Disclaimer: I own nothing. So shut up.

JD's POV (still)

Day 3 of whatever month in whatever year in this fanfic's world's timeline…yeah

This morning the alarm went off, and guess what was playing. REM's "It's the End of the World" song. Is that really the name of it? I never know actual titles of songs…. Anyway, so I'm going to decide to let that song set the tone for today. And what tone would that be, you ask? Ok, well I haven't fully figured that out, but as of this moment I'm gonna go with: twitchy, hyper, manic, resigned.

Have you ever had a few days in a row when for whatever reason you haven't been able to get much to eat and then you wake up one morning and you feel like you're on a sugar high or caffeine rush? Like your body has reached a point where it has to dip into some secret energy reserve and for half a day you feel like you're set on high speed dubbing.

That is currently what I'm experiencing. In sharp contrast to how I've been feeling for the past two and a half days, I feel like a bundle of nervous energy. I almost feel crazed. I kind of like it. So, I once again pass on breakfast because I really want to keep this thing going. Maybe I can get through work today without feeling like I can barely lift my hand to write on a chart. I'm excited.

I am bouncing around the living room, putting my shoes on. Carla and Turk both look really exhausted and aren't exactly sharing in my bizarre enthusiasm for my new scrubs I am sporting today. It occurs to me that we've hardly spoken for days now and I have no idea what's going on in their lives…of course, chances are nothing is really different. It's only been a few days after all. But then again, these few days for me have been…

Ok, no. I have energy, I am not going to ruin it. There are no guarantees that these moments will last, so, I'm going to revel it in. Cherish it. So I sit on Turk's lap and hug him and I give Carla a big kiss on the cheek. They seem amused by this and so I do a little jig out the door for their viewing pleasure and blow them kisses. Ah, fresh fall air. Crisp and…and…very very cold. Damn. Oh well, it's all right. A nice invigorating ride on my scooter should do well to keep me perky, so off I go.

Here I am at the hospital. There she is - large, bright, and inviting. The janitor isn't even around to torment me this morning. Which I take as a sign that today shall indeed be dandy. And there's Lavern. I kiss her on the cheek as well. She looked at me funny, but that's ok. You know, I think I should adopt a new JD policy. Cheek kissing is such a lovely gesture and not used nearly enough in our closed American culture. I shall henceforth kiss all the ladies in my life on the cheek as my signature greeting. I'll have to think of something else for the men…hmmm.

Dr. Cox is walking towards me. And there it is, that first glimmer of doubt that today will be upbeat and positive through to the end. I open my mouth to say something, but I really have no idea what that something should be. I try to think of a new JD male greeting to try out on him. I don't think my greeting for Turk this morning would be exactly appropriate to use on Dr. Cox…or…most other men I know. There's always the football butt slap, but I think the only person who would enjoy that is Todd, and I really don't want to go there. High fives won't work, and that's already been done.

I am totally drawing a blank, so I think maybe a simple "hi" should be safe. However, when I turn to say, "hi" I find that he's already walking away down the hallway. My perma-grin falters. No, no, that's ok. Dr. Cox would probably just end up saying something sarcastic and rude anyway and I don't really want that do I? So…no problem. I'm here for my patients after all, and I may as well just jump right into that. Here we go, full speed ahead.

6 Hours Later…

Lunch break. So far the day hasn't been quite as magnificent as I had hoped. But, the smile is still on, no one has died on me, so…bonus. However, my manic state is not as powerful as it was first thing this morning. Nothing that a little lunch break can't fix, though, right? So, here I am in the cafeteria.

I am hit with the strangest mix of scents. There's that smell of cleaning fluid, that specific sterile smell that all hospitals have. That's the base smell. On top of that is the smell of coffee, which I am standing right next to. Only it doesn't smell like good coffee, it smells like stale, burnt coffee. I'm just going to guess that I'm also smelling potato salad right now, and possibly ham somewhere.

You know what? I really should not have stood here analyzing the scents for this long. I now have absolutely no appetite…oh wait. I haven't had one of those in a couple days, so I guess no harm, no foul. But, I am once again feeling rather nauseous. Which is making me a little less happy. I guess I can't really describe my mood at any given point today as happy anyway. Manic, hyper, goofy… I've been smiling a lot, but I haven't really been happy. I have to admit, I've gotten some satisfaction from the idea that I think for once in my life, I've faked everyone out into thinking that I'm happy. Yea me.

Ok, so upon further reflection, I probably can't even take the credit for putting on a good show. I wasn't really trying to fake anything, anyway. And most likely everyone has just filled in the blanks with their previously obtained knowledge of me. I've always been happy-go-lucky and easy going. So, why would they notice that my smile is reflected in my eyes in a slightly different way, or that my interactions with everyone are a little forced and impersonal? They wouldn't, would they?

