Looking In

Ave Maria
1st year, April

Arisu ran.

She ran from the room. She ran from the floor. She ran out the door and fled the building. She ran down the path to leave Lillian forever, past Maria-sama who had at best abandoned her and at worst turned against her.

Just like God.

Just like Kanina-sama.

Why did she bring her teacher? Why did she have to bring an official into it?

However foolish she might be, Arisu wasn't dumb. Although she hadn't provided a family name, she knew they'd discover she was an imposter. If there was by some miracle an Arisu who transferred in this year, she'd be a different…and far more lucky given her God-given femininity…person. The campus would be on alert now. Her refuge, her hopes and dreams, were now finished. Now there was nothing standing between her and puberty…and no doubt her death in one way or another.

I can't be Kintarou. Not only am I a joke playing that part, living that life, but I don't want it. Soon my body will betray me; scar me irrevocably as someone I'm not. No more will I be able to get away even for a few brief moments of serenity. I can't live like that.

Arisu knew Japan had the highest suicide rate in the western world, something usually attributed to the stress of a test-based advancement system.

I wonder what they'll attribute mine to?

Arisu realized she'd reached the gate and was now leaning against the adjacent wall with the top of her head, face looking down at the ground, tears watering the ever green ivy.

Why did I trust her? I knew it was a trap, and I gladly walked into it. Somehow I thought Kanina-sama would be different. I wanted her to be different. She felt a little like Yasuna. Strange, since she looks nothing like my sister. Still, she seemed to care. I thought she did.

Arisu reviewed the events back in her head. She had been unable to resist the urge to play, if just this once, in the music room of Lillian. To feel for a brief moment like she really belonged here. That she was on the inside, rather then just peering in. When Kanina-sama joined in the Ave, shared her miraculous crystal soprano, Arisu moved past surprise quickly and into bliss. She could pretend for this precious moment that she was Kanina-sama's kohai playing respectful accompaniment. Nothing unusual. Perfectly normal and routine…just like any other Saturday afternoon.

But I'm not routine or normal. I never will be. I'm a freak who has no place anywhere.

Arisu's balled her hand and pounded the wall in frustration. "Baka, baka, baka!" she cried, heedless of whether anyone saw her. It didn't matter anymore. She could never come back now.

Assaulting the wall helped her feel better, although she knew it wasn't a good idea to treat her right hand like that. She didn't exactly care at the moment. She realized she was a mess and reached for her purse to grab her handkerchief.

My purse?

Arisu spun around to check her surroundings. Nothing was on the ground about her. Surprisingly, no one was around either, despite her display of hysterics. If that was a display of Maria-sama's providence, it was too little, too late. Still, it made it easier for her to backtrack in an attempt to find where the precious container had been dropped.

I left my Hanadera ID at home when I changed, but it has my registered bus pass and my cell phone. Doubtless if it's found they'll be able to trace it to me and then Heaven only knows what will happen. Humiliation at the very least, some kind of reprimand through Hanadera at worst I suppose.

That last truly did frighten her. The idea that Kashiwagi-senpai or Yuuki-kun would find out, or even worse be part of rebuking her made her stomach ache.

Kashiwagi-senpai has taken responsibility for me along with Yuuki-kun. We're his formal aides. It would doubtless fall to him.

The thought of losing the support and affection of the two men at Hanadera who actually mattered to Arisu focused her determination to find her purse.

Where did I last see it?

As she walked past Maria-sama on the path (Please help me, Maria-sama!), she again played back recent events.

I had it when I was holding Kanina-sama's arm when I walked into Lillian from here. I had it when I entered the music room and saw the harp. I had it when I looked back to watch Kanina-sama leave. I put it down so I could play the piano.

The piano!

Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn! I left it at the piano. It's sitting as far inside Lillian as humanly possible with the two women who watched me flee and have every reason to be curious as to why. There's no doubt they'll see it, if just as they clean the room up and close the keyboard fall. With the phone and the bus pass, it'll be child's play to find me, especially with Lillian's resources.

I have to go back. I have to beg forgiveness and promise I'll never do it again. If Hanadera finds out, I truly am dead. I'll have no where else to go. Grandfather will kill me assuming I don't perform the honors first. And I'll lose whatever little respect I have of the only two men in my life I really care about.

Arisu found herself standing in front of Lillian, at the entrance she had entered less than an hour before with Kanina-sama. The circumstances now were much different. Then she had been filled with naïve…no foolish…hope. Now she was empty, feeling only despair and the simple desire to cut her losses.

Here goes.

She walked in the doors and backtracked her way to the music room. She mused she could be following her tears like breadcrumbs, although they had since dried of course. She walked along silently, hoping beyond hope that perhaps Fujisawa-sama and Kanina-sama had left the room without noting her purse, allowing her to snatch it and run.

If that happens, I could stay away for several months, let things simmer down, and maybe slowly work my way back.

