Disclaimer: Don't own'em
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Home 3/4
Mac was a mess. She couldn't think straight after last night's kiss. It had completely thrown her. She had not expected it. She hadn't even considered that Harm would do such a thing. She couldn't figure out why he did do such a thing. She'd actually spent all morning trying to figure it out.
It had made for a lot of absentmindedness and distraction, the brunt of which had been felt by Jacob. She'd put on Jake's clothes the wrong way in the morning, mistaking his shirt for his pants. She'd put his cereal in his sippy cup, his milk in her coffee maker, and her coffee in his cereal bowl. The poor kid had been thoroughly confused, trying to suck his cereal out of the sippy cup, watching her as though she was some kind of alien, transplanted into his mother's body just to mess with him. She'd bet he'd remember this as his first moment of existential anxiety, all because she couldn't figure out what Harm was up to, why he'd kissed her.
The Harm she remembered was commitment-phobic. He ran away from meaningful relationships. He avoided getting too involved with any woman. She couldn't conceive that he would just kiss her like that, knowing how much he cared for Jacob, how he'd go out of his way for her son. He wouldn't just kiss her if he was trifling with her, he wouldn't kiss her unless it meant something, would he? She knew he hadn't felt those kinds of inclinations towards her before he left to fly. If anything, her fascination with him had been purely one-sided. So what had changed...?
She glanced at the boy who was now happily playing with various toys in the den, bringing them each to her in turn for her approval.
Jacob.
Of course. Relief flowed through her, loosened her limbs. Jacob was a boy who'd lost his father at a young age. Harm's protective reflex was probably kicking in.
Mac took a deep breath. Okay. This, she could deal with. He was just looking out for Jacob, he didn't really want anything with her. Thank goodness. She took another calming breath. Alright. She could deal with Harm's misguided chivalry, no problem. Piece of cake. She didn't know how she would have dealt with him if he'd wanted something from her, wanted something it just hurt too damn much to offer to anyone. She was weak with relief, knowing that she wouldn't have to figure it out.
All she would have to do was pretend nothing had happened last night, that it was just a friendly peck. And then she'd have to find a way to tell him she and Jacob were just fine on their own, and she didn't need him riding in on his high horse to save either of them.
Maybe she'd start with the first, and work her way up to the second.
She'd just convinced herself of the brilliance of her plan when the phone rang.
"MacKenzie." She answered, one eye following Jake's movements. Experience had taught her early on that an unsupervised Jacob was just a recipe for disaster.
"Hey, Mac."
Of course, she thought, it had to be Harm.
"Harm. Hi. What's up?" She was playing it cool, and thought she'd succeeded until she found that Jacob was watching her with a look of curious confusion, like she was being odd. She gave Jake a quick smile, which seemed to convince him that all was well; he turned his attention back to his toys.
"Mac? Are you still there?" Harm's worry-tinged voice came through the line.
"What?" She snapped herself back to the conversation. "Yeah, I'm still here. Jacob was, uh, about to knock my tea off the table."
"How's the little guy?" Harm's grin was audible at the mention of her boy.
"Perfect." She smiled at Jake, who was trying to chew on her knee, through her jeans. She ruffled his hair affectionately.
"Great." He paused, and she braced herself. "Listen, do you two have any plans today?"
She should say yes, and turn him down. She was going to, but then her eyes fell on Jacob who was trying to climb up beside her, and she knew it wouldn't be fair on her son.
"No. We don't."
"I just read an article in the paper about this petting zoo that's been set up for the next couple of weeks. It's not far from your place. I bet Jake would love the rabbits and stuff they have there. And they have funnel cakes, which I know you love."
She closed her eyes on hearing his offer, again trying to process what the hell he was thinking when he'd kissed her last night. He was so incredibly sweet with Jacob ... and with her. It only confused Mac more. She took a deep breath, hearing Jacob protests of frustration from his spot in front of her on the carpet, where he was still struggling to climb onto the couch.
"Um, okay, sure. I think he'd love that." She picked Jacob up and set him beside her. He immediately nuzzled into her side, which made Mac smile.
If Harm detected any hesitation in her voice, he didn't let it show. "Great. How about I come over in an hour, then we can head out?"
