Lily knocked on the door to the white hospital door, holding a small bouquet of flowers and a box of her mother's homemade fudge.
"Come in."
Lily slowly entered and saw Black sitting across from the bed, his feet propped up, and Potter, who was in a hospital bed, grinned at her. She smiled briefly at Potter, then at Black.
"Just stopped to say hi. And I didn't know if you wanted flowers or… How are you feeling?"
"Much better, thanks. I'm all drugged up right now. But… the bone in my leg is fractured. The bullet… hit the bone."
"How long will you be out?"
He didn't - couldn't meet her eyes, staring blankly at the white walls. "They think four weeks, minimum." He looked over at Sirius and something seemed to pass between them because Sirius stood up, muttering an excuse about work, and left.
Lily put the flowers down, not meeting his eyes. "Hope you feel better. I need to get back -"
"What's wrong Evans?" His voice was uncharacteristically soft. She frowned at him, raising an eyebrow. Deciding that no one was going to think she was better if she acted shy and quiet, she met his eyes straight on.
"What? I'm fine."
"No, you aren't."
"Yes, I am."
"Are you going to act like a five year old, or are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"I'm not telling you my life problems, I barely know you." Lily crossed her arms and glared at him.
"Lily, you need help - "
"-I'm fine." Lily tossed him the fudge, not caring when it landed with a thud on his chest. "Do you need anything while I'm here? Food or anything?"
Potter just ran a hand through his hair with one hand, opening the fudge with the other hand. "I'm good. Just take a little time off, ok?"
Lily tugged at her ponytail, swinging it over her shoulder, waved, and left quickly. Outside in the waiting room, Sirius was bouncing a rubber ball on the floor. As she passed, she smiled briefly at him, but unashamed, he gave her an odd look. Feeling out of place and anxious, Lily hurried out of the hospital.
As she left, it began to rain, at first a light mist and then became a low roar as she hurried towards her car. Climbing in, Lily tilted her head back, sighing.
It had been almost three days since the car chase and shooting. One of the men had been injured and arrested, and the other was killed by Prewett or Lily. At the top of the house, Lily had thought for a moment of those three girls, and thought of the torture she had seen. But it had past, and Lily was sure she was alright now, but it didn't help that Black, Prewett, and Potter were all bothering her about it now.
Backing out, Lily decided to go see her Mom and Petunia, hoping to work out what had gone wrong. If she was honest, she had no idea what to expect. Things could go either go two ways - Petunia could slam the door in her face, or welcome her back in with a hug and an apology. Lily could guess which one it would be.
When she arrived at Petunia's apartment, she knocked on the door, running through what she was going to say. Hi Petunia, I'm really sorry about everything since I came back, do you think we could start over? And then later, she would bring up Dad's bills.
Petunia opened the door, smiling, her bright red lipstick cutting through the foggy gloom. Her face fell as she saw Lily standing there in the rain.
"Hi, Tuney."
She was quiet for a minute. "Hi."
"Can… I come in?"
Petunia stood back silently and Lily stepped into the immaculate house. She sat down on the purple couch hesitantly, looking around at the pictures of Petunia and Vernon. Petunia cast a glance outside, then shut the door quickly.
"Do you have a date yet? For the wedding?"
Petunia shook her head, sitting primly on the couch. "Vernon wants to wait."
"What about Dad? Don't you want him to be there?"
Petunia dropped her eyes. "He's going to live for a while longer."
"Tuney… The doctors say he is going to live for only a few more months."
Petunia ignored this, staring resolutely at the floor. Lily took a deep breath and then started on what she planned to say. "Since I got back, things haven't been good, and it's my fault. I've been closed off because I've been worried about Dad, and I'm sorry. Do... you maybe... maybe we could start over, and figure out how to help mom and dad together?"
