Title : Blue Ribbon III (Letting Go)
Disclaimer : I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.
Rating : T for theme only
Genre : Hurt/Comfort
Warnings : Yaoi, mild
Pairing : Koyu/Shuei
Summary : Brought together by Reishin's trickery, Koyu and Shuei go through the awkwardness of adjusting to each other, and the slow process of healing.
Notes : This was written in response to the LJ Saiun_Challenge prompt "Letting Go".
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Kijin looked up from reading Reishin's plan.
"I agree with the general idea, but is the semen necessary?"
"Absolutely. We need a strong reaction from Shuei."
"Alright. Yours? Do I carry it there in a bottle?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Pouring it from a bottle will look too staged. You will be present, you do the necessary. Don't look like that, Kijin, Koyu will be out by then."
"You owe me big time for this, Dumpling."
Kijin picked up the small packet of drugs from the table, tied the black cloth over his face, and leapt out of the window.
The bruise was starting to show, purple and hideous against Koyu's fair skin. The lips were already swollen, distorting the much loved features. Shuei's hands trembled as he lifted Koyu's head. He cursed when he saw the unmistakable spray of semen covering Koyu's face. Shuei pulled the sheets off the bed and wrapped the naked Koyu in it. He lifted the unconscious form and made his way to the bathroom.
Shuei knew his way well, even in the unlighted corridors. After he disappeared, Koyu had bought over what used to be the Ran Manor when Shuei's lease on it expired. He also kept all the servants. The room he found Koyu in was one near the back entrance of the manor. Reishin had told him that was the room Koyu used when he brought back men off the streets. Reishin also told him that their bedroom was left intact, even though Koyu didn't sleep in it anymore. He allowed no one to touch the things in the room, and did the cleaning himself.
Koyu stirred just as Shuei lowered him into the bath. He woke up fully when his body touched the water. He stared at Shuei. His body jerked when the recognition hit. He caught Shuei's arm that was sliding out of the bathtub.
"Shuei, Shuei, don't go, please, please, I'm sorry, please, I love you Shuei, don't go, I can't have sex with you, maybe never, but I love you, please stay, I need you, I can't make it without you, Shuei, I love you, Shuei . . . "
Shuei caught Koyu's face and turned it towards the lamp. The eyes were unnaturally dilated. He lifted Koyu's wrist, and placed his fingers on it. The pulse was irregular.
Damn! What did he take? Should I get a physician?
Shuei tried to extricate his arm to call for a servant, but that started a new round of frenzied pleading from Koyu. Using his free hand, Shuei stroked Koyu's forehead, making soothing sounds. Koyu pressed his forehead into Shuei's palm. Shuei moved his palm down to cup Koyu's cheek, and felt the hot tears on his hand.
"It's alright, Koyu, I'll never leave you, I promise."
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Koyu opened his eyes.
This ceiling … why am I here?
Why is my face hurting?
Koyu felt his swollen lips with his hand. The last thing he remembered was leaving the manor for the streets. He turned to his side and propped himself up.
Who's that sleeping on the floor, next to the bed?
"Shu … ei !"
Shuei rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and smiled at Koyu. He reached for Koyu's hand, took it in his, but continued to sit on the floor next to the bed. He brought Koyu's hand to his lips, kissed the palm, and grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry, I can't get into bed with you yet, not until I figure out what to do about this no-sex thing."
Koyu stared at the grinning Shuei. His Shuei.
"I'm home, Koyu."
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
The comb paused, in mid stroke. Shuei turned to look at Koyu kneeling behind him. Koyu had a far away look.
"What's wrong, Koyu?"
"Do you remember our first morning? When you tied on a blue ribbon?"
Shuei twisted his body around and slipped an arm round Koyu's waist. He felt a slight tremble in Koyu.
"Of course I do. You turned pale and hissed at me to take it off. Then you turned red and apologized, and said you had no idea what that was about."
"And you stopped wearing blue ribbons ever since."
Koyu ran his fingers through the silky dark violet hair, lovingly, sadly.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Koyu looked into the distance, his pale grey eyes reflecting the evening glow. He sighed, and said, barely above a whisper,
"It's my mother's birthday tomorrow."
Shuei, sitting next to Koyu on the veranda steps, put his arm round Koyu's shoulder and drew him nearer. This wordless gesture brought comfort to Koyu, but it also brought forth his tears. Shuei glanced at Koyu. There's something different about these tears. Quiet tears. Not like before, when every thought or mention of his mother would end in wrecking sobs. Shuei wondered if it was time.
Wiping Koyu's tears with the edge of his sleeve, Shuei asked quietly,
"Koyu, can we talk about the day you ran away?"
"Shuei . . . "
Koyu demurred at the idea of thinking about this matter. He fidgeted.
Shuei drew Koyu closer, swept aside his aqua bangs, and kissed him on the forehead.
"It's alright, Koyu. Never mind."
Koyu pressed his face into Shuei's neck.
"What do you want to know, Shuei?"
Shuei was happily surprised. This was the first time Koyu had agreed to talk about this topic. Koyu's memory of the first eight years of his life was still not complete. He had described it once as looking through a carved screen.
