Please note that not all characters will have a 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, ect. versions if at all and the version number do not necessarily correspond with the book/season number. Because Azula was only seen in 2 episodes in season 1 and didn't even speak until season 2. Seasons 1 and 2 Azula will both be considered version 1.0 and season 3 Azula will be considered version 2.0.


This fanfic was originally published on December 12, 2007.


AZULA: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully automated AZULA unit. To ensure you get the full benefits of your Firebender, Lightningbender, and Manipulator. Please pay close attention to the following instructions.

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Basic Information:

Name: (PRINCESS) AZULA

Date of Manufacture: 14 years ago

Place of Manufacture: Fire Nation Capital

Nationality/Ethnicity: Fire Nation (Homeland)

Height: About 5'6"

Weight: She keeps electrifying the scale for her own sadistic amusement so her weight is unknown

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Your AZULA unit will come with the following accessories:

One (1) Fire Nation uniform-like outfit

One (1) Fire Nation fancy warship (version 1.0 only)

One (1) Mongoose dragon (version 1.0 only)

One (1) Kyoshi Warrior disguise. (version 1.0 only)

One (1) Dai Li outfit (version 1.0 only)

One (1) P.J. (version 2.0 only) (Sorry I couldn't resist.)

One (1) Ember Island swimwear (version 2.0 only)

One (1) Fire Nation princess outfit (similar to Zuko's) (version 2.0 only)

One (1) Fancy Fire Nation armor (version 2.0 and up)

Two (2) Dai Li agents for those annoying solar eclipses (version 2.0 only)

One (1) Shuriken for those annoying solar eclipses (version 2.0 only)

One (1) Bath robe (version 2.0 and up)

One (1) Pumice stone (version 2.5 only)

One (1) Hair brush (We are not liable if she breaks a mirror with it.) (version 2.5 only)

One (1) Scissors (version 2.5 only)

One (1) Cape (version 2.5 only)

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Programming:

Your AZULA unit is a highly versatile unit being a child protégée and all. With the right coaxing you can get her to perform various tasks. With each upgrade she will become even more versatile unless she is on her Crazula setting.

WARNING: Some AZULA unit programs are considered illegal operations.

Firebender: (Default Program) Can be used for a wide range of things that will usually involve fighting. But can also be used as a heating source and a lighting source during those annoying power outages at night when you can't find a flashlight. She can fly short distances by using jet propulsion and is the only known firebender that can bend blue fire.

Arsonist: Well your AZULA unit is a firebender enough said.

Lightningbender: Out of all of the lightningbenders only a known three units can actually create their own lighting. Your AZULA unit being one of them. Please note that it takes her a few seconds to get a good charge.

Avatar/ZUKO & IROH Tracker: With all ZUKO and IROH units (versions 2.0) considered traitors and with the Avatar still out there someone needs to capture/kill these people. And ideally before a ZUKO unit manages to capture an AANG unit.

Puppet Master: Your AZULA unit is very good at manipulating people to get them to do almost whatever she wants them to do; it's as if she is pulling on their strings. Not only that but AZULA units are so good at lying that they can actually say "I'm a 400 ft tall purple platypus-bear with pink horns and silver wings." with a strait face AND pass a lie detector test!

WARNING: This program might be used against you.

Fire "Lord": (For version 2.5 only) snicker Your AZULA unit might just be declared Fire Lord if a nearby OZAI unit wants to declare himself Phoenix King and be in charge of the Fire Nation's historical territory and have her rule as a governor.

WARNING: If your AZULA unit is on her Crazula setting she will be banishing and executing people left and right.

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Your AZULA unit has eleven (11) settings:

WARNING: AZULA units are sadistic sociopaths and are not user friendly.

Sociopath: (Default setting) Possibly the worst genetic disorder in the Fire Nation royal family; unfortunately for you AZULA units have the most severe case. In fact, if it weren't for the need for members of the royal family to produce heirs we would be recommending that you get your AZULA unit's tubes tied. (And maybe even getting any ZUKO units vasectomies.)

Cold Hearted: Basically on about half the time. Although it's hard to tell with her puppet master program.

Manipulator: Your AZULA unit will need to be on this setting to activate her puppet master program.

Excited: (Level 1 lock for very excited) Whenever something goes her way and it is safe to express this feeling. Or if she has won a game of volleyball.

Sadistic: On this setting your AZULA unit will do mean things for her own sick amusement even to her friends. AZULA units have been observed scaring off small children and CHAN units and making them cry while on this setting.

Mean: Usually on while in angry mode and simultaneously with sadistic mode.

Surprise/Shock: Whenever something she didn't expect happens, her eyes will briefly widen before returning to normal.

Angry: When her plans get botched or an idiot other than a TY LEE unit says something stupid or just pisses her off.

Happy: When something goes her way or it is not safe to be on excited setting.

Crazula: (Available for version 2.5) When and if your AZULA unit goes crazy and her craziness level reaches the event horizon; no amount of sanity can escape it. It your AZULA unit will just go into a downward spiral in a matter of weeks until she hits rock bottom.

WARNING: Your AZULA unit may accuse you of trying to assassinate her with the most mundane items.

Nice: (Level 3 Lock)

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Relations with other units: Your AZULA unit is certainly not a friendly unit and is compatible with only a few other units.

(PRINCE) ZUKO: A ZUKOunit may be the brother unit to an AZULA unit but don't be fooled; she wants his claim to the throne and is willing to kill any ZUKO unit over it. AZULA units also enjoy pissing off ZUKO units with the usual Zuzu stuff. There are only two situations where a ZUKO unit is even remotely compatible with an AZULA unit. 1. While on Ember Island on vacation. 2. When it becomes apparent that either unit is incapable of killing/capturing the Avatar alone and will need to form a temporary alliance.

