Hello all!!

Here's chapter 3. I'm thinking maybe a few more chapters and this fic will be complete. But, who knows?? That all could change.

Hope y'all enjoy!!

Chapter 3

To the untrained eye, Commander Shepard was a ruthless, heartless, and therefore incredibly effective and well-trained soldier. To everybody she was a hero, someone who did whatever it took to achieve their goals and to succeed in their mission. She was a paragon of the entire human race, and a renegade to the entire galaxy. She established humans as a force among the more ancient and advanced alien species. She never flinched, even when being forced to take a human life. She bore her burdens with strength and grace, never showing the turmoil of emotions that raged within.

But Kaidan Alenko knew better.

It was true that she was talented and brave, incredibly intelligent, and also quite beautiful. She was the first human Spectre, but, after all, she was still human. He had noticed the way her eyes were downcast when she thought nobody would notice, and he had noticed the way her shoulders slumped after a long day on the job. He had noticed the way her eyes were always red and swollen the day after she had been forced to kill yet another innocent civilian.

He knew that Ashley's death had hit her particularly hard. He himself was having trouble coping, and he didn't have to deal with the rumors and accusations that were floating around, the most vicious of which claiming that Shepard might as well have pulled the trigger herself. He wanted to help her, but all he could do was simply stand by and perform the duties of a loyal Lieutenant. There were certain conducts that couldn't be breached within the military setting, as much as he wished they could be.

Kaidan's thoughts where a whirling storm as violent as his own work out. He punched the unfortunate punching bag with more vigor than usual, grateful (not for the first time) that the Normandy had been equipped with a small gym for the inhabitants to work off some steam. The only downside to this gym was the slightly cramped space, and the obnoxious rap music that supposedly helped "energize" people who worked out.

Kaidan sighed. He despised rap.

Kaidan heard the familiar whoosh as the door opened, held for a few moments, and then closed as somebody entered the small gym. Kaidan turned, his eyes landing on the notorious Commander Shepard herself.

"Shepard," he greeted her, "it's good to see you."

Shepard nodded, acknowledging his greeting. "I wanted to burn off some steam. I didn't know you were a fan of late night workouts."

Kaidan shrugged. "I go whenever the mood strikes. Sometimes the mood strikes at odd hours."

Shepard motioned towards the slightly dilapidated punching bag. "You mind if I go a round?"

"Go right ahead, ma'am," Kaidan moved to stand behind the punching bag, bracing it for the Commander.

Shepard stood in front of the bright red bag, sizing it up with her eyes, rolling her neck a couple of times as she prepared to assault the helpless object.

She put up her fists, ready to take it down.

"Um, Commander? Don't you want the gloves too? It's pretty rough on your knuckles if you don't use them." Kaidan noted.

The Commander responded with a vicious punch to the bag. It felt good to feel her own skin hitting the bag, instead of cushioned through a glove. It might mean that her knuckles were calloused and her hands were rough, but it made her stronger.

"I appreciate the concern, but I prefer it this way." Shepard noted.

Shepard delivered blow after blow, relishing the feeling of power flowing through her veins. The adrenaline pumped through her, her heart raced, and she felt so alive. It was like running through a battlefield, fighting for your life, knowing that any second could mean survival or total annihilation…

Shepard's right fist faltered for just a moment as she thought of all who would never feel this way again, those who would never feel the blessed rush of being alive. All because of her. All because of her stupid choices…

She punched even harder.

Kaidan noticed the change in her countenance as her thoughts began to wander. He had seen that look before- the haunted look that seemed to follow her everywhere, the ghosts that refused to just leave her.

"How are you holding up, Shepard?" Kaidan asked cautiously.

"Fine," She answered bitterly as she swung once again. Kaidan stumbled a little from the impact, but still held the punching bag with good resistance.

"That sure was a hard swing for someone who is 'fine,' Commander." Kaidan noted, still using caution.

"They all swung hard. They were all fighters. They were strong, maybe even stronger than I was!" The Commander nailed the bag with her hardest hit yet.

"Those colonists defended their home to the last man, and now none of them are left!"

PUNCH! Kaidan's footing almost gave way.

"Wrex was passionate and a fighter to the very end, and loyal to us, and how was he repaid?"

BAM! BAM!

"And Ashley… Ashley… God…"

Kaidan could see the tears forming in her eyes. Still she swung, desperate to release whatever emotions had been pent up for so long.

"All of them were fighers, all of them fought to the very end! But what good did it do them? All of them were wiped out, all of them are gone. I should have been better, I should have… I could have done better. Why didn't… Why couldn't I save them?"

Kaidan saw a flash of red, and in an instant realized that Shepard had pounded through the skin of her knuckles. His eyes widened in shock.

"Commander, you're bleeding! Stop!"

"Why should I? They didn't stop, not even when they were barely alive! Even with bullet wounds and broken legs and scarred faces, they didn't stop! They kept going, they knew the pain meant that they were still alive, and they'll never have that again! And who took that life from them?"

Kaidan stepped from behind the punching bag, using his forearms to defend himself against Shepard's lethal swings. He dropped his defense, however, and took a punch to the gut, using his arms instead to pull the now sobbing Shepard into his embrace.

"It's okay, Shep- it's okay, Jane. You did all that you could have done."

Shepard clung to him like a dying man at sea clings to a lifeboat. Stinging hot tears flowed down her face, soaking the black shirt that Kaidan was wearing. Her sobs came in great heaving breaths, and she had to take great gasps to breathe. It was so hard keeping all of her emotions inside all the time, it was so hard bearing this burden all by herself for so long.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here for you, and I always will be." Kaidan whispered gently into her ear, stroking her hair and holding her closer than she'd ever been held in her entire life.

Finally Shepard got a grasp on her emotions again, her tears beginning to slow and her shuddering sobs dulling to small, quiet gasps. She took several deep breaths, calming her nerves.

"I couldn't let you die that day, Kaidan." Shepard began, her voice unsteady and unsure.

Kaidan looked down at her. "What do you mean?"

"I say that it's because you were the better soldier, but truly… Kaidan, I can't live without you. I couldn't let you die that day, no matter what the cost. No matter what…"

Kaidan held her even closer, he never wanted to let her go.

"I would have done the same for you, Jane. If faced with the choice… You are my Commander, my trusted friend, my life, my everything."

Shepard held him even closer, grateful for someone who would support her and care for her no matter what the future held. "It was the only choice I could make. It was the right choice, so why does it hurt like this? When will the hurting stop?"

Kaidan breathed deeply, stroking her hair and wishing with all his might that he had the power to send away the demons that plagued her at night. One day, however, the skies would clear and the demons would find someone else to haunt. Shepard was a strong woman, and he had every belief that she could get through everything.

"Only time will tell, Jane. Only time will tell."