Argh yes, I just re-read this for no reason and realised how awful this chapter was. Deary me. So here it is. It made me laugh. So, you know. Enjoy yourselves. It gets better as it goes along. Promise!
Disclaimer: Arr ye salty gammon!
Chapter 3 – What Seems to be the Problem Officer?
A small boat was currently making its way towards Elizabeth, Will and Port Pacamac, its Captain posing heroically atop the main sail. Illuminated against the clouded sky he stared sexily into the distance, at the port that was his destination.
His brooding gazing was interrupted by a loud revving noise, accompanied by several high-pitched screeches.
Jack Sparrow's gaze wearily slid to his right where a motorboat full of screaming girls (and one boy) had pulled up alongside his tiny boat.
"OHMIGOD OHMIGOD!" The girls (and boy), screeched in cheesy American accents. They were sobbing like loons and trying to reach him. "OHMIGOD JACK!! WE SO, LIKE, LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!"
"AAAAHH! CANIHAVEYOURAUTOGRAPH???"
"MARRY ME JACK, MARRY MEEE!"
Jack rolled his eyes to the heavens. "Bloody hell." He muttered. "As if I didn't have enough to deal with…" He looked down at his boat, where seawater was currently leaking in through various holes in the sides. "Leave me alone!" He yelled. They ignored him. Jack grabbed a rope attached to the mast and slid down it, landing with a splashy thump in the boat. This prompted more screaming from the boat of fangirls and cries such as "OH HE IS, LIKE, SOOO COOL!!!"
Jack grabbed a bucket and began bailing the water from the vessel, whilst trying desperately to ignore the boat of girls. Of course, he could have hitched a lift with them, but taking one more look at them he mumbled, "I'd really rather choose drowning."
However, after a surprisingly sharp force nearly toppled him backwards into the water he turned to glare at them.
A shrill yell of "I got his SASH!" mingled with groans of disappointment ("I really wanted to see him all sexy and wet!") greeted Jack as he grabbed the bucket, scooped up a pail of water and threw it at the motorboat.
"Go on! Get out of it!" He roared as the group in the motorboat began shrieking that their hair was getting wet. With a mixture of kiss blowing and fist shaking the motorboat zoomed off, no doubt to go and show off the stolen sash to various friends.
Jack grinned at his own amazingness. "That showed them!" he said, before going back to bailing the water. He stopped a few moments later as a natural rocky arch loomed up in front of him, a wooden beam thrust in between the arch and men in varying degrees of decay hanging by the neck from said beam. The least moulding looking pirate raised his hat as Jack sailed past.
"Awright, Jack mate!" The hanging pirate said.
Jack raised his hat back. "Hello!" he called. "Haven't seen you in ages mate!"
"I know! What's it been? Few months? 'Ow you bin keepin'?" Hanging pirate replied.
"Alright I s'pose. Yourself?" Jack said.
Hanging pirate shrugged as well as anyone can whilst dangling from the neck. "Can't complain, mate, can't complain."
Jack grinned amiably. "Well I got to be going. Don't think this old boat'll hold out much longer. See you around, yeah?"
Pirate smiled back and nodded. "Yeah! Call me up sometime. We'll do lunch." Hanging pirate waved. Jack saluted him and looked back towards the slowly approaching island.
He stroked his beard thoughtfully and looked at the seawater swirling merrily around his feet. A small octopus swum around his left boot.
"Well." He said brightly as the boat very gradually began to capsize. "That's the party-boat entrance out the window." He looked back at the port and tried to judge the distance. "No time for the hell-raising entrance either…Shame, liked that one…" He mused. He glanced at the mast of the boat, a bright idea forming in his brain…
A few moments later the assortment of characters gracing the quay of Port Pacamac looked on in wonder as Jack Sparro- SORRY- CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow sailed in to port, tap dancing on the mast of his rapidly sinking boat.
It came to a halt, just as the crows nest was about to go under, at an empty spot on the dock. Jack leapt off the mast onto the jetty, landing on one knee and ending his dance with some jazz hands and a "TA DA!"