"Tell me about the first thing you remember after you lost your memory. I know you've said it before. There's something that bothers me, but I can't put my finger on it."
Shuei listened as Koyu related waking up in a haystack on a wagon, not knowing who or where he was, and being told by the driver that he had asked for a ride to the next town.
"Koyu, the wagon was going in the wrong direction!"
"Huh?"
"The wagon was going towards your hometown, not away from it."
Koyu raised his head from Shuei's neck. His large eyes stared at Shuei.
"Shuei . . . "
"You turned back, Koyu."
Shuei watched Koyu's face as the realization sank in. It was the most beautiful sight.
Then Koyu leaned in. Shuei turned his face away. Koyu stopped short, flushed, apologized, and started pulling away from Shuei. Shuei muttered a curse, pulled Koyu back, and kissed him. The kiss deepened. Shuei started to feel the pressure. Anytime soon, it would turn to pain. With a groan, Shuei broke off the kiss, and pushed Koyu away.
"I'm so sorry, Shuei, I'll go get the key."
Koyu jumped up.
Shuei reached out a hand and pulled him back down onto the veranda steps.
"Stay, Koyu. It will pass. Just don't touch me. Not for a while."
Koyu sat down on the steps, a safe distance from Shuei. He looked ahead, not wanting to embarrass Shuei by watching him struggle. Shuei has changed in just these short weeks. His initial solution to the "no-sex thing" was to wear himself out at Koga House. It worked, mostly. But Shuei was not happy because he was necessarily exhausted by the time he got into bed with Koyu, and fell asleep almost immediately, and couldn't enjoy what they both loved, just lying together in bed, sometimes talking, sometimes just snuggling, happy in a compatible silence.
And so Shuei approached His Highness. He had remembered Ryuki mentioning once that he had collections of strange things, like four hundred and twenty one uniquely designed thimbles, more than two thousand chopstick rests in jade, porcelain, wood, and even resin, and, more to the point, seventy three models of chastity belts, for both sexes. Ryuki was horrified at the suggestion, but finally allowed Shuei to select one.
Shuei was happier with this second solution. They could lie in bed, and they didn't have to hold back on embracing, nuzzling, touching each other. The one thing he didn't allow was kissing, because it usually ended up, well, like it just did.
Initially, when that happened, Koyu would hand Shuei the key, and disappear. But lately, Shuei preferred to just let it "pass". Just like the Koga House issue. Koyu began to notice that Shuei was no longer asking for the prisoner, as he calls it, to be released for R&R. So much so that the situation became quite bizarre – Koyu started hounding Shuei to visit Koga House, until Shuei lost his temper.
Koyu felt Shuei's hand on his.
Ah, it has passed.
He turned, just as Shuei threw his other hand over his shoulder, drawing him closer.
"So, Koyu, what do you want to do for your mother's birthday tomorrow?"
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Koyu rolled over in his sleep. Shuei's body jerked. The movement woke Koyu up.
"mmm . . . Shuei?"
Koyu snapped awake at the sound of Shuei's gasping breath. He rolled off Shuei quickly, taking his weight off Shuei's chastity belt.
"Oh my god, Shuei, I'm so sorry!"
"It's alright. It's a good thing you are as light as you are."
Shuei looked at Koyu, in his white undershirt and pants. He still hasn't quite gotten used to the sight. They both slept in shirts and pants these days.
Was it really that long ago that we slept in the nude together?
Shuei patted the mattress next to himself. Koyu took the invitation, and cuddled up next to Shuei. Shuei tucked an arm under Koyu, holding him close.
It still feels strange, all this silk between us. It's going to be this way, maybe for always.
"Koyu, do you remember what we talked about in the army camp that day when Bijin painted the mural? I feel ready now, what about you?"
Koyu twisted his head around to look at Shuei's profile.
"Shuei . . . are you sure? You want a kid now? We are not totally together yet. I mean, we are not even having sex."
"Koyu, even if we have sex every minute of the day, we are still not going to beget any children."
Koyu laughed.
He's LAUGHING! I haven't heard Koyu laugh since this whole thing started!
Shuei laughed too, in relief.
"So, Koyu, are you ready to become a father?"
"But, Shuei, the chastity belt . . ."
"What about it? I can still be a perfectly good father with a chastity belt on! Without actually doing the fathering, of course. That, dear one, is your job anyway, didn't we already agree on that?"
Koyu snuggled against Shuei.
"I'll think about it seriously."
Yuki drew his thighs together with a grimace.
A chastity belt! Oh, poor Shuei!
He continued reading Reishin's letter, chuckling.
"Imprisonment for the charge of murder – that's getting off easy"
It's good to see that Shuei's humour is still intact!
He nodded in satisfaction on reading about Koyu finding peace when, with Shuei's help, he realized that after he ran away, he changed his mind and turned back to go home.
He laughed out loud at Reishin's exasperated post-script.
"Stop talking about my beautiful hands, or else!"
Setsuna took out a piece of paper and wrote his very short reply to Reishin.
"We are ready to receive Shuei and Koyu. Send them here anytime!
P.S. Or else what, Lord Reishin? Will you report me to your man?"
