For a Sick Boy
Chapter Three

'Love love nightmare'


Hello again.

No, its okay- you don't need to remind me. I haven't forgotten. I did last time- but I won't be so rude now.

I know who you are.

And I know what you want to talk about, too.

…Don't look so guilty. I'm not mad at you.

It's just human nature, isn't it? Curiosity. They say 'curiosity killed the cat'- but humans aren't cats, not really, and we can't help but pry into things that don't concern us.

Things that confuse us.

Even things that disgust us.

You try to hide behind your friendly smiles and your 'are you alright's and your 'that must have been difficult's- but you're not that different from everybody else.

You're still disgusted.

And that's how it should be.

Well, maybe not…

But that's how it is, regardless.

You might be a kind person- you're saying that it's not true, you're not disgusted, you really want to help- but, in the end, you're still a person.

You're still a human being.

You have arms and legs and eyes and a nose and a mouth and thousand and one feelings- pre-conceived notions hammered into your head at birth- that certain things are wrong, certain things should not be, and if you encounter any of those things you should ignore them; should judge them; should fear them.

You can't help being human.

You can't help being human anymore than the Earth can help itself from turning.

All humans judge each other.

And all humans are inherently selfish.

We all have the capacity to be cruel.

And that's… just how life is.

It doesn't matter.

I'm fine, really.

Miku always said I was a pessimist, but I'm not- honestly, I'm not; don't you smile at me like that, it's true.

I see things as they are.

And I say things as they are.

And that's that.

Don't worry about it- I already said I'm not angry.

So.

Do you want to talk about Rin some more?

…Haha, I see your eyes lighting up- even though you're trying to be professional, trying to say 'um no you see that's not how it is because you see…' but it's okay.

I see.

I see it all too clearly.

Spare me the small talk. I don't want to discuss the weather- although it is pretty hot in here, isn't it?

Take off my jumper?

No, I don't think I will.

Sorry.

If you want to talk about Rin, we'll talk about Rin.

Everybody wants to know about Rin. They all want to discuss my feelings; they all want to pull my thoughts out of my head and lay them under microscopes to inspect.

Try to give them labels.

How do you label feelings?

But…

To borrow a phrase of Rin's- 'whatever'.

What I want doesn't factor into it.

Truthfully, I'd rather talk about European history; it's interesting, really, and isn't history (even ancient history) all based on human nature, anyway?

But, apparently, the contents of a disturbed boy's mind are more interesting than the causes of a world war- two world wars, in fact- so…

Um…

Let's see.

Rin got a boyfriend, you know?

His name was Kaito, and he was… I don't know his exact height (why would I? I'm not a stalker. I don't know his blood type or his weight or his birthday or anything else like that, either, so don't ask me), but he was pretty tall; far taller than Rin, even though he was only a year older. When I first saw the pair together, I was half-convinced Rin had started some affair with a twenty year old guy- and let me tell you, I wasn't very happy about that.

Would any over-protective brother be?

Hahaha…

But when I found out Kaito was only fifteen (at this time Rin was fourteen; simple mathematics, fifteen minus one is…?) I was still…

Not very happy about it.

Of course.

Those two always looked so happy together; smiling, as though they were lost in their own little world.

Before Kaito came along, it was always Rin-and-Len. Joined together. Sometimes it was Rin-and-Len and Miku, or Rin-and-Len and some of Rin's friends at volleyball- and not just at volleyball, because Rin was really popular, whereas I mainly stayed with Miku.

But when we went to senior high it all changed.

All of a sudden it wasn't Rin-and-Len anymore.

We didn't sit together playing video games at night, and we didn't flick orange peel at each other under the kotatsu, and we stopped baking cookies together- which was probably a good thing for our much abused kitchen, come to think of it, considering Rin had the incredible talent of being able to get flour everywhere.

I'm not over-exaggerating, either.

Every surface of our kitchen was white- as though it'd been hit with a snow shower- when Rin had finished rolling out the lumpy cookie dough.

But we always cleaned up together afterwards- our sleeves rolled up, hair tied back, soapy bubbles that reflected rainbow-colored Kagamine twins drifting lackadaisically through the air.

