Appleloosa
Chapter 3
"Well that was hardly what I was expecting," Applejack commented as the party stepped out into the thoroughfare.
"Some mayor! If he let's everypony do whatever they want, like I don't know, maybe buy half the town, what's the point of even having a mayor?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in a huff. "...Talking like we can't handle some sleazy businesspony..." she added mostly to herself.
"I'm sure Mr. Oolong does many things like... make laws," Fluttershy suggested quietly.
"Apparently, even the sheriff don't like his laws if that dramatic exit was any indication," Applejack responded, not sure why she felt the need to side with Dash. The yellow pegasus submitted through silence.
"Well I liked him! He was like a friendly cute grandpa!" Pinkie Pie asserted with a giggle which was met with a groan from her wife.
"You would. You would just love to gamble away our savings while sucking down tea with that senile old coot, wouldn't you?" Dash responded bitterly, dismissing Pinkie's approval. "Come on, let's get to The Pearl and size up this big shot," she continued as she gestured her wife to follow her.
"Actually, I was thinkin' we could join you at the saloon," Applejack suggested somewhat awkwardly, a hint of nervousness permeating her voice. Rainbow Dash stopped and quirked an eyebrow as she looked at her friend.
"Why? You have the key to the farm house. Don't you want to go check out your new home?" the pegasus inquired. The earth pony turned her eyes toward the ground.
"Well I figured we weren't in a rush and maybe y'all needed some backup," Applejack answered before turning to her wife. "If that's all right with you, sugarcube," she added.
"Oh it's fine. I've never been in a saloon before," Fluttershy responded, filled with naive enthusiasm.
"Whatever," Rainbow Dash conceded with a shrug. As the group made their way down Main Street, Applejack bit her lip in anticipation. She was glad that her excuse was bought without much consideration. She could never admit that her true motivation was the stranger on the balcony. She had a hunch that he was the same pony the mayor had mentioned but she needed to be sure. For some inexplicable reason, she felt the need to meet him face to face.
When the group finally arrived at The Pearl, they took a moment to take in the building. It loomed over them, casting an enormous afternoon shadow that engulfed much of the thoroughfare. Even the carving of a giant clam, pearl included, possessed an unsettling quality. They could hear the low wail of a piano as the muffled notes sailed over them from inside. The music almost sounded... sad. At this point, even Rainbow Dash was beginning to be affected. The pegasus quickly shook off the ominous feeling that was beginning to creep up her spine and the four ponies stepped inside.
"Well slap me thrice and hand me to me mum! Four mares, here, and to top it all off, it's only four o'clock! It must be my lucky day!" exclaimed a burgundy earth pony stallion that was standing behind the bar, a broad smile across his face. His accent was foreign, but apparently from a different part of Equestria than the mayor's.
"Oh... howdy," Applejack greeted, surprised by the sudden and enthusiastic bartender. His extremely short, blood red mane contrasted with his enormous size. He was at least two feet taller than the mares and his broad frame was complemented by a set of huge muscles.
"'Ello there! Welcome to The Pearl! Tray of salt for you? Maybe one on the house for the pretty little thing in the back?" he offered, shooting a wink at Fluttershy who immediately turned red and turned away, a flattered smile on her face.
"Oh my. I mean, oh no. I mean, no thank you... sir," the pegasus replied as she looked away, still blushing profusely.
"As you wish, poppit. Anypony else?" he inquired, unfazed by Fluttershy's awkward rejection.
"No!" Applejack responded for the group sharply, a twinge of jealousy in her voice.
"Actually, we're only here to speak with Black Hill," Rainbow Dash informed promptly, cutting to the chase. The bartender's smile gave way to a serious look of consideration.
"To what purpose, love?" he asked slowly. Dash had to roll her eyes and shake off his manner of speaking. She didn't particularly take kindly to being called 'love' by a stranger, especially a stallion.
"We're going to buy one of his lots," she explained bluntly. Without saying a word to Rainbow Dash, he looked over to a brown pegasus stallion seated at the piano who gave him a slight nod.
