For the last week and a bit, I'll shamefully admit I've been trying to avoid Clarke as much as possible. Not because she's been harassing me or anything like that, mostly because well I'm sure how to just be myself when she's around anymore.
There are always butterflies in my stomach, my breath seems to shorten and I feel hot and flustered. All of the above seems to get worse when we make eye contact and even this gets taken to the next level when she smiles at me.
In the rare instances in which she's talked to me, which has been more than usual, I've been tongue tied and I've always tried to avoid talking for any longer than necessary. I've seen by the look on her face that she's hurt by this but it doesn't seem to have put her off.
It's definitely going against my plan to put some distance between us and let these so called feelings disappear. If anything they've gotten more intense. I haven't had anyone pursue me for one reason or another as much as Clarke has been trying.
When Finn and I got together, it just happened you know? We had been friends for awhile and it was just comfortable for both us that we ended up together. Since he cheated on me though, I haven't put much effort into getting out into the dating game.
I've had more than a fair share of boys try to get into my pants largely because of the challenge I suspect. But trusting someone with my heart again, 'Jesus how girly does that sound?' is not an easy thing to do.
I am the tough girl because it's who I need to be to make it through this life. Having no parents or siblings makes it hard and Finn was someone who I thought would always be there for me.
Now that he's broken my trust I'm all alone once again and I can't dwell on that fact or break down because that's not what tough girls do. That's not what I do because I'm a survivor.
I was busy getting some books and other junk out of my locker for my next period when our next encounter took place. I shut my locker and turned to head off to my next class when there she was standing there.
I jumped slightly in shock more than anything else as seeing her was unexpected,
"For fuck sake Clarke, you scared the shit outta me!" My moment of fright somehow composing me in her presence.
I tried stepping around her but she took a step to the side blocking me off,
"Raven, how come you keep avoiding me?"
It was a simple question but I didn't know what the first thing I'd say should be. I decided to play dumb,
"I haven't been avoiding you Clarke."
I tried to walk past her again but she stopped me once more,
"Don't fucking lie to me Raven. You've been acting weird ever since we kissed at Octavia's party. You've been acting even weirder around me," she looked a bit confused as she continued, her features softening just a little, "Did I do something else to you for you to give me the cold shoulder? I thought we were passed the whole Finn thing."
I took in her appearance and noticed that she was trying to dress more casually, with jeans and a t-shirt but she still looked pretty fucking stylish and sexy. 'Wait what?'
I'd never been great at beating around the bush so as usual, I jumped in with both feet and gave it to her straight,
"Of course you did something to me! That kiss and you being you have been mindfucking me ever since. I feel all confused around you now and I can't tell how if what I'm feeling is real or not, which is why I've been trying to avoid you. But I can't avoid you and part of me doesn't want to and I don't know what to do."
We were both likely to be late for class but it didn't seem to matter to either of us now. She stared at me in surprise probably at my girliest outburst ever. I'd say I talk about my feelings as well as a guy does.
I'm sure that what I just said was not what she was expecting. As the silenced dragged on, it was apparent that she wanted to say something and she would open her mouth as if she was going to, only to close it again as if she thought better of it.
"Are you saying that you're…you're attracted to me Raven?" She finally managed.
"Yes. No. I don't know!" I responded with.
I felt immediately stupid for having said anything at all. I mean, why would Clarke Griffin, super popular, super smart and plain fucking hot feel the same about me? She was going to be a doctor or a famous artist; she already had boys throwing themselves left, right and centre at her so what would she see in me?
I doubt she was even attracted to girls anyway. I hadn't even considered being with a girl until after that kiss, but with that and the way I'd been treated by boys so far, I was ore open to the idea.
I really didn't want to think anymore about any of this shit. I couldn't be here in this same place as her and I needed to get away. She was starting to say something else but I cut her off,
"I gotta go, I'll see you later Clarke."
I turned my back on her confused face and walked out to the lot, hopping into my pickup and driving away. I drove around for awhile before I ended up back at home having not much else to do.
I was likely to get into trouble for ditching from both the school and my foster parents but whatever. I'd deal with that later. Right now I had the whole house to myself, so I opened the fridge, grabbing a beer and headed out to the garage to spend some more time fixing things and keeping my car in good nick.
I'm not sure how long I was in the garage but it must have been a few hours which I'd measured by the few beers I'd managed to down which gave me a slight buzz. I was underneath my car when I saw a pair of legs approach the garage up the driveway.
I had no idea who it was so I wheeled out from underneath the car and got up to see that it was Clarke. When she caught my gaze she smiled and I felt a strong flush of desire,
"What are you doing here princess?"
She frowns at my use of the nickname many have called her by as I grab my beer and take a sip before I remembered my manners which my foster parents tried so hard to drill into me, "You want one?" I asked holding up the beer.
She shook her head and I shrugged as if to say 'suit yourself.'
"I came here because I need your help with a problem," she paused to let it sink in and I nodded and waved my hand as if to say 'get on with it.'
"See there's this girl who might like another girl and every time she tries to talk to the other girl who she knows might like her back the other girl runs in the other direction almost as if she's scared of what she might be feeling."
It sounded like a fucking riddle but I eventually caught on,
"But what if the girl who runs has a good reason or two for running? She doesn't want to be fucking betrayed again by someone she might feel something for."
Clarke was unfazed by what I'd just said however. She stepped forward backing me up until I ran into the hood of my car as she stepped into my personal space,
"Then I'd say to that girl to give the other girl a chance and she might be surprised by what she finds."
I gulped, my throat suddenly dry, my usual snarky wit evading me. How was it that she was affecting me so much?
I watched her walk away from me slowly and she gave me one last smile before getting back into her car and driving away. I was still frozen in the same spot even for a few minutes after she left.
What the hell do I do now? Do I go after her? What would I even say?
Holy shit.
That kiss had turned into a full blown crush.