Everyone in the quay clapped, cheered and whistled at the spectacle. Several woman in the audience swooned at the sheer sexiness of Jack and his dancing.
He bowed and waved, grinning boyishly at them all. "Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week folks!" He said smiling for the camera's that began snapping his photo.
A policeman came grumbling over, clutching a ticket book as Jack began to push past the crowds, still grinning and blowing kisses.
"Hold up there you!" The policeman groused, a small boy following him, swaying slightly under a large and heavy pile of old tickets.
Jack stopped and turned on his heel. "What seems to be the problem officer?" He asked dashingly, with a charming grin.
"You're double parked there mate." The policeman pointed at the very sunk boat. "You're either gonna have to move it or I'm gonna have to give you a ticket."
Jack looked at the boat with raised eyebrows and then back to the policeman, not sure if he was joking or not. "Er… is this a wind up?" He asked, looking round for any hidden cameras. The policeman glared. "I'll take that as a no…" Jack muttered, pulling out a leather purse. "How about we forget the ticket and I just give you three shillings?" He asked hopefully.
"Are you… Are you trying to bribe me?" The policeman said in an astonished voice. "I am an upstanding gentleman of the LAW! I have a moral conduct to uphold and an alliance to His Majesty! I take great offence in-"
Jack cut him off quickly. "And I'll throw in a cheese and pickle sandwich."
"Done!" The policeman said happily taking the money and the sandwich from Jack. The small boy raised his eyes behind the pile of parking tickets, although nobody could see it as he was quite short and the tickets were quite tall.
However, as Jack walked off he swiftly reached out and grabbed the policeman's change purse from his belt when he wasn't looking. "Yoink!" Jack yelled, running off, cackling like a mad person.
---
Meanwhile, up at the fort, Commodore Norrington's (or rather, Pervy Jimjams') promotion ceremony was fully underway.
The military band marched through the middle of the courtyard playing the Macarena whilst precise rows of soldiers did the accompanying dance.
Several dozen rich and important people watched the proceedings, feigning interest.
Elizabeth sat next to a woman with a horribly wrinkled neck, sighing loudly and muttering furiously to herself. "Bloody boring bloody ceremony." She said darkly. "Stupid bloody idiot dress. Made for a bloody stupid bloody child." Several men with poncey wigs looked on in annoyance. "Sssssshhh!" they hissed as someone threw popcorn at the back of her head. This was apparently a very amusing game, evidenced by the fact that some children then started to try and see who could get the most snacks on Elizabeth's tea-tray hat.
---
Elsewhere, Jack, unable to find a tavern that wasn't full of stuffy old men sipping tea out of delicate china cups, had resorted to the next thing on his to-do list; finding a new ship.
He peered around a palm tree at a large, expensive looking ship, cackling quietly. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking (which several people were; they hadn't quite forgotten his fabulous entrance). He sneaked off toward the dock with exaggerated tiptoe movements. He ducked and army-rolled over a bridge and then leapt, commando style, over a wall onto the beach where he crawled over the sand towards a surprisingly unmanned ship.
---
Back at the fort, the band had progressed to the Cha-Cha Slide. "A step to the front!" Governor Swann called and the soldiers, separated into two lines, took two steps forward. "Take it back now y'all!" They took one step back. "Criss-cross!" They criss-crossed their feet. "Criss-cross!" They criss-crossed again. "Everybody clap your hands!" Everyone clapped their hands. Even the rich and important tapped their hands together politely. Norrington appeared at the beginning of the two lines of soldiers and began to dance down the aisle they made, doing some alarming hip movements.
"WOOF!" He shouted excitedly. "WOOF! Yeah! You know you like it like that!"
The sun glinted off the obscene amounts of gold and silver thread embroidering the Governor's dress coat, blinding Norrington slightly. He went crashing into the band, injuring several people in the process. "I'm okay!" He shouted, clambering up and waving his arms around, attempting to save his 'image' from the embarrassment. There were various muffled screams along the lines of "There's an oboe in my eye!"