The washing up liquid we used smelt of flowers- freesia.

I can still remember that…

I would do the washing.

Rin would do the drying.

And then, when we'd finished, we could eat our cookies, straight from the oven- and they'd burn our tongues, and the kitchen still smelt of soap suds, and our clothes would be wet; but it was fun.

Those were simpler times.

We used to be so close.

Even though Rin and I were so different- she was loud, I was quiet, she was bright, I was so very dull- we stuck together like magnets.

Or maybe Rin was the magnet- and I was an iron filing that simply got caught by her bright personality.

I never had any pulling power myself- never had people hanging off my every word like Rin did- never had a flock of friends crowding round me, desperate to hear what I had to say, and…

And I never really cared.

I was never jealous.

I'm still not.

I hate large crowds of people.

I have a natural aversion to people in general.

I'm no good at talking to them.

Oh, sure, I'm talking to you- saying a lot of nonsense, probably, even though you keep smiling, saying you understand…

If okay if you don't understand, you know?

You do?

Okay then…

I can talk to you reasonably well, I suppose.

But when it comes to large crowds- a sea of human beings, all unique and completely different, with different thoughts and feelings and opinions, and you've got to please them all…

I hate that.

Just thinking about it is making me shudder.

A-am I shy?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Maybe that's why Rin had to drag me around everywhere when we were younger.

Maybe that's why I became so dependant on her.

And maybe that's why I felt so completely lost- crushed and lonely and even a little betrayed- when Kaito came and took Rin away.

Oh no, don't get me wrong- I didn't hate him.

I don't hate him.

I honestly don't think anybody could dislike Shion Kaito. He says some unfortunate things sometimes, but that's not out of any inherent cruelty; he just doesn't put too much thought behind his words.

He's clumsy.

Awkward.

And maybe that's why Rin started to hang out with him at first; because he was somebody she could tease, could poke fun at- and, at the same time, he was somebody she could fix.

Rin's good at fixing things.

She's not very good at school work (she says it's boring- she can't pay attention- she'd rather be sleeping), but she can take apart computers and piece them back together better than before- and she can even fix car parts. She used to help dad when she was a kid, with chubby fingers and that over-sized ribbon so huge I always felt like I should run around with two hands behind her back in case she overbalanced and fell over.

Rin can fix a lot of things.

"It's easy," Rin always said, smiling. "You just need to put enough duct tape onto it!"

And Rin can fix people, too.

Kaito probably reminded Rin of me; kind of sky, kind of useless- and Rin spent her whole childhood forcing me to talk to people, to be more sociable, to "put down your books and live your life, because one day you're going to look up and realise you've been shutting everybody out!"

…Yeah.

I am shy, but if Rin hadn't been with me, pushing me along- encouraging me- I'd probably be worse.

But Rin could never fix me completely.

She couldn't…

I'm broken.

But that's not her fault.

I was born this way.

It's horrible to think...

But I think Rin- despite her stubborn nature- might have given up on me.

Maybe she'd found something no amount of duct tape could keep together.

Or maybe…

I-I…

I use the word 'maybe' too much, don't I?

I'm sorry.

I like thinking about various possibilities; how would X have turned out if I did Y, and if I hadn't said Z at point A would I have arrived at point B?

It's a little difficult to explain, but I think a lot of people like doing that.

Maybe I should use 'perhaps' instead?

Except…

Hahaha.

I just used 'maybe' again, didn't I?

Oh well.

Nothing in this life is certain anyway; so it fits.

…Let's see…

Well.

Kaito was just Rin's friend at first- I'm sure of it. Rin was always saying things like "me and Kaito? Get real!", and she'd snigger if anybody brought the subject up-

But then, one day, I was sat at home- doing my homework or something (I always do my work. The perfect model student- that's me. At least, on the outside. I'm always so busy, and sometimes I had to do Rin's homework too… N-not that I minded…), and Rin charged home, her eyes wide, hair messy, face flushed.

"Lennnn!~" she shouted, rushing forwards- and then she plucked my text book out of my hands and threw it across the room.

I think I was doing trigonometry.

Triangles.

Sine, cosine, tangent?