"Black! Some mares here to see you! Looking to see about a lot, they are!" he suddenly shouted up at the exposed second floor to an open door that was presumably the proprietor's office. The few saloon patrons that were in the building turned to the four mares with bewildered expressions before turning back to their own business at the bar, poker table, and the like.
"Okay Pinkie, because this is your bakery, you need to do the talking. It's how you deal with guys like this. He won't want to deal with an intermediary. Do you think you can handle it?" Rainbow Dash said in a low voice.
"Duh! Talking is what I do best, silly!" Pinkie replied enthusiastically. Her face composed into a serious look of determination that evaporated when a loud thud rang out through the saloon. It was followed by another, and then another as the slow and heavy footsteps grew louder until the open door was darkened by a dark gray unicorn stallion. His greasy, black, slicked back mane shone as he emerged from his office and leaned on the railing to observe the entirety of his saloon. Applejack's heart sank to her stomach upon realizing that it was the same unicorn who had stared her down. She made sure not to make eye contact with him as he surveyed the room.
"So these are the Ponyvillians I've been hearing about! Come from their civilized world to bestow culture, and courtesy, and every other fucking thing to us uncouth savages, squatting like beasts out on the fringe of society!" the unicorn called down with a grin as he made his way to the stairs. No one had any idea how to respond. He appeared to be jovial and outgoing, but there was something... dire about him. All of the mares could sense it, but they couldn't put their hooves on his exact nature.
"You've heard about us?" Pinkie asked cautiously, remembering her orders to do the talking whilst taking great pains to suppress her 'Pinkieness'.
"When one has a hoof on the throat of the town, one tends to hear things," he conceded with a slow nod.
"You mean pulse of the town," the pink mare corrected helpfully with a smile.
"What did I say?" the stallion asked coyly, a sly gleam in his eye. As the mares struggled with how to tackle the obviously rhetorical question, he arrived at the table they had been standing at. "Black Hill, owner and proprietor of the joint in which you now stand," he introduced, locking eyes with Pinkie whose constitution was already beginning to crumble.
"Hi there! My name's Pinkie Pie and-" she began.
"Pinkie Pie..." Black repeated with a bemused smirk.
"Umm... yeah. And this is Rainbow Dash, my wife," Pinkie continued, gesturing towards the pegasus.
"Your wife?" he asked as he arched a brow.
"My wife," Pinkie confirmed with an uncomfortable nod.
"...Your... wife?" the unicorn repeated in disbelief.
"Yes her wife!" Rainbow Dash shouted, taking a step forward and glaring at him. Black Hill's eyes widened in a moment of clarity.
"Ah," he said after a pause. Turning to Applejack and Fluttershy, he shook his hoof in their general direction. "And you two as well?" the unicorn asked bluntly.
"...Yep..." Applejack finally responded with a sigh. However, the mare was less insulted by his crudeness and more surprised that the saloon owner acted as if their encounter earlier in the day had never happened.
"My, oh my! Must be something in the fuckin' water over at Ponyville, huh?" Black said, a broad grin on his face.
"Hey! Who do you think you are, buddy?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed with a scowl as she stepped forward, fed up with his insensitivity. The unicorn raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise.
"The proper fuckin' question to be asking is not who I think I am, but simply, who the fuck I am. It'd do you fuckin' good to discover that some time, buddy," he uttered menacingly before his demeanor shifted back to joviality. "Let's forget the whole thing, huh? No fuckin' offense intended. You'll have to pardon me. I am stupidest when I try to be funny," he continued amicably before turning to the bartender. "Let's have a sack!" he called over, before the earth pony withdrew a brown sack from under the bar which was then hoisted into the air by Black's magic. The four mares could only watch as the unicorn took over the conversation. Even Rainbow Dash prevented herself from giving him further rebuke after his apology, regardless of how insincere it was. "To be honest, I'm surprised Gladius didn't scare you out of the joint before I made it downstairs," Black Hill said as he nodded to the bartender and opened the bag.
