Hellooooo...another update cos I was listening to a lot of crazy pop...seemed to work with the story...and my dog is my muse lol! If you can't guess what Ryan is singing in this chapter...you have been living under a rock...it is of course the infuriatingly addictive blurred lines. In deep voice "I know you want it!" Argh! I HATE IT AND LOVE IT ALL AT ONCE!
Thank you so much for all the lovely followers and favorites...it was so nice to see familiar names :) and of course the reviews so ta very much too...
Lasgalendil : I have no idea what you mean with "strange accent accented strange definitely," ? Just I don't know sorry lol? *sighs* I think we need to establish something here...Levi is, how we would say where I am from, an eejit. "Miss," and the strong independent female remarks are sarcasm. Though frankly the term "Ms," is mostly used with older females were the awkward situation arises and Lee is still very young so i didn't feel the need to be PC with her (I am in my twenties and would die off if someone referred to me as Ms my god I am much to young to debated as married or not) Plus I am not writing a PC fic (its a ridiculous made only for my amusement story and if anyone else likes it that is a major bonus) and as much as I appreciate were you are coming from I feel it is a bit nit picky. i agree the first chapter was a little messy even for my standards but as I say I was just having fun and being silly that evening (stressful day in work needed the release) But I've received some lovely guidance which was very appreciated. I thought most kids got taught basic first aid? Jezz I even know how to use a portable de-fib? Well my bad I just assumed! And kudos for realizing she got it all back to front, no-one commented on that I was so waiting for someone to go "Huh?" (like why would you slap someone?) yip it's safe to say you would not want Levi administering first aid! Oh absolutely much more description will be implemented in future chapters, I am generally very over descriptive, but I tend to hold back to see if it is worth my while really going for a story if no-one likes it. Oh and they never went to a hospital he refused treatment on site, he's an elf I'm pretty he bounces back pretty quick, but clearly that would be the descriptive error you were poking at, also could you imagine the drama of medical insurance, personal details, next of kin? A headache I was not prepared to have. I assume you didn't feel the need to read anymore because most of your queries were brought up in the second chapter, her introspective moment blah blah...look I'm gonna be honest this is silly stuff, fluffy and literally a guilty pleasure. Yea it will probably have serious overtones at a later point but at the moment its just fun, and I want to keep it that way instead of making it heavy and introspective. The rest of my stories tend to be like that and this is just a break away from the norm, If your looking for something deeper maybe this isn't really for you. But thanks anyway for taking the time to review you obviously felt very strongly and that of course is always appreciated.
Rousdower: THANK YOU MY WONDERFUL FRIEND...I need to reply to your questions from earlier email...give me a little while I have host of stuff to impart...meet you at the mind palace/cosmos place/cyber room at some point in the very near future...I am putting a leash on Digby in case you decide to throw him into a black hole too! Very worrying...please don't throw me in when I hit you with something *eeeppp* Yes american cultural education would be awesome (see very american) and the less normal or typical the better :D I like cookey craziness for this story :D
Simply Supreme; Ahhhh you are too kind! Know they werem't usually my type of stories either but then I had ideas and ideas turned into plot lines and plot lines turned into chapters...and now I'm hooked! So hopeful you will enjoy this story it's a little sillier and crazier than my other stuff, but I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and review! Really touched ta! :D
Dare I ask...review? Follow? Favorite? *gives puppy dog eyes*
3. it's all in a Name
A sound that can only be described as a high pitched wail splits through my ears sending a jolt of shock through my sleeping body. What in the hell was that? I bounce awake but forget that I had slept on the sofa last night, and in my scramble roll off said sofa and end up face first on the wooden floor; I grumble into the floorboards and start slapping my hands around the ground like a deranged seal, or possibly a walrus, looking for my iphone whilst trying to distinguish what on earth that squeaky keening noise is?