"An hour," She repeated, watching Jacob as he tried to tunnel into her. She didn't know what to do.
"Great!" She could hear Harm's excitement. "See you then, Mac."
"Bye." She really, really wished he'd never kissed her.
--
Two weeks later
Harm lay on his stomach next to Jacob, the two of them flipping through a large picture book set out on the floor.
Harm pointed to a picture of a plane in the book. "Doggie." He told Jacob.
"Oggie." Jacob repeated.
"Good boy!" Harm exclaimed, dropping a kiss on the boy's head. He then pointed to a picture of a plane.
"Pane!" Jacob exclaimed, before Harm could say anything.
"I think we have a genius on our hands," Harm informed Mac, who was sitting on the couch reading through a case file.
She shook her head, not looking up from her work. "I think you may be a bit biased."
"I think you're a genius," Harm told Jacob. He pointed to a picture of a bird, flying against a backdrop of clouds and blue sky. "What's that, buddy?"
"Pane!" Jacob said.
Mac glanced at the picture Harm was pointing at and laughed. "I rest my case."
"Birdie, Jacob. Birdie." Harm said, his finger still indicating the bird in flight.
"Uddie." Jacob chanted. "Uddie, uddie, uddie..." He thumped his hands against the book, and Harm figured he was getting restless from just staying in one spot for a whole five minutes.
Time for a change of pace.
Harm rolled onto his back, picking Jake up as he went, and tossed the boy in the air. "Is that a plane?!" He asked Jacob with exaggerated amusement. Jacob laughed gleefully.
"Is that a birdie?!" He tossed the boy up again. "What is that flying in the living room, mama?" He addressed Mac.
She laughed as well, and put aside her work to join them on the floor, resting her head next to Harm's. He took silent delight in her proximity. After promising himself to take her lead following their kiss – well, more like his kiss – he had been disappointed by her decision to completely ignore it. She hadn't even brought it up once. The only indication he had that she'd wanted to drop it was her behaviour towards him in the week following the kiss: she'd seemed unsure around him, tentative. And whenever he'd stood close to her, or made any kind of gesture, or even dropped any kind of verbal hint, she'd pulled away.
But he was a patient man. He watched Jacob as he sailed through the air above him, and knew he could wait as long as she needed.
"Is it superboy?!" Mac said, tickling Jacob lightly as Harm caught him, giggling along with her son.
Jacob squealed with delight as Harm tossed him up again, his eyes sparkling, his smile wide and carefree. He was laughing so hard, he started hiccupping.
Harm caught the toddler and sat him down on his stomach. Jacob immediately scrambled off of Harm and climbed over his mother.
"Mama!" He was shrieking with laughter, exuberantly trying to hug Mac while still clapping and bouncing, happily ignoring his hiccups. Mac sat up and wrapped her arms around him in a bear hug.
"My baby." Mac gave Jake a smacking kiss on his cheek. "You're growing up too fast."
"Mama!" Jacob kept jabbering, oblivious to the emotion in his mother's voice. He crawled off of Mac and towards the chest full of playthings in the corner of the room, venting his excitement by seeking out his toys. Mac watched Jacob walk about, and Harm watched Mac.
He wondered what he could do to convince her to let her guard down, if there was anything he could do besides wait.
She sighed, looking a bit sad. "I'll get his dinner ready," She said, moving to get up.
He sat up, and caught her wrist before she could go. She went still, her eyes flicked to his.
"Harm..."
"Just ... c'mere..." He trailed off, tugging her wrist to bring her closer. He put his arms around her, drawing her in for a hug, resting his cheek against her temple. He took a deep breath, savouring this moment, holding her tighter. "You looked like you needed this." He whispered into her hair.
He felt her hands tentatively slip across his back. He closed his eyes. "Mac—"
"Mama!"
He heard the delighted squeal before Jacob tried to jump into the fray and climb between him and Mac. Laughing, he took one arm away from Mac and slipped it around Jacob.
"Hey there, buddy. You want a hug, too?" He looked upon Jacob's smiling face, and his heart was warmed through and through. Until he caught Mac's expression. She was watching him with such uncertainty, such sadness in her eyes that his smile disappeared, replaced by an ache in his chest.
"Mac," He began.
