Rains on Me

XxX

Darry takes a leave of absence from work.

Liz works as a secretary at a local law firm, leaving me and Darry alone together. I've never seen my brother more patient. It freaks me out, like everything's gone topsy turvy. I try to fight with him but he just looks sad and old and says nothing except nice things.

Soda comes over after work and sits. He sits on the couch and stares at me. Tries to talk and when I won't he still stays.

Darry flushes the remaining pills he thinks I have. Soda stands in the corner and watches us. Darry asks for my smokes and when I hesitate, his face scares me. Finally, I hand them over, mentioning the fact that I can get more back at school anyway.

XxX

Everyone's gone and I sneak outside for a cigarette I've stolen from Two-Bit. I'm not going to let a little thing like this stop me. I'll smoke and I'll be happy about it. It can't be serious.

I'm under the oak tree in the back yard, in a light jacket, trying not to shake with each puff I take. The snow falls in my hair, my lashes and suddenly, there's a, "What the fuck?" behind me.

I know the voice and wince.

Steve hits me in the face before I can toss the cigarette away.

XxX

"But you have to let me go back," I argue.

"Pony," Darry snarls, "You're 17 and I'll keep you here as long as I goddamn have to." I slink lower in my chair. Steve's spilled the beans about me and the cigarette. Rubbing my sore jaw, I look to Soda for help but he won't meet my eyes.

Instead, Soda glances at Darry. "He can't do it. Darry, he's gotta stay home." My stomach recoils at the tone in my older brother's voice – distressed, pleading.

"Soda—" I start before ending up in a cough. They both jump, watching. "I'll be 18 next year," I say, trying to reason. "What'll you do then?"

"Threatening your big brothers are we?" We all turn as Two-Bit slinks through the front door. "You're not gonna win any points, kid." He hands Darry a piece of paper. Darry gives it a brief glance and then turns his eyes to me.

"Shut up, Two-Bit." He sits on the couch and I notice Darry doesn't tell him to leave. I roll my eyes. And why would he? We're all family.

I cross my arms. "Fine, do what you want. I don't care."

XxX

I can hear Liz and Darry arguing in the kitchen, her voice a higher contrast to Darry's low, rumbling one. There's a loud curse and then a door slams someplace in the house. I flop onto my back, knowing I need to get out of this house. It's dead silent for a moment and then my ears perk up as the linoleum squeaks in the kitchen, the carpet in the hallway and there's a tap at my door.

I don't even bother saying come in because he will whether I answer or not. The shadow of Darry grazes the walls and the bed shifts as he sits down. He sighs and his voice is pained. "You're not going back to school, kiddo."

I shut my eyes, very badly wanting a smoke and to crawl into a corner.

Darry continues, carefully, "If you want, I'll enroll you here at the University of Tulsa. But I'm not letting you go back alone. Soda and I both agree." He waits for me to speak and when I say nothing the bed groans as he stands up. He leans over, brushing hair out of my eyes. "I don't care if you're mad at us for the rest of your life, Ponyboy."

He leaves and I roll over onto my side, staring at the wall with its peeled wallpaper.

XxX

I can't smoke.

I can't do anything I want.

Just when I was out on my own I have to return home. The taste of freedom snapped away like a yo-yo. I'm no dummy; I did it to myself. It just really pisses me off that I'd still rather be doing the wrong thing. Life at school – with the pills and the writing – seemed better than this.

XxX

I tell Darry to enroll me at University of Tulsa and he does. I want to get back so that I can go back. Get out of the house and escape. He returns to work and I stay in the empty house, finishing up the last few days of vacation. If that's what you want to call it.

XxX

I sneak out of the house and go bum smokes down at the local diner. I have one and it hurts like hell. I scribble a story on a paper napkin and leave it at the booth. It wasn't very good anyway.

I get home and Soda's there, sitting outside on the front porch, waiting for someone to arrive. Liz and Darry lock their doors now. Soda, being Soda, always forgets the key. "Where've you been?" he asks. "Darry told me you were home."

I put a finger to my lips. "Don't tell him but I busted out."

Soda's mouth moves into a line. "I brought you some lunch." He gestures to a paper sack resting next to him.

I pull out my keys. "Thanks."

He grabs my arm as I go to pass him. "God damn you, Ponyboy." He's smelled the smoke. "What do you think you're doing?"

XxX

Spring semester starts up in Tulsa. It's easy. But I wasn't worried about school anyway. I made the grades before. Everyone seems so worried about me and school. But I'm not worried; I just have a nasty habit to kick. School's the easy part.

Even though it's not announced, it's made clear that I call if I go out or am late coming home. Granted, I haven't earned my space, but it's annoying nonetheless. At night, I hear Darry pass by my room and pause. I watch the ceiling, pretending to sleep, hoping he goes.

I think about the pills every time I'm in English class. I really want them. They helped, maybe not for the better, but I liked how I felt. It's a good feeling not to be holding the reins when you have for such a long time.

Maybe that's why Two-Bit drinks.

XxX

It's easy. I find some and I buy some. I tell myself they're in-case-of-emergency-only.

XxX

I cough up blood when I take a shower. Deep, racking coughs that I pray Darry can't hear while he's watching TV. I watch the red swirl, between my toes, down the drain. I stand in the hot water for ten more minutes and try not to cry.

XxX

It's a bad day. I smoke another cigarette, hiding in the restroom stall like a criminal. I'm not sure who'd see me on campus but paranoia's a pretty picture. I run into a kid from my journalism class – at least I think I know him. I can't be sure these days. Nick Jericho; we slam shoulders and our books go flying. We both mutter apologies and go our own way. I take the bus home and feel lost when I walk inside.