I spy the shiny black sheen of my phone glinting at me from under the sofa and claw it out. I clumsily bash it until I actually make it light up and squint to make out the time. My eyes pop open in alarm when I realise I have slept in, it is eight thirty in the morning this is entirely unacceptable I need to be at the bakery for seven forty five at the latest. In an attempt to stand erect and actually physically move, I lunge forward but catch my feet on the blankets that have conveniently wrapped around my ankles, and again do a rather wonderful chin dive across my living room floor;
"Grrrreeeaat!" I hiss and slap my hands over my head, "Just great."
A few minutes pass and I suddenly realise the high pitch wailing is Ryan attempting his best Pharrell impression and he is regrettably getting closer;
"Annnd that's why Imma take a good giiirrrl, I know you want it, wooo, I know you want it! wooo" Ryan rocks into my lounge all bright eyed and bushy tailed and point's to me mid sing-a-long whilst shimming his shoulders.
I prop my elbow up to rest my chin in my palm and raise an eyebrow;
"Well good morning Pharrell!"
"Actually only the 'woooo,' is Pharrell so actually it is, 'good morning Mr Thicke," He laughs breezily and I roll my eyes. "So whatcha doin' on the floor?" he asks with a curious look.
"It is my physical reaction to your singing," I mutter with a dead pan expression; "It terrifies me that much that I resort to throwing myself off things."
Ryan scowls and just continues to hum really loud and poke about my living room. I clamber to my feet and wrap the blanket around my shoulders all whilst glaring at him;
"Why didn't you wake me?" I accuse and shove my phone in his face; "It's nearly nine I should have been at the bakery hours ago!"
"I assumed that with our new guest you would be taking the day off," he replies and shoves my phone back towards me whilst gesturing in the general vicinity of my bedroom; "Who by the way is still dead to the world."
"Shit! I never thought about that? There is no way he is ready for the outside world yet, argh this is worse than having a child!" I gripe and start pacing the floor getting a little caught up in my blanket robe so I appear a little likes a bandaged mummy. "Maybe if I phone Trixie she'll open up and hold the fort, I think I have enough in the store to cover us for the day, oh but there is no lemon meringue!"
"I am way ahead of you!" Ryan exclaims proudly and rests his hands on his hips giving an almost superhero pose; "Trixie is happy to oblige us for the day."
"She is?" I ask rather dubiously it is not like my only waitress to be so obliging.
"Yea sure but you are paying her double time for it, 'kay?" Ryan adds sheepishly and I sigh loudly, well it's not like I can complain she is doing me a favour. I am such a crap boss my employees walk all over me.
"Right so I guess we need to come up with an action plan?" I mumble and give Ryan a meaningful look; "And I think we need to be realistic and realise this is probably going to be a long term situation, not unless you have figured out how to open a worm hole overnight?"
"Negative to the worm hole but kudos for the creative suggestion," Ryan nods his head and beckons me to follow him so I sleepily shuffle after him.
He flounces into my spare room which has suddenly become his private study. Every inch of the bed is covered in scribbled on paper, and a rather crude map has been drawn up and tacked to my wall. I try to refrain from jabbing my finger furiously at the pins in my newly repapered walls and take calming breaths. His laptop buzzes on the floor and around it sits several dirty mugs, a cereal bowl and what remains of my cookie stash.
"Is. That. My. M&M's?" I accuse and point to a large but empty bag of M&M's, to which Ryan simply gives me a guilty look and shrugs innocently; "You snarfed all my M&M's? Ryan I was saving them for an emergency!"
"And a fictional character being washed up on a beach is not an emergency?" Ryan asks with a cocked eyebrow and plonks himself down by his laptop again.
"An emergency for ME!" I cry and mournfully pick up the empty bag to stroke it longingly. "The awful thing is you would not have appreciated the stress relieving qualities that chocolate possesses because you lack a female chromosome!"
"Husssh up!" Ryan sighs and bashes his keyboard; "I'll buy you more, now do you want to listen to my theories or not?"
