CHAPTER THREE
Tyler's POV
I wanted to put off going back to my old apartment as long as possible, but I knew I would have to go and get it over with eventually. I had no idea whether Ally and Aidan would be there. Usually he worked Saturday mornings and she went to Queens to visit her Dad, but that didn't mean they would have stuck to the same routine now they were screwing. I knew I could have called first, but I couldn't bring myself to speak to either of them, thinking it would be easier to just turn up and hope they weren't home. Besides, my cell phone battery was dead. I knew Jacob would have lent me his phone, but I just used it as another excuse to avoid what I was dreading. It was only the thought that Caroline had probably tried to call me about a dozen times by now that got me off of Jacob's couch and out the door. At least he was going with me; that I hadn't expected, especially after I'd repeatedly behaved like a jerk in front of him. Letting me stay for a few days was above and beyond the call of duty too and I vowed I would get myself together and not annoy him any more if I could avoid it.
We took the subway from his apartment to mine, although it was only two stops and I dragged my feet as we walked the couple hundred yards from the station to the building. If I could have stayed pissed I would have gotten through it easier, but my anger seemed to have deserted me and I was just miserable. I hated the thought of going in there, taking away all signs of myself, knowing everything I looked at would remind me of being with Ally.
"You ok?"
I glanced at Jacob and realised I had stopped walking and was simply staring at the outer door to the block from ten feet away.
"Yeah."
I took a deep breath, strode over to the door, pulled out my keys and let us in before charging up the stairs quickly, my heart racing and my stomach in a knot. 'Please let them not be home.'
"What the fuck?" I stared at the door to the apartment in disbelief. "They got a fucking deadbolt."
"Tyler?" Jacob said, sounding puzzled.
"The door was never secure, as long as I can remember. Aidan and...Ally...were always telling me to get a deadbolt. Too difficult for either of them to do that apparently - until now. Damnit!"I punched the wall and then rubbed my knuckles, grinding my teeth.
"Well, we're here now," Jacob said calmly. "If they're not home, call one of them."
"Fuck," I muttered. Exactly what I had wanted to avoid, but now there was no option. I punched the bell push that nobody had ever used and then fidgeted and swore, dragging my hands through my hair until it became obvious that they either weren't home or were ignoring the bell.
"The hell with it," I growled. I could do without my stuff; I'd go shopping, make use of the gold card Dad insisted I have when I turned twenty-one. I had refused to use the thing for almost a year, preferring to make my own way rather than live off of his charity, but just lately it had come out half a dozen times, mostly for alcohol, even before Ally kicked me in the teeth. He would probably have plenty to say when he got the statement. I headed for the stairs again, but Jacob grabbed my shoulder and halted me.
"Call them," he said firmly. "You're going to run into them in school soon enough anyway. You can't just leave all of your things here."
"I can," I mumbled and then I remembered that the power cable for my phone was in there, as was my journal. Whatever else I lost, I had to have that. "Do you have your phone with you?"
"Here." Jacob pulled his cell out of his pocket and passed it to me. I hesitated and then dialled Ally's number from memory. At least she wouldn't know it was me and refuse to answer.
"Hello?"
I screwed my face up and almost ended the call when I heard her voice. I was exasperated with myself. I wanted to carry on being mad, but I couldn't seem to manage it. Being mad kept reality at bay and it didn't hurt so much.
"It's Tyler."
There was silence for a moment. "What do you want?" she asked eventually.
"I want my stuff, Ally, the apartment's locked."
"You're there?"
"Yeah."
I heard muffled voices as if she had covered the phone up and was talking to someone else - Aidan.
"Can you wait ten minutes? We're on the way back," she said then.
"Fine." I couldn't think of anything else to say and I pressed the 'end call' button and gave Jacob the phone back. "They're gonna be back in ten minutes," I said and pulled out my cigarettes. They would hate me filling the lobby with smoke, but the hell with them. I lit up and leaned back against the wall with my eyes closed. They flew open again when the cigarette was snatched from between my lips.
"What the hell are you doing?" I scowled as Jacob crushed the thing out and tossed it into a corner.
"You'll set the alarm off," he said, pointing to the ceiling.
"Fuck off."
"You don't want my help then."
