Early update?

beta reader: Miyuusen

The disclaimer still applies.

edited: 12/29/2013


"Sana."

My name echoed throughout the house. I froze and slowly turned to my mother, showing her my innocent face with what I hoped to be a cute smile, though this rarely worked on her.

It was still worth a try.

"What did I tell you about sand inside the house?" She asked me with a sickly sweet tone. That was the best sign I could get from her that tells me 'you're in deep trouble, run, run, run'.

I try anyway.

"But kaa-san-"

Mother smiled.

"I really-"

She tilted her head.

"It's not-"

She raised an eyebrow.

I tried the pleading puppy eyes now however, unfortunately for me, it failed to succeed. Yet again, she won. She always does.

There was a heavy, relenting sigh.

"Hai, kaa-san." I walked away, slightly sulking, to look for a broom.


chapter 2

ambivalent


"Sana!"

She woke up then promptly realized, with joy and relief, that she could breathe.

Inhale. Exhale. Sweet air. Inhale. Exhale. Inha-

"Sana? Are you okay?" Her dearest brother was hovering over her with a frown on his face. Clearly, he was worried.

Wasn't he?

It felt nice.

But then, she remembered everything collapsing.

She thought she heard a chuckle somewhere.

"It's okay." She said somewhat shakily. "Just bad dream." Terrifying dream.

He stayed for a little while, perhaps to convince himself that she was alright, then left it at that. She was glad he wasn't fussy or nosey because right now, her mind was a giant whirlwind.

That's it.

It's over, isn't it?

Just like that.

I failed.

Failed.

Failed. Failure.

Nothing changes.

Disappointment. Worthless.

If she couldn't even solve her own problems, what of others?

Failfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfail.

She stopped herself from laughing a humourless, hollow laugh.

Always worthless.

'Ah, what do I do now?'


Sasori thought that his sister was odd even when his mother would tell him unique would be a better word.

He thought, at first, that having a sibling would be bothersome, especially a girl sibling. He thought she would cry incessantly and demand him of things, like a pampered princess.

Sana was a nice little sibling.

(It was huge relief because- because his father is nevernevernever coming back-)

Perhaps, she was an exception or there were different types of siblings? He didn't really know and he doesn't bother about it much (he has better things to do, he doesn't like wasting his time).

He just likes it that she is fascinated with his puppetry. He likes it that she doesn't disturb him when he studied about ninjas. He likes it that she understands what he means by simple, short words.

He likes it that she likes him.

And so, he is fine that she was a little odd.


It will always hurt when someone tells you that they hate you.

In your face.

"Monster. Stay away from me."

Cold, hate, cruel, fury.

"Stop it, Haruka-"

"It's good that I couldn't bear a child lest he or she turns into," Her glare intensifies. "that."

There was so much spite and anger in that word alone. She flinches and cowers behind her mother.

"Haruka!"

She stopped but the glare stayed.

He sighed and it seems like he had aged another ten years.

She didn't dare say anything throughout the whole meeting.

It was supposed to be a warm, family gathering.

What happened to it?

All this, because of her?

Something she didn't want in the first place?

Why?

Why?

Why her?


"Your name is Sana because you're born on the seventh of March."

How original.

"It's also because 'sa' mean sands."

Again. Original.

"I believe in you, Sana." She started, slowly, softly. "Mother believes in you. It's not always okay but mother is here. There will always be people supporting you."

The world stops and she inhales, sharply. The corner of her eyes sting and her heart squeezes. She almost laughed at how much the words had affected her even though it was cliché but her mother pulled her close and she, in turn, buried her face in her clothes.

Perhaps she had shed a few tears then but it's comforting because she knows her mother stayed with her through it all.

She felt lighter in what seems like a long time.


"Imouto, today, your nii-san will be going to the Academy." Sasori informed her, brightly.

Sana knew he had been waiting for this day since he had learnt about the Academy.

Sasori is six and he is a prodigy.

She knows his chakra control is perfection (Chiyo-obaa-san praises him often enough) and his taijutsu, ninjutsu, genjutsu is very good for his age (never showed her but grandmother). He had even gone to carving to puppets for him to practice and toys for detail practice in which he would later give them to her.

In Suna, when there is a prodigy, they will push them to their limits uncaring of their age also paying minimal attention to mental health. However, training does pay off because under their grandmother's tutelage and their mother, he is brilliant.

Mother is absolutely proud and happy.

Sana, well, not so much.

She is very happy that her brother is gaining recognition and respect, very much so, because Sasori truly deserves it. (No, not jealousy. Really, that's not it.)

She knows people stayed clear of her family members ('because of you' something would whisper in her ear) so now, she is happy that maybe her mother's friends would come back and Sasori would gain some for himself. It was a happy thought.

But being a prodigy has its downside, of course.

What if they push him till he breaks? What then?

She doesn't want that.

She knows of Itachi so what if it happens to Sasori too?

(Konoha was even known for being the friendly one and Itachi still happened, didn't it?)

Despite all that, she waved him off with a grin on her face.

"Bye bye, nii-chan!" Don't come back broken.

She would wish for it every day whenever he goes to a school that teaches the basics of being a murderer (she doesn't really thought much of it now because everyone are murderers here even her mother and she's practically fated to be one).

It was silly because wishes don't come true without effort. ('Sometimes not at all.')

She knew she had to be good too and then, she could help carry some of his burden; expectations, responsibilities. So she would work hard, hard and harder to become good then better.

Never be the best but that's alright.

She would help her brother and her mother with the best of her abilities.

She would work hard to prove herself not a dead weight so that they won't regret being with her, supporting her.

'That awfully sounded like Naruto-'

All her thoughts came to a screeching halt.