I pout for a bit but decide I can probably sacrifice one bag of my beloved treat in the pursuit of knowledge. So I tentatively perch on the edge of the bed and try to look alert, I did not sleep well last night and although Ryan insisted he take the sofa I had been stubborn and accused him of being anti-feminist, so with that he relented and I suffered a horrible nights rest. If I had of known he had not been planning on sleeping I would have fully taken advantage of his offer. I feel a little fuzzy still and sorely regret not making myself some coffee; I really need coffee for this level of intellectual functioning first thing in the morning.
"So I consulted the internet nerds," Ryan begins and points to his screen, "I figured I could pose some hypothetical questions to them, say, would an elf ever get refused entry to Valinor?"
"And is that possible?" I ask trying to recall our many nerdy Lord of the Rings conversations. The only thing I can remember is that Arwen didn't get to go because she fell in love with a mortal ergo forfeiting her ticket outta Arda.
"Well technically no," Ryan grumbles, "but Elladan could have been denied entry if he decided to be mortal."
"Could he do that?" I frown not understanding why anyone would want to do that? I still don't understand why Arwen did? I mean no man is worth that sort of drama, seriously she gave up all that for a castle and a crown, probably some nice dresses too, oh and I guess Viggo is hot, meh I can see her point
"Well his sister and uncle did, so I guess the same choice is open to him?" Ryan muses and shrugs.
"But he would have to make a conscious choice right?" I wonder aloud, "Because I don't think he did, he said there was a storm and he got tossed overboard, it sounds more like an accident."
"Well that is what I thought but the nerds reject this theory," Ryan scratches his close shaven wiry hair and elaborates; "The nerds say that it should not be possible for an elf to not find their way to Valinor so we are left with two theories; Option A Elladan has denied his immortality or is at least on the fence about it. Or Option B the nerds are wrong."
"Kind of a dramatic refusal of entry?" I snort and scowl these Valar people are a little aggressive; "But if option A is correct then how did he end up here?"
"Yea well I have been trying to figure that one out," Ryan sighs and points to the map, "Frankly I have no explanation except maybe a worm hole but that just sounds so…I don't know…star trek?"
"A wormhole was my suggestion!" I reply haughtily and he sniggers," So do the nerds have any suggestions on that?"
"The nerds stopped talking to me when I brought up the wormhole theory; apparently I am mocking their fandom?" Ryan grumbles and huffily crosses his arms about his chest; "Stupid Nerds!"
"So are we any further on?" I dare to ask.
"Well unless Spock comes through said wormhole and offers us an olive branch then no, no we are basically exactly where we started, except maybe we have established Elladan is going to be a long term guest." Ryan closes his laptop and scrubs his face with his hands.
"I think I would much prefer Khan to come through the wormhole?" I muse aloud and am met with a disapproving look; "What? Well you can't say it isn't a possibility."
"No Levi you want Benedict Cumberbatch to come through a wormhole and make you his dark queen!" Ryan corrects me with a smirk; "And no we really don't want Khan to come through a wormhole."
"I'm just saying I think he was a very misunderstood villain, he just wanted to free his people, that is not an unreasonable request?" I defend my theory with conviction.
"Lee he is a terrorist he'd destroy us all!" Ryan waves his hands above his head in exasperation before slapping them to his face; "Oh my good god we are having this argument there is an elf lord in your bedroom!"
"Correction there is an elf lord in your bedroom." I grin and point to the doorway where Elladan is timidly ambling towards. "Morning sleepy head!" I chime and he startles at my rather shrill voice.
"I heard raised voices?" he questions in a rather husky voice and clutches his head. "I was concerned."
"Yea sorry about that man, Levi has a tendency to shout excessively," Ryan says sarcastically then shoves me off the bed; "Budge over Lee give the dude a seat."
I yelp and clatter to the ground again, I should probably elaborate at this point that I have a severe balance issue as in I lack a fully operational vestibular system, the slightest push and I will drop like a ton of bricks. Elladan looks alarmed by the display and gives Ryan a seething look, in one swift movement he yanks me to my feet and I sort of wobble with shock of being upright again.
