Jack pulled up a chair in front of the sleeping Rose and sat down. He clenched his hands into fists. He wanted to reach out and touch her – to hold her and kiss her and tell her that she was still special to him after all this time, that in his mind they were still best friends, even after everything. But he couldn't. If he held her hand she might wake up. He wanted to hold her hand. Maybe she wouldn't notice- she was pretty drugged up, after all. Heart beating faster than it should have, he reached out and took her hand. She didn't move. He breathed out a sigh of relief. It was nice to touch her, after so long. More than nice. It was… It was too much.
He swallowed, and gently laid her hand back on her stomach. His eyes travelled up her arm, and along her neck, and he couldn't help but wince.
Owen and the Doctor's combined efforts, and technologies, had managed to curb most of the bruising, but it was still clear she had been injured, and badly. Jack didn't know if he wanted to know what had happened in any more detail. Knowing as much as he did, which wasn't very much, made him feel sick enough.
She murmured something in her sleep, and Jack automatically took her hand again. How did he still have that instinct? He smirked. Even now, he couldn't help but smile thinking about her. Without warning his vision blurred a little, and he had to blink a few times to clear it. He knew that he was missing all of the best parts of her. Her smile, her laugh, her sense of humor. Being with her like this was much more than he had had in a long time, but it wasn't enough.
He shouldn't have come down here.
Jack stared at her closed eyes and breathed a deep sigh, running his thumb along hers. He stayed like that, not allowing himself to think too much, for longer than he was aware of.
"You okay?" Ianto's voice said behind him. How long had he been there?
"Yep," Jack said. His voice sounded angry. He hadn't meant it to. He breathed out. "I couldn't hear anything, when I was watching," he said. "Was she in pain?"
"She didn't say. She kept getting distracted, like she was high. It was quite funny, actually. I think she thought Tosh was hitting on her. Owen said they've put her on too many drugs for her to feel anything much yet."
Jack nodded. "But they'll wear off, won't they."
He heard Ianto sight behind him. "Owen thinks she'll be able to feel it properly when she wakes up."
Jack breathed out, putting his head in his hands. "If I didn't know he was beating himself up about this I'd do it for him," he said. "Don't leave any guns lying around."
Ianto smiled behind him. "Very tough," he said.
Jack smirked. His smile faded as he said: "She looks like a kid."
"Isn't she?"
Jack smiled again, turning around to face Ianto.
"What?" Ianto said.
"If I told you about her, you wouldn't believe me," Jack said. He stood up. "I've had enough of this," he said.
"Want to go for a walk?" Ianto asked.
Jack nodded. "That sounds good," he said.
They wondered around in silence for about ten minutes, before sitting down on a bench, looking at the people walking by. It was a cold, grey day, but there were plenty of people around.
"Tell me about her," Ianto said.
"I've already said you wouldn't believe me," Jack laughed, looking away.
"Try me."
Jack breathed out. "Alright," he said.
He paused for a moment, looking at a family walking by them. "She's the reason I'm alive," he said.
"She saved your life?" Ianto said.
"She won't stop saving it," Jack said, eyes still following the family. The wind blew his coat lightly.
Ianto was quiet. After a few seconds he said: "How?"
Jack watched the family disappear around a corner. He looked away from Ianto, and then back to him. "Imagine… Imagine looking into the rift," he said. "Looking into all of that power, and energy, and life."
"Okay," said Ianto slowly.
"You can't, can you? Not really."
"No, I can't," Ianto admitted, without any embarrassment.
"That's because no one is supposed to see that kind of force… But Rose did. She looked into time itself. Stared right into vortex," Jack shook his head, "into everything that has ever been and everything that will ever be."
"Wouldn't that hurt?"
"Oh yeah," said Jack, cocking his head and raising his eyebrows. "It almost killed her."
There was a brief pause, and then Jack continued. "But for a brief moment, she had all of the power of time and space inside of her. Very sexy," he added.
Ianto smiled at his feet.
"Also very terrifying. Humans aren't supposed to have that kind of power... I watched it on the security footage afterwards, when I was alone. It was like she was glowing. Just golden."
Ianto looked up at Jack. He took his hand, and the older man continued his story.
"That was the first time I died, that night. Shot straight through the heart. It was a pretty good death, actually. I would have been happy with that one. But Rose… Rose and I… She wanted me to be safe, so she used that power and brought me back to life. She couldn't control it though. She brought me back for good. Then they left. The Doctor took her away. She was unconscious, had no idea. As far as she knows, I died on that space station, Ianto."
"You make her sound like a god," Ianto said quietly.
"She was," Jack said, matter of factly. "But she was still Rose. That's why she saved me… She could have done anything, but…" He looked away.
"How long were you with her for?"
"About… Oh, it's hard to know, when you're there. She made me so much better than I was. I've lived a lot of lives, Ianto. But when I was with her, that life, I didn't do anything I regret. It made me a better man."
"Why can't you tell her?" Ianto asked. "She'd want to know you're alive. If she did that for you. If that was what she did with that power, then she'd want to know you were alive."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?" Ianto said gently.
"Imagine knowing that you had been a god, Ianto… Imagine knowing you had been a god, and you had made someone you care about immortal. I don't want her to know what she's done to me. I don't want her to have to live with that."
They were both silent for a long time.
"You wouldn't have to say you were immortal," Ianto pointed out.
"I've thought of that," Jack said.
"And?"
"I don't know if I could lie to her like that."
"You're lying to her now, aren't you?"
Jack laughed. "Remind me never to tell you anything," he smiled.
"Sorry," Ianto smiled back.
"We should get back," Jack said, pulling him up. "She could wake up again soon."
