"Dear reader," said Kelaiah. "It has been brought to my attention that this fic is against the rules of . Now even though there are a great many fics on this site that have broken the rules and yet are still in existance, there is still a good chance that this fic (and even my account) will be taken down. Which is why I ask you all to be on standby, so to speak. But have no fear, I still plan on going on with this fic, since it seems to be such a rocketing success."
("Yeah, right," grumbled Ublaz and Rasconza.)
"Alright," Kel's voice boomed over the intercom. "Last time we left off, both of our characters here tied in their fangirl contest - and I must say now that anyone who voted after the results came in, I'm sorry, but your vote no longer counts. You were just too late - but better timing next time, right?
"Now then, just what were the punishments you each had in mind for each other?"
"But, but Kel," Ublaz and Rasconza stammered. "We tied, we don't need to be punished!"
The ferret gave a scowling sigh. "Look, do either of you recall that one episode on The Simpsons where Homer and Ned Flanders had a bet on their sons playing against each other at golf, and it ended in a tie, but Homer and Ned both went on with the punishments?"
"No," the fox and pine marten said.
Kelaiah rolled his eyes. "Look," he said testily. "After all you guys went through, after all I went through, after all the readers went through, you guys are going to go through with the punishments whether you like it or not! Now tell me, either you choose to reveal what punishments you had in mind for each other, or I'll be the one deciding the punishments, or better yet, the reviewers-"
"Okay, okay, we'll talk! We'll TALK!"
"Good," smirked Kelaiah. "Now then, Ublaz, why don't you go first. If you had gotten more fangirls than Rasconza, what would've he had to do?"
"Well, he. . . ." the pine marten trailed off momentarily.
"Yeees?" the ferret prompted.
"He would have to let me hypnotize him."
"NO!" shouted Rasconza, toppling backwards out of his chair. "NO! Absolutely not! I REFUSE! That is totally and absolutely and unnecessarily cruel, you can't do this t'me, Kelaiah! You can't! Ah, c'mon, mate, you wouldn't be that cruel to a poor old fox, would ye?"
Kelaiah answered by sending out the same straps from chapter 1 to tie the fox up.
"Alright, Ublaz. You know what to do."
While Rasconza had been wailing and pleading with Kelaiah, Ublaz had suddenly felt his powers return. Grinning, the pine marten walked up to the tied-up fox, whose eyes met with Ublaz's. . . .
Rasconza began to stop struggling, and eventually became still as a rock. The straps binding him melted away, but the fox didn't try to make a run for it. He stared dead-straight into the pine marten's almond-shaped dark eyes, all emotion wiped from his visage.
Ublaz grinned. A very broad grin, one might add.
Finally . . . finally he had that little foxy trapped in his gaze! Ublaz had never been able to entrance Rasconza with his hypnotic stare in the book, and because of that the murderous game between them had been so rocky . . . but now. . . .
The pine marten continued to grin malevolently at the corsair, who sat staring dumbly back. Ublaz began to feel slightly giddy. What should he do now?!
After giving a moment's thought, the pine marten ordered, "Slap yourself."
Rasconza obeyed, bringing his paw up and striking himself heavily across the face.
Smack!
Ublaz almost giggled. "Slap yourself again."
The fox complied.
Smack!
"Again."
Smack!
"Again."
Smack!
"Again."
Smack!
"Again, again, AGAIN!"
Smack, smack, SMACK!
Finally the pine marten began to tire of this, so he set about for something else for his rival to do. . . .
After giving a few moments thoughts, the mad-eyed Emperor gave another grin and said, "Say Kel, may I have a one of those cam-recorder things?"
The desired object appeared just a few feet away from the table.
Ublaz turned back to Rasconza. "Go and stand in front of it," he ordered.
The fox wordlessly obeyed.
Ublaz stood behind the camera to make certain it was on and working. Once satisified, the pine marten told his rival, "Introduce yourself."
