KYLE'S LETTER

The sun rose steadily on the morning of July 28th, 2013. But that wasn't what woke Kyle Broflovski. The sleek black alarm on his bedside table beeped when it hit 8:00 but that's not what woke him either. True, it caused him to move ever-so-slightly but it wasn't enough. What did wake him up was the gentle shaking of his little brother, calling in his ear.

"Kyle… Kyle dude you gotta wake up."

Kyle just turned to his side. Ike sighed.

"You gotta get up man, it's morning. Mom's making breakfast."

Kyle mumbled something before pulling the covers over his head as well. Ike frowned before ripping the covers away. Even though he was only seven he was pretty strong.

"I'm not going to tell you again to get up. Mom wants you up. You have to eat today okay?"

Kyle turned over and stared at Ike with tired and hurt eyes.

"I can't dude."

Ike sighed again. "Just try. Go downstairs and be with us at least. C'mon, I'm getting worried too."

Kyle cast his eyes down. "I'll be down shortly."

Satisfied, his brother scampered out. He'd be down, sure, but he had to muster the energy to get out of bed first. And ever since July 13th… there had been very little reason to get out of bed. His days since then consisted of sitting or lying in bed crying, yelling, cursing, kicking things, and not eating. Thoughts of fear, confusion, helplessness, and anger took hold every waking moment. While he was now so listless Kyle's mind never stopped working. His best friend in the entire world had been taken from him and there was no way he could continue on as if it never happened. And it was only a week ago since he was buried and he acquired all of Stan's old toys and such. That crap sat in boxes in Kyle's room now, an eyesore of what he had lost. It really was a lot of effort for him to get up from bed since then.

But Kyle didn't want his mother coming up and mother-henning him so reluctantly he placed his feet on the carpet and made his way down. He could feel the eyes of his family on him when he took his seat.

"Are you going to eat today bubbe?" Sheila asked her son carefully.

Kyle shrugged.

"Well I made your favorite just in case…" she presented him with a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon sprinkled on top and raisins scattered about. Even things like oatmeal had become horrible for all he could think about was how much Stan had hated the food.

Kyle stared at the bowl with half-open eyes. "I don't think I can eat the whole thing Ma."

"Well try bubbe."

"Your mother's right Kyle," Gerald said over his coffee mug. "You need to eat more so you have energy. That's why you're up in your room all day and don't want to come down. It's because you don't have enough food in you to keep you going. You'll feel so much better after you eat well."

His best friend died weeks ago, why would he want to do anything but mourn about it? And even though his mother claimed she 'understood' it didn't stop her from fretting over him. He needed time alone. Time to think. He couldn't be bothered by his family, not now. They didn't understand just how hard this was for him. Friends came and went; it was a part of growing up. Yet Stan and Kyle had been best friends since preschool. They were supposed to be SBFs their whole lives and reminisce about the good old days when they were in an old folk's home or some shit. That was how it was supposed to be. Stan was never a 'come-and-go' friend. He was supposed to be his forever friend. No, what Kyle was going through was different and no one could possibly tell him they knew how it felt.

Kyle mumbled about going upstairs after he ate half his breakfast, as was tradition by this point. He could feel his mother's eyes on him as he went up but didn't care. Time away from them. From anyone. He shut his door with a heavy sigh as if he just got away from major rule-bending. He stood like this before deciding he'd better shower. Everyone said showers helped clear a foggy mind but not for him. Nothing would be able to clear his head now. He didn't care what people said, he'd be able to fix himself, he just needed time and they weren't giving him any of it. It was a short time in the bathroom. He was in and out, brushed his teeth and peed all under thirty minutes. Now he was sitting on his bed, palms on either side of his head. It was so hard to do anything but think about Stan. Memories flooded his mind every minute, affecting simple everyday tasks. Happy memories when they were five and still very naive and innocent. Memories when they were nine, just before he was diagnosed. Two boys looking for trouble (Stan more than anything). The good memories when Stan was sick. As well as the bad. And those ones that haunted him… that final day. July 13th.

