Chapter 3: On The Brink (Of Negotiations)
Albus Potter wasn't entirely sure what he had gotten himself into. If someone would have told him he would have been sitting in his office with a woman that looked like her daily hygiene was an after thought and agreeing to be in a relationship with her he would have asked if they were sleep deprived.
Alright, so maybe he was being dramatic. She had to have some redeeming qualities if she was Piper's sister.
Maybe.
He wasn't holding out hope.
Then again stranger things have happened in his life. For one, he was currently in his office with a brown haired woman that was covered with paint (her clothing at least). She kept annoyingly kicking her feet up on his desk, which was still piled with an endless amount of parchment, and had a smug sneer on her face as she stared at him.
She was loving this. Torturing him. She was beaming with glee. Of course why wouldn't she? This is where the fun stuff started.
The negotiations.
Albus had learned through going with this with Cecilia that he always lost in the end.
Meanwhile, his personal assistant, and her sister, was sitting glumly next to her, not bothering to say a word.
"Evidently, because of this one over here," he said, pointing to Piper, "we're supposed to be getting engaged and married. I don't know about you but I don't think marriage is in the cards for us. I'm sorry honey but it's you, not me."
Lenore laughed loudly not even bothering to come up with a retort. Disappointed, Albus removed his blue horn-rimmed spectacles and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"You'll be able to leave early so you don't have to stay for the New Year. Of course keep in mind I'm paying you for dramatics during our break-up. I of course need to come out as the good guy in the scenario."
"We wouldn't want it any other way," Piper said dully.
Albus gave her a sharp look while Lenore grinned.
He was going to add a thank Godric, for their pending break-up but didn't want to push his luck with the two sisters. The mood in the room could shift at any moment and though he was Piper's boss she didn't have any issue with putting him in his place if need be.
"Sounds fine to me," Lenore responded, placing her feet back on top of his desk for the tenth time in the last five minutes. He kept swatting them off with rolled up parchment. "I'm not looking forward to being in the company of red heads though. They're a strange lot."
He gave her a puzzled look and ran a hand through his hair, leaning back in his chair.
"Red heads? Really?" he questioned, a grin on his lips. He hadn't considered it before but then again the Weasley clan did get into some odd predicaments. Mainly his Uncle Percy due to the fact his Uncle Ron and George liked to give him a bit of hell.
"No," Lenore muttered with an eye roll. "Your family. Yes, red heads and yes your family. Merlin, I'm going to be spending my holiday with the royal family."
Before Albus could say anything, Piper cut in finally breaking her silence. A look of annoyance was clearly written on her face.
"This is going nowhere and I have other work to do. Let's remember we do actually work for the Ministry. Let's get this started because I for one would like to get home at a decent hour tonight. You two can bicker behind closed doors like an actual couple later."
Albus and Lenore shared a look and didn't say anything for another beat.
"I hear Hugo Weasley likes to dance and James dresses in drag," Lenore said quickly, ignoring Piper. "It was all over the papers."
Albus grumbled. It was in the papers about two weeks ago. The pictures were from far away and doctored. At the time he tried to imagine his cousin Hugo with his freckled face, tan skin and terrible dancing skills that tended to get them thrown out of bars before they even had a second drink in a tutu pirouetting. The thought of his older brother, James, in a dress made him shudder though he had seen it before. He couldn't say no to a dare.
He glared at Lenore with annoyance. "No, they don't."
Piper huffed at the two of them.
"Alright, alright. Piper, we'll get on to it then," Lenore said with a dramatic neck roll. "I'd like my money up front in cash and don't try to double cross me. No one will miss you."
Albus couldn't disagree. No one would miss him. Did anyone ever really care about the middle child anyway?
"Are you seriously threatening me?" he asked, scoffing. "My father is an Auror."
"And my father is a Muggle chef who knows things about grease that'll permanently make your hair fall into place," she said with a sneer.
At this Piper blubbered her lips and nodded her head in agreement. "Well, that's true.."
She wasn't blackmailing him per se. She wasn't threatening him either. In fact, Lenore might not have liked Albus but she needed the money and a job. Being his fake fiancé? It was better than dressing up as a pumpkin pasty costume trying to attract customers to come into a sweet shop.
Lenore grinned, brown eyes shining with mischief. "That's what the Prophet is going to write up again this time in extensive detail if you don't give my sister a raise."
At this Piper perked up, sitting straighter in her chair than she had all day.
Albus groaned. "Seriously?"
Next to Lenore, Piper coughed, bringing the attention to herself. "I wouldn't abhor a raise…" she mumbled, casting her eyes downward.