"How dare you lift your hand to a lady, and one so kind as to offer you shelter for the night!" Elladan spits and glares defiantly at Ryan.
"Ha Levi a lady, pigs might fly," Ryan snorts but his amused expression is quickly wiped from his face when he registers the cool look in the elf's eyes. "Whoa dude it was joke I didn't intend to hurt her," he pleads and shuffles away from the angry elf.
"Ah wait just a second Prince charming," I quickly interject and pat his arm; "Ryan was just playing around, it was a joke, it's a friendly exchange."
"A friendly exchange?" he asks with trepidation.
"Yea watch!" I then proceed to smack Ryan hard across the back of the head, he jolts forward and then grumbles; "See completely harmless."
"Yea harmless," Ryan grunts but mercifully catches my warning look and plasters a very enthusiastic smile on his face; "No need to beat me up it was just some fun."
"This is very confusing?" Elladan shakes his head and gives us a pained look before easing himself down on the edge of the bed. "Your culture is bizarre."
"I would completely agree with you," Ryan nods, "but for the foreseeable future you are going to be stuck with it so it's best we start trying to make sense of it for you."
"I spent my life blending into the cultures of men and elves, I thought I had seen everything there was to see clearly I was wrong?" Elladan speaks aloud but obviously not for our benefit. He sits silently for a minute and observes my very neutral and sparsely decorated spare bedroom, which is now littered in Ryan's stuff, and outwardly groans.
"We'll help you do it again?" I say brightly and flutter a hand over his shoulder before retracting it, I don't really do touch; "If you can blend into the numerous races of Arda you can survive earth."
He manages a weak smile but then casually observes the blue scrubs he is still wearing and gives a disdainful look; "I do not like your people's strange garments, and I really would appreciate access to a bath?"
"Yip I totally agree, those clothes suck and that is why Ryan is just leaving to find you more fashionable apparel." I grin and eye Ryan with a knowing look.
"I am?" He asks with a frown.
"Yes and I'll get Elladan acquainted with a shower and make some brunch, sound reasonable?" I say diplomatically.
"What is a shower?" Elladan asks innocently.
"Oh you're gonna love the shower man!" Ryan chirps, "I am telling you there a very few pleasures in life but a power shower after a rough day is top of the list."
"Sounds promising," Elladan chuckles and for the first time since he got here he actually looks slightly relaxed.
"Right let's get this show on the road," I proclaim and start shuffling the elf and the best friend out of the room. "The two of you have messed up my house I need space to clean!"
I leave Elladan parked at my bathroom door and scuttle after Ryan to give him my visa. I then proceed to detail exactly what sort of budget we are talking about, I recommend bargain stores and thrift shops, not Ryan's usual haunts but I don't have the money to be throwing around. My business does good but not that good! I need to be realistic Elladan won't be here forever and besides what does an elf know about labels?
I wave Ryan off and return back to the elf to explain the wonder of modern plumbing. He is blown away by my pretty average over bath shower, and typical plain white bathroom décor, the only splash of colour I have is emerald green towels and bath mats. The toilet was a fun thing to describe and personally I never want to relive that conversation, let's just say he was pretty mesmerized by the flush system and how that all works, not an easy discussion to navigate. I leave him with fresh towels, a spare tooth brush, and point out the shampoo and conditioner because I assume he'll need it.
Once free I go in search of my poor Alsatian who has thus far been neglected and lies on his rug in the hall wearing a forlorn expression. I crawl onto the mat beside him and give him a cuddle, he then proceeds to lick me senseless and after some playtime I think I am forgiven. I even talk him into helping me tidy up the house, or at least making it a fun chore. Jazz playfully rips sheets and pillows off chairs, and licks clean all unused bowls and cups, okay maybe that wasn't helping but it was amusing to watch. He is a big hairy goofball with clumsy oversized paws and one droopy ear, so he perpetually looks confused, but I would be lost without him. It is hard to believe he was a half-starved pup when I found him roaming about the beach, I tried to find his owner but after several months it appeared he was a stray and I adopted him. Hmm there is a pattern between my local shoreline and me finding stray ownerless creatures wandering around it, maybe I should stop going to the beach?