Not very interesting- but, even so, I still felt a little irritable at Rin for disrupting my work.

My irritation didn't last very long, though.

It never does.

I can't… stay mad at Rin…

I complained about my text book a little, I'm sure I did- I complain a lot- but Rin only laughed, prodding me in the side; prodding me all over, and her body was all sharp edges, made of knees and elbows, and it actually really hurt, but Rin was laughing- and I couldn't tell her to get off.

Always so weak…

I'm so weak when it comes to Rin.

"Len, Len, guess what, guess what!" Rin continued to shout, still prodding me- trying to tickle every square inch of flesh her spidery fingers could get at.

I didn't have to guess.

She told me anyway.

Rin's like that. She can't keep secrets.

Her eyes were shining, her face was flushed, and her ribbon was askew- and she looked just like the Rin I'd seen in my dreams (clothes rumpled, gasping for breath) that it made my shoulders tense…

…Ahahaha.

I'm making your shoulders tense too.

Y-yeah…

I-It's not really important...

Well, no.

That's a lie.

It is important.

I'm a teenage boy, and I can't help myself dreaming, you know…? I'd stop it if I could- but I can't.

Can you control your dreams?

Of course you can't.

I'm…

In love…

It's that helpless kind of fairytale 'love' where you devote yourself entirely to one person, giving and giving and giving- and I'd always do Rin's homework, clean her room, go out in the pouring rain to buy her favorite cereal; little things- little things that soon became bigger things, but I could never say no.

Rin learnt over time that she could ask and ask and ask and I'd give and give and give- and even though I complained, I could never disobey her.

I still can't.

I loved her.

Love her.

Damn tenses.

A-and sometimes, I think- can't help but think- maybe Rin was just taking advantage of me; trying to see how hard and how far she could push her lovely, obedient brother until he said 'no'; grew a backbone and told her to go away.

Maybe she was waiting for me to shout at her.

Maybe she even wanted me to.

Maybe she was still trying to 'fix' me; maybe she never gave up.

Kagamine Rin doesn't give up.

But…

I-I don't know.

I felt so guilty about the dreams I had (infrequent, at first, but as we grew older and Rin's figure matured- losing her baby fat around her cheeks, and developing some jagged 'curve'), that I just…

I don't know.

I felt like I owed it to Rin to be the perfect brother.

At least, superficially.

On the surface.

I could go outside in the pouring rain without an umbrella- Rin lost hers, broke mine- to get Rin's favorite cereal, and I could help Rin with her homework; I could do all that.

Small errands like that weren't so difficult.

I could play at being the perfect brother- and even if I couldn't fool myself, I could fool Rin.

But I couldn't stop myself from dreaming.

I couldn't stop my thoughts wandering.

And I thought…

I don't know what I thought.

Maybe I hoped, if I did everything Rin said, my feelings towards her would be excused.

I could pay some kind of 'penance' for being so incurably ill; so sick, so twisted, so blackened and broken…

But I can see, by the look on your face, it doesn't excuse anything.

I tried- I really really tried.

I always try.

I always do my best at everything.

But I could never stop myself from loving Rin.

I'd still have those dreams…

Y-you still want me to clarify?

Human, so human- you say you want to help me, but you're not so different from the others; but I'm not angry, don't worry.

Not with you.

I've never really been angry with anybody but myself…

L-let me spell it out for you.

Almost every night, since that 'kiss' with Miku, I had dreams, daydreams, fantasies…

Fantasies about fucking my twin sister.

It's crude, I know.

I apologise- but I'm not going to mince my words.

I'm a teenage boy; my feelings (even though it's 'love' it's still a physical attraction- I-I'm physically attracted to my all-acute angles, all-elbows-and-knees and brittle bones and cruel smiles sister) are crude.

I wanted- still want, I-I still want it…- to see her lying underneath me, face flushed, crying my name; enjoying it…

T-that's a lie.

I don't even care if she enjoys it or not- because in my dreams, those are the only places where I can be really honest.

Do you want me to be honest with you?

I don't care.

It's not about Rin.

It's all about me.

My whole life has been made of RinRinRinRin; I've been desperate to help her, to do anything I could to make her smile- because I'm a good brother, you see, the best brother… Ahahaha…

But in my dreams I don't care about any of that.