Albus groaned as he glared at her. "Bloody fine, if this goes off without any trouble you'll get a raise, a bonus and whatever the hell else you want. Here, have some locks of my hair and sell them to my adoring fans. Maybe they'll clone me and then I can live a normal life."
He angrily started to tug at the mess of mop dark brown hair on his head, trying to desperately pull out tufts.
"I'll get the scissors!"
"Piper!" yelled a shocked Albus, mid tug.
Piper had jumped out of her chair and pulled out her wand, ready to cut off some of his hair. She sheepishly shrugged her shoulders, blushing, as she pocketed her wand and sat back down in her seat.
"Sorry.."
Albus rolled his eyes and crossed his arms against his chest. He had half a mind to hex the two women sitting before him. As he brooded, he started to notice things about Lenore he hadn't realized before. For one, she had the attention span of a goldfish. Whenever he interacted with Piper she would pay attention for a millisecond but then get distracted by the different objects she was pulling out of her purse.
One minute she was engaged with a hand puppet and the next she was placing a blue shaggy wig on top of her head. Why she had either of those things Albus was sure he did not want to know.
Lenore was tapping her fingers now and staring stonily at her sister. Piper didn't say much. He guessed she was trying to see where Albus stood with the entire situation.
"I can't believe you're unemployed," he said absentmindedly, drumming his fingers on his desk. "That's one of the things on my list. Do not date someone that's unemployed."
"We're not actually dating," she pointed out, scratching her scalp under her wig. "Wait a second, you have a list? Do you really think you have enough redeemable qualities to have a list?"
Albus snorted. "Says the unemployed girl who looks like she was in a fight with a rubbish bin and it won."
"Oh please, I've heard worse," she said, smacking her lips together loudly. "You can do better. Try harder."
Piper smiled and patted her sister's head affectionately. "Lenny, play nice. Albus isn't all that bad. If this is going to work the two of you are going to have to get along."
"No we aren't," exclaimed Albus, jumping out of his chair. "Genius moment—"
Lenore scoffed. "He refers to himself as a genius. Someone get my pitch fork ready."
Albus ignored her and set his eyes on Piper instead. She was staring at him, waiting for a further explanation. "What if we have a really terrible break-up?" he questioned, rubbing his hands together with excitement. His eyes were shinning like he had just come up with the perfect idea. "That should give me two or three years to push my family from interfering with my love life. I could actually have a love life."
"Albus," Piper reprimanded with a tut, "they don't interfere. They worry. There's a difference."
He groaned and rubbed his temples, a migraine starting to form. "Their worrying gives me heart palpitations. Lenore can be her regular self because I don't believe she could be anyone else. I suppose you don't even censor yourself, do you?" he asked hopefully.
Lenore, who was running her hands through her blue shiny wig, shrugged.
"Depends on the mood I'm in. The weather. If I'm hungry."
"Is she always like this?" he asked Piper.
She grimaced. "For the most part."
"Good. I want you to keep it up. Don't ever turn that off. Prefect your craft even because this is your one and only gift. I'll give you all the money you want and a raise for your sister. Hell, I'll even buy you a cat."
"A cat?" Lenore asked with horror. She dropped her hands from her wig in a panic. "Do I look like I enjoy sitting with cats on a rainy day knitting tea cozies? That's insulting."
Albus paused, trying to think of something to say. He was surprised she could feel insulted with the way she looked and acted. He didn't doubt she spent her time with cats. They were probably her only friends.
"Just insult me back then. Give it all you've got. I want you to be rude to my family. Insult my brother and sister—"
Piper shook her head in meek protest. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"I'm getting bored of this conversation," Lenore said loudly.
Albus ignored them both. He leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his desk and head on his hands. "Matter of fact, insult my mum."
The sisters gasped simultaneously and gave Albus a disappointed look.
"Albus!" Piper shouted with surprise.
"Even I'm a little put off with that one. Respect your mother you ungrateful man. She gave birth to you. I feel very uncomfortable right now…"
Piper nodded in agreement and inched towards her sister, throwing her arm around her shoulders. "It shocks me too. My opinions of you are changing and not positively mind you."
Albus stared at her slack-jawed and leaned back in his chair with a scowl.
"Piper, don't you have work to get to?" he asked tightly.
Her pink lips formed into a tight line and she 'hmphed' brown eyes filled with hurt at the edge in his voice.
"But I always plan your relationships for you…I'm the expect…I know you better than you know yourself," she argued weakly.
"Your services are not needed. I think we've got everything under control. It's almost lunchtime. Be a good assistant and get me a sandwich."