Norrington was then handed Will's ceremony sword by Governor Swann, as some paramedics ran over to help the injured. Governor Swann took a tiny step back and began to pat his girlish hat back into place. He wound his wig around his fingers, to get some of the curls back into their perfect ringlets. Norrington began to do some very Will-ish circus tricks with the sword, flailing it around going "HI-YAH! HI-YAAAH!" He also attempted some rather awful fly-kicks. The sword went biting through the air and Governor Swann screamed loudly.
"ARRRGH!! OH JESUS WHY!! NOT AGAIN!!" He shrieked, cradling his severed finger and newly savaged lock of wig.
Elizabeth was not paying attention as several medics ran to her father and Norrington abandoned the sword in order to 'help' (i.e. take the opportunity to feel someone up).
She fidgeted and pulled the child dress, muttering to herself in an incomprehensible manner. The children jeered at her as her squirming knocked some of the assorted snacks off of her hat.
Nobody except the children were paying her any attention though. They were too busy laughing as her father was currently sobbing like a woman on the floor, refusing to let anyone take his precious wig.
---
In the middle of a wooden dock, a plank of wood creaked as it was pushed from underneath. The plank of wood slowly raised skywards, perched atop Jack's head. He surreptitiously glanced this way and that, realised that the only two soldiers on duty were looking at naughty magazines behind some barrels and cautiously pulled his self up onto the jetty. He stood up slowly and quietly then stuffed his hands in his pockets and sidled over to the ship, whistling innocently.
Unfortunately he was spied by one of the soldiers who frantically stuffed the magazines out of sight and jogged over to Jack, dragging the second soldier with him.
"Please go away right now." Said the first, blushing guard who kept glancing at a barrel and its hidden contents.
"Yeah, this dock is off limits. You'll have to go away." Said the other guard, in a terrified way.
"I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. I shall be leaving immediately." Jack said, meaning to push past them to the shiny and expensive ship. The guards blocked his way once more, so he rethought tactics.
"Apparently there's some sort of fancy soirée up at the fort. How could it be that you two, er…" Jack saw the guards glancing frantically at the hidden magazines, saw their eyes willing him to go away so they could dispose of them. "…erm, upstanding gentlemen of the Kings establishment did not merit an invitation?" He looked at them pityingly and understandingly as guard one said "Someone has to make sure that no one comes near this ship." However guard two looked at guard one, his lip trembling.
"No! He's right Merv!" Guard two cried, throwing his arms around guard one (a.k.a. Merv). "Nobody wants us! Why am I doomed to be alone forever??" Guard two proceeded to sob into his friend's shoulder whilst unfortunate Merv patted him on the back and said words of encouragement.
"Remember what they told us in the meetings Phillip. Come on, let's chant." Guard two, otherwise known as Phillip sniffed and wiped his eyes on his hand, mumbling the chant learnt in the self-confidence classes.
"I'm a beautiful person and worthy of love. I'm a beautiful person and worthy of love…" They said, one guard considerably more upbeat than the other.
Jack looked at them with raised eyebrows. "Hmm. Right. Yes." He said. "I'll be going then." He edged past them on tip-toe and bounded up the gang plank on the ship.
Phillip sniffed again and hugged Merv. "Thanks mate. I don't know what I would do without you." He said. As he did this, he caught sight of Jack standing at the wheel of the shiny expensive ship, violently turning the wheel and making vrooming noises.
"HEY! GET AWAY FROM THERE! YOU… YOU… CIVILLIAN!" Phillip cried, storming onto the ship, followed by Merv, both with their muskets raised. "You don't have permission to be aboard!"
"Maybe he does. Have you actually asked him?" Said Merv in a level tone.
Phillip spluttered for a bit. "Shut UP Merv!" He cried. "You're undermining my authority!"
Jack very nearly said "Oh well" in a patronising tone, but remembered the pointy objects in his face just in time. "I was only looking." He said hurriedly. "Yes, that's it. Looking. It's just such a pretty boat. I'm very interested in that sort of thing. Ooh yes. Would you look at that interesting wood-carving." He said in an unconvincing voice, pointing in a random direction.