Rasconza spoke in a robotic monotone. "Hello. My name is Rasconza, captain of the Bloodkeel."
"Pledge your undying allegiance to me!"
"I pledge my undying allegiance to his mightiness, Emperor Ublaz."
"I am your emperor and in all ways superior to you!"
"Ublaz is my emperor and in all ways superior to me."
"You have always been jealous of me and want to be me!"
"I have always been jealous of Ublaz and want to be just like him."
"I am the greatest creation there ever was! And you are nothing but a lowly maggot!"
"Ublaz is the greatest creation there ever was, and I am nothing but a lowly maggot."
"I am still young, in my prime, and NOT fat in any way, shape, or form!"
"Ublaz is still young, in his prime, and NOT fat in any way, shape, or form."
"I have excellent taste in clothing and you have very poor taste in clothing! In fact, your clothes are terrible!"
"Ublaz has excellent taste in clothing and I have very poor taste in clothes. In fact, my clothes are terrible."
"My death was . . . totally awesome and poetic and tragic, whereas your's was just stupid!"
"Ublaz's death was totally awesome and poetic and tragic, whereas mine was just stupid."
"I am the swordbeast you will never be, and you can't . . . hmm . . . well . . . you just smell bad."
"Ublaz is the swordbeast that I will never be, and I just smell bad."
The pine marten was beginning to run out of ideas, when suddenly his eyes lit up evilly.
"And you also sleep with a little stuffed bunny named 'Froo-Froo'!"
"I also sleep with a little stuffed bunny named 'Froo-Froo'."
Ublaz laughed at that. Ah, it felt so good to get revenge on Rasconza like this! Satisified with what he had recorded, the pine marten turned off the recorder and said to Kelaiah, "Would you mind keeping this in a safe place for me so I can make copies?"
"Sure thing," the ferret replied, and with that, the recorder disappeared.
Ublaz, however, wasn't quite finished with Rasconza yet.
"Now, Rasconza, my friend," he said, strolling over to the statue-still fox. "Listen very closely to what I'm about to tell you.
"Everytime I say the word 'favorite', you shall always stand up and scream 'I want my mommy'. Got it?"
"Yes, my lord."
"Good," said Ublaz, grateful for remembering that one Talk Show he had been on; what had been the host's name? Ah, Snowfur, right. The memory suddenly sparked another memory. . . .
"Say, Kelaiah, can I have that recorder back?"
Immediately, the recorder was back in place. Ublaz then said to Rasconza, "Now then, Rasconza. I want you to step behind that curtain over there and change into. . . ." the pine marten's voice became very low as he leaned in to whisper into the fox's ear.
Rasconza wordlessly did as he was told . . . and within minutes he was standing back out in front of the camera, dressed very similarly to a certain weasel who made his debue on Nonny's Redwall on Broadway. Only he had flower-bracelets on his wrists and ankles, a large flower-necklace hanging on his neck, and several more tropical flowers dotted his brush.
Ublaz, whose cheeks were beginning to hurt from grinning so much, turned on the recorder, and said, "Start singing, fox."
"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CU CU RAUCHA! LAA CU CU RAUCHA! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAA!"
The pine marten then lost all control of himself and was soon on all fours, pounding his fists into the floor. Rasconza continued his singing and dancing, oblivious to all about him.
Finally, Ublaz, wiping his eyes with one of his silk kerchiefs, stood up, wheezing and crying out, "Enough! Enough!"
Immediately Rasconza become stone-still again.
Making certain he still had room on the recorder, the pine marten then told the fox to go and change behind the curtain again. Only this time . . .
. . . he came out wearing a frilly dress of a shade of pink that clashed horribly with his red fur. A gigantic bow perched itself on top of the fox's head, and his brush was now arrayed in several pink ribbons.
"Here you go," Ublaz said pleasantly, presenting Rasconza with a rose. "Put that between your teeth and start singing 'I'm a Little Teapot'."