"Fucking bastard," Kyle said dangerously. "Fucking bastard knew he was going to die!" he violently tossed his pillow to the window where it messed up his curtains. He broke down yet again.

Perhaps what was most difficult to him now was the thought Stan knew he was going to die soon. During his burial a week ago his sister confessed to the boys Stan had told her everything. Told her he knew he was a goner. Did he know the exact date of his departure? No, but he knew it was soon. And as he lay weak in that hospital bed after the 4th of July… he knew then he probably wasn't going to come home. And it tore Kyle up inside knowing such a huge secret was being kept from him for who-knew-how-long. They were best friends. Best friends. Why didn't he tell him? Didn't he trust him?

"I hate you so much for not telling me Stan, I hate you," Kyle sobbed as he remained sitting on his bed. He had not been able to look at a picture of Stan since his death. Instead he voiced his opinions to the air as if he could hear. And he hoped he did. He hoped Stan knew just how pissed off he was for not saying anything. "Why? Why didn't you tell me Stan? Do you think I wouldn't keep it a secret if you asked me to? Why did your sister get the honor of knowing? What the fuck were you thinking dude?"

"You just have to respect his wishes," Ike had told him at least twice now. "Obviously there was a reason he didn't tell anyone but his sister. Don't beat yourself over his death even more brother."

Kyle drew in a deep breath and tried to let some of his anger out through it. No, there was no way he was gone. Not Stan. The two would always joke about who would be the first to kick the bucket.

"Well I could fall into diabetic shock and never return," Kyle said one fine day when they were eight.

"True but I could suffer the worst asthma attack yet and the ambulance might not come in time to save me," Stan said smartly back.

Kyle smiled. "You'd have to be really stupid to not have an inhaler on you that day dude."

"And you'd be stupid not to check your blood sugar first too."

Kyle laughed. "By the sounds of it we both could die at the same time."

"Ah well, better that, that way we don't have to live too long missing each other," Stan had commented back.

It is so weird how something that happened a handful of years ago could seem so distant and in the past now. Yet at the same time it feels as if it happened just last week. Many memories felt that way for Kyle now. So long ago but so in the present. Much of Kyle's anger left with him as he spent hours on his bed, thinking. Sadness and emptiness and confusion were taking over now. He didn't go down for lunch. Nothing to do but look as shadows played on the walls, as the sun made its way around the room. Five hours had passed of Kyle staring off into space. He lay on his bed, hand under his head as his eyes drifted towards the boxes near his desk. All five boxes (and seven tubs of Legos) were filled with all of Stan's toys and games both old and new. A select number was still at the Marsh house for some were too personal to family and he didn't feel right taking them from them. Hell, he didn't feel right having what he had now.

These were links to a happy Stan. A happy little boy who would play all day in his room like any other kid. A boy who happily ran toy cars over his blankets when he was sick in bed. Running cars off his legs that were dubbed 'hills'. Kyle was actually a little shocked by the amount of toys he took back with him. He didn't know Stan owned so much. Then again he received gifts all the time from being sick and in the hospital, he may even have had more than Cartman at the time. Even at the age of twelve Stan's room hardly changed. A few things were added and subtracted but it always remained a kid's room, a room for a ten-year-old even if he was a tween. Kyle had thrown out many of his young childhood relics as the years went by but Stan held on. He simply hated throwing things out, every little thing had a memory and purpose and to put it easily, Stan loved being a kid.

Kyle sighed as he played back moments in his mind when Stan would play with the items in these boxes. He sighed as he placed his hands in his pockets, no reason really. That's when something caught him off-guard; something was in his pocket. He took out what seemed to be an envelope. Kyle was written in green Sharpie on the front. The redhead sat bolt upright when he realized what this was; the letter or whatever Stan's lawyer gave him last week. He must have forgotten about it since it was crammed in his coat. Then again he had several pairs of the same jacket, this one today must have been from that day of his burial and reading of his will.