"I'll just get dinner," She said, her voice thick, cracking. She stood up quickly and headed to the kitchen before he could say anything.
Harm looked down to find Jacob staring after his mother, a serious expression on his face.
"Hey there, buddy," Harm wrapped Jacob in a tight hug. "Don't you worry about a thing. I'm way more stubborn than your mama."
--
Two weeks later
They were sitting on the couch at Bud and Harriet's, AJ and Jacob playing together at their feet while the adults chatted away. Well, Bud, Harriet and Harm chatted away. Mac was preoccupied with thoughts of Harm and his behaviour towards her this past month. Ever since that kiss. He wasn't pushing, not exactly, but she knew what he wanted, the question that was perpetually on the tip of his tongue.
It made her so nervous.
She didn't know what to do. She hoped that if she kept ignoring it, he'd never ask the question that was on the tip of his tongue, and hopefully just forget about it all together. Then she could stop worrying.
She was just thankful it hadn't made for awkward moments – well, she amended, too many awkward moments. It was just getting so hard to spend time with him without feeling like a nervous wreck, waiting for him to do something she didn't want him to do. She just couldn't get involved with anyone, not again. And not with Jacob's wellbeing at risk. So she'd just keep pretending nothing was happening, nothing had happened, and he'd keep not asking the question she could see quietly waiting in his eyes every time he looked at her.
"I'll go check on dinner," Harriet was saying as she stood up. Mac forced her attention back to the room.
"Let me help," She offered.
"Of course not, Mac. You stay right there," Harried countered. "It should be just about ready."
Mac knew an order when she heard it, so she complied.
"Mommy," AJ said, stepping up to Harriet. "Can I have ice cream, please?"
Jacob looked up from his play at the sound of AJ's voice. He followed each of AJ's movements, watching him with clear fascination. Mac grinned. AJ was Jacob's idol.
"Not now, AJ." Harriet was stern as she headed towards the kitchen. "After dinner."
AJ turned to his dad. "Daddy? Can I have ice cream now, please?"
"Listen to your mother, AJ." Bud replied, though slightly less stern than Harriet.
"Please, daddy?" AJ persisted, probably thinking he'd found the weaker link in his father.
"Bud," Harriet interrupted. "Could you please get out the drinks?"
"Sure thing, dear." Bud stood up, and then turned to AJ with a slightly more expression. "Ice cream after dinner, AJ."
"But, daddy," AJ whined, following Bud close behind as he left the room, still pleading his case. "Daddy, please, daddy..."
Jacob kept watching AJ with rapt attention as he walked away.
"A little hero worship," Harm whispered into her ear, his eyes fixed on Jacob with amused affection.
"No kidding." She answered, smiling at her son. Jake was still watching the now empty doorway through which AJ had exited just a moment ago.
Jacob then turned and toddled over to Mac. He studied her, looking as though he was considering some crucial, life-altering question.
"Mama?" He asked, pointing at her.
"Yes, sweetheart." Mac laughed. She pointed a finger at herself, wondering what the boy was thinking. "This is mama."
Jacob then looked back to the empty doorway AJ had walked through. He frowned and turned to Harm.
"Daddy?" He pointed a finger at Harm, his dark eyes solemn.
Mac's smiled slipped away. Oh, shit. She hadn't even conceived of this happening. Jacob obviously had inherited his father's tact. Or lack thereof, to be specific.
She snuck a quick glance at Harm, who for his part looked like someone had just hit him upside the head with a two-by-four.
She quickly scooped up Jacob and set him on her lap.
"Jake, that's Uncle Harm." She looked Jacob in the eye, waiting to get his attention, and then pointed at Harm. "Harm."
Jacob frowned. He was confused. He crawled off Mac's lap and climbed onto Harm's. He pointed one tiny, chubby finger at Mac.
"Mama." He informed Harm.
Harm did his best to nod.
Jacob pointed a finger at him and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could say anything, Mac yanked Jake from Harm's lap.
"Sweetheart, I think AJ wants to play with you." She set him down on the ground, facing him towards the kitchen, "Go to the kitchen." She pointed in the direction of the kitchen and swatted his diaper-clad bum. "AJ." She repeated.