I don't care about making Rin feel good.

I only care about me.

Sometimes she smiles.

Most of the time she cries.

She tells me to stop.

My dream-Rin (my phantom sister, who's just a little more curvy than her real-life counterpart, with bigger breasts and an inability to say no) tells me to get off her; it hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts and I'm meant to be her big brother, her twin, what am I doing stop it stop it stop it and her breath catches in her throat and tears course down her cheeks and it doesn't make me stop- it only makes me smirk.

I go faster.

And she cries harder.

I'm selfish.

A selfish person.

All humans are selfish.

I never said I was any better than you.

…I'm sure you've had some sick fantasies before too.

So maybe we're not all that different, you and I.

You and I and any other person you happen to see walking down the street. We hold airs and graces- but we'll all the same, not so different…

But I dream about my twin sister.

You're 'normal'.

And I'm sick.

And I don't think there's a cure.

I guess was born wrong; maggots in my mind, eating away at all sensible thoughts and feelings, leaving only lust that manifests itself in 'harmless' fantasies- disgusting, so disgusting…

My dreams might be 'harmless', but when I wake up- heart pounding, face flushed, sweating- I always feel disgusted with myself.

Sometimes I bite down on my fingernails- tearing away skin with teeth forcefully, again and again and again, making the disgusting stumps of my fingernails and the worried flesh around bleed, sticky crimson pooling around my cuticles- because I deserve it, I deserve to feel pain; as much pain as I caused Rin in my fantasies…

But I'm selfish, remember?

I welcome those exact same dreams with open arms the next day.

I never used to bite my nails- or my lower lip, or the inside of my mouth.

I do that a lot now.

And on that day- when I was meant to be doing my trig homework, with Rin perched over me, smiling- I was suddenly hit with the memory of those dreams.

Sometimes my dream-Rin smiled; invited it- spread her legs wider, opened her heart deeper.

Most of the time…

Most of the time she cried.

And as the real Rin giggled and prodded my sides, teasing me, she began to blur with my fantasy sister who told me what I really was (a monster you shouldn't be alive I hate you I hate you) in my nightmares.

I couldn't shake the fantasy Rin from my head.

I-I can't even begin to describe it.

I can't.

Don't want to.

I guess you'd call it 'guilt'.

And then Rin was saying something- but my mind wandered; I was all-but drowning in my self disgust and desire, two conflicting emotions that made me bite down on the skin around my thumb until there wasn't any fingernail left at all- but then…

Something Rin said caught in my mind.

She was saying that she'd had her first kiss.

"I beat you, Len!" Rin continued to giggle, smiling (always smiling)- because I'd never told Rin about that kiss with Miku, and I didn't want to.

My kiss with Miku didn't even count.

I did far worse to my imaginary Rin- my ball-jointed doll sister who had to do whatever I said even if she didn't want to- every night, anyway.

At that moment…

I think I froze.

It sounds terribly cliché- like a line that would appear in one of Miku's 'romance' novels- but I couldn't help myself.

I knew.

I knew who Rin had shared her 'first kiss' with- but I didn't want to believe it.

I couldn't believe it- until Rin told me.

Kaito.

It had been with Kaito.

That bumbling, clumsy…

B-but I couldn't hate him; not even then, as Rin smiled and said, in oh-so-knowledgeable tones, "don't worry, Len!~ I'm sure you'll experience it one day, too! You're just a late bloomer!"

I couldn't hate Shion Kaito.

I never could.

In reality, I hated myself more.

I've always…

Hated myself more.

I-it really is very hot in here, isn't it…?

Huh?

Stop biting my fingernails?

Was I…?

I didn't realise.

I do a lot of things without realising it- haha…

I'm sorry.

Oh, look.

I'm bleeding.

N-no…

I don't think I will take my sweater off, if it's all the same to you.


a/n: …;A;
This is kind of depressing to work on.
Listening to the Dresden Dolls really helps writing this depressing smush of internal thoughts, though XD
This whole fic can pretty much be surmised with the song 'Bad Habit'.

~renahhchen xoxo