Was he ready to read? Did it matter? It was here now in his fingers. He had to. Hands shaking he slit the envelope and pulled out three pages, front- to-back. Super best friend was written on the title page. Swallowing thickly, Kyle began to read:

Well Kyle, it's come to this: the day we have both feared. I don't even know how to start this, it is way too hard to say goodbye to those you know and love. And dude, if ever there was a person I would find difficult to say bye to…

Tears already pooled in Kyle's eyes as he read words from Stan. Stan. These words came from him.

I don't think I can even say goodbye.

Kyle let out a sob and he placed a thumb to his forehead to steady himself.

You have been everything for me the past 9 ½ years. Kyle, I love you so much man. You're fucking amazing.

Kyle tried to smile at this through his sobbing.

You have been all a guy could want and more in a best friend. I don't know if I can start listing all the reasons you've been the best. Better than the best.

When we first met in preschool… seems like just yesterday almost. You were this little four-year-old excited to show off how smart you were and I was this shy little 3 ½ year old carrying around my lovey.

Kyle sniffed and blew his nose. "I remember dude…"

Thank god our moms forced us to say hello. And we hit it off from there. Do you remember I got my famous poofball hat so I could be like you and we could be 'brothers'?

Kyle laughed. How he remembered how lame they both were…

Dude, we're closer than brothers. We're stitched at the hip. But seriously Kyle, preschool was awesome because of you. You made school worth coming to. It would have been no fun making fun of Mr. Mackey without you.

And kindergarten…HAHA, remember when you recited the alphabet too quickly that Mrs. Burgman told you you had to slow it down? Remember sitting in the red paint? All 4 of us getting in trouble for cursing on the playground? That lame fieldtrip to a soup factory?

Kyle was crying from both sadness and laughter as he read these words.

Ha, remember me being a big baby during our field trip to the dentist?

Kyle laughed hard at this. "Oh man, oh god I remember dude. Oh my god… that was just yesterday…"

You getting really annoyed and finally telling me to 'shut up'? Man I don't know what was wrong with me that day. Maybe I got in trouble the night before. Maybe it was Shelley's fault. Maybe she showed me a dead bird or something that morning before the field trip.

Kyle's lips twitched.

Kindergarten was fun although I was getting pretty bored with the whole 'waking up at 7:30' thing towards the end. But I have plenty of fun memories with you in my kindergarten book. Does '37! 37!' ring a bell?

Kyle laughed again at one of their inside jokes.

I can come up with 1,000,000 more memories with you. Remember me ruining your present on your 5th birthday? Telling you what I got for you then trying to take your new dump truck home.

Speaking of me being a baby- remember how upset I was when I was the last one of us to lose his first tooth? Man, some things matter so much to little kids!

More smiles; Kyle wasn't expecting he'd be doing so much of it considering what he was reading. But this was Stan, his best friend. The only person who could make him laugh unlike anyone else and who had so many memories with. Who he knew two years before his own brother came into the world. Stan was his brother before Ike. And now he was being reminded just how strong their friendship was. He hoped the whole letter was like this, he didn't want Stan to give him another reason to feel depressed again.

Cartman teasing me about it though, but you being upbeat and told me I'd lose one eventually.

I wanna break from reminiscing and tell you all the reasons why you rock:

You're smart

You're cool

You care

You listen

You take action

You're funny

You're always there when I need you

You don't take crap from people (mainly Cartman)

You're brave

You're mature

You're honest

You're helpful

You are simply THE BEST.

This is just scratching the surface. There is no way I could have done half the things you have.

Another pull at the lips. Kyle frowned. "C'mon St-Stan, don't be gay. You- you were just as amazing… oh god…" he rubbed his eyes to steady himself.

Cartman has pissed me off plenty of times but you were great, taking charge of it. I admit, I've always taken the weak, lame way out of things. (Don't try denying it either dude.)

Kyle frowned; Stan didn't take the easy way out. Not that he could recall.

But you stand there and go on about the importance of owning up to your responsibility. You are so brave to stand your ground Kyle. I have never been able to be as open and honest as you. I know you think being smart is a curse but dude, I need to tell you we wouldn't have been able to get out of half the shit we've been through if you hadn't used your brain.

Kyle's lips twitched.