Assuming I haven't sprouted 6 inches and grown an Adam's Apple to size of a grapefruit.

She'd watched classmates do that over that short a time.

Thoughts not helping, Arisu!

After several minutes of slowly making her way, listening carefully, she found herself looking down the hallway which ended in the music room. The door was closed, which told her nothing other than that someone had closed it after she had fled. She walked up to the door and listened carefully. Nothing.

Deep breath.

She opened the door and quickly saw Fujisawa-sensei and Kanina-sama sitting side by side in chairs before the piano. Sitting on Fujisawa's lap was Arisu's purse. Kanina-sama's hands, which had been in her lap, lifted to display her bus pass and cell phone.

"Please Arisu-san, don't run," Kanina-sama said gently, her face, rather than smiling, demonstrating clear concern. Wary of another trap, but realizing she had no choice, she entered the room and closed the door behind her.

"Where would I run to? You have my purse," Arisu admitted, face impassive, teeth clenched in anxiety and frustration after she spoke.

"Yes, we do," Fujisawa-sensei continued. "A bus pass with a Hanadera validation sticker on it and a phone that includes the Student Body President of Hanadera's name in the contact book." Arisu's face showed her surprise that it'd been so easy to find her out. "I occasionally assist with strings at Hanadera Senior High as a courtesy, and Saito-san at Hanadera teaches brass here. Kashiwagi-san is a fine violinist. Nothing close to your caliber, however."

Arisu took yet another deep breath and made her way to stand before the two women.

"I beg you to return my things to me and allow me to leave. You have my word that I will never return and will never mention any of these events unto my dying day."

Kanina-sama's expression turned grave as Arisu finished that statement and she placed a hand on her teacher's thigh to prevent her from responding. "And how soon will that be, Arisu-san? This isn't just a little cross dressing expedition for you, is it? I'm told I have an otherwordly sense of truth…and of peoples' hearts. I don't know whether that's true or not, but when you gave me your name I was certain you were telling no lie. For you, Arisu is your real name, isn't it? What you are right now is the real you?"

Arisu simply nodded, remarkably dry-eyed. The tears has all flowed already and none remained to shed.

"I see," Kanina-sama said softly.

Kanina-sama moved her hand to collect Arisu's purse from Fujisawa's lap, although her face never left Arisu's. She then placed the phone and bus pass in the purse, got up, and stood before Arisu. Arisu looked up at the tall girl and the two regarded each other eye to eye.

"Please stay. I know the beauty of the heart and soul. The beauty that shines through in the music one performs. By my measure, you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. It would be a terrible tragedy if we never made music again together." With that, Kanina-sama proffered the purse to Arisu, which she accepted. Neither girl looked away for an instant during the exchange. Arisu stood mesmerized, falling into a new world that was Kanina-sama's gaze. Time seemed to stand still as the two measured the other and bared their souls in that connection of eyes. They simply stood there, both afraid that to move would break the spell.

Arisu felt a touch on her shoulder, a gentle touch but still one which jarred her back to reality. She and Kanina-sama both blinked together as they acknowledged the third person still in the room. "I'm sorry to interrupt you two, but I wasn't sure how long you'd be standing there if I didn't take charge. Is anyone interested in making some music? I have absolutely nowhere I'd rather be than in this room with the two of you. I'm dying to get a better sense of Arisu's repertoire."

Shizuka looked thoughtfully at Alice. "I think Arisu-san has had a very full day and I am concerned about her pushing herself. Perhaps it would be best if we arranged some other time?"

Kanina-sama's response was initially unexpected to both Fujisawa and Arisu, but Fujisawa quickly detected the likely source. Acting like the oneesama protecting your petite soeur already, are we? She smiled without sharing her true thoughts, saying instead, "Perhaps you're right."

Arisu shook her head. "I can't argue that I'm not tired, but I would play for you both all night right now if you wanted me to. I…don't want this to end either."

Arisu's expression clearly indicated her veracity about this to Fujisawa, but clearly even more was being conveyed between the two younger girls given their eyes were locked again. Okay you two, we either play or go home.

"I, too, don't want to delay this for fear something might prevent us continuing like this. I have no plans tomorrow and my house is available," Fujisawa offered. "I don't have a harp, Arisu-san, but I have a grand piano and plenty of strings and woodwinds."

"I am singing at Mass tomorrow, but perhaps afterwards. Say 1pm, after lunch at Fujisawa-sensei's home?" Kanina-sama looked thoughtful a moment and then added, "Arisu-san, I'm completely unfamiliar with your schedule and level of freedom, but I would be honored if you'd join me for Mass. I'll sit with you if that would make you less uncomfortable in a Christian service."

Fujisawa bit her lip again, weighing whether she should interject caution, put on the brakes. She dismissed the idea, but still felt some apprehension at just how fast Shizuka was moving things. Oh Shizuka, do you realize what's happening to you?