XxX

The front door slams. I glance up from my book, noting the voices. I pick my pencil up and put it down again. My bedroom door opens and I sigh. No one knocks anymore.

Two-Bit has a head full of snow. I arch a brow. "What happened to you?" He leaves the door open and moseys into the room.

"Snow attack at four o'clock."

"You fell into the bank again didn't you?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." He sits on the bed and while I shuffle the papers on my desk. "How's school?"

"So exciting. Today we learned about Occam's Razor and after that why the sky is blue."

"Sarcasm noted. And disliked, kid."

"C'mon Two-Bit." I flip my folder shut. "You don't care what I learned about in class. I went to school with you for four years and this is the first time you've asked me that."

"You're right I don't. Look, kid, I've known you a long time, you're practically the little brother I've always tormented, so I gotta check in on you once in a while."

"I'm okay."

"Are you?" He sniffs the air. "Don't think I can't smell smoke, Ponyboy Curtis."

"Is this how it's gonna go? All sides? You too, man?"

Popping his head in, Darry raps on the bedroom wall with a wooden spoon. I tear my eyes away from my friend as Darry asks, "Two-Bit, you staying for dinner?"

XxX

It's uncomfortable staying with my brother and Liz. I don't know if it's resentment or awkwardness or a combination of the two but something's simmering in the house.

I'm horrible. I'm a shit. It's one thing to wreck my own life; it's another to wreck Darry's.

One night, I break a bowl in the kitchen. Liz doesn't say anything, instead just scraping the broken pieces of glass into the trash. I offer to help with dinner and she politely refuses, telling me to get some rest.

Two days later, I show up at Soda's apartment. "Can I stay with you?"

He opens the door wide, letting me in. "What happened?"

"I'm a jerk." Soda pats my shoulder and takes my duffel bag.

Steve watches me from the corner of the room, lounging on the couch. He snorts. "Took you this long to figure it out?" I give him the finger.

"What'd Darry say?" Soda asks softly.

I shrug, like I'm 14 all over again. "I didn't tell him. I just left."

Soda blinks. "You just—? Oh, Pony."

XxX

Instead of snow, there's a light rain. Soda and Steve's apartment is downtown. They live above a Chinese restaurant, and despite the continuous smell, it's a cozy place. It's dimly lit, a torn leather couch and two recliners making up the living room, large windows facing the street.

Steve's chewing on a nail, I can tell he wants to smoke but is trying to hold back. He shifts his weight as I plop next to him on the couch, resting my elbow on the armrest, chin in my palm. "Wanna watch something else?" An old John Wayne movie is on.

"No thanks."

"You have to sleep on the couch."

"Yeah, I figured."

Amidst gunfire and the yells of cowboys and Indians, Soda's quiet voice can be heard talking to Darry. "He's here…Yeah, I didn't know—No, you don't need to come get him…Darry, Jesus, relax will ya? He's…" I tune Soda out.

Steve gives me a look.

"I know," I say, holding up a hand. "I know."

XxX

My Journalism professor, Professor Simmons catches me as class lets out. He asks if I'm interested in joining the school newspaper. If I do well there's a chance to get a summer internship at the Tulsa World. It's tempting.

I tell him I can't plan that far in advance but thanks for the offer.

He chases me down the hall and tells me to think about it.

XxX

We have dinner at Darry's on Sunday. I haven't seen him since I turned tail and ran earlier in the week and when I walk inside the door I can tell he ain't too happy. He lowers his newspaper. "I want to talk to you."

Soda groans. "Not now, Darry."

"I'm sorry," I mutter as the front door smacks my back as Two-Bit tries to weasel inside. I jolt into Soda who steadies me.

"Hey, c'mon," Two-Bit whines. "I brought a pie this time."

I let him in. "It's not home cooked."

"It's a start." He throws an arm around my neck and drags me into the kitchen, leaving Darry and Soda in the living room. "It's cranberry. You'll like it."

I untangle myself from his arm. "Who buys a cranberry pie?"

He looks indignant. "Kathy does."

"To each his own."

"Damn right."

XxX

Liz fusses in the kitchen over baked ham and white dinner rolls while the rest of us laze in the living room. I can tell Darry wants to get me alone so he can have words so I feign interest in his newspaper. The headlines are a blur: Bank Closure, String of Robberies at Woolworth's, Suicide at Cherry Hills; the usual if it bleeds it leads.

When Liz calls us to dinner, I excuse myself and use the bathroom. I take the pills I have stuffed in my pocket.

XxX

That night I write.

I'm not sure how I make it out of dinner and away from Darry's with my leg bouncing as fast as it does. I think I pull it off as well as can be expected. When Soda parks his truck on the street I don't get out. "I'm gonna write," I tell him.

"In here?"

"Yeah."

"You're gonna freeze, Pone."

"I have a coat." I flash him a smile. "Go on. It's quiet out here."

Soda goes.

XxX

Darry shows up the next morning. "Pony, come home."

Soda, in the middle of a bowl of cereal, snaps with a full mouth, "What's wrong with my place?"

"He has his own room. It's quiet. He can study. Closer to school."

"Wow, Dar, you sound like a college brochure," I tell him. "Really sellin' it."

Irritation flashes across Darry's face. "You know what I mean, Ponyboy. Stop being smart." He looks past me to Soda. "Tell him."

Soda pretends to be interested in the cereal box. "Aw, hell, Dar," he murmurs, "As long as he's with one of us, what does it matter?"

While Darry fumes, I silently count the months until I'm 18. Five long ones. And while my brothers have a good reason to try and hold on as long as they can, I'm under constant surveillance. Finally, Darry gets me to agree to go back.

XxX

Pardon typos.

SE Hinton owns the Outsiders.

Many thanks for reading. I appreciate the reviews.

XO.

Feisty