The First Time She Saw
It was only a couple of days after the war had ended. The blood loss, exhaustion and wounds had finally caught up to both Sasuke Uchiha and his teammate Naruto Uzumaki. Fortunately, they had separate rooms so they could focus on healing peacefully, recoop and recount what all had happened throughout the course of the war. Naruto had stayed true to his resolve, and was grateful and happy that his best friend had been pulled out of the depth of darkness, and that his curse had been broken after all those years of grief and suffering.
Sasuke had laid in bed, listening to Naruto gush about this to Kakashi, Sakura, Hinata, whoever would listen really and he could feel his shame and remorse grow. He tried to get annoyed about it, rolling his eyes and plugging his ears, but that didn't work. He tried to get angry, but there was nothing inside of him left to give to anger, so that didn't work either. Finally, he let the remorse take him. He pulled the curtains shut on his open window, turned the lights down dim in his room, so he was enveloped in total blackness, and rolled over onto his side, burying his face in his pillow, trying to ignore Naruto's voice in just the other room over. Did he really have to sit there and talk about it to whoever would listen? This wasn't something Sasuke really felt like hearing over and over again. He already felt terrible enough as it was.
A few hours later, there was a knock on his door, and in stepped none other than his former sensei, Kakashi Hatake. He was dressed in his normal, jounin attire, looking as normal as ever, with his forehead protector pulled down over one eye, that was formally a Sharingan, and now just scarred, with trademark mask covering the lower half of his face like usual. His spiked, silver hair hung down over the front of his headband. The same old Kakashi. Sasuke slowly pushed himself up into bed with his one arm, his mismatched eyes, one onyx and one Rinnegan, glancing upward at the silver haired man standing tall with his arms folded, gazing down at his former student.
"How are you feeling today?" was Kakashi's first question, but the way the older man was looking at the younger man below him felt scrutinizing. Kakashi was definitely up to something because Sasuke was having that familiar feeling. He shrugged his shoulders, his blanket pulled up to hide what remained of his left arm. "Listen, Sasuke. We need to talk about things, and I know that you're still in recovery, but I think now is the best time to do this before it's too late." Kakashi sighed and pulled up a chair, seating himself next to the Uchiha's bed. "I hope you understand the weight of the situation at hand here."
"The weight?" Sasuke questioned, turning his head and staring down at his one hand which lay listlessly in his lap and he was surprised at how lethargic he sounded.
"The gravity of the situation, Sasuke," Kakashi began gravely. "The war is over, yes, but people aren't ready to be so forgiving because of certain things that you have done."
Sasuke's heart began pounding with anxiety against his ribcage. "I know this already," he responded, his voice masking the anxiousness he felt. No spark, no fight nothing resounded from within him.
"Sasuke, at the risk of sounding horribly harsh here, you did some terrible things. Attacking the Five Kage Summit was unforgivable in the eyes of the Kage. Lord Raikage, Kazekage, and Tsuchikage are not read to be so forgiving. Obviously, you will have our support as best as the Leaf can give you as you did have a huge hand in dispelling the Infinite Tsukuyomi. If it weren't for you, then the world would still be trapped in a dream," Kakashi stated knowingly. Sasuke just stared, not responding. He gave Kakashi the silent go-ahead to continue. "However, getting back to the Kage, perhaps the Kazekage will be forgiving toward you, considering he is close friends with Naruto. The Mizukage may be more forgiving as well. That all depends on her outlook and decision, but you are still seen as an international criminal in the eyes of many people," Kakashi explained.
"I know, Kakashi," Sasuke sighed, leaning back against the headboard of his hospital bed. "Do you think that I don't understand all of this already? Do you think I haven't thought things through since everything happened? I know what I did was wrong. I know what I did was inexcusable."
