Disclaimer: These characters are owned by CW (The 100); The story is heavily inspired by the Disney Movie: Starstruck (2010); Story Title comes from: Origin Story by Phil Kaye and Sarah Kay; Chapter Title comes from Rumour Has It by Adele. AKA I own nothing.
A/N: I would like to thank my dear angel, Chan, for being my beta. You are amazing. And to Cissa, who never gets tired of going through different trains with me.
Thursday, December 18
It only takes the first period for Lexa to notice that one of her best friends was avoiding her.
"Costia!" She shouts towards the other girl who seemed to be in a deep conversation with two other girls. Costia, Anya and Lexa had walked through these halls together for a while. 10 years years with Anya; 4 years since Costia moved from Romania. It's been a year since Anya left and Costia and Lexa had been walking side by side every school day. Until today, that is. Something felt strange, but Lexa didn't want to think anything of it. It's nothing.
"Costia, wait!" She shouts again. She notices the girl tense, and Lexa knows she's heard her, but she doesn't make an effort to run after her. She walks to her class, eyebrows furrowed, wondering what went wrong today. Costia tells her everything. Told. She did. She shakes off her thoughts. This is nothing.
Lexa wasn't able to pay attention to class that day. Her fingers either drumming on the table, or playing with her pen, or finding herself fiddling with her hands. All she could think about was Costia. It takes until the fourth period for her to know for sure that the girl was avoiding her.
She sees her at the corner of the hall and makes a step towards her, Costia turns away just as fast and moving towards the other direction. They have that class together and Costia ended up being five minutes late. She doesn't sit on the empty chair next to Lexa. This isn't nothing.
Lexa grabs a tray and moves towards the cafeteria line. She sets her tray to the rail and looks at the food choices. Octavia catches up to her, setting her tray beside Lexa's.
"Hey sis!" She says with a smile.
"Hey," Lexa answers softly. She picks a fruit bowl, a chicken sandwich and a box of apple juice. She carefully places them to her tray and murmurs a thank you to the lunch lady in front of her. She doesn't start looking for an empty table until Octavia is done. Octavia finds one first, nudging Lexa on the side and tilting her head towards the table.
"So, what's bothering you?" Octavia asks; she knew just how to ask the right questions.
"Me?" Lexa asks, feigning innocence. It was a lame attempt, she was sure. But she wanted to try. She doesn't know where to start.
"No, me. Duh. Yes, you. Something's bothering you." Octavia raises an eyebrow in an attempt to be intimidating. It was working.
Lexa shifts uncomfortably, "No - it's nothing."
"Not nothing. You're never this quiet around me. You barely looked up from that tray. And you're not with Costia, which is new. So what's going on?" Octavia crosses her arms. Lexa sighs. She could talk about it now or later at home.
"She's avoiding me." She says, only allowing herself to fully believe it as she says it. Her face falls, she had tried to hope it wasn't true.
"Costia?" Octavia asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Yeah." Lexa says, feeling the frustration build up inside her. "She's avoiding me." She presses fingers to her eyes and takes a deep breath trying to calm herself. Why was it so sudden? What did she do? Was it something she said?
Octavia wraps an arm around her, making her jump slightly by the sudden touch. Octavia's one-arm hug was firm and reassuring, Lexa gives her a thankful smile. "Hey." Octavia starts, "Maybe she's just busy, or around. Or something. It doesn't have to mean anything."
"Maybe." Lexa replies with a shrug, she isn't convinced, "Why would she avoid me?"
"I don't really know what's going on inside the head of that girlfriend of yours." Octavia comments.
"She's not my girlfriend!" Lexa exclaims, twisting her head to see if anyone heard. She lets out a sigh of relief when she finds no one remotely close.
"Ooh. Touchy. Okay then. I meant it as a friend that is a girl, though. Calm your tits."
Lexa doesn't say anything else. She doesn't say she sometimes wished Costia was. Or that someone was. She doesn't say she thinks she likes girls.
"Lex."
Lexa's head turns as soon as she hears it. She almost stumbles as she does. "Costia." She says, reaching towards the dark-skinned girl, enveloping her into a hug. She easily feels Costia tense at her touch. Lexa pulls away. She wants to apologize. What do I apologize for?