The guards looked suspiciously at him. It's a wonder nobody had noticed he was a pirate yet. He may as well have been wearing a sign that said 'HI THAR! I BE A PIRATE! ARR WALK THE PLANK YE SALTY DOGS'
"What's your name?" Merv asked.
"Erm… Pamela? Oh, no that won't work…" He looked around for some inspiration. "Cannon…ing…ton…?" Jack said with a hopeful smile. Seeing they weren't totally convinced he pressed on. "Erm, yes that's me. Mr Cannonington." He gave them the famous Sparrow grin. "It's foreign."
"What's your purpose in Port Pacamac, Mister Cannonington?" Phillip said, using air quotes around the words 'Mister Cannonington' and winking obviously at Merv, nudging him with his elbow.
"Haha yeah, Mister Cannononingnononington…" Merv trailed off before he made an even bigger arse of himself. "And no lying!" He added trying to recover the situation.
"Alright then. I confess. I came to steal a ship, sail to Tortuga and pick up some crew to rave with. Then I'm going to get completely rat-arsed and most likely fall over several times." Jack said, smiling amiably at them.
"I said no lies!" Merv cried. "Why doesn't anybody listen to me? Can nobody hear the words coming out of my mouth??"
"I think he's actually telling the truth, Merv." Phillip said in puzzlement.
"If he was telling the truth he wouldn't have told us you idiot!" Merv cried.
"Don't call me an idiot! Idiot!" Phillip yelled, before they both dropped their weapons and began to have a girl fight, complete with slapping, hair pulling, biting, scratching, pinching and squealing.
"UNLESS!" Jack shouted. They stopped, midfight. Merv was still biting Phillip's wrist and Phillip still had Merv in a headlock. "Unless of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told you."
There was a pause.
"I'm so CONFUSED" Merv cried.
---
The promotion ceremony had finally come to a finish, with no further accidents or disasters to report.
The rich and important were swanning around drinking sherry, eating cheese and pineapple on a stick and listening to the band play relaxing melodies on the only salvageable instruments left after Norrington's accident.
Elizabeth spotted said Commodore pelvic-thrusting his way over and hurriedly pretended to be in a conversation with some friends. Then she remembered she didn't have any. So effectively, she was talking to herself. "Balls." She muttered crossing her arms defensively and generally looking surly.
"What was that about balls??" Norrington said excitedly, uncomfortably close to her ear.
"Nothing." She said sulkily, rubbing her sore ribs and looking for an exit.
"Oh alright then." He said in slight disappointment "May I have a moment anyway?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
'NO NO NO BUGGER OFF!' screamed Elizabeth's brain, but her treacherous mouth said. "I suppose."
He led her away to a secluded sheer drop and Elizabeth leaned against a wall sulkily. She looked down at the sheer cliff face and sighed loudly.
"Er, you look… um… what's the word I'm looking for?" Norrington began. "No, not sexy. Not kinky… um… LOVELY! Yes, you look lovely Elizabeth." He beamed at her. "Although, you are wearing a rather amusing hat. Look it's decorated with vol-a-vents. And jelly babies! Genius." He said, reaching out to take one.
Elizabeth attempted a pained smile as she swiped his hand away.
"What's the matter?" He said. "You look like you can't breathe. Har har har. Woof. Anyhow…"
A plan started to formulate in Elizabeth's mind. She clutched her ribs, moaning and wheezing over dramatically.
Norrington turned away from her with a sleazy smile and said "I apologies if I seem forward but I must speak my mind."
Elizabeth meant to say "Forward? This isn't forward! Forward for you is trying to undo my dress at dinner!" but as she was wheezing so hard she only snorted in an attractive manner. And when I say attractive, I mean attractive to other pigs. She leaned against the wall heavily, closed her eyes and moaned. "Oh the pain… Oh the paiiiin!" She said dramatically. Elizabeth glared at him when she realised he wasn't even paying attention. She decided to crank it up a notch.