"Sorry," I muttered sullenly and glanced at my watch. How much time had gone by since I called her? A minute? Two? I felt sick and my chest hurt as if there was a vice around my heart. Corny, maybe, but that's how it felt. Had I really been such a lousy boyfriend that she had turned to Aidan because of it? If that was the case, why didn't she break up with me first? How could he have done that to me? We had been friends since kindergarten and he knew I loved her; he knew she was the first and only girl I had ever cared about.
I scrubbed my hands over my face and was horrified to find my eyes wet. Just what I needed; to have them get back and see me crying like a fucking baby. I swallowed the lump in my throat and coughed. Jacob glanced at me, but didn't say anything. I clenched my teeth until my jaw hurt and breathed hard through my nose. More time passed and the outer door banged before two pairs of feet began to head up the stairs.
They both looked at me warily when they appeared and then eyed Jacob with surprise. Aidan glanced back at me with his eyebrows raised while Ally unlocked the door.
"What?" I snapped.
"Nothing, I just..." He shrugged and gestured at Jacob. "You're really...?"
"What's it to you?"
Ally had the door open now and I strode inside and turned towards what had been my room, halting just outside the door as my mind predictably filled up with memories; the first time I cooked dinner for Ally here and she ended up throwing the spaghetti over me before we sprayed each other with the shower hose; the first time I slept with her; the first time we said 'I love you'; the fight when she found out our relationship had started with me playing a game; the sight of her and Aidan jumping apart when I caught them.
"Shit," I muttered under my breath.
Hands came to rest on my shoulders and to my intense surprise I found my back against Jacob's chest and his mouth close to my ear.
"Get your stuff together and we'll get out of here," he whispered. His hands ran down my arms and back up.
"What are you...?" I began and then realised that despite the complete asshole I had been to him, he was supporting me in more ways than one in front of them. "Thank you," I said under my breath.
He stepped away from me and I went into the bedroom to start packing. My suitcase was under the bed and I filled it with my clothes and books, my precious journal and some other bits and pieces; photos of Caroline and Michael. I didn't really have much. Jacob had gone into the small kitchen with Aidan and Ally and although I could hear occasional stilted bits of conversation, I only made out a few phrases, mostly Jacob's voice.
"...moving in with me.."
"...our business..."
"...don't want any more trouble..."
I owed him so much more than for just dragging me out of a fight and loaning me his couch for a few days.
I found a box and filled it with the last few items - my phone power cable, bathroom things, the lock for my bike, school books and so on. At last it was done and I tossed my keys on the bed, balanced the box in one arm and picked up the case, heading slowly for the door. Jacob appeared in an instant with my bike and opened the door for me. It was done and I was about to leave most of my life behind.
"Tyler, I'm sorry," Ally called suddenly.
I ignored her and began to walk down the stairs, Jacob following with the bike and in minutes we were on the sidewalk.
"Thanks," I said shakily.
"It's ok. Why don't you take a cab back with those things? I'll bring the bike," he suggested.
I shook my head. "I'll ride it back; I need to clear my head. If you don't mind taking these..."
"Sure." Jacob waved down a cab and we put the case and the box in the trunk.
When he was gone, I swung my leg over the bike and set off although I didn't head straight back to Jacob's place. I cycled into the park and sat down on a bench to smoke a cigarette. I lit a second from the butt and then a third and a fourth, by which time the pack was empty. Caroline would have been telling me off by now, I could hear her voice in my head.
"Tyler, you smoke too much. I thought you were going to quit. Do you know what people's lungs look like when they smoke?"
I smiled to myself and scrunched up the empty packet, tossing it towards a garbage can and missing by at least a foot. I needed to get home - to my temporary home - and charge up my phone so I could call Caroline; as soon as I could summon up a more positive frame of mind so she didn't guess from my voice that something was wrong. My eleven-year-old sister could be pretty perceptive when she wanted to be and I didn't want to have to answer a dozen questions just yet. Even then I couldn't exactly tell her the truth. She had really liked both Ally and Aidan. It wasn't that I didn't want her to hate them, but that I didn't want her to see how completely crushed I was.