"You're avoiding me." Lexa says quietly, finding her voice. She still hopes that Costia would make up and excuse. She's thinking, say it isn't true that you're avoiding me. She watches as Costia bites her lower lip. Costia was nervous. That can't be good.
"Can we talk?" Costia says, "Somewhere more private, please."
"Yes, okay." Lexa nods, pulling her towards the field. She picks an empty spot, the openness of the area giving both of them the privacy the other girl requested for. They quickly fall into silence. It was neither comfortable nor comforting. Lexa grew confused at the heaviness of her heart. This is not nothing.
"Cos..." Lexa starts, unsure of how to start this talk - she wasn't even sure what it was about in the first place. She looks at her, eyebrows furrowed. She wants to hold her hand. She wants to hug her. She wants Costia to hug her. She wants Costia to say something to reassure her: It's just been a bad day, you're still my best friend.
"Are you gay?"
No. Maybe. Yes. No. But definitely not straight.
Lexa's eyes widen in surprise, she didn't know what she expected to hear but it was certainly not that. She sputters, "Where? What?" It was absurd. It was impossible.
"There are rumors, Lexa." Lexa feels her palm curl into fists, irritation floods her like a tidal wave. She vows whoever was spreading rumors about her and make sure the person doesn't tell another about anyone.
"Answer the question." Costia demands. Lexa's eyes widens, she cannot confirm it. She doesn't know. She was only starting to explore what it was that she wanted - that she is. But she cannot deny it. I'm losing you.
"Where did you even hear-" Lexa pushes, she needs to know. She has to know. She hasn't explored this yet. It wasn't a no, it wasn't a yes. And she hated being rushed, she hated being pushed to answer questions she doesn't have the answer to. Yet. Costia was pushing her buttons.
"ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, LEXA." Costia screams, making Lexa jump. If there was one thing she knew it was that Costia never raised her voice. She feels the urgency in her voice. She feels terrified. She feels defeated.
"I don't know! Okay?" She spats, "Yes? Maybe? I don't know. Why does this matter?"
"Because."
"Because? I don't know where this is coming from." Lexa was dragging each word, she was going to come out when she was ready - when she's figured it out. She didn't expect it to be like this at all. "Does it matter if I wasn't straight?"
"So you aren't?"
"Do you see what you're doing right now?" It was a whirlwind for Lexa, she was going from angry to sad to confused in a pace without transition. She shifts to steady herself. Her breathing was heavy. "Just because of a fucking rumor."
"You either are or you're not."
"I don't know." She says desperately, she has a strange feeling in her gut. "I've thought about it. Why does this even matter?" Please be accepting. Please say you don't care… that you still love me.
"Lexa." Costia was poker faced. It was a mask and Lexa knows it.
"Answer the question, Costia. Why does this matter?"
"It changes everything."
Lexa doesn't expect that. "How does this change anything? I'm still me. See?" She opens her arms wide and she twirls, maintaining her eye contact with Costia. Her hands reaches for Costia's, desperate - thankful when she doesn't pull away. "This is still me, Cos." Who are you trying to convince?
"But it's different."
"How is it different? How are things different because I might be gay?"
"It is precisely because you are gay, Lexa." Her arms drop to her side, she feel her heart do the same. Her head is spinning, her legs feel like jelly. She's surprised she hasn't fainted yet. She doesn't know how to respond to that.
"Since when?" Costia says, barely a whisper. Like she's afraid of knowing the answer.
"When what?"
"Since when did you start feeling like you are like this?"
Lexa swallows. "I think... I think I always had a feeling."
"Always, Lexa?! We shared a bed." Costia was gritting her teeth, dragging every syllable. "Multiple times."
"But you're my best friend!" She answers back, exasperatingly. She couldn't make herself believe that this was happening. "It doesn't mean anything."
"So no perverted agendas then?" Her words stung as if Lexa has been slapped. She could love Costia if she wanted to. She wanted to. Perverted. She was being reduced to a pervert.