"Oh no. Not at all. He was very nice," Fluttershy spoke up, blushing slightly. The unicorn turned to her with an amused expression.
"Sure, his cheery oafishness is endearing at first, but it gets old very fuckin' quick," he responded and Gladius let out a hearty guffaw at his own expense. No one else laughed. "Salt?" he offered as he began pour white cubes from the sack into a small tray on the table. The mares looked at each other awkwardly before Applejack chose to speak up.
"Thank you kindly, but none of us partake," she informed.
"Well I hope it don't shatter your dainty sensibilities if I 'partake,' myself," Black Hill said before immediately licking up the tray and letting out a contented sigh.
"...Go right ahead..." Applejack deadpanned as he was setting the tray down. The saloon keeper eyed the orange earth pony carefully.
"Judging by the adorable hat, the drawling accent, and the little apples plastered on your flank, I take it you're the salt fiend's relation?" he observed.
"You mean Braeburn?" she asked, beginning to be numbed to irritation after having this conversation over and over. "He was my kin, name's Applejack," she added, already knowing the answer to her previous question.
"I fucking knew it. All of you apple picking cocksuckers have the same way about you. Come to take over his orchard then, no doubt?" Black said with a hint of inexplicable frustration in his voice.
"Yessir. Braeburn left me all his earthly possessions in his will," she confirmed proudly.
"His will..." the unicorn repeated loudly, shooting a sideways glare at Gladius who looked down sheepishly.
"Uhhh... Yessir," Applejack said, utterly confused. Black Hill looked back to her as his expression went from frustrated to compassionate.
"It's got to be quite the ordeal, abandoning your home to relocate in the fuckin' hinterlands, not accounting for the fact that there ain't a single acquaintance, relation, or even simply a soul that doesn't want to rob you fucking blind awaiting your arrival," he said sympathetically.
"I'm mighty grateful for the concern Mr. Hill, but I've got all the friends and family a pony could ask for right here," she asserted, gesturing to the mares beside her. The group smiled as the saloon keeper struggled to suppress a gag.
"Isn't that just darling?" he commented through his teeth, rolling his eyes. "Have you even considered the fucking headache of managing an entire apple operation on your own?" Black added, the feigned sympathy beginning to fade.
"I've done it before, sir... Pardon my askin', but what exactly are you gettin' at?" she asked hesitantly, beginning to see some sort of ulterior motive.
"Getting at? Oh, I'm not getting at anything! I'm just a concerned old pony who loses sleep every fucking night over the troubles and hardships of the young folk. It would just give me some precious peace of mind if I could take that cumbersome old orchard off your hooves, fair recompense included, of course..." Black Hill offered, his intense, almost flaring eyes contrasting sharply with the mellow sweetness of his voice.
"Meanin' you want to buy Appleloosa Orchards?" Applejack asked incredulously.
"How does one hundred and fifty thousand sound?" he said, narrowing his eyes. Applejack almost choked as her friends' jaws dropped.
"You're pullin' my leg..." the mare asserted, still absolutely dumbfounded.
"Serious as a slit throat," Black assured her, his stony expression not changing. Applejack closed her eyes, extremely tempted, but after a pregnant pause, she shook her head.
"Your offer is mighty generous, Mr. Hill, but that orchard is an Apple Family orchard, and no amount of bits could make me sell away my family's honor," Applejack said resolutely.
"Honor being a couple of fucking apple trees?" the unicorn hissed, venom dripping from every syllable. Applejack was taken aback by the sudden dissolving of Black Hill's kindly mood and simply blinked at him. After a moment, the unicorn sighed and and composed himself, pouring a few more salt cubes into the tray. He raised it up as if to toast. "Let's hope you run it better than your fucking cousin," he muttered before downing the salt. Applejack didn't understand the implication.
"You knew him?" she asked carefully.
"Braeburn? Of course! He was a regular here. How else do you think he became a salt fiend? He just couldn't get enough of Big Kahuna's music. Isn't that right B.K.?" he shouted over to the brown pegasus at the piano.