TY LEE: This is probably the most compatible unit with your AZULA unit. The only documented case of an AZULA unit ever being nice to someone was towards a TY LEE unit. AZULA units enjoy the occasional complement from TY LEE units. Also TY LEE units will do just about anything for your AZULA unit even literally dive head-first into sludge. Think about it do you, or even us for that matter even want to know what else she is willing to dive head-first into?

WARNING: What happens on Ember Island stays on Ember Island.

WARNING 2: Witnessing a MAI unit betraying your AZULA unit may lead to a TY LEE unit following suit; especially if your AZULA unit is about to kill that MAI unit.

MAI: This is one of the most compatible units with your AZULA unit. While there has been no actual documentation of an AZULA unit being nice to a MAI unit; it has been speculated that your AZULA unit can be. While MAI units may not be as loyal to your AZULA unit as TY LEE units are, your AZULA unit will often find them less annoying.

WARNING: Repeated interactions with ZUKO units may eventually lead to a MAI unit betrayal of your AZULA unit and cause her to go into crazula mode.

(FIRE LORD) OZAI: This is the paternal unit of your AZULA unit and is the person that she aspires to be like and will do anything to please him. (Eww! Get your minds out of the gutter you perverts! The royal family isn't THAT dysfunctional!) Because of this and the fact that your AZULA unit is a protégée; OZAI units consider her to be their favorite child.

(AVATAR) AANG: Because the Avatar is the number 1 threat to Fire Nation world conquest and a capture/kill by a ZUKO unit would bump her back down in the line for the throne, she would like nothing more to get him out of the way.

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Cleaning:

Your AZULA unit is fully capable of cleaning herself. But if you wish to do it yourself do not machine wash, wash only in hot water, do not tumble dry, do not hang on the line to dry, and don't forget to scrub between the toes.

WARNING: If you wash by hand we are in no way responsible if your AZULA unit electrocutes you.

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Energy:

Since bending uses up a lot of chi make sure that she is fed thrice daily. While she would rather eat food fit for a princess she has no problem eating what the average Joe eats when she has to.

WARNING: If your AZULA unit has gone into Crazula mode make sure that you don't give her any fruit with pits it.

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Upgrades: This unit can be upgraded but because upgrading AZULA units is a hassle it will cost §300.00 extra per upgrade.

2.0 Upgrade: In order to upgrade to AZULA Version 2.0 first sneak into Ba Sing Sei, then manipulate a ZUKO unit into joining her side to fight the avatar. Defeat an AANG UNIT and make the finishing blow by using lightningbending.

2.5 Upgrade: First get a MAI and a TY LEE unit to betray your AZULA unit (this can be optional if you want), then get an OZAI unit to give her the title Fire Lord to make way for his even grander new title, Phoenix King.

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Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Why is it that my AZULA unit can predict people's behavior to manipulate them but can't interact with people to get what she wants in a normal social situation?

A: That is because she is a sociopath. It's a genetic mental disorder that can't be cured; both our OZAI and AZULON units have/had it. This is why under normal circumstances we would recommend getting her tubes tied. So it all comes down to is how her brain is wired.

Q: Why is it that whenever I take my AZULA unit to the park that turtles and or ducks flee whenever they see her?

A: It appears that she hasn't grown out of her animal cruelty phase from when she was a child.

Q: What is with the masculine title Fire Lord; shouldn't it be Fire Lady? (We often receive lude comments about this that question; both about an AZULA unit's gender and sexual orientation after this question.)

A: We think the title might be given to all fire lords regardless of gender because Fire Lady sounds just stupid for a ruler. Though one has to wonder if all the spouses of every single fire lord have been called Fire Lady.

Q: Concerning the boyfriend problem trouble shooting solution. Aren't all AZULA and TY LEE units heterosexuals?

A: Yes and that is what makes it even sadder is that it would be a prison gay sort of thing. (i)

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Troubleshooting:

Problem: Your AZULA unit can't get a boyfriend because she scares any potential ones off.

Solution: Get a TY LEE unit to give her advice; or better yet just have your AZULA unit go out with that TY LEE unit. The sad truth is that her best shot at having a romantic relationship with anyone is with a TY LEE unit.

Problem: Your AZULA unit keeps burning your volleyball nets whenever you play volleyball with her.

Solution: Get a volleyball net made of metal wire. That shouldn't be flammable!

Problem: Your AZULA unit has gone into her Crazula setting and banished you from your own home and you need to capture her alive for a downgrade or to erase her memory of being betrayed by a MAI and or a TY LEE unit.

Solution: Get a ZUKO unit (preferably a 3.5 version since that is the strongest version at firebending) to challenge her to an Agni Kai and get a KATARA unit for back up. Don't worry because an AZULA unit is not at her best at firebending when in Crazula mode and because a ZUKO unit can just short-circuit your AZULA unit if he wants to and a KATARA unit can freeze her and chain her up while she is frozen.

CAUTION: If your AZULA unit gets chained up she will roll around, kick, scream, and shoot fire out her mouth, ears, and who knows where else for an unknown period of time until she wears out.

Problem: You took your AZULA unit to someplace and she frightened small children.

Solution: Next time take her to someplace where it isn't too likely to have small children. If you can't find one, take her someplace where it is likely to have mixed age groups and find an activity for her to do that any small children aren't doing. That way she will frighten people her own age or older instead.

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With proper care and maintenance, your AZULA unit should not kill you.


i Is this why I have a bizarre obsession with Azulee shipping despite the fact that I'm not normally into gay shipping? Because prison gayness in female characters is virtually never depicted.