She spun around and stared at the sand at her feet, they were almost dancing in the wind, if one looked closely enough. Most likely, the sand was reacting to Shukaku's leaking chakra due to the imperfect seal and she stuck to that theory she formed several days ago, when she first saw the strange way sand would react around her.

'Shukaku…'

Prove… herself?

Worthy?

Was it really all that simple?

Truthfully, she had been running away from him since that day in which he tried to drown her on land (in a desert and in her own mind, no less). He was much more terrifying than he usually was and she really believed at that time, he was actually going to kill her. The feeling of not having air going in and out of your lungs was horrifying and her panicking, frantic but not being able to do anything- it was absolutely frightening.

She was a desperate, naive idiot willing to trust the beast just like that.

She thought that it was enough. Maybe because Naruto offered friendship to Kurama, which he later accepted, that if she put her sincerest feelings in her effort, it would be the way she wanted.

What is this? A shoujo manga?

She should've known better.

Friendship requires dedication, patience and for a beast with a superiority complex, killing urges and attitude problems, it will take so much more than just that.

'Gaara… he kills to prove his existence. Shukaku encourages that because he has always been blood thirsty? That- that doesn't seem right. If Kurama can accept, despite him being similar to Shukaku (ironic, they hated each other), something must've happened, right?'

She had been a coward.

Probably still is.

Hope is unreliable.

Hope is childish.

Disappointment is something she never wanted to face.

But, people had always said that she had no self-confidence.

Maybe.

Maybe.

She should start putting hope in herself.

If it doesn't succeed, then there must be another way, right?

At least, it was a positive thought.

She smiled wryly.


Sana had always felt guilty.

No, no, not Sana.

Her.

The one who is occupying this body- Sasori's little sister's, Sana's, body.

Not Sana but her.

She's been pushing, burying the issue deep, deep inside of her mind but, sometimes, sometimes, she would lie in her bed and think that she is taking up someone's place in this world.

It's not even where she had lived in before.

Whether it was intentional or not, she was still doing it, taking what's not supposed to be hers. What's worse is that she made a pathetic excuse that 'there's nothing that could be done' which she repeated daily and eventually, started believing in it too.

That was complete, utter crap.

She can do something.

So she was supposed to… to what?

That's where the thoughts completely die off because what? What is she supposed to do?

Die? Ask forgiveness? What?

If the guilt would continue on bothering her then at least tell her, give her something to do to compensate.

The feeling bothered her like a continuous itch on her chest and she could do nothing to make it stop. It just continued on growing more and more irritating, more vexing, more agitating always making her stomach twist uncomfortably until she wants to scream and run away.

It would grow unbearable at one point.

The emotions- all, everything - with words of before and now- 'failure, inhumane, monster, moron, useless'- would just meld with the guilt like stirring her despicable, idiotic emotions together into one giant, black lump. She would bury herself in her knees or curl herself into a ball. Her breathing will turn ragged and sometimes, she shivers. She would bite her lip, maybe grit her teeth, so she could not speak or shed a tear and until she can regain her bearings again, she would refuse to make a sound because she is afraid that everything will spill over or she will scream or she will do some stupid action that she wouldn't be able to explain later on.

She is disgusted at herself.

There will be faint chuckles or snickers when she is particularly struggling. (It's there, she didn't imagine it.)

She didn't know which is scarier, the fact that she had started to hear Shukaku or that it's not him.

Thankfully, most of the time, she is alone when 'that' happens.

(At least, she hoped so.)

Most of the time, when it does, it will be when she was lying down on her bed with the covers covering her small, young frame. It happened when she was in front of the mirror, at night or noon- it doesn't matter, when she sees her reflection of brown hair reaching her scrawny shoulders and those honey eyes from her father.

('Brown hair? Honey eyes? This… this not my face- not- not my face!' A part her mind would scream and another, dead silent as if accepting but she knows she doesn't because it is her face. What else could it be?)

She learnt not to see her face in the mirror whenever she could avoid it.

The occasion happened not often but enough (the fact that it even happened, scares her) that she knows she has to stop it. If her emotions go out of control, how can she even face her family?

(Then her guilt stirs up again because her family?)

The cycle made her sick and nauseous. She tries to subdue it when it comes for her because she had to and when she successfully molds it all into a tiny ball, will repress it far, far down and under.

Maybe it's not healthy but it had worked so far.

So she does that again and again, until it doesn't happen anymore.

(No, it still happens but it's just that in concealing it, she had become better, though not perfect.)

Her head would ache slightly after.

But she is glad anyway.

She had won today's battle.


Their mother comes home more often, though the war rages on.

Sasori graduated the Academy with flying colours.

Sana, herself, had lived for almost four years.

It lulled her into a sense of peace.

(They don't last very long.)


'沙' is 'sa' which means sand or small pebbles says Google. Sana can also generally mean seventh of March. Haruka means, in my case, 'far off, distant'.

If I'm in Sana's place, I'll go mad. She has a monster who would force her to kill plus other circumstances.

I try to relate her to us, real people in real life as much as possible. In my opinion, I as a person am similar to Sana. I can adapt fairly easily (it comes from real life observation) but I shove all my conflicting feelings deep down. It's a really bad habit because then the feelings would come all at once, and bam, I find myself sobbing for no apparent reason. I also have issues with people's expectations, am very insecure, socially awkward and I could list my personal problems on and on and on. But the point is, she has lots of problems, like me and everyone else.

It's not life if you don't have problems, right?

Anyways, on a happier note, thank you for the review, Winter Baroness! Glad you like it and whew, thank goodness you think that it's not Mary Sue.

Also to the people who pressed the favourite and follow button, thank you so much! Your support mean a ton to me.

This year is coming to an end and school is starting soon (Jan 2nd) so sorry in advance for the lack of updates later.

Thanks again!