"Correctamundo, boss! Old Braeburn did enjoy a tune or two," Big Kahuna confirmed without ceasing his playing or even turning his head.
"Only when he was dehydrated out of his fuckin' mind, that is... See? Us degenerate lowlifes are all acquainted in some form or other. So glad you could join our humble ranks... Welcome to fucking Appleloosa!" he exclaimed in a resigned tone, toasting yet again with a third downing of salt. The unicorn grimaced as his cold eyes darted around as if he was deep in thought until Pinkie Pie finally spoke up.
"Ummm... Wasn't this meeting supposed to be about the lot...?" she asked timidly, secretly wishing she were anywhere else but the saloon. Black Hill snapped back to reality and narrowed his gaze at Pinkie.
"Of course! The fuckin' lot! You'll have to forgive me. I'm an old bastard, losing my train of thought and going off on tangents and the like. Which one did you have in mind?" he said, his amiable, businesspony demeanor returning.
"Lot fourteen, pretty please with sugar lumps on top!" Pinkie replied before darting a hoof to her mouth, embarrassed that she let her 'Pinkieness' slip through. Black, however, didn't seem to notice with the potential transaction on the table.
"Prime fuckin' location! If there was anymore foot traffic, they'd have to call it a riot! Rent's seventy dollars a day to The Pearl. Tent only. No construction," the unicorn informed. The way he spoke gave away his business experience as well as his mastery of negotiation.
"Actually, we were looking to buy it, mister. A bakery can't bake many baked goods in a tent," she said, a bit of animation returning to the earth pony.
"...A bakery?" Black asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Mmhmm! We'll be giving out free samples to everpony when we open so you can have all the tasty tasteables you can eat!" she elaborated.
"You hear that boys? Finally! Our barbaric lust for cupcakes can be sated at last!" he shouted to Gladius and Big Kahuna who simply grinned as they worked. "How do I find myself perpetually beset by bewilderment?" he groaned to himself while rubbing the top of his snout.
"I'm prepared to pay..." she trailed off as she looked over to Rainbow Dash helplessly who then mouthed a silent number. "...five thousand," she continued.
"You'd pay seven thousand," Black countered as he paced thoughtfully.
"What if I told you we would?" she asked slyly, beginning to feel more and more comfortable.
"I'd tell you that price isn't the present fucking issue," he snapped at her, visibly bothered by something. "What's your connection with Canterlot?" he asked suddenly, turning to her.
"Ummmmm... what?" she gaped him.
"In the process of hearing things about you filly foolers, I happened to hear that you have friends in high places, specifically at the right hoof of Princess Celestia herself, that haughty cunt," he seethed. Pinkie and her friends were baffled.
"I'm sorry Mr. Hill, but I don't understand..." Pinkie said quietly, her confidence crumbling once again.
"At least she has her backwoods, inbred, bumpkin 'honor' to account for her presence in the town!" he shouted, waving a hoof at Applejack before turning back to Pinkie. "What's your excuse? A fuckin' bakery? You honestly expect me to be fooled by that fairy tale and set you up in a prime location not a block from my joint with backing from the cocksuckers in Canterlot?" he exclaimed, his eyes turning wild. Pinkie could only shrink back, speechless and dumbfounded. Rainbow Dash quickly stepped in between the two.
"You better watch your tone, Black. I don't care who you are, you do not speak to my wife like that. I'm not sure what sort of ridiculous rumors you've heard, but we aren't spies for Canterlot, or secret competition, or whatever you think we are. Pinkie is just trying to live her dream and open up her own bakery. That's all. You have our offer," the pegasus explained passionately with an intensity in her eyes that matched Black's. The two stared at each other for a long while until the unicorn finally broke his silence.
"As touching of a story as that is, spare me the fucking waterworks. Here's my counteroffer to your offer: go fuck yourself!" he yelled irately before turning around to ascend back up the stairs. The entire saloon turned to gape at the four mares who simply walked out without another word.
