Sleep did not bring relief to Julia. In fact, she hardly slept more than an hour before the nightmares began.
By the time she had to get up for her shift, she felt awful. Stumbling about her room, she dressed and then headed to the mess hall to eat. As she had promised herself, Julia search immediately for Rogan amidst all the people. He wasn't there, nor did she see him for several days, until finally one morning she spotted him sitting alone in his usual corner of the rec room.
Feeling awkward and very guilty, she made her way over. She stopped just in front of the empty chair and waited for him to look up. When he did, she wished he hadn't.
His face was stern, his eyes hard and guarded. He didn't seem very happy to see her. For a moment neither said anything, then Rogan raised his eyebrows at her, almost in annoyance.
Julia bit her lip and looked at the ground hastily. The past few days had been so lonely. She missed talking with him. In fact, she came to the conclusion she really missed him. A lot. As in, more that she should miss a friend, which scared her a bit.
"Rogan, I...I wanted to apologize for my behavior the past few days. It was wrong. I'm sorry."
There, she thought with a deep breath, at least that's over with. He probably hates me now though. I've been so awful.
"Apology accept."
Julia looked up from the floor quickly to look at him. His face had softened ever so slightly, but was still hard. Julia felt that he must not want her there and was angry with her, which was fair.
"Right, ok. Um...I..." she hesitated, struggling with what to say and feel, then finished with, "I have to go on shift. I won't bother you any longer."
She quickly turned and hurried out of the room, ignoring the sound of her name being called. Once in hall, she continued to bit her lip in frustration. Her friendship with Rogan was probably greatly damaged. But why did she care, it wasn't like she could afford to have good friends anyway. She stepped into the first private rec room she could find and stood in the dark thinking miserably.
But what if he doesn't stop being mad? Oh why was I so dumb! Why am I still being dumb! This shouldn't matter so much! Why does this matter!? Why should I care if he doesn't want to spend time together anymore. Just because he's your only friend doesn't make it reasonable to be so upset, and its not like you...you...might really like him. That doesn't matter! Smarten up! Its not like anything could happen anyway! Tears pricked at her eyes, and she brushed them away angrily. I must just not have slept enough-
"No you haven't." came a quiet answer as the lights flicked on.
The voice came from close behind her, causing Julia to jump out of her skin into the wall. It was Rogan. He was studying her closely, as if gauging her reactions.
Flushing and attempting to right herself, Julia said, "Oh, hello. I didn't realize you had come in. What did you say?"
"I said that you haven't slept enough. I can tell, your surface thoughts are leaking out so loudly I can't help but hear them. In fact, you seem to be projecting them at me, which is very odd since you are not a telepath...as far as we know."
"Oh, sorry...um...I didn't mean to?" she looked at him in confusion, and the went an even deeper shade of red in embarrassment knowing her emotions over him where probably just as loud.
"Not your fault. I think you have forgotten that the captain gave us both the next few days off though, including today. Perhaps you should sleep."
Julia's hands did a strange little jerking motion just before she crossed her arms casually and look up with an almost believable smile.
"Yes, I should do that. In fact, I could go now, and stop doing whatever it is I'm doing that is making it hard for you not to hear my thoughts." turning quickly, she would have tried to scamper off out the door if Rogan hadn't reached out and caught hold of her arm.
"Now is the worst time to be trying to lie to me Julia Miles." he said in a dangerously soft tone. "Why does sleeping make you so scared that you just thought of taking a stimulant rather than falling asleep, hmm?"
Julia stared at him for a moment, considering what excuse to make. His stare turned extremely stern, telling Julia lying again was out of the question.
"This isn't fair Rogan." Julia sighed with frustration. He didn't answer, but the side of is mouth twitched up, threatening a ghost of a smile. "I don't want to tell you!"
"Tell me what?"
Instantly Julia thought of the past several nights, the awful dreams and memories haunting her. Immediately after thinking of them, Julia realized what Rogan had just made her tell without meaning to.
You sneaky ass! Taking advantage of my sleep deprived state! I can't believe you!
She expected him to at least look smug at her mental comment, but when she glanced back up at his face he looked less then humorous.
"What exactly have you been dreaming Julia?"
At once the worst reoccurring dream popped into her head and Rogan looked even more grave and upset.
Julia snapped in half hearted exasperation, "Stop that!" to which Rogan replied, "I am not doing anything, your the one thinking loudly!"
"Well stop asking questions!"
He sighed and released her arm. "Julia, you can't keep taking stimulants. You need to sleep properly!"
"And I will. Rogan seriously, this is not my first rodeo, I've had nightmares before. They will get better." responded Julia, trying to sound confident. Of course my last set took almost a year to stop.
"Julia! You work on a starship! You cannot afford to be only half at your best!"
"Well what do you expect me to do?!"