"I'm sure that you have. I'm not saying that you haven't, but that you need to be careful. You need to not leave the village anytime soon. People from all over may be out looking for you and we can't risk you putting your life on the line as a result. Sasuke, there is also an imminent possibility that you may not be pardoned for your actions before the war, and after the war you attacked Naruto. Naruto is seen as the village's hero, and you two fought so hard to the point you both lost an arm. Now, Naruto may have forgiven you, and may still call you his best friend, but that doesn't mean that everyone else will. There is possibility of a trial as well."
"Kakashi, please," Sasuke pleaded and inwardly cringed at how pathetic his voice sounded.
"Sasuke, I want to ask you a question," Kakashi continued ignoring his former student's plea, his eyes straight on the ebony haired Uchiha boy, not moving from him once. "And be straight with me." Sasuke turned his head and stared back at his former sensei through his black bangs, hanging down between his mismatched eyes. "What on earth were you thinking? What drove you to want to attack and kill your best friend? What drove you to want to think you had to kill the five Kage? What did you honestly think you were going to accomplish by steeping yourself into darkness and hatred and starting a revolution?"
Sasuke sighed and dropped his head, running his only hand through his black, spiky locks. He was exhausted, and the last thing he felt like doing was talking, but if he didn't started talking now, Kakashi was going to drill him until he did. He knew how his former sensei was. "My clan," Sasuke began, unsettled. "My clan was cursed. It's a curse that stemmed back clear from the days Indra was alive. He was the Uchiha's forefather. The Uchiha was a clan that loved so much and so hard, more than anyone, that if we experienced loss, our love turned to hatred, it was consumed by it. That night when Itachi slew my entire clan, my love for my brother turned into a burning hatred that I couldn't resolve, no matter how hard I tried. I tried to build a family with you and Naruto and Sakura. With Team 7, but I couldn't. Itachi was always coming to the surface." Sasuke rubbed his hand down his face as his heart clenched painfully in his chest just from saying his older brother's name.
The dark haired young man closed his disparate eyes. "When I learned the truth about Itachi's sacrifice, my grief turned into despair and my despair turned into a lust of hatred and darkness. I was ready to give myself entirely to the darkness, because that is what Itachi did." Sasuke raised his head and stared hard into Kakashi's eyes. "Itachi gave up his whole life for me and for the village. Itachi suffered because of the evil and the darker side of the Leaf. Everyone hated Itachi. Everyone regarded him as a criminal. I wanted that too. I wanted to take on everyone's hatred and change this shinobi world so the things that happened to Itachi and to my clan wouldn't happen again, but I realize now that my ideal was wrong, because the curse of hatred had such a powerful hold on me, it nearly destroyed me and I nearly destroyed my friendships and my bonds. When Naruto and I had our final battle, it made me open my eyes to everything around me. It made me realize what was important and that wasn't carrying the burden of everyone's hatred."
Sasuke turned his ebony head away from his former sensei and looked up at the ceiling of his dark hospital room. "Naruto showed me that I wasn't alone. He showed me that I wasn't the only one who felt pain. He showed me that it was okay to hurt for one another. He made me realize that my feelings were similar to that of a brother when it came to him. Naruto is the one who pulled me out of the darkness. Naruto is the one who broke me free from the curse of hatred that my clan has suffered from since the day it was initiated."
Kakashi sighed, running a hand through his own silver locks of hair as though in thought of how he wanted to respond. "You say that you wanted to take on the same burdens that Itachi took on when he was alive," Kakashi began, folding his arms across his chest and closing his eyes. "Sasuke, do you believe for a moment that forming a revolution and you completely losing yourself to darkness, becoming the ultimate villain of the shinobi world, is what your brother would have wanted for you?" Sasuke didn't answer. He inclined his head in the direction of the curtains, slightly rippling from the breeze outside of his opened window. "You and Naruto both went to such extremes that you blew off each other's arm. It was because of your impulsiveness, Sasuke. Don't you understand that? And what if something like this happens again-," Kakashi continued, lecturing his former student, and Sasuke interrupted.
