Intro: Forman kitchen. Kitty and Donna are standing behind the counter. Red walks through the sliding glass door with Carmine & Bob.
Donna: (hugs Bob) Oh Dad! Are you OK?
Bob: Yeah. A little ashamed, but I'll live.
Carmine: What are you ashamed of? Those chicks were really into us!
Donna: (addressing Carmine) I can't believe you! It's bad enough that you went to jail for all of that crap you did in the past, but it's another to get my father mixed up into it!
Bob: Donna (pause)
Donna: (interrupting him) Butt out, Dad! No, you know what? Uncle Carmine? I think it's best if you left. Nobody appreciates your presence around here anyway.
Bob: (angry) Donna! You take that back right now!
Donna: No Dad. I'm sorry. He needs to go.
(Donna runs out through the sliding door to her house)
(Long silence)
Kitty: So, who wants some chocolate chip cookies?
Red: I know I do!
Bob: (ignoring Red & Kitty) I'm sorry about that Carmine. I don't know what's gotten into Donna.
Carmine: You know Bob, maybe she's right. Maybe it's better if I just go.
Bob: What?
Kitty: You know, some nice cold milk would be great with those cookies.
Red: Yum!
(Carmine leaves and heads next store. Bob looks dejected)
Kitty: Oh Bob, I'm so sorry.
Bob: I think I'll take those cookies now Kitty. (starts sobbing)
Red: Oh crap. Why must he always cry in my house!
Opening credits start.
Act I:
Scene 1: Water Tower. Donna is sitting up there with Jackie. Donna's head is resting on the bar while Jackie is rambling on about her hair.
Jackie: So, when I left the salon, I told the stylist, "My hair even looks great when it's up!" She couldn't believe it! And then I told her, "You can take pictures of me for your catalogue if you want." But, then I said that she would have to pay me a lot first. (long pause) Donna?
Donna: (off in a daze) Yeah?
Jackie: This is usually the part of the story where you tell me to shut up and then I say, "You're just jealous."
Donna: Huh? Oh sorry. I guess my mind is somewhere else right now.
Jackie: Still thinking of your Dad and Uncle huh?
Donna: Yeah. I mean, when did I become the parent and my Dad become the dumbass?
Jackie: Well, in all fairness, you're Dad never seemed that smart to me.
Donna: He should know better than to listen to my Uncle. Even when I was little, my Dad would do anything for Uncle Carmine. And how does he repay my Dad? By getting him arrested!
Jackie: But at least your Dad didn't go down the same path as your Uncle. He was lucky to have you there helping him. Nobody wants to be a parent to their parents. But sometimes, we just know best. I know I always know what's best.
Donna: Thanks Jackie for understanding.
Jackie: No problem. Like even now, I know that those pants you are wearing totally clash with that sweater.
Donna: I get it Jackie.
Jackie: And those shoes are so hideous that they just won't go with anything!
Donna: (yelling) Alright, I get it!
(They both smile at each other)
Donna: (hugs Jackie) Thanks. You're a good friend.
Jackie: OK, so let's go to the mall and buy me something pretty!
(Donna rolls her eyes and they both start heading down the ladder).
Scene 2: Forman Basement. Samantha is on the couch painting her nails and Hyde comes out from his room.
Sam: Oh hey sweetie. Could you get me my Cosmo magazine off the table?
Hyde: Excuse me?
Sam: That Cosmo there. (pointing) Could you grab it for me?
Hyde: What am I, your slave?
Sam: Uh, no. I just thought you could reach it for me since my nails are wet.
Hyde: You must be joking.
Sam: I don't think I am? (looking up to the ceiling with a ditzy expression) Am I?
Hyde: Oh lord. I gotta get out of here.
Sam: Hyde? Where are you going?
Hyde: Somewhere else.
(Sam looks confused as she watches him leave).
Grooves Record store: The guys are sitting in the circle with Leo.
Hyde: Man, I can't stand this whole marriage thing. It's really starting to get to me, you know?
Kelso: Yeah, you don't seem the same man. (Gets goofy look on his face) I know what might help! If I did it with your wife! Yeah, that would make you feel better!
Fez: Actually, I think Hyde would prefer if Sam did it with me. Let's face it, we all know I'm not good in the bedroom anyway so it wouldn't really matter. It would be like it never happened. (pause) But, it actually did happen. (Gets a big grin on his face).
Leo: You know, marriage is complicated man. Look at me for example. My wife drives me so insane that I don't even go home anymore, man. Well, it's also because I don't remember where I live. (pause) Do you guys remember where I live?
Hyde: It's not that. It's just I never pictured myself married, you know? I mean, maybe I did once. But that doesn't count. I was really drunk.