Rogan looked thoughtful, and then hesitantly made a suggestion, " Telepathy has often been used to help PTSD and nightmares in many people. A deep connection and guidance in the mind to help it rebalance. Its not difficult or painful. If you want I could-"
Julia's eyes widened and he stopped talking, looking at her with a sad yet understanding expression.
"I'm sorry Rogan, but I can't. I just can't do that." she said shaking her head, "You need to understand, its not you at all. I honestly do trust you to...to do your telepathy thing in my head, but I...I can't let anyone in my head. Not ever! Please...please try to understand!?"
He nodded, "I understand. But I think you're going to like my second suggestion even less..."
"Try me."
"Often times, exposure to the thing that frightens us the most can cure us from being afraid of it. Exposure to my spider form could-"
Rogan took a sharp step back in reaction to her emotional response as though he had been hit. Julia looked very pale.
"You're right," she choked, "I don't like this idea either."
"Would it really be that bad? You would know its me this time, and we could take it very slow...please Julia, the only other alternative at this point is to speak with Doctor McCoy, and I know you and he don't always see eye to eye...and he would want to know details..."
Julia's had gone glassy with tears and she pressed her palm to her forehead taking a shaky breath. Rogan waited a moment before stepping forward and wrapping her in a hug.
The tired girl burst into tears and sobbed out broken phrases of explanation until she remember Rogan could loudly feel and hear everything at the moment.
"I just don't know what to do...I can't...Rogan I was so scared, and then I got mad at you, and...oh for frick sake, why does it have to be a gigantic spider! The worst part is I can't wake up when I'm have the dream...I'm so tired."
Rogan waited patiently for her to finish before responding. "Perhaps you should sleep a bit in here? And before you get all scared on me, I promise to stay and at the first sign of you having a nightmare I will wake you up. Deal?"
Julia remained quiet for a moment, and then replied quietly, "You promise not to go inside my head? Just wake me?"
"I promise. But may I reserve the right to brush the surface of your mind if I am uncertain if its a nightmare or I cannot wake you normally?"
"Alright, fine. But I don't want to sleep in here, did that once, my back hated me for a week." said Julia with a yawn, "Do you mind if..." Julia trailed of and turned a pretty color of pink.
"We go to your cabin? Not at all, I thought you'd never ask." Supplied Rogan with an impish gleam in his eye and neutral expression. Scolding herself for being foolish and embarrassed about how things could be taken, especially at a time when someone else could hear her thoughts, Julia gave a disheartened groan and headed for the door.
Rogan chuckled softly as he followed. "Julia, do try not to be so hard on yourself. I know exactly what you meant. Do forgive my teasing."
"Sometimes I really don't like being friends with you Rogan...you and your mind reading skills..."
"Not to mention my unfortunate habit of becoming terrifying monsters..."
"That too. That's it, I've decided I don't like you." came Julia spontaneous reply, "Oh wait, I tried that. It sucks not having friends."
Rogan laughed out loud and the pair lapsed into a comfortable silence.
By the time Julia got to her cabin, she was beginning to feel how tired she really was, and the effects of the last stimulant had worn off. Rogan settled himself in a chair near the door and Julia flopped onto her bed and closed her eyes.
At first she dozed fitfully, waking herself at the beginnings of the dreams. It always started at the moments she was locked inside the arena, to be fed to Arachno. About the fourth try, when she woke with a yelp, Rogan got up from his post and perched quietly on the edge of her bed.
"Let me help Julia? Please?" his voice was oddly strained, "This mostly my fault anyway."
Julia rolled over and peeked at him through her now tangled hair that was sticking to her sweating brow.
"What could you do Rogan? Besides go inside my head? There are things in here, I really don't want anyone to know about, things that I dream about and become nightmares too."
Rogan looked at her for a long moment, then said with hesitancy, "Let me in just a little bit? I promise not to go deep, and only enough to control the dreams. If you can go though the dream without waking, go through it and finish without fear, it won't be as frequent since it wouldn't be on your mind as much. Please Julia?"
She sat up, shaking and stared at him briefly before covering her mouth with her hand to stop a sob from escaping.
This is the only way I'm going to sleep isn't it? But you don't understand...I'm...I can't.. she thought desperately, then took a deep breath and flopped over onto her side and hid her face like a frightened child.
"Alright, alright, we won't do that. I'm sorry Julia, I just hate seeing you like this knowing I'm partly to blame and could fix it." he reached out and gently brushed the hair back from her half hidden face hoping it would calm her. It had the desired effect, he continued the motion of brushing her hair back and watched her relax. Gradually her breathing slowed, and she slept.
Rogan smiled slightly, kicking himself for not thinking of something so simple sooner. When he was certain she was peaceful, he rose soundlessly and settle in his chair once more to keep watch as he promised.