"Lily, leaving for six months instead of just one when we needed you most wasn't a good idea." Petunia sat up even straighter, if possible, her voice scathing. Disgust seemed to roll off her in waves, and Lily recoiled at the sound of her voice. "The stress of what could happen to you nearly killed our dad, and you weren't even here! You were out, having sex, smoking, drinking, as an 'undercover' cop, doing good, helping bring down a crime family, but in reality, you were just having a good slutty time! And now you come back, a hero, bringing attention to yourself, and it's all going to come back to haunt you when one of those… those criminals come back for revenge -"
Lily tried to say something, but Petunia continued, her voice rising an octave.
"- murder us all in our beds, one by one."
"If I'm safe, you're safe Tuney. We have taken every possible precaution."
Petunia stood up and crossed her arms and Lily's head tilted back to look up at her. "I don't want you back in this house again. Don't call me. I don't want to be traced to you. I can't stop you from visiting mom, but you have a target on your back. Anyone you associate with may get hurt."
"Petunia, this is ridiculous! I'm your sister, you can't just never speak to me again!" Lily stood up now, pacing back and forth.
"This day was a long time coming Lily. You've always been... a little bit off and I will not let you destroy everything that I've worked for," Petunia hissed.
Lily clenched her fists, seething. "So this is it? Last time I ever see you? Not even at the wedding?"
Petunia pointed to the door. "Get out."
Lily bit her tongue, her insides twisting inside of her. She felt sick, and her resolve snapped. "I have worked night and day to pay for Dad's bills, and yet you have been planning a wedding and haven't had time to visit? Or help with the costs? I sold my nice apartment, all the furniture, everything, moved into a one-room apartment, just for Dad, and you say it's my fault he's dying? You live in this gigantic apartment Petunia! But," Lily smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "If you don't visit your dying dad, I never want to see you again. I wouldn't want to be sisters with someone who is such a pathetic snob anyway."
With that, Lily wrenched open the door and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. No tears came, and Lily was grateful. It was if Lily had already known what was going to happen when she had knocked on Petunia's door fifteen minutes ago. It hadn't surprised her, not really. She just thought it would have happened after the wedding, or after the funeral, but she hadn't expected it so soon. Either way, it still stung and bit into her in every way possible. Rain began dripping from the sky, slowly turning into a steady pour, and then a raging storm. Her fingers gripped the steering wheel too hard, and her palms began bleeding from the bite of her fingernails.
As she parked at her new apartment and walked up the steps, Marlene was sitting underneath an umbrella, waiting for her.
"Shite place you live, Lil. Middle of nowhere, and more than a little sketchy."
Lily glared at her. She was in no mood to talk, and the rain was drenching her. "What are you doing here?"
"James said you weren't doing -"
"James doesn't know me," Lily said crossly. She pulled out her keys and shoved them into the lock. She threw open the door and tossed her keys onto the counter. "Why does he care? I'm fine."
"Don't give me that crap. I know you were upset about James getting hurt and that guy dying-"
Lily waved her hand. "I wasn't okay for a minute. James will get better. But I guess I thought that I was back undercover and that I had killed someone for fun. I'm fine."
"Did you? Ever kill someone, I mean?"
"No," Lily shook her head. But her head wasn't in the conversation and the words came spilling out. "No. Not until that guy at the farmhouse. And maybe it could have been avoided, and maybe it wasn't even me! And then that's why I was scared because I thought that maybe I was turning into them and killing for fun and… it was who I really was."
Marlene patted the couch next to her, and Lily sank down next to her, twisting a lock of hair. "But the next day, I was fine. I'm trained for it."
"So why were you upset today at the hospital? James called me and told me that you seemed angry."
"Tosser." Lily bit her lip, trying to phrase a response that made sense. "When I left for undercover, I was only supposed to be gone for a month. My dad… has cancer, and he was supposed to have a few more years, so I thought it would be ok if I left for a while and earned some extra money to help pay the bills. But then one month undercover turned into six, he got worse, and then my sister got engaged. She... stopped paying for the bills because of the wedding and then blamed me for dad getting worse, and stopped visiting. And… and somehow, my mom blames it on me too, but I still pay the bills and I visit all the time, and I run errands and ..." Lily took a shaky breath, still fuming over what Petunia had said. Her hands twisted in her lap. "I went to visit Petunia today, and she basically told me she wasn't ever talking to me again."
