finally open up. He'd hold her and say something sweet and she'd allow herself to cry and the two of them would hold each other and cry together.

Yet as the two of them stood there looking at one another she realized that this was certainly not going to happen. In that scenario she had never been told he was dead, in that scenario it was a case of them just being apart for a time. The reality was that she was going to have to come to terms with the fact that he was not dead. She was going to have to come to terms with the fact that someone had fed her false information either by accident or on purpose.

She was not going to be able to run into his arms just yet and she knew that he wasn't going to be able to hold her yet. Right now she was finding that the only thing she wanted to do was run away as fast as she could. All those little scenarios and fantasies she had played out were exactly that, fantasies and the reality was that she was terrified.

Instead of just running away though she was finding herself completely unable to move. Fear had gripped her and a familiar anger from times past was beginning to well up inside of her. She was not ready for this yet. She was not going to be able to be the person she imagined yet or that Shinji expected.

What she was imagining now was that she would only be hurt by being here and around him. It was time for her to retreat by any means necessary.

Shinji was completely uncertain of what to do or say next. This reaction had been beyond anything he had expected. There had been no indication from anyone that Asuka had believed he was dead. He had expected her to be angry with him and he had expected some awkwardness but he had not expected to see a look of fear in her eyes. Nor had he expected to learn of his supposed fate. Shinji simply didn't understand anything.

He tried taking a step forward, "Asuka… what did you mean by… dead?"

His question only managed to draw a sharp glare from Asuka as she retorted, "Are you stupid? What else could I have meant by that? I mean dead as in you not being alive! You… they told me… they told me that you had died!"

Shinji resisted the urge to run away or yell out in surprise. Instead he tried to keep himself calm but hearing that chilled him. Someone had told Asuka that he had died, the person who had contacted him to arrange this had failed to inform him of this. Was that on purpose? Considering who it was it can't have been but then why wouldn't they have told him?

For the first time since arriving he was now wondering if perhaps he had made a terrible mistake. Maybe he should have found another way to contact her. Maybe he shouldn't have bothered at all. He was thinking that perhaps he should have just gotten on with his life rather than trying to see her again.

Eventually he managed to stammer out a response that he was sure would only irritate the girl further, "I-I'm not dead!"

"I'm not blind! I can see that!" She barked back at him.

Asuka stayed glued to the spot in the alleyway and dared not to take her eyes off of him. There was a silly little thought that if she did maybe he would vanish and this would reveal itself to be some horrific trick of the mind.

She tried to think of something to say or do but all she kept coming back to was the feeling that she couldn't deal with this right now. There were so many conflicting feelings within her right now it was impossible to process it.

There was a relief that Shinji was actually alive. A happiness that she could see him again and that he hadn't died like she had been told. Yet his presence also brought with it the baggage of the past. The painful memories of her pre-Third Impact life were being put back into the forefront of her mind.

Adding to that was the anger she felt at being made to believe he was dead for all those years. Even after they had seen how she had reacted no one had ever told her otherwise. It wasn't like she didn't still have ties to NERV. Instead they had kept up the pretense all that time, they must have known.

"I…" Shinji started to speak but again he trailed off with his mind still so uncertain of what he could say.

One more deep breath from Asuka as she tried to regain her composure. She stood up a straight as she could and stared into his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" She demanded of him.

He took some time to reply but when it came it was just what she had expected, "I came to see you Asuka… I wanted to…"

She frowned and cut him off, "You wanted to see me huh?"

Shinji started to take a step forward but this simply prompted Asuka to hold out her hand to stop him, "No! Don't come near me… just… don't…"

Not wishing to provoke any anger from her he stopped instantly. He knew just how delicate the situation was and let her have whatever space and time she might have needed.

"Asuka I… I wanted to… apologize for everything that happened."

She couldn't explain why but she felt something snap inside of her when she heard him say the word apologize. It was a word she hated him using back then. He always had to apologize for things that weren't his fault and here he was again. Back into her life and he feels he has to apologize.

She snapped back at him, "Apologize? You came all this way to apologize?"

She watched as he nodded weakly, "I… just… I don't know. I wanted to see you again and… well for what happened back then and on that day… I felt bad and…"

She smirked, "So that's what this is then? A vacation to satiate your ego? Come and apologize for Asuka because you feel so bad about it all and everything will be alright? Asuka will forgive me and then I can go and get back on with my life?"

He held up his hands in protest, "No I…"

Again she cut him off, "Just shut up! Don't… say anything!"