Piper couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her sister scoffed, offended next to her, and mumbled curse words under her breath. Piper slowly rose from her seat and walked towards the office door with her shoulders hunched forward and head down as if she had been reprimanded.
"Oh, but of course, yes, right away Mr. Potter," she whispered to herself as she left the room.
"Hm," was all Lenore finally decided to say as Piper shuffled out of the office clearly dejected. Her brown eyes examined Albus who didn't seem to notice or care about the shift in Piper's attitude.
"I don't think you understand what you're unleashing here," she said quietly. "All jokes aside I can be pretty cruel," she admitted, lips curving into a bright sinister smile. "If you want me to insult your Mum, your Gran's cooking or the gut on your father I can do all of those things and more willingly. Have you really thought about this?"
Albus nodded without hesitation and averted his eyes from hers. He didn't like the look on Lenore's face. His stomach felt queasy as she started to mention his family. His Grandmother was the best cook he knew. Insulting her would add unnecessary fuel to the fire.
This is what he needed. Lenore was unfortunately the answer. He didn't have time to go looking for someone. To make an actual connection. By the time that happened he would be sixty. Besides, his family would have never approved of anyone he brought home. Did Albus date?
Sort of.
In secret. Rarely. Definitely not anyone worth gossiping about.
Or maybe he was the issue. Maybe he wasn't worth gossiping about or loving or maybe he just couldn't make a connection with anyone because he was so far gone.
It was like he had a permanent rain cloud above his head. He was drowning in unhappiness.
"I don't have to think about it. I just want to live a normal life. Christmas might be ruined this year because of this and there will be tears but they won't be coming from me. It's hard being me, alright?" he whispered, looking down at his hands.
He turned his head and his eyes fell on the stuffed bird in his office. Albus felt like that bird. No, the bird had it better than he did. At least the bird could go by unnoticed by others.
"From the papers with the events and functions you all go to I'm guessing it's pretty nice to be you. It sounds like you need therapy."
"It's not," he admitted with a shrug. "I have people constantly wanting my autograph but what have I done in life besides be Harry Potter's son? Nothing. I'm in the papers if I get a cold. People rummage through my trash bins. I can barely see my friends or have real and honest relationships—"
Lenore winced at the pain in his voice. If she was a bigger person she would have comforted him but she didn't know him that well and she didn't care all that much.
"I get it. Send me the abridged version of Albus Potter and His Pitiful Life. What's your plan in the end? You don't have a concrete plan and it's obvious. I can't just show up at your family's fireplace for the holidays and start spewing insults left and right." She paused to laugh at herself. "I mean…I could. Don't underestimate my abilities but if anything that's going to make me look bad and not you. Plus, I don't want to end up in Azkaban. Piper would lead a boring life without me. She does crosswords on Sundays, who does that?"
Albus didn't miss a beat even though he was trying to sort through some of the parchment on his desk and get begin his normal routine once again.
"I do. Normal people do. What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying," Lenore stretched towards his desk, placing her hands on his to abruptly stop his movements, "you need to rack up some insults yourself." His hand shook nervously underneath hers and felt warm and sweaty to her touch. "I can't be the only bad guy in this scenario. I know it's not going to be hard for you because from the way you treat my sister I can already tell—"
"I treat Piper just fine," he snapped, pushing her hand away. "I already know how to work my family. Don't you worry that little blue synthetic head of yours."
Lenore grinned at the obvious anger that was starting to flow freely out of Albus. "Tell me, have you been in an actual relationship before?"
"Of course," he whispered. His left eye twitched momentarily and he averted his eyes from her again. He was trying to focus on the words that were scribbled on the parchment in front of him.
"That eye twitch from your left eye begs to differ."
Albus pursed his lips and dropped the parchment down on the desk. He shoved his hands through his hair, making his hair appear like he hadn't run a comb through it that morning.
"What the hell are you?" he asked incredulously. "An Auror? I've been in a relationship before. I don't talk about it. Okay? It doesn't matter anyway. What matters is this, what you and I have!"
Lenore started to say something but paused and tried to change her tactic. Her voice was soft for the first time in his office and she said, "Your family is going to see right through you. What we have is a lie. We barely know each other. The insults are all superficial."
"It doesn't matter—"
"Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking," she warned.
"Sorry," he muttered sheepishly. "Look, I need you to be in this one hundred percent. If you can't handle this let me know right now because I can find someone else."
Lenore nodded and mouthed a quiet 'yes.' Though she felt a nervous ache in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't entirely sure what she had gotten herself into.