Just think- would we have gotten out of detention that one time in second grade if you hadn't researched exactly how destroying Mrs. Fooder's bookshelf wasn't our fault? You saved our asses that one day dude. You've also helped me out countless times on homework. You were annoyed by it sometimes, sure, but you always helped.

Kyle sighed. Stan always was useless when it came to homework. He loved waiting until the end on several things, especially math. He could always expect the younger boy to ask for help at least once each week. Stan did get good grades but it took a while to get him motivated to get there.

Thanks man. I wouldn't have passed kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th grade if it weren't for you.

Maybe.

Sure you can complain I had a lot of talents and interests but you have the brain. With your brain there's no doubt you'll get a college education and go on and become a professor or something and make BANK.

"Oh come on now dude…" Kyle passed off.

There's hardly a secure future for someone who likes to knit and is an animal activist.

Kyle burst in laugher once again as a tear rolled down his cheek.

You should be a doctor or something Kyle.

"What?" the redhead frowned.

You're really smart and like science and math. You like to read. You're great with people. With your mind you wouldn't stop until you found the cure for something your patient has been looking for.

Kyle's eyes streamed with tears at these words. A doctor was a tall order and high expectation for anyone.

Consider it dude. But hey, if you end up a garbage man and love it, fine by me!

Another chuckle.

Dude, thanks for always being there for me. I'm sure it wasn't easy listening to this pussy cry about his normal life. But you were there when my first pet fish died. You were there when I expressed my fears of snakes and hospitals. You never laughed when I told you I had just come back from the doctor's office/dentist and threw up on them. You never laughed that I was the last kid to tell time. The last to memorize all the multiplication numbers. When I told you I had saved those birds while all the other kids (Cartman) laughed. When I was too afraid to use the bathroom the first time in preschool so you offered to take me.

Kyle blew his nose on some tissue he had by his desk.

That was so embarrassing. All the bad and scary dreams I ever had you listened to them. My first attempt at a love song in 2nd grade.

"Ha! Oh my god I remember that shit dude," Kyle smiled. He could see little six-and-a-half year old Stan singing him the song he had written for his crush Wendy Testaburger one lonely Sunday afternoon. Something about her being as sweet as chocolate and as fun as rain. It really was a cute little thing for a little kid to do.

But most important, all the times I've cried on you ever since I was diagnosed with ALL.

At this Kyle had to pause and draw in a deep breath. He was now going to talk about the one thing he didn't want to hear. Couldn't this just be a nice letter telling of all the good times they had? Why bring up… that. Kyle didn't go back to the letter right away, he was afraid of what he might read even though he had a feeling what he was going to say. Maybe he wrote about why he did not let anyone but his sister know he was dying? Wanting to prove to Stan he was who he said he was, Kyle pressed on.

Knowing there was nothing you could do to help me. But dude, just being there these last few years has been enough. I'm sure none of this has been easy for you. I don't want to pity myself but it can't've been easy for you to see me go through all I ever hated. But you've been great through it Kyle. You did make all those shots, IVs, blood draws, and other procedures bearable.

Kyle wiped another tear. "No I didn't dude, that was all you. All you Stan."

Seeing you show up unannounced was always great and even if I was sometimes rude to you, deep down I was always happy you came.

Kyle grinned sadly. So many times he did run in on a very unpleasant Stan Marsh making him wonder if some visits were worth it.

It was a lot easier sitting in a bed sick, attached to all sorts of shit when you were there to play Uno with. Or the T&P board game. Or watch TV. Or just nothing at all. Also, I want to thank-you for the research you did with ALL. I never really liked hearing what you found but I appreciate you taking your extra time trying to make some sense out of my prognosis. Shit like that makes me know you will be a great doctor dude.