Arisu looked unsure how to respond, but Kanina-sama's look reassured her. "I would like that, Kanina-sama. Despite my attendance at Hanadera, my mother is Christian and I am not unfamiliar with a Catholic Mass. I've been baptized, but I'd rather not share under what given name. It's humiliating. If it would be more convenient, I'd be quite satisfied to sit in the congregation and allow you to proceed as you normally do."

"No, Arisu-san, I'd like to share it with you. I'd like to know where you are when I sing." She smiled at Arisu and Arisu's face lit up in happiness at the gesture.

"Then I shall be happy to sit with you. Which service?

"8am at St Mary's Cathedral," Kanina-sama replied.

"St Mary's!"

Fujisawa chuckled and responded before Shizuka could answer. "This isn't unusual for Shizuka-chan. She sings at worship there at least once a quarter. I believe she is requested even more often, isn't that right my student."

Shizuka had the grace to blush. "You make me sound arrogant or conceited, Aika-senpai. I just want to make sure they share opportunities with all deserving vocalists. Time at St Mary's is precious. It's a unique venue, as you well know."

"I certainly do."

Fujisawa waited for Shizuka to call it a night, but she seemed in no hurry despite her stated desire to protect Arisa from overexertion. Time to take charge again. "It's getting late as you say. Shall we leave together? I just need a second in the teacher's lounge to finish up something and we can head for the gate."

"Kanina-sama, what are you singing and will you have accompaniment tomorrow?" Arisu asked as they began to prepare the room for a weekend of disuse.

"The Bach/Gounod arrangement of Ave Maria, with a harp as accompaniment. I'm personally getting sick of it, but it's often requested. I end up doing it at least once a year simply to make people happy. Still, it makes me feel like I'm working in a wedding chapel." Kanina-sama was scowling as she said this.

"Shall we practice from the top, just once? A practice warm up?" Arisu offered eagerly.

If she was actually that lost puppy we were discussing earlier, she'd be wagging her tail at the prospect right now, Fujisawa mused. Shizuka doesn't need it in the least, and anyway we were practicing it earlier which is why the Bach music was out in the first place. Still, it'll be interesting to see what Shizuka says.

Kanina-sama regarding the eager girl and smiled. "Okay, just once through unless I demonstrate a need to practice any part in particular."

Arisu grinned in pleasure and positioned herself at the instrument.

Not surprisingly, the run through was as seamless and flawless as the impromptu event earlier in the afternoon. It was obvious to all present that Kanina-sama could do the piece in her sleep, a capella if necessary. Still, she seemed greatly pleased afterwards as she helped Arisu with the harp cover.

With all three working at it, the room was quickly restored to order. Kanina-sama turned the lights out as they departed. As Kanina-sama and Arisu stood outside the teacher's office, Arisu became aware of the jet-haired girl looking her over. Arisu suddenly felt self conscious.

"You really do look a mess, Arisu-san," Kanina-sama said, although the harsh assessment was more than offset by her amused grin. Arisu looked down and saw she certainly had wrinkled her uniform, and from her angle her collar ribbon looked lopsided. Arisu did her best to smooth the uniform dress, but struggled with the ribbon.

She was surprised when Kanina-sama reached in to handle it herself. The sense of the older girl's touch, the feeling of being cared for and protected, was intoxicating to Arisu. Outside of her mother and familial sister, she'd never experienced another human being taking this level of interest in her appearance and well-being. It was both exciting and frightening at the same time.

Kanina-sama took a while to get it just right, and only stopped her efforts when Fujisawa-sensei came back out. The older woman grew a weird smile when she took the sight in, but said nothing, simply handing Arisu a slip of paper with her address and motioning the two girls in student uniforms along.

As they passed Maria-sama, Arisu took particular care to stand and give her respects.

I'm sorry for doubting you, Holy Mother. Both times I cried for your help, you came through. Forgive my foolishness.

She finished and looked around to see Kanina-sama standing next to her, hands still clasped before her but her face regarding Arisu. Fujisawa-sama, who Arisu was pretty sure wasn't Christian and as a teacher was not expected to show respects they didn't feel in their heart, was leaning against a tree in the direction of the exit, regarding her students. Students as in plural? I'm thinking it really might be possible. I'm going to her home tomorrow, so it can't be too foolish to hope.

Looking back into Kanina-sama's face, Arisu couldn't help but feel the immediate future, at least, showed promise and was worth embracing.

We'll take each day as it comes.

That was all Arisu could hope for now, and for now she was content.


***Author's Note***

Nothing to Google this time. The Ave Maria we're discussing is the same that Rosa Canina performs for Shimako on Season 1/Episode 13, so feel free to listen again there. I envision the Bach/Gounod arrangement, only with a harp rather than the typical piano that kicks on the DVD in as they shuffle through the various experiences of the characters on the date afternoon. Anything you hear on YouTube using the harp, at least that I can find easily, is not worth the effort. Few instruments vary so much between amateur and professional as the harp, at least IMHO.