Richelle Mead owns these characters.
Chapter 3:Spiders.
Now either he thinks I'm blind and stupid or he really thinks he has me fooled. Oh, Dimka, you fool. I can see through your whole facade. It's obvious who he was with, he comes back smelling like her perfume and it was the one Lord Ivashkov bought for her. Yesterday when we had dinner at Lissa's, I could smell her on him.
I'm not mad; I think if anything I'm more . . . confused? This whole situation was so off track, I didn't know what to think or to feel or say. I knew he loved her; it was obvious to me when I went to visit Christian at the academy all that time ago. I had a sense they were both in over their heads. The way she looked at him or the way he talked about her and the way they acted around each other.
Although I had to be sure, I had to go and be stubborn old Tasha. It's an Ozera thing, I guess. When I asked him the first time and offered him a family and a job, he had denied me. I knew it was for her, he said he wanted to be loyal to Lissa and I believed him but it wasn't exactly the truth. It just wasn't the whole truth.
He wanted to be loyal, sure, but I think it was more to Rose than the Princess. I could see the emotions he tried to hide around her. When the guardians would ask him about training "that troublemaker Hathaway", Dimka would become defensive and I could see he genuinely cared for her. I, of course, didn't listen to my gut; I more or less ignored the shit out of it. I was being stubborn, selfish and yes, even lying to myself to think I could have him.
Why or whatever it was that changed his mind always surprised me. It was finally my chance since they couldn't never really be together; they were risking Lissa's safety. So he had tried to find another charge but no one would let him move. They would rather had Rose reassigned then Dimka, he was a great guardian. He wouldn't stand for that though, splitting them up was not an option and so he called me.
Only it would be strictly professional, nothing else but him as my guardian and me as his charge. Except I knew I could offer him something he wanted and it was something she would never be able to give him. There goes that stubborn Ozera behavior again. And with time coming and going, I could see his longing and loneliness taking its toll.
They wrote letters and talked on the phone almost all the time. I could hear happiness in his voice and his smile would peek out when he talked to her, but I grew jealous. I wanted that too, I what I couldn't have. So I tried to forget him, let them struggle to be together while I moved on with my life. I went on dates and even had a boyfriend or two.
When he would get that longing look on his face, that look of want and I knew he was missing her, it drove me crazy. My plan to make him jealous wasn't working. He loved her and I knew what I was doing was wrong; even if I tried to convince myself I wasn't doing it. I wasn't moving on with anything if I still wanted him. I was just trying to make him jealous, trying to make him see me through the blur of Rosemarie Hathaway.
Then that night happened and I was fed up, frustrated and hurt. I shouldn't have been mad, I should've been happy for him since he found someone who made him whole. I should've let him go knowing that he was waiting for her. I took advantage of his loneliness, of him missing her and their not being able to be together. I was drunk, angry, and whatever else I was feeling that night since earlier that day they had talked on the phone.
They had an argument, which there weren't any of but it was about not being able to see each other in so long. He was trying to calm her down, I lightly heard her on the phone, and she was in tears almost as he was. They really had missed each other. "Roza, you know we're doing what we can. Tasha doesn't have all the time to go down to court; you know what it's like for her."
He soothed her just about barely containing himself. "I miss you too, Roza. I miss you so much."I drank way too much that night and he was just trying to take care of me. I misunderstood it for want. I took advantage, life wasn't fair, and this wasn't fair! And so now we have Anton.
Dimka loves him so much; he melts at just the plain sight of him, kind of like he does with her. He stayed with me though; after all I made him feel guilty about it. I made him feel like he had to stay, I told him it was for Anton's sake. I used Christian's situation to lure him in and it worked. Growing up without a father, a good father, he wouldn't stand for it. He proposed before Anton was born and even as he looked into my eyes then he was miserable.
We never touched like people in love should; we didn't even sleep in the same room. We did at first but I could see he grew uncomfortable and it was awkward for the both of us. Then we came to court, Christian wanted to meet his nephew and spend his first birthday with him. Lissa was finally able to take her rightful place on the Moroi council and I wouldn't miss it for anything. I knew she would be there and that they would finally see each other again.
Only it was too late for anything to happen between them. I felt guilty as soon as I saw her, Rose was polite and nice; she didn't look like she wanted to rip my head off . . . yet. Then they started distancing themselves from everyone and I knew why. I knew it right away. A guardian friend of mine followed them for me, he told me where they met up and how long they were there. The rest was easy to figure out and honestly, I was mad at first but then I would realize I was just in the way.
I deserved the guilt and betrayal I was feeling but I knew they were feeling it too. Rose would glance at me and I could see something off in her eyes. Dimka would often give me a look of pity and then it would wash away as quickly as it came, becoming nothing but a blank expression. When I would catch Rose staring at me as I was holding or feeding Anton, I could see the guilt pouring out of her. Anton took a liking to Rose and a few times even made her seem as though she forgot all the problems that there were.
And then I found the letter, it was in his coat pocket and fell out as he was feeding Anton this morning.
It's why he's been so mopey and why he only seems to look somewhat alive, and that's only when he's with Anton. I ran for the bathroom am now sitting here, reading this sad and painful piece of paper. I don't know how she does it. How she finds the strength to move on but I envied it. If I could be like her, strength wise, I would be okay.
I've read it three times now and each time, it makes me feel even more guilt. I didn't love him, not the way she does or she did. She was willing to walk away and let him move on, even though we all knew he would never be able to. I was just lonely, miserable and I trapped him. I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to be that person but that's what things lead to.
How could I be so selfish and conniving? This is not the person I want my son to know. This isn't what kind of woman I want to be. And so, I knew what I had to do. I had to let him go since he wasn't ever really mine to begin with. "Tasha are you okay in there?" he knocks softly.
I fold the letter and put it in my pocket, quietly standing and walking to slowly open the door. This is it, I guess, I have do the right thing. So opening the door and looking to him, he looked a mess. I took Anton from his arms and placed him on a blanket on the floor in the living room. I turn to him and speak firmly, "Dimka, we need to talk. You're not gonna like what I have to say but it has to be said. I have to make things right for everyone."
He just stared with those hollow and empty brown eyes, nodding his head for me to continue. "I don't love you."