Rasconza obligued, doing all the right dance movements for each song. After he was finished, Ublaz permitted him to change into his old garb again, and had Kelaiah store the recorder someplace safe.
("Hah," thought Ublaz. "The next step will be to make copies and sell them to the highest bidders!")
Once again the fox stood stock still, and Ublaz began firing off orders.
"Whenever I say, 'I am Ublaz, the greatest warlord there ever was', you say, 'And I'm just a smelly old seafox'."
"Yes, my lord."
"Whenever I say, 'Lovely', you shall say, 'I stink'."
"Yes, my lord."
"And every time a bell rings, you shall cluck like a chicken."
"Yes, my lord."
"And . . . let's see. Ummm . . . whenever I say 'I'm smart', you say 'And I'm stupid'."
"Yes, my lord."
"And . . . oh, let's see. What else is there? Ugh, I'm running out of ideas. . . ." The pine marten's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh, I know.
"Everytime I say 'Rasconza', you shall say, 'I listen to the Backstreet Boys'."
"Yes, my lord."
Ublaz nodded. "Good. I think I'm done here. Now Rasconza, by the time I count to three, you'll have forgotten all of this. You won't remember any of it, alright?"
"Yes, my lord."
"Good. Alright then, one, two, three!"
Rasconza blinked. He looked around. "Wha . . . wh-what 'appened? I thought ye were going to hypnotize me!"
Ublaz (who noticed that his powers were once again gone, but this time he didn't mind so much) smiled and said, "Mm, I decided not to after all."
The fox stared before grinning wolfishly. "Ooh, I get it! You think that if you refuse to do anythin' t'me, I'll refuse t'do anythin' to you! Well, it's not gonna work, Mad-Eyes! Yore gettin' punished, all th' same!"
"Very well, very well," murmured Ublaz as he sat back down in his chair. "So, what do you plan to do to me? Carve my eyes out? Beat me senseless? Pour oil all over my robes? If you do, please allow me brace myself."
Rasconza, however, shook his head. "Oh no, Ublaz. I've got something much, much worse planned for you."
The pine marten blinked and sat up a little straighter. "What do you mean?"
"Well," the fox-pirate drawled. "Y'know how I've been callin' you 'fat' lately?"
"Yeeesss," Ublaz replied slowly, narrowing his eyes.
"Well, I've got to admit, I was wrong t'do that."
Ublaz was very taken aback - and even more suspicious.
"Y'see," continued Rasconza, coming closer. "Yer not really fat. Not really. A little soft, maybe. But definitely not fat."
"Where are you going with this?" demanded Ublaz, feeling more uneasy by the moment.
"Well, I decided that in order fer to be able to call you 'fat', you'd actually have to be fat!"
"What's this-?"
But before the pine marten could get another word out, Rasconza pulled out a bone whistle and blew a long, sharp whistle.
"Wotwot, top hole, wot wot!"
Ublaz suddenly knew what was coming. He leapt up, trying to make a run for it, but the weird!hares seized him and pushed him back down into his chair and held him there while some more of them spread out a long cloth across the table. Several bowls, plates, and platters of all kinds of food appeared on it, and the hares began stuffing Ublaz silly.
First they fed him some yellow cheese, followed by some soft nutbread, candied chestnuts, elderberry cordial, apple and damson pie, deeper'n'ever pie, a chestnut and blackberry flan, a multicolored woodland trifle with yellow meadowcream, mushroom soup with chopped carrots, October ale, dark fruit cake, honey rhubarb crumble, plum pudding, fresh spring salad, soft white cheese, hot baked oatbread, mushroom and leek pastie, cold mint tea, strawberry cordial, deeper'n'ever turnip'n'tater'n'beetroot pie, carrot and mushroom flan, hot oatcakes covered in honey, greensap milk, a cheese flan, an Abbot Durral surprise cake, cress and watershrimp soup, celery and leek turnovers, strong old chestnut cheese, barley bread, greengage flan, latticed redcurrant tart, maple cordial, parsnip and mushroom pastie, and nutbread rolls.