"Hey, JD!"

Oh, it's Elliot. I haven't seen her all day. Or yesterday, really.

"Hey."

Oh yeah, my new JD greeting!

I lean over and kiss her cheek and smile. She smiles back, a wide, genuine smile, and links arms with me.

"Oh my gosh I have so much to tell you. But I am sooo hungry. I have to get food NOW or I think I'm going to pass out. I only had an almond poppy seed muffin this morning. And a banana with peanut butter on it. Oh my goodness, the almond poppy seed muffin was SO GOOD! If you have never had one, you have to! You go to that little super market on Sewall St. You know, the one across from Pat's? Can it really be called a super market if it's so small? Maybe it's just called a market. Anyway…"

I am zoning out. It's not because I am uninterested in her food choices for the day, or that it's not good to hear a friendly, cheerful voice in my ear…it's just that I know the place she's talking about. I was just there a few days ago.

I don't feel very good. I can still smell all the strange mixes of smells, and Elliot is dragging me through the food line while she's talking. She's loading her tray with all kinds of odd concoctions and I find myself feeling overwhelmed. I have to keep swallowing.

That fog I've been in the past couple of days is beginning to roll in again. I don't even have a tray, and so I'm not getting any food. I wonder if Elliot notices this as we go through the line. She's really animated about something, but for the life of me I can't seem to focus on her story. I think my grin is dropped away, but I can't really seem to focus on what my face is doing either. I think I just smiled at her. That seemed to be the appropriate thing to do.

"Don't you think so, JD?"

Oh, no. She's asked me something. I have no idea what she was saying….what do I do?

"Um, yes. Absolutely."

She shrieks and gives me a half hug. I must have given the right answer to something. I try to smile.

It's amazing how fast your day can change. This morning, and right up until now I've been running on a seemingly endless energy reserve. Well, here and there I've felt exhaustion trying to creep in, but I was able to push it back out and press on. Now? Now I'm feeling weighted. I look down to make sure I don't have huge iron balls attached to my ankles with thick links of chain. Nope. Of course not. If it wasn't for the subtle swishing of my scrubs fabric I would wonder if I accidentally put on a suit of armor.

Somehow we've made it through the food line and apparently Elliot has found Turk and Carla. I let Elliot slide in the booth, and I sit down next to her. She stopped talking and is looking very excitedly at her food.

"Hey, guys."

Oh yeah, Turk and Carla are sitting in front of me.

"Hey."

Well, that was lame. I scratch my arm idly and look around the room. I feel a familiar anxiety start to form in the pit of my stomach. When I was running around from patient to patient everything was fine. I was in a groove, my own little world where I was in control. All of a sudden I'm in this bright open room with all these chairs and people. I feel naked and ridiculous. My neck feels warm.

"JD, why aren't you eating?" Carla is asking in her best mom voice.

Suddenly everyone is staring at me. Oh crap. This is uncomfortable. As I try to think of a perfect excuse, I notice that Dr. Cox is sitting in front of us. Is he sitting with Ted? That's weird.

"Hey, Dr. Cox is sitting with Ted."

Smooth, changing the subject. Surprisingly that actually works and everyone seems very, very interested in that. Diversionary tactic successful. Nice.

That done, I start to feel a little awkward. I find that once again, here with my closest friends, I am at a total loss as to what to say to them. They are all talking about their day and munching away. I'm having a hard time with eye contact, so I'm looking at their food. Which is making the nausea worse. I think I must be crashing now off of whatever crazy high I was on earlier. My eyes feel warm and heavy. I feel a little unsteady and I'm grateful that I am sitting down. Maybe I should go lie down for my lunch break instead of sitting here feeling like the odd man out.

I can't concentrate on anyone's conversations, again. I run a hand through my hair and hit the spot where I hit my head on the concrete wall on the roof yesterday. I hiss and pull my hand back. Great, now I have a headache forming again. It's like my body forgot that it was supposed to feel like crap until just now. My new scrubs are feeling a little itchy now too. I'm beginning to get irritated. I really should just get up and leave. I don't want to accidentally snap at anyone or ruin everyone's lunch break.

Elliot is telling Carla about her amazing muffin. My face flushes, I want to stand up and yell:

"SHUT UP! I don't care about your stupid muffin. I don't want to hear about the awesome market that you bought it from! I don't want to think about the little bakery section across from the produce, ok!"

But I don't. And I really don't feel very good. And now all of that crap that's been going on these past couple days is re-entering my mind, which I shouldn't be so surprised about, but I am. Don't ask me why I woke up this morning all hyper, and thought that somehow meant that it was over. That I had moved past everything in the night. I am forever amazed at my own idiocy. Right now I'm actually really mad at my idiocy. It would have been so much better to wake up already feeling doomed instead of getting my hopes up like a delusional cheerleader.