Jacob broke into a grin. "Jay!" He quickly turned and made his way to the kitchen, happily leaving behind the mess he'd stirred. Thank god for short attention spans, Mac thought.
She sighed once Jacob was out of sight. "Sorry about that. I didn't think, I mean..." She took a breath, and just then she felt the full brick wall of realization slam into her. She was overcome by the need to cry. "Oh, hell. I didn't realize he'd pick that up. I didn't think of..." She was appalled to feel a few tears trail down her cheeks.
"Mac? Hey, what's wrong?" She felt Harm shift closer to her on the couch. "Hey, it's okay, Mac. I don't mind."
And that only made her feel worse. Mac blinked back fresh tears.
"He's going to grow up without a father. I just ... I know it. I always knew it. But I didn't think ... I didn't ... How will I..." Oh, god. She buried her head in her hands, and told herself to stop crying. This was one thing she couldn't do for her baby. She thought the admiral and Bud and then Harm when he came back and seemed so willing to spend time with little Jake, she thought they'd all make up for that. But, oh god. Her poor kid.
Harm pulled her into a hug. "Hey, it's okay. Tell me what's bothering you?"
"He's going to grow up without a dad. I thought I could be enough for him, but I can't."
"Oh, Mac. That's not true. Besides I'm here for him, and for you—"
She quickly pulled away from Harm, before he could finish what he was saying, having already let him say too much. She wiped her eyes and stood up. She needed space. She needed to find a way to make him realize that he didn't really want her, that he was just doing this for Jacob. She needed to find a way to show him she didn't need him. She had to stop crying on his shoulder.
"I'm going to freshen up. I think dinner's just about ready." She turned and left without a backward glance. Harm's heavy sigh, though, echoed in her ears as she departed.
--
Monday next
Harm set a cup of coffee on Mac's desk.
"I hear Jacob wasn't well this weekend?"
"Just a slight cold, but it was enough to throw him off for a couple of days."
"I wish I could've helped out."
She looked up at him oddly, not understanding, not willing to. "You were away on assignment all of last week. Besides, I wouldn't have imposed on you like that. Jacob is my responsibility."
He frowned at her. "It would have been easier with two sets of hands. And I could've covered for you while you caught up on your sleep." He nodded towards the cup of coffee he'd just set down to prove his point.
"Well, I only have one set of hands and I've managed just fine so far." She was getting irritated. "I can take care of my kid, Harm."
"I know, Mac. I was just offering to help—"
"You don't need to do that." She insisted, more sharply this time.
"I know I don't need to." It was his turn to fight down his impatience. "But I care about you and about Jacob. Is there anything so wrong with that, that you need to bite my head off about it?"
Her phone rang before she could reply, and Harm took the opportunity to slip out of her office before they both lost their tempers. Stubborn woman. Ever since that kiss, he could feel her pushing him away.
--
Later that Day
She stepped into his office, making a point to close the hatch behind her.
"You remember Jenna?"
"Who?" He asked absently, still seemingly intent on his work. But she knew him better than that.
She made an impatient sound at his rudeness. "Jenna Harrison. The civilian lawyer we worked a case with last week."
"Oh right, her," He said noncommittally. "What about her?"
"You should ask her out."
Harm went still. He slowly lifted his head to look at her, thoroughly confused.
"I beg your pardon?"
"You should ask Jenna out. She's pretty. She's smart. She has a sense of humour ... well," She amended, knowing that was sort of a lie. Jenna looked like she permanently had a stick up her six. "Kind of. But she's single." She added to convince him.
He didn't look convinced. In fact he was looking at her like she'd just told him she was from the planet Zorgon. She pressed her point. "Okay, so she did seem a little uptight, but I'm sure it's nothing your charm couldn't fix."
"What on earth are you going on about." He cut in, making it sound like she was being silly and unreasonable.
She rolled her eyes and tried to maintain her temper. What did it mean, she wondered, that she'd mellowed down in so many ways after Jacob's birth and Mic's death, yet Harm still managed to push her buttons.
"You should ask Jenna out on a date." Mac said, her voice tight.
"Why the hell would I do that?"
"Because you have to get out!" She had not raised her voice. She had not.
"What?" He looked offended. "I have to get out?"