Leo: You mean loud girl right?
Fez: No, he means Jackie you crazy hippie. (pause) (confused look) That is who you meant, right?
Kelso: Hyde, you know what might make you feel better? If I did it with Jackie!
(Hyde punches Kelso in the arm)
Kelso: (laughing) Ow, man. I'm just trying to help.
Hyde: Alright, you guys are boring me now. I think I'm going to go get something to eat. Later. (He leaves)
Fez: Poor Hyde. He's in love with Jackie but married to a whore.
Kelso: He's married to your Mom?
(Fez punches him in the other arm).
Kelso: Ow, man! What's with all of the hitting?
Leo: Man, you guys are a violent bunch. Seriously though, do you guys remember where I live?
Act II:
Scene 3: Pinciotti house. Carmine is in the spare bedroom packing his suitcase. Donna knocks on the door and comes in.
Donna: Uncle Carmine?
Carmine: Yes Donna. Come in. Come in. Here, sit down. (Moves some clothes off of the bed).
Donna: No, that's ok. Listen, I want to apologize for how I spoke to you earlier. I didn't mean what I said.
Carmine: Yes you did. But, that's ok. I completely understand.
Donna: You do?
Carmine: Yes. Look, I know I'm not the best brother to your Dad. He was always there for me when I needed him. And I needed him a lot. I guess I always took that for granted, you know?
Donna: Yeah.
Carmine: All my life I have been jealous of Bob.
Donna: Really?
Carmine: Sure? When we were kids, he would serenade all of the girls and tell the funniest jokes. (Shaking his head and laughing)
Donna: My dad?
Carmine: Oh yeah. He had a real way with the ladies.
Donna: Bob Pinciotti?
Carmine: Yeah. Look the point is, he was always the good guy. He had a great life and job. And most importantly, he had you. You know, my son won't even speak to me anymore?
Donna: Cousin Tommy?
Carmine: Yeah. He just kind of gave up on me. It's just as well. His mother has always done right by him.
Donna: Uncle Carmine, I had no idea.
Carmine: I know. It's OK. I've learned to accept it. So don't be so hard on your Dad. He's just being the good guy he has always been.
Donna: You're right. Thanks Uncle Carmine.
(They hug).
Carmine: Oh, you're going to make me cry.
(They both start crying. Bob walks in).
Bob: Oh geez.
Donna: Dad, I'm so sorry.
Bob: Oh geez. (They all hug and begin crying).
(Red walks in).
Red: (not seeing them at first) Hey Bob. I just wanted to come by and see if you were (seeing them all crying). Oh crap! Why are you Italians always crying!
Scene 4: Forman Driveway. Carmine, Bob, Kitty & Red are saying goodbye to Carmine. He's holding a suitcase.
Carmine: Well thanks for letting me stay here Bob.
Bob: Oh geez. (Looks like he's going to cry)
Red: No crying Bob. You've been warned.
Kitty: Well, here. I made you some sandwiches for the road. (Hands him a brown bag)
Carmine: Thanks. You're a real sweet lady. Not used to that. My wife was more like "Get the hell out of here you stupidass!"
(He starts laughing along with Red).
Red: I like her already.
Donna: So, where are you going to go?
Carmine: Well, I'm going to stay at a hotel in Madison until I find an apartment. I'll call you guys once I get settled.
Bob: I'm going to miss you Sticky.
Carmine: I'll miss you too Bob. See you all!
Everyone: Bye!
Bob: Man, I miss him already.
Red: He hasn't even opened his car door yet, Bob.
Bob: It still hurts Red.
Kitty: Well, I just hope I made him enough sandwiches. He's not a small man you know.
(Kelso runs up to everyone in his cop uniform).
Kelso: Hey, where's you Uncle going? I was going to use my flare gun on him.
Donna: Kelso! Put that away before somebody gets hurt.
Kelso: Relax Donna, it's not even loaded.
(He points it up to the sky and a flare shoots out. Everyone runs for cover).
Kelso: AHHHHHHHHHHH! Run!
Fade out.
Tag: Kelso is putting out a fire on Red's lawn with a fire extinguisher. Red's pointing the flare gun at him.
Kelso: Uh, do you mind not pointing that at me? I think it's loaded.
Red: I know. That's WHY I'm pointing it at you.
Kelso: I think the fire is out Red.
Red: Good, now you can start sweeping out the garage. Then you can wash my car, and then paint the fence.
Kelso: Oh man. I wish I would have injured myself with that thing so I couldn't do all of this manual labor.
Red: So do I! (Moves closer to him with the gun. Kelso picks up a broom and starts sweeping the garage).
Fade out.