"JD, are you alright?"

What? Oh crap. I must be displaying my feeling on my face again.

"Yeah, fine. Great!"

Was that too enthusiastic? Guess not. Turk just started telling Elliot about how zany I was this morning. They're laughing. Elliot touches my arm. I flinch. She doesn't notice.

"I haven't seen you in that good of a mood in a couple days, JD." Carla leans over and pinches my cheek. I flinch. She doesn't notice.

"It's so good to have you back!"

Oh you have got to be kidding me. I know I need to play along. Why couldn't we have had this conversation when I had the energy to play along? I smile. I hope it looked ok. Oh, good – here comes Todd. He's coming over here, looking for a seat. Perfect – my chance to escape.

"What's up my posse?"

Posse? Don't roll your eyes. Don't roll you eyes.

"Hey! Todd!"

Was that too eager? Who cares. I stand up and bow slightly, sweeping my arm out in front of me.

"You may be seated."

Todd grins an impossibly wide grin and sits down.

"Hey, wait. Where are you going? You haven't even eaten yet." Turk sounds distressed. I feel guilty.

"Sorry, I just remembered there's something I have to take care of. I had a big breakfast, I'm all set. See ya!"

I'm so caught up in trying to get away quickly that I don't even catch the gigantic blunder I have just made. There are rules surrounding covering up such things as not eating. One of the most obvious and major rules is: never lie to someone who you live with about whether or not you ate breakfast.

"Whoa, watch it Catherine."

Geeze! I totally didn't see him there. Looks like he's done lunch.

"S-Sorry, Dr. Cox."

I stutter and keep going. If I had been tuning into the conversations around me I would have heard Carla say:

"Turk, did you see JD eat a big breakfast this morning?"

Followed by Turk's response:

"Nope. I didn't see him eat any breakfast this morning. Come to think of it, I don't think he's had breakfast for 3 mornings in a row."

And then Elliot:

"And no lunch today. Actually, I haven't seen him eating lunch either. When was the last time anyone has seen him eat at all?"

And then realistically I probably would have been out of earshot by then anyway and so would not have heard the rest. But as it is, I didn't hear any of it. Nor did I bother to turn around to see Dr. Cox walk by their table at the exact moment this little exchange was taking place, and look up to watch me walk away.

No, the world I am in presently is not in connection to the world around me in any real way, so basically I am completely oblivious to all of this, and everything else.

What I am not oblivious to is the way my body has realized that it hasn't had any nourishment for about 3 days. What I do notice is the way my head is pounding and the way the thought of food right now is worse than the weakness the lack of food is giving me.

Ooops, my legs have taken me to the roof again. I don't really know why I'm up here. It's cold. It's bright. I turn around to leave and run straight into Dr. Cox's chest.

"Oommph"

I stumble back and try to will my legs to remain in solid form and not turn into rubber. It works. I bite my lip so I don't blurt out, "The Force is strong within me".

Dr. Cox stares at me for a minute, but of course I can't make eye contact. I stare down at his feet and mumble once again that I'm sorry. Why do I keep running into him! Outwardly, I'm accidentally rolling my eyes because inwardly, I'm disgusted with my constant klutziness. But Dr. Cox might not know that.

"What did I tell you about your new hiding place, Newbie."

I'm not a newbie anymore.

"I was just leaving."

That must be one of the most frequently said lines in movies, and least frequently said in real life. And I just used it. Huh.

"And you thought that you suddenly developed the ability to walk through people?"

No.

"Sorry, didn't know you were there."

Why can't I look up?

"Oh gosh. Have you been crying or something?"

He sounds petrified of the answer, and why the hell is he asking me that? I'm a little stunned, which causes me to look up for the first time.

"No." I feel my face and eyes, just in case. You can't be too careful these days. "Why?"

"Oh, phew! You were looking down. I thought it was either that or you had a putrid growth on your nose that you didn't want anyone to see."

I feel my nose. He rolls his eyes.

"Oh, ok."

Clearly I have no way of responding to any of this. There's an awkward pause and I make a move to leave, just as Dr. Cox decides to speak again.

"You didn't eat lunch."

I stop. My back is almost to him by now, but I'm not completely turned around.

"So."

And I'm 16.

"Why not?"

Because didn't want to, duh!

"I filled up on power bars."

Could be true, he has no way of knowing that's not true.

"Are you sick?"

I can tell he's not sure if he should believe me.

"No."

Pause.

"You look like shit."