"Ever? Why?"
Lily smiled painfully and shrugged. "She's worried about someone getting revenge. They're all going to want revenge. Basically, she thinks I'm a target, and if she knows me, she'll get hurt. I talked to her today and apparently, she's not ever talking to me ever again."
Marlene let out a low whistle. Lily shrugged. "I guess I can't blame her. She could get hurt."
"No way. You've taken tons of precautions to stay safe, changed your house, car, name, everything. No one can find you in this city - even if they knew you turned them in. If you let her tell you that, you are not the person I thought you were."
Lily let her head fall back. "I just want my family back together."
Marlene squeezed her shoulders, massaging some of the tension out. "No family is perfect Lils."
Lily didn't reply, just looking at the ground.
"Are you going to be okay?"
"What if she convinces my parents to forget me too? I mean, she already convinced my mom I shouldn't have left -"
"From what I know about your mom, she won't just cut ties. She loves you, Lily- you know that right? Petunia can put a stick up her arse for all I care."
Lily kicked off her shoes, and Marlene stood up. "Want to watch a movie? I'll make popcorn."
Lily nodded, smiling briefly, still feeling angry, but was more exhausted than anything.
XXX
Before work on Monday, after Lily's fight with Petunia, she drove back to the hospital, bringing more fudge with her. Potter was still in the hospital but was hoping to be released in a few days. As she entered the room, she forced a smile on her face.
"Hey," She set the fudge next to him as he sat up. His hair fell into his face and he swept it out of the way with one hand.
"Hey," He repeated, eyeing her carefully.
"How are you feeling?"
James shrugged. "Like crap. I can't move my leg at all, and I'm bored out of my mind."
Lily smiled, this time a real smile. "I understand." He sent her a questioning look. "I broke my leg in 8th grade over the summer. I couldn't do anything for two months."
James grinned. "Somehow I've never broken anything, even with all the stunts I used to pull."
"With Sirius?"
"Yeah. We grew up together - he's like my brother. We would do the craziest pranks, skateboard tricks, everything, but somehow we never had major injuries."
Lily smiled again. "Sirius was your neighbor then?"
James frowned. "Uh… his parents weren't the greatest, so he spent a lot of time at my house."
"Oh." Lily forced down thoughts of her own family and turned back to James. "Anything you need help with?"
He shrugged. "I'm all good."
"Do you have family nearby to help you when you go home?"
He shook his head. "My mom lived in Los Angeles."
"Why did you leave LA then?"
"Chicago has good jazz music."
Lily smiled. "No, really."
"I'm shocked you didn't know - I love jazz music."
"Jazz? There's no future in jazz. There is much better -"
"I was kidding, Evans." He smirked as she rolled her eyes. "I got bored after college. I didn't want to live near my mom either. Maybe I'll move back if I ever settle down, but for now, Sirius and I live here."
Lily checked her watch and suddenly stood up. "Sorry, I'm running late. I forgot I promised Remus I would pick up the coffee today. Enjoy the fudge." She turned towards the door, pulling out her car keys.
"Marlene told me," James blurted out. "About your dad." Lily swung around an angry retort instantly on her lips. "Well, not details," He said quickly. Lily crossed her arms, instantly defensive.
"She shouldn't have told you anything."
"She was being a good friend. And I don't know the whole story."
Lily glared at him. "And don't expect the whole story either."
"Evans, it might help to talk about it. Sirius would understand the most, he's got a messed up family."
"Potter, I don't need help. I'm fine."
Potter sat up gingerly, wincing. "Evans, you're beating yourself up over something that isn't your fault. You're doing everything you can to help your dad. I know how you're feeling, but It's not your fault."
Lily let a tear slip and angrily dashed it away. "How much did Marlene tell you?"
James winced again. "Most of it actually. But don't blame her - blame me. I made her tell me."