"This promotion only highlights the fact that I'm still single. People are starting to think it's weird that I haven't gotten married yet. They think it's odd that I'd rather hit on everything that moves rather than settling down" Norrington said in a puzzled voice, rambling on and on about basically nothing. "They think I should be married to a fine woman." He turned suddenly. "You have become a fine woman Elizabeth. Veeery, veeery FINE!" He made a horny sort of growling noise and Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Oh, oh, oh. I SIMPLY CANNOT BREATHE. Perhaps I had better sit down for a few calming moments by myself."
Norrington turned away again as Elizabeth screamed in frustration and shouted "What are you, blind?? Oh, oh no, look I'm falling. Falliiiing…" She looked at him and mumbled "Oh for Christ's sake." before taking a running jump off the wall with a very audible thumping noise.
"Yes, I'm feeling rather emotional myself." Norrington rambled on; oblivious to the fact his audience was committing suicide. "It's rather marking the end of an era for me, since when we're married I won't be able to 'WOOF' at other people so much… Elizabeth?" He looked around in confusion realising she had in fact, disappeared. "Elizabeeeeth?" He called again. "Yoo hoo??" He began to look around various stone walls. "Elizabeth? Oho, I know what's going on here…" He said in a sly voice, with an equally sly grin. "Oh, Elizabeth you kinky girl, we're playing hide and seek aren't we? WOOF, my dear, WOOF!" Thirty seconds later he heard a loud splash and after not being able to find her, looked over the side of the sheer drop. "OH MY GOOD GOLLY GOSH! ELIZABETH!" He cried, beginning to take off his clothes. Several soldiers rushed towards him and held him back.
"There's no use taking that off sir! You'll never be able to miss the rocks! It's a miracle she did!" One of them cried.
Norrington looked confused, halfway through taking off his shirt. "I wasn't going to jump in." He said.
"Then why where you taking off…?" The solider trailed off and shook his head. No one even tried to understand the Commodore anymore.
---
Back where the interesting people where, Jack was telling stories of his magnificent adventures to the two guards, Phillip and Merv. He sat atop several barrels, whilst his audience sat on the floor gazing up at him in awe, Phillip clutching a moth-eaten teddy-bear. Jack had a small figurine of himself in one hand and an island native figure in the other.
"…and then I went 'bam!' and he goes 'whack!' and I'm like 'yeah! Take that you little creep!' and then they like, tried to make me their King but I was like, nahh, too much effort so I got back on the raft I single-handedly made out of one plank of wood and a spatula and I sailed all the way to Japan." He beamed at his audience and threw the native figure overboard. "So that was the end of King Tatamulhala. All worship SuperJack, eh?"
Phillip stuck his thumb in his mouth and went in amazement "Then what happened??"
Jack studied the sleeve of his coat. "So, then of course this huge sea monster thingy, like… ROSE out of the sea and-"
He was interrupted however, by a loud splash a few yards from the ship.
"It's the monster!" Screamed Merv.
"Don't be ridiculous." Scoffed Jack, walking to the side of the ship with the soldier's shuffling behind him.
Elizabeth's tea-tray hat bobbed over a rapidly fading patch of bubbles, along with a few jelly babies and a soggy vol-u-vent.
"Will you be saving her then?" Jack asked, in a deadpan sort of way realising immediately that some foolish woman had fallen off the fort.
"Me??" Squealed Philip. "I can't swim!"
"Don't look at me! My wig will get wet!" Merv cried as Jack cast his gaze in his direction. "You're the big hero! You save her!"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Fiiine. I'll do it myself!" He took off his gun belt, hat, coat and sword. "Do NOT loose these or I will be forced to slap you." He said, doing some last-minute warm-up exercises.
With a war cry he may or may not have learnt from the tribe of natives, he dove off the boat and into the water.
"Bring us back some jelly babies!" Cried Merv. "I only like the yellow ones!"
Phillip looked at him in disgust. "You weirdo." He said.
---
