I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related!


Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and hero wannabe friends to the third instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(Professor does so, and three envelopes come out)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from-Hey it's from Kurisita1!

Professor: Kurisita1? Do you mean the same Kurisita1 who was fond of our FMA Abridged and who wanted to borrow the talking manga idea in her own parody of 'Fruit Baskets' and that included a character called 'Commenter' and we all thought she adopted it from you and you got excited that you were influencing people then got disappointed when it turned out she already had an idea for it before reading the commentaries?

Commentator: No it's a completely different Kurisita1 who responded to a completely different commentary.

Professor: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Sir.

Commentator: Yeah well stupid questions are the lowest form of intelligence, Prof! Well anyway, let's see what she has to say:

haha yes! make fun of Jess! Bwahahaha!

Jess? Hey Prof, have we encountered a character named Jess in this series yet?

Professor: Not at all, Sir. Perhaps it is the name of one of the actors?

Commentator: Nah it doesn't ring a bell. Hold on, Jess, Jess, Jess…Je-JESUS? SHE THINKS WE WERE MAKING FUN OF JESUS? We weren't making fun of Jesus! We were making fun of Christian Fundamentalism for getting the wrong end of the stick about Christianity and making a fuss about all these things that aren't sins at all! I mean seriously, from the way a number of fanatics act you'd think that in the Bible that there are strict commandments that say 'thou shalt not gamble' or 'thou shalt not drink alcohol' or 'thou shalt not believe that humans and all animals are related' or 'thou shalt not not believe in Christ' or 'thou shalt not have sex with someone of the same sex'-

Professor: Um, Sir? I'm afraid there is such a commandment like that. The Pentateuch clearly forbids a man to lie with another man.

Commentator: Yeah well, okay, but there's nothing in there about a woman having sex with another woman, is there?

Professor: -I suppose.

Commentator: Besides the Pentateuch was written during a time when it was believed that all human beings were freely and potentially attracted to both the opposite as well as the same sex, and the writers probably felt that there was a danger that all the men would only sleep with men and then no babies would be produced and it would be the end of society. We of course now know that this is not the case and that the great majority of people are attracted to the opposite sex with a minority to the same sex so there's not this danger of human extinction.

Professor: Try winning everyone with that argument, Sir. Okay, homosexuality aside, the bible does clearly state that those who believe-

Clock: TING!

Commentator: What the-? We're out of time already?

Professor: These long paragraphs tend to take up a bit of the word count.

Commentator: It looks like we may have to continue this religious discussion later.

Professor: No we don't. Don't try to put off our readers with five hundred words of you trying to convert them to your liberal views.

Commentator: Well excuse me for trying to convince people that these creationist, anti-gay rights, pro-probation, anti-gambling, anti-non Christian fanatics who treat suicides like murderers or rapists do not hold the keys to Heaven like everyone think they do! Ahem, without further ado, here's 'A Collision of Hiros'!


Last time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)', Claire Bennett got to meet her (Apparent) biological parents.

HRG: So, how were the bios?

Claire: High school sweethearts? They were like a cliché! If I didn't know any better, I think it was all a set up by an ambiguously evil organisation who didn't want me to find out about my real parents! Then I'd think that an ambiguously evil organisation would have used a much better story than these two!

HRG: …Erm, yes, of course. There's no way it's a set up because of that!


Meanwhile in New York, Nathan has accused Peter of setting Dr Suresh, a geneticist that Peter had mentioned before who knew about abilities, on him.

Nathan: Now on a completely different topic, here's some money. I don't want you to show your face in public after publicly humiliating me when no one was around-OW! MY NOSE! YOU BROKE MY NOSE! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WHY?

Peter: Why? WHY? First, you try to have nothing to do with me. Then, you insult my career choice. Then you make me think I'm crazy, then you tell the whole world that I tried to commit suicide, and to top it all off you try to bribe me to not show my face?

Nathan: What's your point?

Peter: I'm surprised the real Peter Petrelli didn't punch you again! Just to let you know, you've lost my vote.

Nathan: Yeah, like one vote will make a diff-

Door: SLAM!

Nathan: OW, MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!


Meanwhile Isaac Mendez, a man who can paint the future, confronts his ex-girlfriend for kissing another man after they had broken up. Yes. They weren't even on a break.

Isaac: Look at this!

Simone: Gasp! You followed me?

Isaac: -Yes Simone. I was standing there in the rain drawing you two kiss in under a second just so I could show it to you afterwards when I could have used a camera. And you think I'm crazy!


Meanwhile Monhinder has decided to return to Madras since he's getting nowhere with the mutant hunting thing.