A few small drops of rain landed on my face and I looked up at the darkening sky, realising I was probably going to be drenched in a few minutes. It suited my mood and I could let go of the pain I was feeling without anybody noticing, not that there were many people in the park anyway. I stayed on the bench as hot tears began to roll down my face, disguised and washed away by cool rain, not moving until I felt completely drained. A couple of hours had passed by then and I cycled slowly back to Jacob's apartment. It had almost stopped raining, but I was soaked to the skin and beginning to shiver.
Jacob released the outer door for me the second I buzzed and I hauled my bike into the elevator, making a large puddle on the floor as I rode up to his floor. His apartment door was open and I leaned the bike on the wall just inside and took my shoes off.
"Where've you been?" Jacob grabbed a towel from the bathroom and tossed it to me.
"In the park." I dried my hair quickly and took my shirt off.
"Are you ok?" He stared at me with a concerned look and took the soaked shirt from me.
"Yeah. Thanks."
It was only when I went into the bathroom to get a hot shower that I realised how terrible I looked. My face was almost colourless and my eyes red and swollen, despite the rain which hadn't done as good a job as I had hoped. I looked lost and hopeless, as if I'd been sitting in the park alone bawling my eyes out.
I stayed in the shower until I used up all the hot water and then wrapped a towel around myself and went to find something to wear. Much to my surprise, Jacob had unpacked my case and put my clothes away in one end of his wardrobe and two drawers of a large chest. The rest of my things were on a small table in the corner of the lounge and there was a camp bed made up behind the couch.
"I hope you don't mind, I thought I would save you the trouble," he said.
"Thanks."
His eyes were fixed on my chest I noticed and for a foolish moment I wondered if he was checking me out, despite his apparent concern for me, until I realised it was my tattoo he was looking at. Unless I had mentioned Michael when I was too drunk to know what I was saying, he must be pretty curious to know why I had a guy's name inked on me, but mercifully he didn't ask. That was something I really didn't want to talk about at the moment. Mostly I dealt with it ok now, but in my current pathetically fragile state, I would probably crack up again if asked about Michael. I hadn't talked to him in far too long and I needed to put that right soon; but first I had to talk to Caroline.
I sat on the floor to call her, my phone plugged into the power and immediately got the third degree as to where I had been, why I hadn't answered her calls, why Ally had answered my home phone and told her she didn't know where I was or when I'd be back. I said I'd been out with a friend and told her to stick to calling my cell in the future, since it was always with me and I would make sure I didn't forget to power it up.
"So, we're going to have a party next Saturday," Caroline said then.
"What for?"
"It's your birthday, silly."
I suppressed a groan with difficulty. A birthday party was the last thing I wanted. My twenty-first had been bad enough although I had gotten into the spirit of it eventually - right up until my Dad turned up and ruined it for everyone. Twenty-two was - new territory. Everybody would probably be faking happiness because they were supposed to be celebrating with me while a sombre mood hung over the whole fucking thing.
"Aww, can't we just have dinner out or something?" I begged. "How about a picnic?" Picnics were one of her favourite things to do.
"It's your birthday, not mine," she reminded me. "You only go on picnics to make me happy. We're having a party. You can bring Ally. And Aidan too, if you want."
"Um...they might be busy," I gulped. "I could bring another friend, I guess." I glanced over at Jacob where he sat on the couch and he raised his eyebrows.
"You have another friend?" Caroline said in my ear. "Since when?"
"Uh...well...I've known him a while, he's in some of my classes."
"Does he have a name?"
"Jacob." I could feel my face turning red and I dragged a hand through my hair.
"Oh, ok. Sure, he can come. Four o'clock, ok? Mom's making a cake."
"Lovely."
She rattled on for a while longer while I did my best to sound like I usually sounded. When I hung up, Jacob looked at me again. "Did I just get invited to something?"
"Ugh...my birthday party," I grimaced as I hauled myself up. "I'm sorry, you can say no. She asked me to bring...them."
"It's ok, I'll go," Jacob agreed. "Do you not like parties?"
"Hate 'em," I grunted and joined him on the couch. "Especially birthday ones. Everyone pretending like they're having a great time, blowing candles out, opening gifts, you know, the usual shit. This one's gonna be worse than most."
"Why?" he asked and I immediately cursed myself for blurting too much out.