"Doesn't matter." Lily sat down heavily in one of the chairs across from the bed, holding her head in her hands. "Did she tell you that when I left, my dad was supposed to have another few years. I didn't want to take the job, but it paid great? Did she tell you I wasn't supposed to be there for 6 months? Did she tell you what I saw when I was undercover? Or… did she tell you my sister doesn't want to be murdered because someone escaped and knows my identity? She won't even invite me to her wedding, and doesn't want me to go see my parents." She breathed out angrily, tossing her fiery hair to the side. "But you know why I'm fine? Because I have to be. I have to keep going to work so I can pay the bills. And if I'm not fine at work, I could end up dead. So, Potter, I'm fine."
James just stared at her, not saying anything. Lily quickly composed herself, regretting telling him her life story immediately.
"Word of advice Potter? Mind your own damn business," Lily swung open the door and slammed it on the way out.
Shaking, she drove to work. Lily parked the car, slammed the door, and strode into the office, determined to track Marlene down. She pulled her into an empty workroom, whispering angrily.
"- you knew I didn't want others to know about my family Marlene, and you did it anyway!"
Marlene groaned quietly. "I went to visit James and I accidentally said your Dad wasn't doing great. That's all I told him, I swear. I wouldn't say anything more. And… I'm really sorry Lily."
Lily ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated. "I thought he… knew about Petunia too, so I uh… went on a rant about my family. Now he knows it all I guess. No wonder he looked so shocked."
Marlene pulled her into a tight hug. "It's alright Lily, I'm sure he won't use it against you."
Lily took a shaky breath. "When… dad dies, I don't want a lot of people to know. It'll be easier. The less sympathy I get, the easier it will be to move on."
Marlene looked at her with sad eyes. "I don't think that will help."
"I know, but… it's the only… only thing I know how to do."
"Let me know if you need anything, ok? Any time of the day or night. I'm really sorry."
Lily nodded, murmuring her thanks. She wasn't really angry at Marlene anyway. "He's my partner, I should be more open with him anyways. He is, at least."
Marlene squeezed her hand. Lily smiled and held her head high as she began her day, determined to not let her personal life get in the way of her job. I'm fine, she told herself. Everything will work out. But she knew it wouldn't, at least anytime soon. As she pulled out a case file from a recent robbery, she couldn't shake an uneasy feeling the rest of the day.
XXX
A man, faceless, ran through the grey mist, screaming. Another man, this time limping, hobbled through the mist, clearing the fog behind him, and revealing a dark forest. Lily turned around, hoping to find a way out, but three girls stood in her way, each silently sobbing. The tears pooled at their feet, slowly creating a lake. Lily turned again to run, but her feet were stuck in the water, sucking her down, slowly. Her legs were motionless, stuck in place by her fears. The girl's hair began to float as the water rose, and opened their mouth as if to scream. As the water reached her lips, Lily opened her mouth to scream for help, but all she could see was endless black. The water went above her head, suddenly swirling her around and around and -"
Lily shot up, her heart pounding in her chest, blood rushing to her head. She grabbed at her chest as if trying to slow her heart rate. She was drenched in sweat, and she was unconsciously subbing. Slowly, she sat back, leaning against the wall, now clutching her head. Looking at the clock, she saw it was only three a.m. She had only slept two hours again. The past weeks were so full of nightmares that Lily had begun to stay awake at night, too afraid to close her eyes and succumb to the dreams. Her sleep-deprived schedule was catching up to her, baggy eyes, unfocused at work, inattentive, and even more abrupt than usual.
Lily slithered back under the covers, wiping the sweat off her brow but too afraid to leave the security of her blankets. Her heart settled down, but the image of the three girls screaming continued to flash in her mind, over and over again.
Deciding it was hopeless to try to go back to sleep, Lily wrapped the covers tightly around her and walked into the kitchen, fumbling for the lights. Yawning, she opened the fridge and after standing motionless for a minute, she closed the door and collapsed on the sofa, drifting into another dark sleep.