"Well that was hardly what I was expecting," Applejack commented as the party stepped out into the thoroughfare.
"Some mayor! If he let's everypony do whatever they want, like I don't know, maybe buy half the town, what's the point of even having a mayor?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in a huff. "...Talking like we can't handle some sleazy businesspony..." she added mostly to herself.
"I'm sure Mr. Oolong does many things like... make laws," Fluttershy suggested quietly.
"Apparently, even the sheriff don't like his laws if that dramatic exit was any indication," Applejack responded, not sure why she felt the need to side with Dash. The yellow pegasus submitted through silence.
"Well I liked him! He was like a friendly cute grandpa!" Pinkie Pie asserted with a giggle which was met with a groan from her wife.
"You would. You would just love to gamble away our savings while sucking down tea with that senile old coot, wouldn't you?" Dash responded bitterly, dismissing Pinkie's approval. "Come on, let's get to The Pearl and size up this big shot," she continued as she gestured her wife to follow her.
"Actually, I was thinkin' we could join you at the saloon," Applejack suggested somewhat awkwardly, a hint of nervousness permeating her voice. Rainbow Dash stopped and quirked an eyebrow as she looked at her friend.
"Why? You have the key to the farm house. Don't you want to go check out your new home?" the pegasus inquired. The earth pony turned her eyes toward the ground.
"Well I figured we weren't in a rush and maybe y'all needed some backup," Applejack answered before turning to her wife. "If that's all right with you, sugarcube," she added.
"Oh it's fine. I've never been in a saloon before," Fluttershy responded, filled with naive enthusiasm.
"Whatever," Rainbow Dash conceded with a shrug. As the group made their way down Main Street, Applejack bit her lip in anticipation. She was glad that her excuse was bought without much consideration. She could never admit that her true motivation was the stranger on the balcony. She had a hunch that he was the same pony the mayor had mentioned but she needed to be sure. For some inexplicable reason, she felt the need to meet him face to face.
When the group finally arrived at The Pearl, they took a moment to take in the building. It loomed over them, casting an enormous afternoon shadow that engulfed much of the thoroughfare. Even the carving of a giant clam, pearl included, possessed an unsettling quality. They could hear the low wail of a piano as the muffled notes sailed over them from inside. The music almost sounded... sad. At this point, even Rainbow Dash was beginning to be affected. The pegasus quickly shook off the ominous feeling that was beginning to creep up her spine and the four ponies stepped inside.
"Well slap me thrice and hand me to me mum! Four mares, here, and to top it all off, it's only four o'clock! It must be my lucky day!" exclaimed a burgundy earth pony stallion that was standing behind the bar, a broad smile across his face. His accent was foreign, but apparently from a different part of Equestria than the mayor's.
"Oh... howdy," Applejack greeted, surprised by the sudden and enthusiastic bartender. His extremely short, blood red mane contrasted with his enormous size. He was at least two feet taller than the mares and his broad frame was complemented by a set of huge muscles.
"'Ello there! Welcome to The Pearl! Tray of salt for you? Maybe one on the house for the pretty little thing in the back?" he offered, shooting a wink at Fluttershy who immediately turned red and turned away, a flattered smile on her face.
"Oh my. I mean, oh no. I mean, no thank you... sir," the pegasus replied as she looked away, still blushing profusely.
"As you wish, poppit. Anypony else?" he inquired, unfazed by Fluttershy's awkward rejection.
"No!" Applejack responded for the group sharply, a twinge of jealousy in her voice.
"Actually, we're only here to speak with Black Hill," Rainbow Dash informed promptly, cutting to the chase. The bartender's smile gave way to a serious look of consideration.
"To what purpose, love?" he asked slowly. Dash had to roll her eyes and shake off his manner of speaking. She didn't particularly take kindly to being called 'love' by a stranger, especially a stallion.
"We're going to buy one of his lots," she explained bluntly. Without saying a word to Rainbow Dash, he looked over to a brown pegasus stallion seated at the piano who gave him a slight nod.