"Because...I had a brother...he died on his twenty-second birthday."
"Shit," Jacob said. "I'm so sorry. How long ago?"
"Six years. It never goes away and now it's like everyone's watching to see if I make it through the day. Stupid, huh?"
"No, it's not stupid. Can I ask how he died?"
"He killed himself." I ground my teeth together.'Damnit. Don't fucking fall apart again now.'
"Oh, God, Tyler," Jacob groaned. "I can't even imagine..."
"His name was Michael. In case you were wondering about the tattoo."
I dropped my head into my hands. It still felt like yesterday. It was like all of us - the whole family - were still stuck in 1995, unable to move forward. We had been a proper family then, Mom and Dad still married. Michael's death had shattered us and each of us broke away in different directions, except for Caroline who was exactly the same as she had always been. Most of the time I was ok, but with everything that had just happened to me and my twenty-second birthday fast approaching, I felt everything all over again.
I heard a strange sound like a hurt animal whining and didn't realise it was me until I felt Jacob's hand touch my back and rub slowly up and down, then slide around my shoulders and pull me against him. Sitting in the rain to disguise my tears had been completely pointless because now I sat, sobbing and gasping in his arms and making a complete dick of myself. When I eventually got it together there was a wet patch on his shirt and I wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere. I barely knew him and I virtually laid by soul bare.
"Sorry," I croaked.
"It's alright. It's better to let it out. It takes a real man to cry; that's what my Dad told me," he said with a small chuckle.
"Huh...I must be fucking He-Man or something then," I grimaced.
Strangely I did feel better. Later Jacob made us some food and we hung out and watched TV. I was longing for a cigarette, but realised I'd smoked my last few in the park. I almost went out to buy more and then decided, what the hell. I felt like shit anyway; I might as well use it as an opportunity to quit. It would make Caroline's day and Jacob hated smoking just as much as she did. I chewed gum instead, figuring that since the next week was going to be hell, fighting the craving would probably be a walk in the park by comparison.
I slept like the dead that night. The camp bed was comfortable and I felt as if I had gotten over the first of a set of huge hurdles although I wasn't kidding myself I was even close to getting over what Ally did to me. I rose early and was dressed and getting ready to go out, my book bag over my shoulder with my journal in it when Jacob got up.
"Where are you going? Don't you want breakfast or anything?"
"No, I'm going to a coffee shop downtown. I'll bring you something back if you want."
"I could go with you..."
I shook my head. "I have something I need to do. I'll be back in a couple hours."
"Ok."
I cycled downtown to the coffee shop I used to go to with Michael. Since he died I had been there at least once a month, more often when I started college, but it was about six weeks since the last time. I could never bring myself to talk to him for a while after what would have been his birthday, when the whole family gathered at his grave for a morbid 'remember Michael' afternoon, like it was his funeral all over again. I knew he would have hated it, but my Dad insisted.
I ordered a large coffee, took a corner table and pulled out the journal and a pen. I put a new refill in the journal each year and this one was already over half full of my scrawl. I chewed the end of the pen while my coffee went cold, wondering if I should just get one more pack of cigarettes and wean myself off of them gradually. Then I started to write.
"Hello, Michael. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. Things have been tough lately. I quit smoking..."
There. Now I told him I couldn't change my mind.
"Probably the worst time in the world to do it, but hey. I came home from class a few days ago and found..." I paused, the pen hovering over the paper while I squeezed my eyes shut and reminded myself it was already real. Telling my brother didn't change a thing.
"...Ally and Aidan in bed together. They've been getting it on behind my back for a few weeks. I guess I can't really blame her; she said it herself; I'm too fucked up to notice she's even around. I lost it and hit her. I'm not proud of myself, but anyway, it's over. I moved out and I'm staying with a Good Samaritan for the moment. Jacob Black. He's a nice guy; why he wants me around, I have no clue, he's only seen me behave like a complete jerk."
I rambled on, filling four pages of the journal and sipping my revolting cold coffee without even noticing. The only thing I didn't mention was my upcoming birthday. Somehow it seemed like I would have been thumbing my nose at him.
I bought half a dozen bagels stuffed with assorted fillings before I left and set off for home feeling like a tiny amount of the weight on my shoulders had lifted.