I eventually find myself in my kitchen with the radio on low in the background as I cheerfully scrub the dishes. I sing loudly and very out of key to Jazz who just watches me with his baffled look, I must say I am a sucker for peppy modern country music, particularly a little sugarland, so when 'stuck like glue,' starts filtering through the speakers I turn up the volume and joyfully join in. I sing to Jazz because I feel this is appropriate, this could be our song, and I think he agrees;
"I say, whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whatcha gonna do with that? Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, come on over here with that Sugar sticky sweet stuff, come and give me that stuff ." I rhyme off to Jazz and he barks excitedly in return as I sashay toward him. He bounces up on his hind legs and we engage in a ridiculous doggy dance.
Once he gets fed up with trying to bounce around on two legs he returns to excitedly skipping around my feet. I on the other hand find my wooden spoon and pretend to drum the pots and pans dangling from my rustic hanger above the stove, and loudly proclaim;
"Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, stuck like glue You and me baby, we're stuck like glue!"
This would be fine except Elladan is standing in the kitchen doorway again, why is he always in doorways? Does he just skulk naturally or is he trying to give me heart failure! I scream and throw my spoon at him, not on purpose of course, it was an involuntary movement. Thankfully the elf dodges the flying utensil but I am so embarrassed I just drop down behind my titchy island counter. Jazz, the traitor that he is, runs off to greet his new buddy with much affectionate barking and whining.
"Levi?" Comes his soft voice and I remain silent hoping I can convince him that he just imagined the incident. "Levi I just thought you should know I successfully figured out how to cease the water flow from the shower contraption."
Aw he sounds so proud of himself and I guess that is an achievement, dammit I am going to have to reveal myself and applaud him. I timidly peek my head above the countertop like a cautious meerkat and smile shyly;
"Um that's great!" I mumble and slowly come to stand; "See you can totally figure this stuff out."
"That is the plan," he sighs and rubs a hand through is tangled mass of dark hair, I should probably introduce him to the wonderment of hairdryers, his life would be so much easier with a vidal Sassoon in his possession. The elf smirks at my obvious staring before continuing; "You have a lovely voice, but may I inquire as to where the music is coming from?"
"Thanks," I mutter and feel my cheeks flush, I have lived on my own too long I am not used to guests popping up on me and unearthing my secret habits. I quickly resemble my features and point to the radio on the shelf; "The music comes from the radio, it's a bit harder to explain but music can be recorded and transmitted over radio waves so that everyone with this device can hear it."
Elladan's face puckers in confusion and he just blows out another long sigh; "I have not the faintest notion as to what radio waves are?"
I feel his pain and I search for a way to make it easier; "Um…how about for the meantime we just call it modern magic? So anytime something seems really bizarre to you we'll just say, 'modern magic,' and you'll know not to freak out?"
"Like a safe word?" he says and eyes me with a contemplative look.
"Precisely!" I exclaim and give myself a congratulatory smile for my genius idea; "Just until you get your bearings and nail the basics down."
"It is probably the best approach," he mutters and scans the kitchen again then shudders. "I believe I am getting too old to be learning new tricks."
"Nobody is too old to learn," I say breezily and return to putting away my dishes. I attempt to give home hope so I start rambling; "My grandmother learnt how to ride a motorcycle at sixty-five, that takes guts and she was much tinier and less educated than you. You'll be fine besides you have me and I am relatively normal, if I can get you into a car and teach you how to use modern plumbing in a day then we're set!"
"You have a lot of faith in me Levi," he replies and slinks towards me with a coy smile playing on his lips; "I hope I can live up to your expectations."