"I have no more intentions on harming anyone. I don't plan on attacking or hurting anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to feel pain the way I and Naruto have. I don't wish loss or loneliness on anyone the way I used to. I don't want anyone to feel starved for love and attention. I know I was impulsive. I know I was wrong..." Sasuke's voice began to waver as his resolve slowly was starting to fail. He whirled around, his eyes wide with a mixture of remorse and despair. His breathing heavy. "I'm aware we both lost an arm because of me! I know that I was impulsive and that I was wrong! I know that all of this is all my fault!"
Sasuke was surprised by his own outburst, and he didn't realize that had swung his legs over the edge of the bed and was now inches away from Kakashi's face, as if he were almost desperate to make him realize that he understood everything the jounin had been telling him, and to just please stop bringing it up, but he couldn't bring himself to stay that. Sasuke clenched his teeth and turned his head away from Kakashi, his throat tight.
"Sasuke, listen to me," Kakashi's voice, surprisingly gentle, spoke back up and he felt a hand on his shoulder. "I understand what you feel. I understand the weight that grief and loss can put on a person. I know what the tragedy of the loss of your clan, the realization of what they were and what the loss of your older brother did to you. I know what it was put you through. I've been through something very similar, so I understand fully what you feel. I also understand that you just wanted to put yourself in Itachi's place. I know you felt the need to do that for the sake of your brother, to feel the hatred that Itachi could feel coming from everyone when he was alive. To be judged harshly by being in the Akatasuki, even though now we know why he was there, but still."
Kakashi scooted his chair closer and wrapped one arm tightly around the young Uchiha and pulled him close. Sasuke immediately stiffened at the contact, completely stunned by the unexpected hug he was now receiving from his former sensei. "Itachi loved you. There was no doubt about that. He'll always love you, no matter what you do, but I don't think Itachi would have wanted something like that for you. None of us did," Kakashi explained, and Sasuke began to relax into Kakashi's hold. It had been a long long time since he'd been held by an adult, lectured and comforted by parent, and to him, Kakashi felt almost like... "I'm just happy you're back, Sasuke. We're all happy, but me especially. I don't think I ever told you this, but I've always viewed you like the son I never had. Even after everything, I still do."
The sincere honesty in Kakashi's voice was overwhelming, and Sasuke gasped at the man's words, his eyes wide, trembling. He allowed himself to completely leaned into Kakashi's hold, letting his head rest on the older man's shoulder, fighting back the feeling unrelenting tears creeping up behind his eyes. Kakashi chuckled and patted Sasuke's back. "Maybe that's why I felt the need to lecture you so harshly." Sasuke couldn't respond. He was afraid if he tried to speak, he'd lose his composure. Instead, he just closed his eyes, willing his emotions to just disappear at least for the moment. At least until Kakashi left.
Kakashi pulled back from his student, placing hands on both his shoulders, looking the boy in the face. "Listen to me, Sasuke," the jounin began, and Sasuke unwillingly opened his watering eyes, but Kakashi did not break his gaze. It held honest and true in his small, black eyes. "I forgive you. Just like Naruto, Sakura, Hinata, Sai and all the others have, I forgive you. I'll make sure that I can do whatever it takes to make for certain that you are not imprisoned for life for the crimes you have committed."
Sasuke just nodded his head in response, his teeth clenching, his jaw shifting, as Kakashi released his grip from the younger man's shoulders. "Well then. I'll let you get some rest now. I have some work that needs done anyway. Sakura should be in later to do your vital check. Get some sleep, and remember this, your past is your past. All we can do is move forward and focus on what lies ahead of us, not behind us." Kakashi gave Sasuke his signature smile from behind that mask, gave his former student a wave and walked out of the hospital room.