"Yes. Date. You are single. You've been back now for months. And you still haven't been out on a date."
"Why would I want to go out on a date!" He answered defensively.
"Because you do!" She replied, her voice most definitely raised. "You need to!"
"Why do I need to?" He wasn't quite yelling but it was close.
"Harm! You can't keep spending all your free time with Jacob! These are your prime years. You're supposed to date!"
"Mac! I can't believe this! Did I do something to give you reason to think I should spend less time with Jacob?!" He was really angry.
She stood up and jabbed a finger at him. "No, damnit!"
He stood up, facing her across the desk. "Then what the hell is the matter?"
She stared at him. Jerk. Why did he never just listen to her?
"You are infuriating!" It was the best she could come up with on such short notice. With that, she turned on her heel and jerked his door open as she left. It took a lot of effort to restrain herself from slamming it back shut.
--
Harm watched Mac leave, feeling both angry and confused.
What the hell was that? What did he do to deserve that? If anything, Jacob was crazy about him. He'd called him 'daddy'. Harm broke into an involuntary grin at the memory. That kid was amazing. Really smart for such a young age. And so full of love and life.
Harm frowned. Mac's behaviour was not what he expected, not that he knew what he'd expected. He wondered for a moment if she was being purposively obtuse about his real intent. Why the hell would he want to date when he had Mac and Jacob?
That thought gave him sudden pause. Did she really think she was protecting Jacob from getting too attached to a man who might someday have a family of his own? Harm scoffed at that. He couldn't even see his future without Mac and Jacob playing a leading role. He'd been dropping hints, for god's sake, about just that. Spending all his spare time with them, going on little family outings – hell, he'd never before knowingly set foot within a 50 mile radius of a petting zoo. He'd even tried to take Mac out without Jacob.
He wondered if she still wasn't over the trauma of Brumby's death. Maybe she was just afraid...
He made a decision.
Harm exited his office, and immediately headed to Mac's. He knocked on her doorjamb, finding her deep in a file, though by the look on her face he knew she hadn't been thinking about whatever it was she was supposed to be reading.
"Mac?"
She looked up at him warily.
"I think you're right." He said without preamble.
"About what?" Her wariness increased tenfold.
"I should date."
She let out a breath, actually looking relieved. Harm entered her office and took a seat on the chair across from her desk. He tried not to grin, but it was hard to keep a straight face.
"What are you doing Friday night?" He asked casually.
"What?" She frowned.
"Friday night. How about I take you out for dinner? A friend's been telling me I need to get out, start dating." He couldn't keep the grin off his face. "What do you say?"
"Harm." She warned, her tone brooking no room for argument. "That is not what I meant and you know it."
"Why not, Mac? I'm already crazy about you – I've been trying to get you alone for weeks now." He pointed out the obvious. She was the one who kept ignoring his overtures. "I love Jacob; he's a part of me."
She looked like she was about to either yell at him or run out of her office, so he tried to sweeten the deal, "I'm a decent cook, I can be considerate, I clean up after myself, and I'm really quite good in bed."
Her jaw dropped. She quickly shut it, and shook her head. He could see she was blushing though, and took satisfaction in that.
"I can't, Harm."
It felt like she'd dropped a truckful of rocks onto his chest. "Why not?"
"I'm not going to do that to Jake."
"Do what?"
"Bring men into his life like that; have him get attached when they might just leave."
"Mac..."
"No, Harm." Her tone was hard. She turned her attention to the file in front of her.
"Is it Jake you're worried about," He treaded carefully, "Or yourself?"
She was pointedly ignoring him, but his words had her gripping her pen more tightly, clenching her jaw.
"I would never," He stated emphatically, leaning forward to make his point. "I would never, ever do anything to hurt Jacob, and you know it."
She deflated. "I know," She whispered, still blankly staring at the file in front of her. "You're good for him."
"Why can't you believe I'd do the same for you?" He slid to the edge of his chair, leaning towards her, trying to see her face. "I can be good for you, too."
She was looking anywhere but at him.
"If it doesn't work out, Jake will lose you." Her voice was softened by insecurity, by worry.
"Neither of you will lose me, I promise you that." He also knew it would work out between them. She and Jake meant too much for it to be otherwise. And his heart never felt as full as it did when he was around her.