"Please call me Lee, god knows everyone else does," I laugh and am even more impressed when he picks up the extra towel and starts helping me dry.
"Your name is very different," Elladan muses and I give him a playful scowl.
"No it is not it is perfectly normal!" I defend and flick stray bubbles at him making him chuckle; "At least I don't have a name like 'Elladan,' or 'Elrohir.'
Elladan tries to smile through the sudden look of pain that fills his features, and immediately I feel awful. He must be devastated to be separated from his brother; I know I would be inconsolable if I lost Trina in some freak accident, not knowing if she survived or if she was hurt, I am such an idiot.
"Elladan I am so sorry," I attempt to articulate and drop my gaze trying to think of the best thing to say. We stand in silence for a few strained seconds before I find my voice; "I am sure he is safe maybe even with your parents, he is probably freaking out just as much as you are? I am sure we can find a way to reunite the both of you, I am positive there has to be a way."
"I overheard your theories you know?" Elladan slowly speaks as he carefully examines a cereal bowl. "You humans whisper very loud."
"That might just be me I've been told I shout a lot," I attempt a light chuckle but he doesn't look like he's in the laughing mood.
"Elrohir is safe and well," Elladan eventually confirms and then lifts his highly focused gaze to meet my very confused one; "I can feel he is where he belongs, where he wants to be, but I am not sure if it is where I want to be?"
"Huh?" Is my best response because I really don't get it?
"Your friend made a comment that I may have been indecisive about my immortality," Elladan begins with a deep furrow marring his perfectly youthful visage; "Maybe that is the truth? Maybe I have been denied entry because my heart was not truly decided?"
"Oh well that changes things," I say rather unhelpfully, "but is it not more of a conscience decision you have to make? As opposed to being shipwrecked on a foreign world?"
"In essence yes at least I thought so?" He muses and then glances upward; "Maybe I am being tested, maybe I have to prove my conviction to my heritage?"
"Well that's a bit mean!" I cry and throw my towel down in irritation; "See this is why I don't do religion it all just seems a tad unfair! It's not like you asked to be born a half elf, I mean it's a lot of pressure to put on someone. Do you want to be an elf or do you want to be a man? I don't think I could ever decide."
"I agree," Elladan actually chuckles and then rolls his eyes; "And then my father names me 'Elf-Man,' how very ironic!"
"Parents!" I grumble, "They should not be allowed to name their kids crazy names that will ultimately cause them and their peers a great deal of confusion later in life! I mean 'Levi,' which turned into 'Lee,' I spent most of my teenage life convincing people I was not gender confused, And 'Elf-Man,' that really set you up for a life full of racial confusion doesn't it?"
"Apparently so?" Elladan shrugs and continues to laugh easily.
"Well if this is your test or purgatory, where you must sit and contemplate your future, then may I make a suggestion?" I say quite boldly and Elladan nods for me to carry on; "Enjoy being a man, do mortal things and immerse yourself in our bizarre ways. Then you'll know for sure where your heart lies, does that make sense?"
"Yes it does," he replies with quite a resolute tone; "but I cannot expect you to put me up for an indefinite period of time?"
"Hey consider it my gift to you," I reply brightly and gently punch him on the shoulder; "Kinda like an 'our names suck,' solidarity thing?"
"Are you certain?" He asks with a not very convinced look.
"Yes!" I cry and shake my head at his worried expression; "But if you want to earn your keep I could probably do with a kitchen assistant down at the bakery, and Ryan always needs a hand restoring his stock. It would kinda be like slave labour but you can have the spare room and I'll feed you? Any tips or money you earn at the shop will be yours though, it won't be much but it's decent?"
"That sounds like a fair trade," Elladan purses his lips in consideration; "I am sure in time I can learn how to work these contraptions."
"Yea okay slow down there buddy," I chuckle, "Let's just focus on making you look human first, and then we'll tackle the kitchen."