"How dare you." She says, her words seething bitterly. It would have been better to have been given broken glass to eat. Her fists were shaking. She clenches her jaw. Costia was threatening to speak. Lexa fights the urge to stop her.
"We hug a lot, we hold hands, we peck each others' cheeks, we play along with people who think we're actually dating!" You don't mean that.
"This is crazy." She takes a deep breath and shakes her head. She wonders who she was trying to convince that they were - are - friends. "You're one of my best friends. I like holding your hands because they're soft. I like hugs as much as anyone else. I kiss your cheek because that's what we do and you're… you've been okay with that! I don't even know if I'm gay, Costia! But I'm not straight."
This was the first time she's said it outright and it felt right. She feels lighter, but oddly regretful. She doesn't want to regret this. "I don't want to lose you, Cos."
"I'm sorry."
Lexa doesn't say anything, she couldn't bring herself to say anything that wouldn't make things worse. She takes a step forward and Costia takes two steps back. Lexa's eyes starts brimming with tears. Her breathing is slow and deep. She thinks, please don't do this. She thinks, please say this isn't real. She thinks, please say you love me.
"Cos, please." Lexa pleads, "I can't lose you." You're my best friend.
Costia turns away, she was giving up. She was walking away.
Her clenched fists tighten, her nails digging on her skin. She fights the urge to punch something - anything. "So, 4 years down the drain, huh?" She spits, smirking as it makes the other girl stop.
"Lexa." Costia says like a warning before turning back. "Don't do this."
"Me?! You started this. How could you? It's still me, Costia. How could you walk away from me like this. It's like you never cared for me at all."
"Don't say that." Lexa sees the way Costia's arms slump to her side. She hears the pain in her voice.
"It feels that way."
"I did care about you. I loved you."
"Past tense." It sounds a lot like goodbye.
"I'm sorry, Lexa. I'm… I'm just not comfortable being around you right now."
"Humor me."
"It isn't normal, Lex. This isn't normal."
She allows her tears to fall. She never expected to hear such hatred or disgust from her best friend. Ex-best friend. She takes off her necklace, one part of a heart and shoves it to Costia's palm.
"You're right. This makes all the difference." Lexa says bitterly, she turns around before she wills herself to cry some more. She could hardly believe what just happened. She walks away and doesn't look back, memories of a four-year friendship on her back.
"What a bitch!" Octavia screams, slapping a palm to her mouth as soon as the word escapes her mouth. She mouths apologies to the people around her and Lexa. She loops her arm around Lexa's and leans on her shoulder and they continue walking home.
Lexa sighs and closes her eyes, she barely stopped crying, "This isn't how I pictured this."
"Pictured what?"
"I don't know." She shrugs, "Figuring it out? Or coming out? Does this count as coming out?"
"But are you sure now?"
"With what?"
"With the gay thing."
"I don't know, O. I mean, I think about it a lot. But I don't think I'm really sure of a title quite yet? Does that make sense?"
"Well, you don't have to label yourself to be something, you just kinda have to allow yourself to be you, right?"
"You are younger than I am, right? Sometimes I forget."
Octavia beams, she knows to take it as a compliment even when her sister says it differently. She pinches her chin in thought, "It doesn't make sense though. I never pegged her as horribly homophobic."
"Costia? Yeah, it surprised me too." Lexa looks at Octavia, she was worried about another rejection but she had to know, "Would you be okay with it? If I was… When I figure it out…"
Octavia stops abruptly and places both her hand on each of Lexa's shoulders. "Lexa, I love you no matter what."
Lexa's eyes starts brimming with tears, Octavia envelopes her into a hug. Firm. Tight. Gentle. She says, "I don't care what you are, what you become, you are my sister and I love you. Okay?"
Lexa gives her a nod, her nose rubbing on the other girl's shirt. She lets her tears fall, thankful for her sister's stable arms. She whispers a quiet, "Okay."
Lexa is sitting at the edge of Octavia's bed, carefully folding her clothes and placing them neatly into a black suitcase. Octavia was rummaging her closet for her nicest clothes and throwing them towards Lexa for folding and organizing; and for making sure she doesn't forget anything.