He sealed his letter and set it aside. His hand strayed to Reishin's letter, hesitated, then picked up the rose-scented paper.
The carriage was actually very roomy, and the seats were the best there were in the industry. But, Koyu noted, one could be forgiven for thinking otherwise, looking at the way his two travelling companions were fidgeting.
Shuei's nervousness was easily understood. He would be meeting the woman who lost her child as a direct consequence of sex with him. Reishin's agitation was a mystery to Koyu. In fact, Reishin's presence on this trip to the Ran province was altogether incomprehensible. At the last minute, as the carriage was being loaded with their luggage, Reishin had impulsively decided to tag along. Reishin, who was known to spend weeks selecting the items to bring on a three-day trip, then threw together his stuff for a nine-day trip in half an hour.
Koyu leaned back against the upholstery, closing his eyes, shutting out the visuals of his restless companions. He wondered what Lord Reishin was up to. He shrugged philosophically. When the time came, he would then know.
Shuei looked at his sister-in-law, for the first time. He never knew of her existence. Officially, his elder brother Setsuna had only one wife. And due to the stipulation that the triplets must share a bedroom, as part of the game to keep them indistinguishable from each other, Gyokuka, the official wife, had a separate room. The Setsuna that's in love with her visited her there, but he was not allowed to spend the night, he would return to the bedroom he shared with his brothers after his trysts. Shuei was just told that Koyu's mother had her room in the servants' quarters. She was officially a servant. And the Setsuna that loves her does the same as the other brother.
She looked exactly the same. Shuei remembered her well. She was very beautiful. More than that, her desire was so evident, her need so desperate, in her eyes, even in her bloated, awkward pregnant body.
No, she didn't look the same. Just as beautiful, yes. But no longer needy. She looked radiant, and content. Almost like a different person, in fact. Seated, she smiled at him, holding out her hands in welcome.
Shuei fell to his knees, holding both her hands to his face.
"Forgive me."
"Don't, Shuei. I have nothing to forgive you for, just like I have nothing to thank you for."
That took Shuei by surprise. He looked up into gentle sky-blue eyes.
"Do you know how unhappy I was then, Shuei? I was made a wealthy man's concubine at a young age. I had not known any tenderness. When you broke my fall and helped me to my feet, it was your gentleness that impressed me. And when, out of impulse, I threw my arms around you and pressed my lips against yours, and you responded, I knew I had to have you. Shuei, I seduced you. I knew the risk. Your only fault, if at all, was being a great kisser. By the time we drew apart, I was no longer thinking rationally."
She withdrew her hands from Shuei's, and held his hands in hers instead.
"Now, I am so happy, I can still hardly believe it. Shuei, we had sex, I miscarried, was thrown out, ended up in the brothel, met Setsuna. It is all a chain of events, all cause and effect. Do I then thank you for all this good fortune that came out of this, and in the same way, do I blame you for the miscarriage?"
She paused.
"I can neither thank you nor blame you. The events that happened in my life as a result of our having sex, has got nothing to do with you. So, you see, Shuei, don't ask me to forgive you."
She smiled at him reassuringly.
"Now get up please, I need to speak to Koyu."
Speak wasn't exactly what she did. She threw herself at Koyu. Shuei was surprised at Koyu's response. Koyu, who was always uptight and uncomfortable about being touched by anyone, embraced his mother warmly.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Shuei led Koyu into the bedroom of his childhood. They sat down in silence, both preoccupied with their own thoughts.
Shuei stared at the blue ribbon in his hand. She had kept it all these years. Not because of sentimental attachment. Not because he was a great lover. But in anticipation of the day when, possibly, her young once-off lover would discover that he had caused her miscarriage. She kept the ribbon as a concrete, solid token, to show him that she bore no grudge.
His mother's words to Shuei were running through Koyu's mind.
"The events that happened in my life as a result of our having sex, has got nothing to do with you."
Koyu flushed. In telling Shuei he can't accept his murder weapon, Koyu was transferring the burden of his own guilt to Shuei. The chastity belt, besides being a physical torment, was also a constant reminder to Shuei of the miscarriage and the subsequent death of Koyu's mother.
Oh, Shuei! How can I do this to you?
Even after knowing that Koyu's mother was alive, that still didn't change the fact of the miscarriage. Koyu realized that he's got to get over his squeamishness.
I've got to apply my mother's logical reasoning to Shuei's penis!
Koyu stood up and walked around the table. He pulled out the pin that held Shuei's headpiece in place. He removed the gold and blue headpiece. He undid Shuei's topknot, shaking the long hair loose, running his fingers through it to comb it out. He reached across Shuei's shoulder and picked up the blue ribbon from Shuei's hand. He gathered Shuei's hair, about two-third-way down, and tied the blue ribbon on.
Walking around to face Shuei, Koyu reached into his pants pocket and took out a small key.
"It's time to release the prisoner, Shuei."
[The End]
Notes:
The discussion between Shuei and Koyu on having children is a reference to the events in my fanfic The General's Man. In brief, it was tacitly agreed that they do want children in the future, and that Koyu would father the children (with a woman, of course! ^_^).