Mohinder: I've decided to return to Madras since I'm getting nowhere with the mutant hunting thing.

Eden: But Mohinder! What about the serial killer who's hunting mutants and killed your father?

Mohinder: Let them die, I say!

Door: KNOCK KNOCK

Mohinder: Now who could that be?

Eden: Maybe it's a mutant who's arrived just at the minute you've decided to give up, who will introduce you to a world of mutants and a great destiny?

Mohinder: Please! Fate isn't that generous!

Eden: Just promise me that you won't get all suddenly sceptical for no reason by the next part, okay?

Mohinder: Who do you think I am, Dana Scully?

Door: OPEN

Peter: Hi there, I'm-

Mohinder: Oh God it's you again! Come to offend me more, have you?

Peter: -Have we met?

Mohinder: You don't remember me?

Peter: I think I would at least recognise your voice.

Mohinder: Oh crap. This means that I have to explain everything again, isn't it? Just to let you know before you start greeting me in Arabic, I'm not from the Middle East, I'm from India. Completely different part of the world, I assure you. And only about one out of ten of us are Muslim!

Peter: OH CRAP! THE CRABBY CABDRIVER FROM BEFORE WHO GOT CRABBY BECAUSE I MISTOOK HIS ETHNICITY AND ASSUMED ENGLISH WASN'T HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE! (Backing away) Look, I'm sorry about before, man! I'm American, I just assume everyone with brown skin's from the Middle East and I'm highly ignorant of world geography-

Mohinder: Calm down, I'm not going to bite your head off. I'm sorry about before. I just got really frustrated when people mistook my ethnicity and displayed ignorance about my country, that's all. It's like if you were in a different country and people kept mistaking you for being European and speaking to you in different European languages apart from English, and when you finally reveal that you're from America, they think you speak American and English is just a language you learnt as an adult.

Peter: Er, yeah, sure.

Mohinder: Well anyway, what are you doing here?

Peter: Oh I'm here to see Chandra Suresh. I heard he was in town, so-

Mohinder: Wait. How did you even find out where I lived?

Peter: -I-don't-know.

And so, Mohinder meets his first mutant- but doesn't believe Peter and has gotten all suddenly sceptical for no reason like Dana Scully. So Peter tries to convince him by taking him to precognitive, Isaac, who's ability Mohinder also expresses scepticism.

Mohinder: I don't believe this man can paint the future.

Peter: Okay, excuse me for breaking the fourth wall but what's the matter with you?

Mohinder: -Huh?

Peter: Why are you suddenly sceptical about the whole mutant thing? I mean breaking continuity with a previous episode is one thing, but in the middle of an episode? That's just bad writing!

Mohinder: I never really believed in the mutant thing. I was only trying to follow in my father's footsteps.

Peter: What are you talking about? You did believe it, anyone listening to your lecture in the first episode would see that you believed in it with the passion you had! Mohinder? Hello? (Waves hand in front of face. Realises that the whole train has frozen)

Future Hiro: Hello Peter. My name is Hiro Nakamura. I am from the future, and I have a message…


Peter: Mohinder! A man from the future was just here and told me that I need to save a cheerleader in order to save the world!

Mohinder: Save the cheerleader to save the world? Peter, do you realise how insane that sounds? Like pushing a button on a remote island keeps the world safe! Unless the cheerleader is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Peter: I first thought that but he was very adamant that this was a completely different teen blond cheerleader with regenerative abilities and has the power to come back from the dead.

Mohinder: Well then even though you clearly moved from one part of the carriage to another in the blink of an eye which supports your belief that time had been stopped, I'm going to just assume that you're crazy and attempt to leave the series.


Meanwhile while in Vegas, HRG and his sidekick the Haitian attempted to kidnap Nathan while asleep, but he managed to escape and stopped by at a diner.

Nathan: Yes. I'm semi-naked. Can I have some clothes, please?

Commentator: Let me get this straight. You make a big deal about your mother's shoplifting and your brother being bad for your polls, yet your unabashed to be semi-naked in a public place with no explanation? ??????????? is all I have to say!

Nathan: This isn't the district I'm trying to get elected to. I can act however I like without being ashamed here.

Commentator: -That's true, I guess.


Peter: Isaac! I believe in your ability to paint the future!

Isaac: Ability? What ability? I can't paint the future, no one can.

Peter: Have I picked up this ability that makes everyone I talked to unbelievably sceptical or something?

Scully Syndrome Inducing Mutant: Oh actually that's my ability. Sorry. My bad!

Can Peter and Isaac save the cheerleader and save the world? Will Mohinder ever return to the series? And will the Scully Syndrome Inducing Mutant strike again? Join us next time for 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!