Kyle drew in a shuddered breath as he impatiently wiped at wet eyes. Maybe his best friend had a point…

Shit man, I feel I can write a book of thanks for all you did related to my cancer. You founded Smiles for Stan. You hated the thought of my family having a sucky summer so you gave us one that was one of the greatest times of my life. But you didn't stop. You held rallies each month ensuring people donated to SFS. You put so much effort into it. Kyle, because of you my family could put gas in the SUV and drive me back and forth, SP to Denver. Because of you my parents were always there for me. Because of you my parents could pay my medical expenses. Because of you my parents could pay rent in the apartment. Because of you they could pay off our house in SP. Could give us birthday and Christmas gifts.

Kyle shook his head as more thanks came.

Could help us give back to everyone who helped us. Because of you, you gave us all a reason to face the battle and give us wiggle room, hope, and love when there was none.

Tears streamed down Kyle's face. "I- I had to Stan. We're- we're brothers."

I don't know if you realize just how much you've helped us Kyle. There are no words in the dictionary that explains how grateful I am for everything you did. Not only the past few years but since we were 3 ½ and 4.

Did he really do all Stan said he did?

You have been the best friend of all friends. Again, I can't speak highly enough of you Kyle Broflovski that won't make me sound gay.

Kyle chuckled.

I love you so much dude, my 'brother from another mother.'

"Haha!" Kyle laughed as another tear spilled.

But I think I should stop now or I'll be writing into my grave. Kyle, you're the best. You're my 'buddy', my 'SBF.' Thank-you for everything. But before I end, could you do something for me?

"What?" Kyle peered closer the letter.

Visit my parents regularly.

Not what he was expecting but he read on.

Just because I'm gone doesn't mean your ties with the Marshes have to end. My mom and dad love you like another son.

Kyle's heart swelled at these words.

Please be there for them and show them life after death, like you have to me.

Kyle swiped away at his eyes.

They love you dude. Also, go easy on Cartman, he's cool.

"What?"

I'm his best friend too. Okay, really, I'm done. NEVER lose sight of your goals Kyle, your smarts will lead you places! ! PROMISE!

Your SBF,

Stan

May 13, 14 2013

At the very end of the letter the words 'I love ya dude' were scrawled.

Kyle sat there for another hour, mind in fog over what he just read. A part of him wanted more, more words. More everything. He still was in denial almost Stan had died at all. His mind was playing tricks with him. Of course he is gone, you just read a letter from him. Another voice kept saying but he's your best friend. Nobody loses their best friend before he turns 13! But there were boxes of toys lined by his desk. This letter was only to be given should he had died. It must have meant it was real.

There was nothing Kyle could do but waste away in his own grief as the hours swept by. The letter hardly held any peace, he needed Stan. He needed to see him, to know he was okay wherever he was. There were so many things left unfinished. They were supposed to grow up together and grow old. Go to high school. Go to prom. Graduate. Go to the same college. Get married and name each other godfather once they started having kids. They were supposed to take a month-long trip in Europe after graduation. So many things left untouched. How could it be they were never going to do this? It didn't make sense and it made Kyle hurt more. If there was no future consisting of these events, there was no future period.

You'd make a great doctor. Seriously, consider it.

Kyle thought of these words mentioned a couple times in the letter. How much truth could they hold? Would he be able to do it? Did he even want to? Was his love for science and math and determination to find the facts meant for something more? He was only thirteen; he had no idea what he wanted to do when he was older. Did he? He did enjoy himself as he poured over medical facts the past few years. He did already know so much about leukemia now. To waste that knowledge…

"Shit, I don't know what to do," Kyle whispered as he rubbed itchy eyes. It was now past dinner. Surprisingly his mother had not come up clucking around like a chicken, demanding he eat something. Maybe he should try now. He folded up the letter and put it back in the envelope, not wanting to read another word on it until he was ready again. It didn't offer much hope for him at the moment but there was a glimmer of light in Kyle' future now. Maybe his average friend knew something he didn't. Maybe he knew what Kyle was destined for all along. Promising he'd think about his future in a more upbeat way, Kyle got off his bed and went downstairs. He was smart, he'd find some way of dealing with what had happened; it was just going to require much time and patience.

Okay, hope it was a good read for you. Again, hope everyone is still interested in this. Please leave a review, thanks so much, and Merry Christmas!

Lots of love: Rose, December 20, 2011