Sasuke fell back onto his pillows, feeling the strength to stay upright sapped from his entire body as the weight of everything Kakashi had just spoken to him came crashing down like a massive anvil. He stared up at the ceiling, the lights dimmed enough so he could still see the room, and his throat tightened, his heart clenched, and his nose burned. His vision became increasingly distorted until he could no longer see the surroundings of his hospital room, and Sasuke placed his wrist over his eyes, gritting his teeth against the heaviness in his chest, longing to burst forth.
Sasuke found that he couldn't hold it back, try as he might, and he let out a quiet sob, his resolve broken, and the tears leaked out from underneath his wrist, down both sides of his face. He tried to control his cries, not letting them get loud and his chest heaved with each one. He knew what he'd done. He knew the price he'd most likely have to pay for it, but he also knew that he wasn't alone and that he had people here who cared for him. Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei.
The knowledge of it all fell hard and fast on the young Uchiha man. He let the truth sink in, the sad understanding of everything that had happened, from the time he lost Itachi, up til now and it broke him harder than ever. What had he done? What had happened all this time? And the terrible things that his clan had done? The enemy was his own clan, his own family. Now it was all over, and Kakashi forgave him. Kakashi said he looked at him like a father would his own son, right? He had heard right, hadn't he? And at this realization of everything, he took a shock to his system.
There was a gentle knock on his door, and Sasuke ignored it, turning his head away from the door. "Sasuke?" came a familiar female voice and he felt his heart leap into his throat, followed by more intense pressure. Sakura... and as soon as he heard her voice, he wanted her near. He wanted her next to him. He wanted her to just hold onto him and never let go. He didn't want to feel alone, he didn't want to feel afraid, he didn't want to be overwhelmed by remorse, but at the same time, he didn't want to Sakura to see him this way. She had never seen his composure completely crumbled, cracked and broken, shattered like precious glass.
Sasuke listened as Sakura walked inside of the room, and she approached his bed. The gentle tapping of her feet, walked around it, and she pulled back the curtains just enough so she could see him. Sasuke felt the warmth of the outside sunlight touch his face, and he let out another shuddering sob. He heard Sakura gasp and within moments knowing she'd most likely seen him and definitely heard him. The side of his bed sunk down with her weight. He listened as he heard her lay his clipboard and chart on the chair that Kakashi had previously been sitting in.
"Sasuke?" Sakura murmured his name once more, her voice filled with sympathy and with soft surprise. She had never seen him cry before. "What is it? You can tell me. I'm here." He felt her hand rest on top of his wrist before she tugged it off of his face, and Sasuke opened his mismatched eyes, the image of her swimming in his view. "Oh," she breathed, raising a hand to place it tenderly on his face and she began brushing away tears with slender fingertips. He could barely handle the tone of her voice. He didn't deserve her compassion. "Please tell me. What's wrong?"
"K-Kakashi was just here, and...," Sasuke began, his voice cracking. "Itachi, and the war, and just, I messed up. I messed up so bad. I'm so sorry, I'm so truly sorry," he was all he could forcefully choke out before the sobs began once more, and fresh tears welled up and rolled down either sides of his face, disappearing into his pillow and his hair underneath him.
"Oh, Sasuke," was all the pink haired kunoichi could say before she tugged him upright into a sitting positon and wrapped both of her arms around him as tight as she could. He knew she couldn't make heads or tails of the words he just spoke, but maybe she might get an idea of what he felt or what he was dealing with. Sasuke willingly let his face drop onto her shoulder and into her neck, unable to control his weeping, knowing his tears were soaking her shirt and streaking down her neck.
Sakura just soothed him gently, running her fingers through his hair, and rubbing his back, whispering soft words of reassurance. After all, Sakura had never seen him like this. It was the first time she had seen him completey fall apart, and he knew this, but he couldn't help it. For now, he'd just let himself cry until he didn't have anything left in him. Later, he could talk to Sakura about everything, but for now, he could at least take comfort in the fact that she forgave him, and he was there for him when he needed her, and he knew that just from this gentle gesture of comfort, that she still loved him, after all of this time, no matter what. That alone was good enough for Sasuke Uchiha.
