A/N: I truly don't know what I would do if it isn't from dedicated viewers of the show don't email me with the simple fact that I am spelling the teams names wrong. I simply must thank you everyone who takes the time to correct me on my spelling errors and I promise that if you ever see them again I will quickly change the chapter and repost it. --

I pushed open the huge glass see through door of the bull pen of the BAU ... I could see most of the members of my team – my family hard at work at their desks. There was Morgan deep in thought on the file that had to be done that day. Before he could concentrate on the new case. I knew that he would have it done before the meeting in two hours. There was Emily sitting straight up as only a ambassador's daughter could working on her own file. I couldn't help but wish that it was Elle whom was still sitting at that desk. I loved Emily as my own sister, but I still missed Elle.

Than I turned my eyes onto Spencer's head. His head was down and his hair was hanging in front of his face. I smiled as I saw how intent he was staring at the puzzle in front of him. He had all ready written his report - he had it finished just before we got off the plane. He always did. -- Expect when the case hit home with him. I wanted to go over to him and gently push his hair out of his eyes, he needed it cut. It was much longer than it usually was. But in a odd way his hair length fit him. It normally bugged me seeing long hair on men. Expect if it was tied back or in a braid. But Spencer could pull it off. So I knew that I would not suggest a trim. At least not for a while. I'll let Spencer enjoy his new hair style and let him make up his own mind.

Spencer looked up suddenly and straight into my eyes. He didn't smile – he just stared at me. In a calm and knowing fashion. Telling me that I couldn't fool him. I lifted my head up and stared right back at him. Well Spencer Reid may know the truth about me and my ever lasting guilt over what happened to him and Tobias. He may even know how truly in depression I was in. But no way in hell did he suspect or even dream that I was in love with him.

Yes that is right – I, Jennifer Jareau am in love with Spencer Reid. A man who is four years younger than me. A man who is a genius but has no idea how to dress as a twenty six year old man should. A man who still doesn't have the social graces that a grown twenty six year old man should. A man who never really had a childhood because his mind was so far ahead of a child and his mother was suffering from mental illness.

I had every chance of keeping our relationship as friendship. I knew of his crush on me – saw it his first day at the BAU. I was still too engrossed in making a name for myself and proving to Hotchner that I was able to be the press liaison for the team. I had only been with the team for four months myself. So when I saw this geeky young man with a puppy dogs eyes in front of me – I felt sorry for him. I had heard about Doctor Spencer Reid from Gideon and knew that he was a genius and that he was as innocent as they came. Gideon told Hotch, Morgan, Garcia and I about Spencer's childhood. Gideon told us that Spencer never had any opportunities that you through growing up. No real friends to speak of his own age, no past relationships. Spencer had never gone on a single date in his life. How could he when the girls his ages couldn't accept him being a genius and the the girls his minds age were several years older than he was.

I knew that I liked him all ready, Gideon had shown us his picture so we would recognize him the moment we saw him. I felt my heart open to this poor lost kid lost in a adult man's body. I promised myself to take him under my wing. To show him that he could still have a childhood although his body has fully grown to man hood. Everyone called him Reid, but I called him Spencer. I saw how his eyes lit up and I knew than that I was never going to call him Reid. After the first month I started to call him Spence. His eyes simply glistened and he ducked his head quickly. I made sure to bake him a cake for his twenty fourth birthday and make sure he wore the party hat.

Poor Spence, he didn't know what to do with it. I could tell that he desperately wanted to take the ridiculous hat off. He even went over to Hotch and Gideon and asked if he could take it off. I knew from looking over at them that they smiled and said no. I was glad. I didn't want to embarrass Spencer – well not much. But I wanted to make up for the birthdays that he never got to experience. That was why I used the trick candles. Poor Spencer. But he put up with it and looked at me with thankfulness and I knew that he truly did love the surprise party.

Gideon gave him tickets to the Redskins game and told him to ask me out. Spencer was so awkward when he sat down next to me and asked me to the game. I loved the Redskins so I said yes. I knew that the tickets and the date idea was from Gideon but I never told Spence. I never would. I knew that Gideon figured that I would be a safe first date for Spencer. Expect I broke Spencer's heart.

I knew that Spencer had fallen for me – everyone thought it was just a crush. But I saw his heart after the game when I told him that I just wanted to remain friends with him. Spencer couldn't hide his emotions back than. Not like he could now. But truth be known I had fallen for Spencer Reid – I had the moment I was face to face with him the first time. But I hidden those emotions deep inside and knew that Spencer truly wasn't ready for love.