"Black! Some mares here to see you! Looking to see about a lot, they are!" he suddenly shouted up at the exposed second floor to an open door that was presumably the proprietor's office. The few saloon patrons that were in the building turned to the four mares with bewildered expressions before turning back to their own business at the bar, poker table, and the like.
"Okay Pinkie, because this is your bakery, you need to do the talking. It's how you deal with guys like this. He won't want to deal with an intermediary. Do you think you can handle it?" Rainbow Dash said in a low voice.
"Duh! Talking is what I do best, silly!" Pinkie replied enthusiastically. Her face composed into a serious look of determination that evaporated when a loud thud rang out through the saloon. It was followed by another, and then another as the slow and heavy footsteps grew louder until the open door was darkened by a dark gray unicorn stallion. His greasy, black, slicked back mane shone as he emerged from his office and leaned on the railing to observe the entirety of his saloon. Applejack's heart sank to her stomach upon realizing that it was the same unicorn who had stared her down. She made sure not to make eye contact with him as he surveyed the room.
"So these are the Ponyvillians I've been hearing about! Come from their civilized world to bestow culture, and courtesy, and every other fucking thing to us uncouth savages, squatting like beasts out on the fringe of society!" the unicorn called down with a grin as he made his way to the stairs. No one had any idea how to respond. He appeared to be jovial and outgoing, but there was something... dire about him. All of the mares could sense it, but they couldn't put their hooves on his exact nature.
"You've heard about us?" Pinkie asked cautiously, remembering her orders to do the talking whilst taking great pains to suppress her 'Pinkieness'.
"When one has a hoof on the throat of the town, one tends to hear things," he conceded with a slow nod.
"You mean pulse of the town," the pink mare corrected helpfully with a smile.
"What did I say?" the stallion asked coyly, a sly gleam in his eye. As the mares struggled with how to tackle the obviously rhetorical question, he arrived at the table they had been standing at. "Black Hill, owner and proprietor of the joint in which you now stand," he introduced, locking eyes with Pinkie whose constitution was already beginning to crumble.
"Hi there! My name's Pinkie Pie and-" she began.
"Pinkie Pie..." Black repeated with a bemused smirk.
"Umm... yeah. And this is Rainbow Dash, my wife," Pinkie continued, gesturing towards the pegasus.
"Your wife?" he asked as he arched a brow.
"My wife," Pinkie confirmed with an uncomfortable nod.
"...Your... wife?" the unicorn repeated in disbelief.
"Yes her wife!" Rainbow Dash shouted, taking a step forward and glaring at him. Black Hill's eyes widened in a moment of clarity.
"Ah," he said after a pause. Turning to Applejack and Fluttershy, he shook his hoof in their general direction. "And you two as well?" the unicorn asked bluntly.
"...Yep..." Applejack finally responded with a sigh. However, the mare was less insulted by his crudeness and more surprised that the saloon owner acted as if their encounter earlier in the day had never happened.
"My, oh my! Must be something in the fuckin' water over at Ponyville, huh?" Black said, a broad grin on his face.
"Hey! Who do you think you are, buddy?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed with a scowl as she stepped forward, fed up with his insensitivity. The unicorn raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise.
"The proper fuckin' question to be asking is not who I think I am, but simply, who the fuck I am. It'd do you fuckin' good to discover that some time, buddy," he uttered menacingly before his demeanor shifted back to joviality. "Let's forget the whole thing, huh? No fuckin' offense intended. You'll have to pardon me. I am stupidest when I try to be funny," he continued amicably before turning to the bartender. "Let's have a sack!" he called over, before the earth pony withdrew a brown sack from under the bar which was then hoisted into the air by Black's magic. The four mares could only watch as the unicorn took over the conversation. Even Rainbow Dash prevented herself from giving him further rebuke after his apology, regardless of how insincere it was. "To be honest, I'm surprised Gladius didn't scare you out of the joint before I made it downstairs," Black Hill said as he nodded to the bartender and opened the bag.