"Sor-"

"I SAID SHUT UP!"

Asuka didn't mean to yell at him but it was just something that had happened. She could feel the sudden torrent of anger flow through her as her need to escape and run away started to become desperate. She didn't want to hurt Shinji, it was the last thing she wanted to do but she had to get away from him right now. If it meant hurting him then she'd take that option.

'Why today of all days Shinji… why and how? Why…'

She slowly started to move towards him and hoped that she could just ease past him and get away. It was not to be though and she stopped as she saw him reach into the pocket of his jeans and pull out a small card. He held the card out towards her. She quickly snatched it from his trembling hands.

"What the hell is this?"

"It's… This is where I'm staying whilst I'm here. It's where you can contact me, I've put my number on the back and the room number. I'll be staying here for just over a week… I'd… I'd really like to see you again Asuka…"

She froze up completely for a moment as she just stared at the card. Her stomach churned as the need to leave was increasing.

"Can you please leave now?" She had muttered the words but it was just loud enough for him to hear her.

Shinji's heard dropped as he heard her words. This reunion had not gone how he had wanted it to go at all. Yet aside from learning that she had thought he was dead he had expected it to have gone badly in some way. He had hoped for a different outcome but in his heart he knew that this was probably the only way it could have gone. All he could do was listen to her now as she continued.

"Just leave me Shinji. I don't want to see you now and I definitely don't want your apologies. I don't want to contact you either. Please, just go back to Japan. Go back to Misato and the others and your life there. Forget about me and forget about Germany. There is nothing for you here."

Shinji stepped back and lowered his eyes to the ground. She caught a glimpse of them as he did this and could see they had become watery. She cursed herself in the realization that she was just doing what she always used to. Using her words to hurt him even when she didn't want to.

Her old fear of being hurt was causing her to do this. In a moment she had regressed behind the walls she had built around herself. It was little more than an effort to disguise her own pain and fear, an effort to stop herself crying or appearing weak in front of him. An effort to allow her to run away.

Shinji swallowed back all of the questions he wanted to ask and things he wanted to say to her. She had told him to leave. She had said she didn't want him here and in that moment his ideas and wishes had all been crushed.

He tried one more time to salvage the situation, "Asuka I…"

"Please just leave Shinji. Nothing good will come of this. You'll just end up hurting me or I'll end up hurting you like we always used to. I know why you're here. It's because you feel guilty about everything."

She could see the hurt across his face as she continued to lay into him, "You can't talk to Misato about it and you can't talk to your friends about it. They wouldn't understand because they weren't a pilot like we were. Somehow you found out where I was and you're coming to me. You think that you can come to me and get some sort of forgiveness, that I'll say 'Oh it's alright, what happened four years ago wasn't so bad. I'm over it now and you should be' and all will be good again. You're pathetic."

Shinji tried to stand his ground. "No, it isn't like that Asuka! I wanted to see you, I care about you!"

"Bullshit! You care about yourself! You're still just so scared of everyone else except me because you think you know me! Except you don't know me. Just… go away!"

Shinji stepped forward again, "Asuka I…"

"SHUT UP!"

There was almost no time to react as Asuka brought her hand up to slap him. He felt pain shoot across his hand from where he had blocked the blow and felt his eyes widen as he saw the first time the arm she had used. He could see immediately that it was a prosthetic. It was a dark red, a number of markings were around the joints.

He looked at her in shock, "Asuka… your arm… I-"

"It's none of your fucking business, just go already."

Finally he stepped back from her and out of the alleyway. She studied his expression as his gaze went from her now exposed arm up to her face. There was a moment of awkwardness as he looked at her injuries and she knew at that moment he was starting to make the connection. What he was seeing, the eyepatch and the artificial arm were because of the injuries she had sustained on that day. The product of his inaction.

"I… I'll go…"

She felt sick and suddenly there was an urge within her to reach out and grab him as he spun around. An urge to tell him not to go and that she didn't mean any of it, she just needed time. That she was sorry. Only she couldn't do that. All she could do was watch as he ran away from her and disappeared out of view around the corner of the street. It was only when he had vanished from view that she could finally release the breath she had been holding in since he had said he would go.

She felt awful about driving him away like that and reacting in the way she had done. This had been the moment she had wanted and dreamed about for four years. To have that opportunity to see him once again but she had completely messed it up. She had allowed her fears to make her regress to how she used to be. So instead of feeling better she had just hurt him and herself.

She muttered to herself, "Coward… even after four years you're still the same."