"Think about it, Mac." He offered, figuring if he gave her time to process, it might increase his chances of her agreeing.
She looked so uncertain.
"Think about it." He repeated, and stood up from his seat. "In the meantime, I'll be by your place at 1730 this evening."
"What?" Her head shot up in alarm. "What for?"
"It's Monday pasketti night for Jake, remember?" He grinned. "I'm making him his favourite." He threw her a wink over his shoulder as he headed back to his office, not giving her a chance to respond.
--
That night
Harm finished cleaning up the kitchen while Mac tucked Jacob into bed. He swallowed his anxiety, thinking of her behaviour over dinner. He could sense that she was building up the nerve to bite the bullet and tell him to go take a hike. He was sorely tempted to sneak out before she finished putting Jacob to sleep, just to avoid the impending conversation. Maybe he could take a page out of her book and just ignore her intentions.
"Harm."
He turned at the sound of her voice. She was standing in the doorway, looking like this was the last place she wanted to be, and this the last thing she wanted to do.
And now it was too late to just sneak out.
"How about some tea?" He asked quickly, to buy time. "I make a mean oolong." He tried to smile.
"I, um, I think we should talk." She persisted, still not sounding too sure of herself.
"Why don't you go have a seat," He busied himself with the kettle, picked it up then set it back down, not really paying attention. "I won't even be five minutes," He opened her cupboards, no longer able to even remember where she kept her mugs, "I'll just wait for the water to boil, steep the tea, and—"
"Harm." She put her hand on his forearm, her voice more insistent this time. He stilled, took a deep breath, bowed his head. He didn't want to hear this.
"Yeah." Another deep breath. Here it comes.
"Let's go sit," She tugged at his sleeve to lead him towards the den, and the gesture made his heart hurt. He watched her as she walked in front of him, telling himself that he would always be her friend, would be to Jacob whatever the kid wanted him to be. Wishing he could be to them both everything he wanted to be.
She sat down, and he took the seat beside her. She was clasping and unclasping her hands nervously in her lap. Interminable seconds later, she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.
"You are my best friend, Harm."
And here it comes, he thought. I like you, but I don't 'like' like you. Thanks, but no thanks.
He couldn't sit here and listen to this.
"You're my best friend too, Sarah." He placed his hand on top of her fidgety ones.
Her eyes fell to their joined hands. She swallowed heavily. "Harm I can't—"
"Wait." He interrupted her abruptly. He really couldn't sit here and listen to this. He just couldn't do it. "Wait, don't say it. I don't know if I can sit here and watch you choose to be miserable. You mean too much to me, Jake means too much to me."
"Leave him out of this," She warned, her tone suddenly hard.
"I can make you happy," He ignored her comment, seeing it for the diversion it was. "If you just give me a chance." He tightened his hold on her hands. "Give yourself a chance."
He swore he could see her shrink right in front of him. "I can't, Harm. It just hurts too much. I don't know if I can."
"You need to let go, Mac." He said gently. "It's time. Mic wouldn't want you to miserable. Jacob doesn't want you to be miserable. I don't want you to be miserable."
She watched him through solemn eyes, sadness and uncertainty slowly weaving around her.
"You're not just doing this to give Jake a father, are you?"
He shook his head, picked up her hand and set it against his heart, tried to find the words to tell her. "No, Mac. I ... I'm not home unless I'm with you."
"Oh, Harm." He heard her sniff, and opened his eyes to find tears silently trailing down her cheeks. "I'm lost without you," She whispered.
"Mac." He breathed, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly. He didn't let himself hesitate, kissed her with everything he'd felt these past few months, everything he'd held back the years before that. She held him as tightly, kissed him just as fully, as completely.
He pulled back, rested his forehead against hers. "Sarah." He dipped in for another kiss, unable to put the emotions washing over him into words. He didn't think happiness or relief or elation or any word he could think that captured this moment. So he just stopped thinking in favour of living in this one moment, holding her close, breathing in her scent, tasting her warmth. The restlessness that had followed him most of his life slowly abated, all the noise muted—
"Mama!" Jacob's loud cry suddenly drifted into the room, and Harm couldn't stop his laughter. Well, almost all the noise was muted.