"Oh no. Not at all. He was very nice," Fluttershy spoke up, blushing slightly. The unicorn turned to her with an amused expression.
"Sure, his cheery oafishness is endearing at first, but it gets old very fuckin' quick," he responded and Gladius let out a hearty guffaw at his own expense. No one else laughed. "Salt?" he offered as he began pour white cubes from the sack into a small tray on the table. The mares looked at each other awkwardly before Applejack chose to speak up.
"Thank you kindly, but none of us partake," she informed.
"Well I hope it don't shatter your dainty sensibilities if I 'partake,' myself," Black Hill said before immediately licking up the tray and letting out a contented sigh.
"...Go right ahead..." Applejack deadpanned as he was setting the tray down. The saloon keeper eyed the orange earth pony carefully.
"Judging by the adorable hat, the drawling accent, and the little apples plastered on your flank, I take it you're the salt fiend's relation?" he observed.
"You mean Braeburn?" she asked, beginning to be numbed to irritation after having this conversation over and over. "He was my kin, name's Applejack," she added, already knowing the answer to her previous question.
"I fucking knew it. All of you apple picking cocksuckers have the same way about you. Come to take over his orchard then, no doubt?" Black said with a hint of inexplicable frustration in his voice.
"Yessir. Braeburn left me all his earthly possessions in his will," she confirmed proudly.
"His will..." the unicorn repeated loudly, shooting a sideways glare at Gladius who looked down sheepishly.
"Uhhh... Yessir," Applejack said, utterly confused. Black Hill looked back to her as his expression went from frustrated to compassionate.
"It's got to be quite the ordeal, abandoning your home to relocate in the fuckin' hinterlands, not accounting for the fact that there ain't a single acquaintance, relation, or even simply a soul that doesn't want to rob you fucking blind awaiting your arrival," he said sympathetically.
"I'm mighty grateful for the concern Mr. Hill, but I've got all the friends and family a pony could ask for right here," she asserted, gesturing to the mares beside her. The group smiled as the saloon keeper struggled to suppress a gag.
"Isn't that just darling?" he commented through his teeth, rolling his eyes. "Have you even considered the fucking headache of managing an entire apple operation on your own?" Black added, the feigned sympathy beginning to fade.
"I've done it before, sir... Pardon my askin', but what exactly are you gettin' at?" she asked hesitantly, beginning to see some sort of ulterior motive.
"Getting at? Oh, I'm not getting at anything! I'm just a concerned old pony who loses sleep every fucking night over the troubles and hardships of the young folk. It would just give me some precious peace of mind if I could take that cumbersome old orchard off your hooves, fair recompense included, of course..." Black Hill offered, his intense, almost flaring eyes contrasting sharply with the mellow sweetness of his voice.
"Meanin' you want to buy Appleloosa Orchards?" Applejack asked incredulously.
"How does one hundred and fifty thousand sound?" he said, narrowing his eyes. Applejack almost choked as her friends' jaws dropped.
"You're pullin' my leg..." the mare asserted, still absolutely dumbfounded.
"Serious as a slit throat," Black assured her, his stony expression not changing. Applejack closed her eyes, extremely tempted, but after a pregnant pause, she shook her head.
"Your offer is mighty generous, Mr. Hill, but that orchard is an Apple Family orchard, and no amount of bits could make me sell away my family's honor," Applejack said resolutely.
"Honor being a couple of fucking apple trees?" the unicorn hissed, venom dripping from every syllable. Applejack was taken aback by the sudden dissolving of Black Hill's kindly mood and simply blinked at him. After a moment, the unicorn sighed and and composed himself, pouring a few more salt cubes into the tray. He raised it up as if to toast. "Let's hope you run it better than your fucking cousin," he muttered before downing the salt. Applejack didn't understand the implication.
"You knew him?" she asked carefully.
"Braeburn? Of course! He was a regular here. How else do you think he became a salt fiend? He just couldn't get enough of Big Kahuna's music. Isn't that right B.K.?" he shouted over to the brown pegasus at the piano.