By about this time, Ublaz's waistsash had been growing tighter and tighter. The pine marten groaned as his expanding stomach strained against the offending garment. None of the hares bothered to remove the sash, probably because they were too intent on feeding Ublaz. Just when it seemed as though the waistsash was going to cut through his skin-
Bam!
The sash broke, and Ublaz's belly flopped out, causing the hares surrounding him to roar in laughter. They began to use his paunch as a drum, each taking their turn and making up a little ditty about the pine marten. The hares were quite enjoying themselves; it had been awhile since they had been able to do this Martin the Warrior (and the warriormouse was doing everything in his power to make certain they would never get another chance), and Ublaz's paunch was quite a nice drum; the silk robe added a smoothness to the rhythm.
Then suddenly one of the hares pulled out a barrel of hotroot'n'watershrimp soup and poured all of its contents down Ublaz's throat. Within moments heavy steam was shooting out of the pine marten's ears, which is why the hares started giving him ice-cold beverages: elderberry wine, dandelion and burdock cordial, beetroot wine, parsnip cordial, pennycloud wine, raspberry vinegar, and pink rhubarb wine.
Blackcurrant muffins, dandelion tea, pear pudding, elderberry and rosehip cordial made their way into Ublaz's mouth, followed by a leek pastie, hazelnut cheese, hazelnut pudding, elderberry tart, plum cordial, celery and mushroom turnover, heavy fruitcake, apple pie, bilberry scones, a sizable lobster, lots of Honey Moles, soups and stews of seaweed and shellfish, and melons.
Ublaz nearly choked on the melons, but he somehow managed to swallow as the hares were continually stuffing his face with the following: wild grape trifle, strawberry fizz, yellow cheese with chestnut and celery, white cheese with hazelnuts, pale gold cheese with chives and apples, soft cream cheese with almonds, fawn-colored cheese with carrot and acorn, solid reddy cheese with radish and onion, hazelnut cream pie, meadowcream trifle, pear flan, mint wafers, and a chestnut and mushroom flan, and much, much more.
It was only after the hares started using Ublaz's paunch as boxing practice that the pine marten lost consciousness. . . .
"Ublaz? Hey Ublaz, wake up!"
The pine marten gave a bit of a start and opened his eyes, only to shut them tightly and groan.
"Ugh, where am I?"
"Still in this fanmail-answering-room-place," came the voice of Rasconza.
Ublaz groaned again, rubbing his eyes. "Oh, I had the worst nightmare. . . ."
"Wasn't any nightmare, matey."
Ublaz opened his eyes again, and saw a very blurry Rasconza - and realized his powers were still gone.
"That . . . that really happened?"
The fox nodded, and as the pine marten's eyesight cleared, he saw an evil grin spreading across his features. "Oh yes. And if y'don't believe me. . . ." he trailed off, glancing downwards.
Slowly, Ublaz also looked down . . . and saw. . . .
"Heh, now I can call you 'paunchy', eh?"
The pine marten looked up from his protruding belly into the fox's face, rage filling him. Rasconza only stared back, still with that grin on his face.
"What's the matter? Did ye swallow yer tongue too?"
Ublaz began to feel himself shake with anger.
"Careful, now," Rasconza admonished. "Don't wanna do that, it makes yer fat jiggle."
The pine marten opened his mouth to say that he was not fat - except he was, which caused him to close his lips. He could only stare, furious, powerless, into the smug, smirking face of Rasconza, who he didn't hate more than this moment -
Think of the vid, the vid! the pine marten's brain reminded him. You'll be able to get back at him later!
Right. He'd have his revenge. For now, he'll just let Rasconza gloat; after all, that was just the sort of thing the fox would do: gloat over his fallen enemy while they brought him down with them.