Spencer came to work the following day after the game as if nothing truly happened. Even through Morgan tried to get answers Spencer never gave them. He put on the show for everyone that he accepted that I wouldn't feel romantically towards him. He hid it well from Morgan and Garcia. But not from myself, Hotch, Gideon or Elle. Even Emily knew the truth when she first arrived. But they didn't know how I truly felt. I left it that way and put on my mask for everyone to read. Friendship I simply screamed.

It worked for a while until Garcia made a comment one night when we were both assigned to her office. I knew than that Garcia truly knew my heart. It had bonded me towards her more than ever before. I knew that she would keep my feelings under wraps and she won't try to push Spencer and I together. She knew the score.

I was able to love Spencer afar and still be able to "mother" him as much as I wanted without fear that he would know that I was in love with him. Until Tobias. Tobias changed everything for me. I couldn't believe that I had been so naïve and stupid enough to allow Spencer to rush around the barn; I couldn't believe that I was stupid enough not to follow after him. The first thing they teach you in FBI school is never ever split up with your partner at unsubs home. Stay Together. But I knew Spencer would either come right back to me or call for my assistance. So I remained at the front of the barn. I waited for five minutes before I decided to go into the barn. Five minutes that I could have just ran after Spencer. Five minutes that made all the difference in the world for Spencer.

I simply stared at the video scene as Tobias beat Spencer. I couldn't believe that my beloved Spencer was going through this horrific tragedy. A tragedy that I truly knew was meant for me. I had more sins in me than Spencer did. I was the logical choice and I knew that if Spencer hadn't gone in the corn field ... than Tobias would have rounded back and got me. If I had remained alive from the three murderous mad dogs that is.

How could I live with myself knowing that? How could I live with myself knowing that Spencer was going through hell in my place? But I knew that I had to remain alive to rescue Spencer – to remain alive for Spencer to blame me for what had happened to him. But he never blamed me – he said he was sorry for splitting up with me. For allowing the dogs to attack me.

I became even more protective and obsessive over Spencer than before. I would never allow my eyes to leave his even while I looked at the rest of the team during the briefing of cases. I always made sure to let Hotch know with my eyes that I was too be with Spencer out in the field. I would follow him home after work and made sure he got home safely. My heart would drop whenever Hotch would deny me access to Spence.

But than I met Will. I was bemused that he didn't realize a woman came onto him when he was actually at the bar with me. We weren't on a actual date – no we were talking about his father and the case that we were working on together. But something about him reminded me about Spencer. Will was capable of handing an adult relationship so that's why I gave him my card with my personal number.

A few weeks went by and he called and I decided that I was ready to try a new relationship. Spencer seemed to be finally healing from his ordeal and Hotch and Gideon were eying me like they knew that I loved him. So to protect Spencer I allowed myself to become distracted by Will. I had successfully kept our relationship quiet from the team for four months. Until Mimi. Than it all came out. Will wanted to transfer to Virginia to be closer to me. We had a fight and I broke things off with him. But than Emily came to me and said that we made a cute couple.

I ran after him and told him that the reasons I gave him to end things with him didn't matter. And I pulled him into a deep kiss. When the kiss ended and I simply was hugging Will, I could see Spencer behind him. I saw the heartbreak in his eyes before he turned and walked quickly away. I tried to erases Spencer's eyes from my mind that night as I made love with Will. But I didn't see Will, I saw Spencer. I knew than that I wasn't being fair to Will. So I ended things with him. I told him that I would never love him enough to want to marry him. That he deserved a woman who would love him and only him. I left the hotel room and went back to the room I shared with Emily.

Everyone still thinks I'm still with Will, I am allowing them to think this. I don't want Spencer to think otherwise. I don't want him to think he still had a chance with me. How could he when I'm damage goods? When I'm no good for him?

"JJ ..." I blinked in surprise as I saw Hotch standing in front of me.

"Sir," I said with a slight cough to clear the cob webs from my mouth. I had some how walked up to my office without noticing. I was sitting at my desk staring at my far wall.

"It's time for the meeting," Hotch said with a nod towards the open door. I had left the door opened. Which was a normal occasion. I would only close my door if I was truly wrapped up in a hard case. I liked to look out and hear the bull pen. I liked to look down at Spencer's desk.

"Of course," I said grabbing the files that I needed. I followed Hotch out of my office and down the hall to the conference room. He stepped aside and allowed me to pass him. I looked at the table and saw my team – my family, minus Garcia all ready sitting in their normal places.

I walked to the front and got the remote and flicked it to the first slide. I quickly rattled off the case and we all agreed that we would take off in an hours time. I should have remained back at the office.

Tbc ...

Author's Notes: This story takes place after "Heat". And no JJ won't be pregnant with Will's child in this story.