Why does he keep freaking saying that? How is that possibly beneficial? I stare at the ground for a minute before deciding that this conversation is really not worth having and I turn to leave. He doesn't stop me. Why the hell do we keep having these horrible conversations that always end with one of us pissed at the other? He's the only person I've said more than a handful of words to in days, besides my patients. I have a feeling that if I tried having conversations with everyone else, the results would be the same. Maybe I should reconsider that avoid everyone policy.

I find myself walking to the doctor's lounge. The cute nurse the janitor tripped me in front the other day is walking out while I'm walking in. I try to smile at her. She doesn't notice, she's looking at a chart. Oh well. Speaking of the janitor, he's in here. He's at the computer.

I think I should get some coffee, try to recharge.

"Hey."

"What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying that because I'm a janitor I have no right to be in the doctor's lounge? Is that it?"

What the hell? I'm just trying to be friendly, geeze.

"N-no. Just saying hi."

Good God. He gives me look of pure hatred and turns back to the computer screen.

Wait – the computer screen! I recognize that page. I blink and take a few steps closer. Oh my God. He is looking at the sex offender registry. He's looking at him.

"You know computers remember what people have been looking at? I find it fascinating to see what people look at on this thing. I try to guess who's been where. Like the other day someone had been to this website…"

I'm holding my breath, my eyes won't blink. Does he know, has he guessed it was me? Does he know my last name? It's him. He's looking at him. Right there, staring back at me. He won't leave me alone.

I don't notice that someone else came in the room, and is standing several feet away. Not until that someone speaks.

"Oh look, Rebecca. He's checking out your boyfriend. Looks like you've got yourself some competition. A little competition is healthy though, keeps your skills up. Assuming of course that you have skills. Do you have any skills, Rebecca?"

I am in a sheer panic. My brain is rapidly firing off warning signals and I can't seem to react fast enough to any of them. Dr. Cox saw me looking at that screen yesterday, if the janitor is paying attention and can pick up on clues, he'll be able to make the connection that it was me who was looking at this website. And although it doesn't seem like Dr. Cox can tell what he's looking it, the janitor most certainly knows.

It doesn't mean anything. It's ok. Everything ok. JD, listen to yourself. You need to breath. You need to be calm. You need to not freak out. You need to remember the explanation you came up with the other day about why you were looking at that website. Breath. All you need to do is open your mouth and as casually as possible tell them your explanation.

"Well, she is positively green with envy. Ohhh…that's so sweet. Young love is so passionate and pure, don't you think, Rebecca?"

Shit, he was talking when I was supposed to be talking, and now the timing is all off and…I don't know what to do. And I can't even begin to think about what Dr. Cox is saying. He doesn't know, he's kidding. He's just being Dr. Cox. He doesn't know. No one knows.

Oh, no. I've been holding my breath. And now I'm breathing a little too heavily. Everything's misfiring in my head, and I'm a little fuzzy, but I think in between gasps of air I'm trying to talk.

"I – had a…my…there was a….a patient…and she was-"

Oh God this is not working. I must look insane. I need to get a grip. But I can't. I can't. I can't breath and I can't stop staring at that one spot on the computer. I am somewhat aware the janitor has now turned around in his seat and is staring at me. Something in me is screaming at me to get to a chair or couch and sit down – no lie down. I absolutely need to lie down RIGHT NOW! No, no…I need to get to a bathroom. I need to throw up. Again.

"JD? JD. Maybe you should sit down."

Who is that? Must be Dr. Cox. It sounds like there are a million bees in my head. I think I'm sweating. I am so confused. Everything is hazy, I'm so disoriented. I can't really hear anything anymore, but someone is saying my name and it sounds like I'm underwater. In what feels like slow motion I turn and see...

"Dan?"

Man, I sound weird.

Dan's eyes slip from me to the computer screen and they look like they're going to bug out of his head.

"Jesus!" I hear Dan say, although it's quite muted.

Again in slow motion I see him "run" to the computer and close out the window with a very confused janitor looking on. The janitor is standing now. When did he stand up? I can't feel my body. Is that normal?

"JD. I'm so sorry, buddy."

It's Dan. My vision is fading, but I can see he has turned to look at me and seems to be very concerned. I want to say hi, tell him everything's ok, not to worry, it's ok. But, I can't figure out how to get my voice to activate.

Everything shifts and the lights dim and then go out. We have a light dimmer in here? Cool. I am somewhat aware of hands on me, under me. I can hear people saying things…I hear my name. And then I hear nothing. I feel nothing.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Ok. I wrote that so fast it's probably absolute rubbish.

You know how you have something in your head and then when you sit down to type it, your fingers take over completely and it doesn't look quite the same as it did in your head? Yeah... that's happening here. I wonder which version is better. The one you're reading, or the one in my head. Huh.

Thanks for all the votes of confidence! I still feel like everyone else has done glaringly better than me...but oh well. It can't be helped.