Lexa tucks a bag of bangles at the edge of the suitcase, "Is this necessary?"
Octavia peeks from inside her closet and rolls her eyes before answering, "Well, it's different sets for different clothes. They have to match what I wear, you know. I have to look good all the time. Who knows who I might bump into."
"Is this about that Griffin girl again?"
"Please, like you really don't find her attractive? But yes. Good heavens. Imagine if I do meet her."
Lexa chuckles at the scene, her sister gripping on a shirt lovingly, obviously thinking about Clarke Griffin. "I'd really rather not?" She says, wrinkling her nose. "You would embarrass me. I just know it."
She manages to dodge the shirt Octavia threw at her but was unable to dodge the second attack. She lifts a frilly pink panty with her finger and cocks an eyebrow at her sister, "Really?"
Octavia grins widely and replies with a shrug, "It was the closest thing and you deserved it. You're lucky it wasn't used."
"Gross, O!"
"Lexa! Octavia! Dinner." They hear their mother call. Lexa throws Octavia's underwear back at her, the younger girl successfully dodging it, sticking her tongue out in retaliation.
"What are we having?" She asks Octavia.
"Spaghetti and meatballs, I think." Lexa places a palm to her stomach, immediately feeling hunger at the sound of food. She hums, "Spaghetti sounds so good right now. Let's finish this later?"
"O?"
"Yeah?"
"The gay thing, would you mind keeping it a secret? For now?" Lexa looks at her sister, hopeful, "Just… just until I figure it out."
Octavia links their arms, dragging her to the hall. She whispers, "Don't worry. It isn't mine to tell."
"Although." Lexa looks at her eyes wide, softening a little at the other girl's smirk. "I'm offended you'd think I'd tell them. I can keep a secret you know."
"You're a little shit sometimes." Lexa huffs.
"Yeah. But you love me."
"I do, yeah." The Blakes are the only family she's known. Losing Costia to a reason so absurd and ridiculous was terrifying. And yet, it felt like the first loss she'll have. I can't lose this, too.
"Lighten up, they love you. Regardless." Lexa smiles at Octavia's words, letting herself relax. A part of her knows it to be true. But a part of her simply hopes that it is.
"Lexa! Octavia!" Their mother calls again. Octavia stays with her, waiting for her to take the first step. Lexa takes a deep breathe and pulls them both down the stairs.
Lexa walks towards the fridge, pulling out a pitcher of water and setting it on the table. She walks to the cupboard to get a glass. She pours herself a glass before putting back the pitcher in the fridge.
She leans at the counter, glass of water in one hand and her phone on the other. 4 missed calls and 3 messages from Anya.
- 18/12 Thurs -
Anya Woods 8:00 PM
What happened?!
Anya Woods 8:05 PM
That bitch texted me. Are you okay?
Anya Woods 8:35 PM
Text me.
Lexa shakes her head at the term, this is the second time people called Costia a bitch. She wasn't comfortable with it, even when she didn't care much about Costia at that moment.
9:05 PM Lexa Blake
Sorry, I needed to help Octavia pack.
Yes. I am okay.
Anya Woods 9:07 PM
I go away for a year and you come out?
I'm offended.
9:08 PM Lexa Blake
There was nothing to tell.
And I'm not out?
9:09 PM Lexa Blake
Yet?
Anya Woods 9:10 PM
I knew it.
9:10 PM Lexa Blake
Knew?
Anya Woods 9:11 PM
Yeah. Takes one to know one.
9:11 PM Lexa Blake
WHAT?!
Anya Woods 9:12 PM
We'll talk when you get here, alright?
9:12 PM Lexa Blake
Okay. Good night.
I miss you, A.
Anya Woods 9:13 PM
I miss you too, L.
Lexa smiles, looking forward to the trip even more. She slips her phone to her pocket and puts her glass away. She checks the lock on the doors and windows again before retreating to her room.
A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed that? (This makes me so nervous.) If anyone wants to chat, I am available in Tumblr (misstopak) and Skype (dinmarielee). :D (I welcome all distractions, conversations and whatnots.)