"Correctamundo, boss! Old Braeburn did enjoy a tune or two," Big Kahuna confirmed without ceasing his playing or even turning his head.
"Only when he was dehydrated out of his fuckin' mind, that is... See? Us degenerate lowlifes are all acquainted in some form or other. So glad you could join our humble ranks... Welcome to fucking Appleloosa!" he exclaimed in a resigned tone, toasting yet again with a third downing of salt. The unicorn grimaced as his cold eyes darted around as if he was deep in thought until Pinkie Pie finally spoke up.
"Ummm... Wasn't this meeting supposed to be about the lot...?" she asked timidly, secretly wishing she were anywhere else but the saloon. Black Hill snapped back to reality and narrowed his gaze at Pinkie.
"Of course! The fuckin' lot! You'll have to forgive me. I'm an old bastard, losing my train of thought and going off on tangents and the like. Which one did you have in mind?" he said, his amiable, businesspony demeanor returning.
"Lot fourteen, pretty please with sugar lumps on top!" Pinkie replied before darting a hoof to her mouth, embarrassed that she let her 'Pinkieness' slip through. Black, however, didn't seem to notice with the potential transaction on the table.
"Prime fuckin' location! If there was anymore foot traffic, they'd have to call it a riot! Rent's seventy dollars a day to The Pearl. Tent only. No construction," the unicorn informed. The way he spoke gave away his business experience as well as his mastery of negotiation.
"Actually, we were looking to buy it, mister. A bakery can't bake many baked goods in a tent," she said, a bit of animation returning to the earth pony.
"...A bakery?" Black asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Mmhmm! We'll be giving out free samples to everpony when we open so you can have all the tasty tasteables you can eat!" she elaborated.
"You hear that boys? Finally! Our barbaric lust for cupcakes can be sated at last!" he shouted to Gladius and Big Kahuna who simply grinned as they worked. "How do I find myself perpetually beset by bewilderment?" he groaned to himself while rubbing the top of his snout.
"I'm prepared to pay..." she trailed off as she looked over to Rainbow Dash helplessly who then mouthed a silent number. "...five thousand," she continued.
"You'd pay seven thousand," Black countered as he paced thoughtfully.
"What if I told you we would?" she asked slyly, beginning to feel more and more comfortable.
"I'd tell you that price isn't the present fucking issue," he snapped at her, visibly bothered by something. "What's your connection with Canterlot?" he asked suddenly, turning to her.
"Ummmmm... what?" she gaped him.
"In the process of hearing things about you filly foolers, I happened to hear that you have friends in high places, specifically at the right hoof of Princess Celestia herself, that haughty cunt," he seethed. Pinkie and her friends were baffled.
"I'm sorry Mr. Hill, but I don't understand..." Pinkie said quietly, her confidence crumbling once again.
"At least she has her backwoods, inbred, bumpkin 'honor' to account for her presence in the town!" he shouted, waving a hoof at Applejack before turning back to Pinkie. "What's your excuse? A fuckin' bakery? You honestly expect me to be fooled by that fairy tale and set you up in a prime location not a block from my joint with backing from the cocksuckers in Canterlot?" he exclaimed, his eyes turning wild. Pinkie could only shrink back, speechless and dumbfounded. Rainbow Dash quickly stepped in between the two.
"You better watch your tone, Black. I don't care who you are, you do not speak to my wife like that. I'm not sure what sort of ridiculous rumors you've heard, but we aren't spies for Canterlot, or secret competition, or whatever you think we are. Pinkie is just trying to live her dream and open up her own bakery. That's all. You have our offer," the pegasus explained passionately with an intensity in her eyes that matched Black's. The two stared at each other for a long while until the unicorn finally broke his silence.
"As touching of a story as that is, spare me the fucking waterworks. Here's my counteroffer to your offer: go fuck yourself!" he yelled irately before turning around to ascend back up the stairs. The entire saloon turned to gape at the four mares who simply walked out without another word.