"Right then," Rasconza's voice interrupted. "Let's get you on that scale now, shall we?"
Ublaz started. "What? No! Keep away! I won't be weighing myse-"
"Too bad, pudgy," the fox snapped, heaving the potbellied pine marten out of his chair.
"Don't call me 'pudgy'!" Ublaz raged, struggling to break free - only to realize he was too overstuffed to fight back.
"Oh I'm sorry," replied Rasconza as he dragged his rival across the floor. "I said I'd call you 'paunchy', didn't I? So sorry, paunchy."
"Grrah! Grrr!" Ublaz tried to bring his head back sharply like before - except his body didn't seem to want to obey him. Plus Rasconza was keeping his muzzle well out of range.
"C'mon, get that belly-fat onto the scale 'ere. Here we go!"
Ublaz felt his feet being placed firmly on the scale.
"Now stand up straight, go on! Don't try to lean on me!"
The poor overstuffed pine marten actually found himself obeying the orders - but then again, it was probably best that he did, as Rasconza would probably drop him if he leaned against the fox.
After a moment or two of silence, the corsair gave a low whistle.
"What?" rasped Ublaz.
"Wow," was all Rasconza would say.
"What?"
"Well . . . let's just say my previous calculation of twenty-nine times your weight is now definitely eighty-seven hundred."
"WHAT?!"
Ublaz tried to look down at the scale - except his belly was sticking so far out that he couldn't see. Rasconza saw what he was trying to do, and helped by placing his paw on the pine marten's paunch and pressing it inwards.
"There y'go. Can you see it now?"
Ublaz stared.
There, in a seemingly undeniable way, the scale read three-hundred pounds.
"Uuuhhh," was all the pine marten said as he swayed and lolled backwards into Rasconza.
However, the fox was not crushed by Ublaz's weight; he was able to hold both himself and the pine marten up.
"You rigged the scale to read three-hundred pounds, didn't you?" said Kelaiah. It wasn't a question.
Rasconza grinned. "Yep, I sure did!"
"Hm, I'm wondering whether you should tell him that or not . . . it might prove to be a source of relief and comfort for him . . . but then again it might increase the revenge he'll undoubtedly reek on you."
The fox corsair shrugged. "I'll take my chances."
"Right. Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you, fellas! We'll see you next time, maybe."
"Twas a pleasure," smiled Rasconza.
Ublaz seemed to be only half-conscious, murmuring to himself, "No . . . no . . . three . . . three . . . hundred . . . pounds . . . belly . . . fat . . . I'm . . . fat. . . ."
However, the pine marten's paunch quickly began to flatten until he was his normal size.
Rasconza shook his head sadly. "Ah, now that's a shame. Pity he couldn't have stayed like that. I enjoyed having a reason to call him paunchy."
"Well, that's all for now," was all Kelaiah could think to say. "Er, say Rasconza, on your way out, could you take Ublaz to the healers?"
"Certainly," was the fox's reply as he picked up the pine marten with surprising easiness. After looking about the windowless, doorless room, he said, "Er, Kel, how do I. . . .?"
"Oh sorry."
An open archway suddenly appeared in one of the walls that lead down a hall that lead to a healer's ward and back to Mossflower.
"Thankee," said Rasconza, and with that, he carried Ublaz down to the healers (knowing that if he didn't, Kelaiah would inflict severe trouble on his brush), and then made off to Mossflower to dwell in bliss obscurity until some other fanfiction author called upon him to star in their fic.
"Well, that's that!" said Kelaiah. "Now then, now that our first duo is done and finished with, why don't I introduce our next duo?
"Our next duo is going to be Laterose of Noonvale and Badrang the Tyrant. I think I'll have just an 'intro' chapter with them next to get them settled in their environment before answering the fanmail.
"But anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this, and are eagerly awaiting the next installment of Redwall Fanfiction!Bwa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa (cough)!"
